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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband missed birth

27 replies

pinkposey · 22/02/2011 07:47

My son is now 8 weeks old. My husband was traveling with work when he was born two weeks early. My son is beautiful and my relationship with my husband is generally good. However, I keep thinking that we missed out on something significant with my husband missing the birth. There seems little point to dwell or to be bitter as it is in the past, but I can't seem to help myself. I'm not sure how to look forward and stop regretting - and also to stop wondering how our relationship as a three would have been different and perhaps stronger?? Any one got any thoughts?? Thank you!

OP posts:

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justabouthappy · 22/02/2011 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pheebe · 22/02/2011 07:58

Congratulations! A beautiful, snuggly, snuffly 8 week old, I'm very jealous {smile]. My two are whopping great 3 and 6 yo's. I miss newborn snuggles.

These feelings will pass, at the moment his birth is still a HUGE part of your life. I can't speak for your DH but can tell you what my DH thought about the birth of our 2 sons. He was there for me, it bothered him not one jot whether he saw them emerge, in fact he chose not to and stayed up 'the head' end supporting me. He didn't cut the cord and didn't particularly want to hold either of them first, he was more concerned for me. TBH he found it all quite traumatic. He has an amazing relationship with both of them, has always been a very hands on dad, and until recently has been their main carer. Even now he says he would happily of skipped the birth part had I not needed him there.

My advice would be don't dwell, he couldn't help the fact he wasn't there. The bonding process happens over weeks, months, years and you all have plenty of time for that. Unless you think he's struggling to bond with your DS try and move on, focus on now, building your family and enjoying the amzing journey you're on together.

ben5 · 22/02/2011 07:59

dh missed the birth of ds1. It was just me mw and a mw in training. everything was calm and so much better than when i had ds2 2 years later with dh there.

admylin · 22/02/2011 08:00

I was in labour for 9 hours with ds 12 years ago - dh was great, with me the whole time, rubbed my back, held me when I was being sick etc but at 7am he went to get himself a coffee downstairs in the hospital and just then ds was born! So he missed it! Didn't make any difference though and I didn't have him with me for dd's birth as he stayed at home with ds.

I think you're worrying too much, relax and enjoy your baby - but hand him over to dh when he is at home so he can get to know baby too. The baby age is over so fast so make the most of those cuddles!

ajandjjmum · 22/02/2011 08:02

Leave it behind you now.

It's a shame if that was what you both wanted, but these things happen.

I honestly couldn't remember DH being around when DS was born - of course, I knew he was there, but can't remember him doing anything (useful!!).

Enjoy all the memories you're both going to make with your baby - and congratulations!

traceybath · 22/02/2011 08:05

DH wasn't at my DS2's birth as was earlier than expected and he was looking after DS1.

It was a c-section so I didn't need his support in perhaps the same way as a natural delivery. However DS2 was then poorly and spent a week in NICU. So all in all not the best birth.

But it really hasn't made any difference to DH's relationship with DS2 - if anything he has a special place in his heart.

And I just accepted it was one of those things.

However when I then had DD 18 months later, DH was there and it was lovely.

So don't minimise your feelings but it will be fine and hopefully if you go on to have another dc - he'll be there.

Congratulations!

ImFab · 22/02/2011 08:09

It is totally understandable that you are upset he missed the birth but the baby came early. Your husband wasn't in the pub getting pissed, he was working and couldn't realistically stayed at home for up to a month waiting for baby to come. Babies grow so quickly, enjoy the here and now and don't dwell on the past. Tell your husband you are disappointed he wasn't there but from the point of view of him missing out, not you being annoyed with him. He probably feels disappointed himself.

ScaredOfCows · 22/02/2011 08:09

Your husband being at the birth wouldn't make any difference to the relationship between the 3 of you, or make it stronger. A good relationship is formed and built over the days, months and years of a childs life, not at the few minutes and hours of birth.

This will only be an issue if you let it be one. Move on, don't dwell on it (it's not fair to you or your husband) and enjoy your baby with him.

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 22/02/2011 08:10

Well, I pretty much missed the birth of my own child (dd2)! I had a crash section with spinal, saw her for literally 5 seconds, she was whisked off to intensive care, I had a second op under GA & didn't see her again for over 24 hours.

There's no denying, it's an odd start to the relationship, but as justabouthappy says, there is so much more to come & really the birth/baby stage is such a small part of their lives in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, a lot of men (my DH included) find it difficult to relate to tiny babies, as the children grow & become more interactive the relationship changes enormously. (In fact, I'm not massively great with babies myself, and both of ours have made it to toddlerhood somehow )

Don't worry, my relationship with dd2 now is just as wonderful as with dd1. It's still such early days for you, try not to think about anything except occasionally getting out of bed for the next couple of months ! easier said than done, I know!

mankyscotslass · 22/02/2011 08:16

Dh missed DD's birth by CS. I was already in hospital because my BP had gone up the day before a planned CS.

Neither he nor my DM who was staying here heard their mobiles or the house phone, when they got up and looked in the morning there were umpteen messages left.

DH came to the hospital first thing in the morning, the midwives and support staff were lining the corridor and gave him a round of applause!

I must admit part of me sometimes still wishes he had been there, but at the end of the day we have a beautiful daughter whom he adores as much as he does our other 2 dcs, whose births he attended.

Plus I got no end of mileage out of the fact he missed the birth!

In short, it's not worth worrying about, and makes no difference to anything unless you let it!

Bonsoir · 22/02/2011 08:21

Relax. My DP didn't see DD until several days after the birth. They have a fantastic relationship.

DP was present at the birth of his two sons (not my children). He didn't enjoy it much!

EmmaBGoode · 22/02/2011 08:21

I wish my DH had missed the birth. Him seeing me shit myself was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

EggyChick · 22/02/2011 08:26

EmmaBGoode I know I shouldn't laugh, but I love your turn of phrase.

I remember focussing solely on the piece of escaped poo rather than actually pushing...

Decorhate · 22/02/2011 08:30

It's very understandable to worry about this a little as your baby is so young. With time you will get more perspective. It really won't affect how your dh bonds with the baby - men being present at the birth is quite a recent thing. My dad wasn't even at the hospital when my youngest siblings were born - we were all at the beach (apart from my mum obv) when youngest sis was born!

Meggles76 · 22/02/2011 08:31

As others have said, you need to focus on being together as a family of 3 now and in the future. You can't change the fact that he wasn't there.

My DH was present for both births and was very good. I had 2 natural deliveries and a point came with both where I was so focused on the labour that I didn't care who was in the room with me... I just wanted to get on with it iyswim

Enjoy the precious time that you have together now.

Undutchable · 22/02/2011 08:32

both DH and I missed the birth - I had a section under GA and Husband was in the Netherlands with flu! I didn't see my baby for 24 hours, DH didn't arrive until he was better - 4 days later. Son was transferred to a different hospital etc etc. It was all a bit of a mess really!

I don't dwell. I didn't at the time - it's just the way things work out sometimes. Please try and put it out of your mind.

Lulumaam · 22/02/2011 08:38

I understand why you feel upset, having your partner there to support you in labour and meet their baby is how pretty much everyone imagines it, so your DH not being there , I can understand why it would rankle.

It is normal to regret this and feel sad about it.

However, you can't change it, so you need to find a way to accept this and move forward

I presume your DH is an involved father? That he is building a relationship with the baby and with you as a mother, and as a family of 3?

Agree with imfab, your DH did not miss the birth because he was in the pub or off his head, or with another woman, but because he was working....

the birth is part of the journey, and it is an important one BUT the next 18 years are also pretty important, you need to try to put this to rest, for your own peace of mind .... take time to be upset and be sad,but then move forward, enjoy wathcing your H with the baby and doing things together, the pain of him not being there will fade

pinkposey · 22/02/2011 08:46

Great advice, and probably what I'd have said to myself if I had been asked myself. Particularly like 'This is a total waste of your worry time' and I'll bring that to mind whenever I get a funny turn. :-) THANK YOU!!

OP posts:

PoledrathePissedOffFairy · 22/02/2011 09:00

It is, as another poster, totally understandable that you feel the way you do - you didn't get the birth you planned and that's made you upset. However, DH and I both agreed that, had either of my sisters lived closer, they would have been a better birth partner than he was. They didn't so he was there, but it wouldn't have been a deal breaker if he wasn't.

Also, please remember that the fathers the generation above us were rarely present at our births - for which my dad says he's truly thankful. In terms of how it affects your relationship with your DH, well, my parents will have been married for 46 years this summer and they still adore each other. And we all (I have 3 siblings) love my dad dearly - he was (is!) a fantastic dad when it counted. He took us to out-of-school activities, he turned up to school plays and concerts, he even once cuddled me when I cried for about an hour when a boyfriend dumped me over the phone (I was 21!).

In the grand scheme of things, it will matter less and less to you as time goes on and he builds his relationship with your son. Enjoy your lovely family and your beautiful cuddly baby. Mmm, cuddly newborns

diddl · 22/02/2011 09:44

Well, as you know, it´s not worth worrying about.

There are plenty of josy to having a baby that will help you both get over the disappointment.

(My first was born unexpectedly at home pre 30 weeks-husband was just glad to discover that we were both OK tbh)

oprahfan · 22/02/2011 09:58

Hi pinkposey

It's hard to stop thinking about what could have been. It's early days for you, you will get over these feelings, and your relationships with baby and husband will be very good. Some men find birth difficult, it changes how they see their wives/girlfriends. if your hubby could have been there, he would have been there, but circumstances changed very quickly. I understand your disappointment.

The fact is you have a healthy little one, like many other posters have said, it won't make a difference how their relationship grows over the years. Birth is only one part, as lulumaam said, let it go honey!!!!!

If i could have my time over again, I wouldn't have let my other half in to my births, complete waste of time!!!! He complained that I dug my nails into his hand, he poured water all over me (don't ask......) and never even took his jacket off for the second birth. And he sulked because I shouted at him when I was 10 cms dilated!

Good luck to you all, hope life is sweet for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

EricNorthmansMistress · 22/02/2011 10:42

Mine missed the last few hours of labour and the birth due to work. He arrived less than 5 minutes after DS was born. It still bothers me a bit but in time you will be able to put it behind you, I promise.

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ThePosieParker · 22/02/2011 10:44

Not worth the hassle, although I prevented DH from travelling for up to four weeks before the birth, but what's done is done....

Ephiny · 22/02/2011 10:54

I would put it behind you, it can't be helped now. And remember it's only recently that it's become the norm for husbands to be present for the birth, and I'm sure men have managed to have strong meaningful relationships with their children at some point during human history before that.

ratspeaker · 22/02/2011 10:55

Try and relax and let it go
In the past fathers were always excluded from the birth, even if babies were born at home the father was often sent out. It's really only since the 1970s that fathers have been made part of the process.
I dont think it made those fathers love their children less, for example, my grandfather was not present at the birth of any of his children but was a kind, loving and supportive dad

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