did your parents divorce?

[Spandangle]

i am trying to work out what is best for my kids..i would be really grateful if you could share your experiences with me. did your parents divorce or seperate when you was a child? what age were you? how did you feel about that then? how do you feel about that now? how has it affected your life?

[BooBooGlass]

There is nothing more damaging fro kids than to have to live with 2 parents obviously at loggerheads. Far better to seperate. It's probably the kindest decision all round.

[Spandangle]

bump!

[marriednotdead]

My parents split when I was around 3, dsis was 18 mo.

Too young to remember but glad it happened, I always felt secure. See too many kids growing up in dysfunctional families because parents thought they had a duty to stay together.

As long as you can co-parent and both put your DCs feelings first it works fine.

DD is 24, I split with her father when she was 5. Tells me now that she never felt like the product of a single parent family because exp was always there for her, and we always kept our relationship issues away from her.

Only you know what kind of absent parent your DH/DP will make.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[lucykate]

my parents finally split when i was 15 after years of arguments, fighting and unhappiness. when they finally did it, it was a huge relief for me tbh, glad it was all over. but my youngest brother, who was 5 at the time feels differently. he was a bit more sheltered from all the arguing, a lot of it went over his head, but the sad part for him is as me & my other brother got older and moved away, uni etc, he was left behind living at home dealing with the fallout from what turned into a very bad and lengthy divorce

[Ooopsadaisy]

My Mum was going to leave my Dad when she found out she was pg with me in 1968.

The marriage was a nightnare.

The plan was to go Australia with her best friend and start a new life (female friend - not lesbian - just very best friends).

Best friend was killed.

3 of 4 grandparents died within weeks of each other.

Mum in bits - couldn't do it.

Stayed with Dad until I was 11.

I witnessed shouting, silences, fighting, threats, broken furniture, broken doors and windows, slashed clothes, smashed plates, blood, hospitals, tears, screams and utter torment.

Did I suffer? I honestly don't know but common sense tells me that I must have done.

To me, parents that stay together like this are, at best negligent and at worse, child-abusers.

Strong words but it was my life and that's what I believe.

[claireybear82]

NO - But i bloody wish they had!

[DitzyLiz]

Yes they divorced when I was about 12 years old and I would say that their separation had a negative impact on me, however this was due to my father not being a steady and consistent parent after this time.

I believe that had my father continued to act as a decent parent after their divorce that I would have found it much easier.

So I guess it depends on how the separation is handled rather than the act itself iyswim.

[knitty]

Yes they divorced when I was 7. He was an alcoholic and she finally threw him out when he had an affair.Best thing she ever did.At the time I think I was quite happy about it as we went to stay with my grandparents.
Unfortunately my mother then decided we needed a father( and she had some kind of phobia about being single) so proceeded to fill the void with a few more controlling, emotionally abusive alcoholics.
That was far more damaging for me than getting divorced in the first place.

[Eglu]

Mine divorced when I was 6. I can remember hearing arguments between them and being scared. Definitely better living apart than unhappy together.

[mackereltaitai]

When I was 23 - tbh if I'm honest, I'm quite glad they stuck it out while I was at home, largely because it meant not having to deal with new partners until after I'd left home, but God knows how they did.

[Lizzylou]

MIne did, when I was 10.
It would have been completely fine (and a relief) if my Stepmother hadn't stopped them from speaking, so things like school plays/graduations/weddings would have been a heck of a lot nicer.

I think seperating can be the best thing as long as you can maintain cordial relations and not get into game playing with the DC.

[fel1x]

Mine divorced when I was 14. It was a relief. They were both so much happier and relaxed afterwards.

[FaffTastic]

I was 11, DBro was 7. It was a relief as even though they tried not to argue in front of us we could still hear all the arguments. Both are both happily remarried and I don't think their divorce has affected me. My mother was incredibly bitter and still is, many many years later. My mother's attitude probably affected me more e.g he behaved absolutley disgracefully on my wedding day.

[proudnscaryvirginmary]

I replied to you yesterday on your other thread.
Yes they did, yes it affected me negatively.
As posters above said, it really depends on how it is handled and what happens afterwards.
I know of very few successful and happy stepfamilies. Mine was awful.
I was relieved at the time when they split but very soon wished they were back together. They were imperfect but they were at least my imperfect parents, not imperfect strangers living in my house and wishing I would disappear!

[BeatRoute]

My Mum and Dad separated when I was 2ish and got properly divorced when I was 8. The divorce didn't change anything and I felt happy and secure with 2 sets of loving parents whilst I was growing up. It was a ballache to have to go back and forth at weekends for custody arrangements (classic every-other-weekend-with-Dad set up here) but am assuming much better than living with parents who were not happy together.
It helps that my Mum and dad remained on very good terms so he was always welcome at our house and for Christmas/birthdays/Easter etc.

[SuchProspects]

My parents separated when I was 7. I don't remember fights, but I know he was useless around the house. My parents married because my mother got pregnant. They had not known each other all that long and were fairly young. So it's not altogether surprising that they weren't that happy together.

Of course you can't know for certain, but I think I was much better off without him, he held some quite sexist views and I think would have impacted by view of myself negatively. Realistically my brother was probably a bit worse off, at least once he hit the teenage years. Assuming their relationship wouldn't have deteriorated into violence, I don't think even a poor relationship role model would have been worse for him.

My mum had a very hard time, but I think it would have been even worse if they'd stayed together.

[ecobatty]

Mine divorced when I was a baby. I can genuinely say it was never the least problem for me.

[Wigeon]

My parents separated when I was 18 (and on a gap year in Russia at the time in the days before internet / email and little contact with them while I was there). My sister was 16 and living at home. They divorced a few years later.

Personally, and speaking just for myself, I think how it was handled had the biggest effect on me, rather than the separation per se. Basically, I was extremely upset at the time and over the last decade or so I have continued to be upset by my dad's insensitivity.

Bad way to handle it:

My mum has to ring me (in Russia) to tell me that dad was visiting "friends" in Canada and he and she were splitting for a bit. Didn't realise he had any friends in Canada and mum refused to tell me who they were. Turns out it was the OW.

Better way to handle it:

Dad calls me himself and takes responsibility. Parents are much more honest with me about what was going on (I only gradually found out that there was an OW). My mum shouldn't have tried to spin some story.

Bad way to handle it:

Dad basically never tells me what is going on with the OW, or that he is leaving mum for her, or that he is going to marry the OW(yes really! Only found out when he sent me an invite 10 days before the wedding, when it was hastily arranged in the UK rather than Canada because they couldn't get the paperwork done for Canada). Only meet the OW, by this time my father's wife, at my paternal granny's 90th birthday, where neither my father nor the OW bother to introduce her so I spend the first 15 mins of the "party" wondering who my new step mother is.

Better way to handle it:

Dad thinks about what impact his marrying OW would have on me and my sister. Dad thinks about how best to introduce her to us.

These are just a few of lots of examples of how I think the whole split was badly handled in relation to me and my sister, and we were relatively old at 18 and 16! The split has affected my sister much worse than me and she and my dad are only just about on speaking terms over a decade later. It's created problems at events like my wedding, my DD's big 1st birthday party, because part of the preparation for both was "how to handle OW and my mum potentially being in the same room".

So I think my messages are:

The split / divorce in itself needn't have had the negative effect it had / has on me and my sister. It was the way which my parents, in particular my dad (the instigator of the split) handled it.

My dad assumed that my sister and I would be able to deal with it much better because we were older teenagers. Not the case IME, again because he handled the whole thing so rubbishly. Basically I think / know he thought it was just something between my mum and me and wouldn't really affect me and my sister because we had almost left home. Completely untrue.

My dad put hardly any thought into how the split would affect us, his children, and how he should behave as a parent to us. Big mistake to assume that just because your children are older they don't need parents.

I should finish by saying that I think both of my parents are happier without each other, and I really don't know why they got married in the first place or why they were attracted to each other, so completely objectively, they are better off apart.

I hope this helps.

[Wigeon]

Gosh - sorry for the essay! I think the length of my post shows that even after 10 years, and as an adult (and parent) myself, the divorce has still had quite a big impact on me!

Oh, one final thing: I think that my sister has real problems trusting her boyfriend and having a genuinely close relationship because of how she perceives "men", based on how our father behaved. This outcome isn't at all a certain result of divorce since I am happily married (for the last 7 years) to a lovely man who is nothing like my father, but it makes me sad that the divorce's repercussions have permeated my sister's relationship with men.

[MissClavel]

Wigeon, that all sounds grim.

Mine separated when I was 6, brother was 4. It was difficult (Mum had total breakdown, we lived with him for a year and started visiting her at weekends, then went back to live with her).

He was very emotionally distant (BIG product of being sent to boarding school at 7), and still is. She, however, was wonderful, got back on her feet, and has been happily married to my lovely stepdad for 30 years.

My dad has always been difficult, and went on to marry a horrible woman who hated our very existence. I spent a lot of time trying to make him like me. That led me to a dreadful older-man phase in my late teens / very early 20s which I shudder and cringe at now. But I ended up fine, have been happily married for 10 years, 3 dcs, and my brother is also fine.

As for the very notion of my parents staying together.... shudder...

[rinabean]

I was 3 when my parents got divorced. They only stayed together because of me and they only got married just after I was born (I didn't find that part out until recently). Although I was very small, I have vivid memories of their arguments and me hiding from it. I was certainly better off with them apart, but that doesn't mean it wasn't shitty at the time anyway. So, don't feel discouraged if your children seem upset after the divorce, they'll soon realise they are better off like that, although they'll be shocked and confused (and angry) at first.

[Beamur]

My parents divorced when I was 24, and it was a relief and I was glad to see my Mum out of it.
Dad is a bit of an arse, not a bad man, but a rather selfish and sometimes spineless person.
He remarried quite soon after, I suspect wife was being lined up very soon after Mum left.
V difficult relationship ensued with Dad and new wife - slightly better these days.
I think overall I had a stable childhood due to them staying together, but it was not always happy - I had some difficult teen years made harder by the dynamics in the family. For instance, my Dad was having an affair (one of several over the years) and needed to talk to someone about it and chose to offload onto his 15 yr old daughter - not a good position to be in!
If I found myself in the same position as my Mum, I would not stay with my partner - staying with my Dad has harmed her self esteem hugely.

[orangepoo]

My parents divorced when we were teenagers. I was fine with it at the time - my dad horrible to all of us and we were better off just living with my mum. Both parents have new partners. I don't mind having step parents but I shall be honest and say that I think I would have found it very difficult if one of them (particularly my dad) had more kids with new partners. Sometimes my stepmother makes us (me & sibs) feel like we are just baggage from the past.

[Wigeon]

Wow - this thread really shows how badly apparently parents can behave. From these personal experiences the affect on the children seems to be completely down to how the divorce / separation was handled.

Spandangle - how old are your DCs?

[Wigeon]

rogue "apparently" there