Lundy Bancroft Book

[BreakFree]

I ordered it and it arrived the other day. Been hiding it, but went to bed early tonight and started to read. I really think I am going to vomit. I am sure I am having an anxiety attack
Its all just hit so so hard. I feel so stupid for being in this situation for so long.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

You're not stupid, you've been abused.

[BreakFree]

Trying so hard not to cry here because the flood gates are going to open and at the same time I don't want him to find me crying and start asking questions. My heart is pounding I feel like I'm going to be sick and I'm just shaking

[MummieHunnie]

Put it away, hide it, hide some other things incase you give yourself away, like passport, bank stuff and money, maybe in the garden incase! Go and watch some tv and plan a story if he comes down and see's you are crying do not let on!

Keep talking x

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Crikey :(

OK, hide the book again and go make yourself a hot drink. Slow breaths please!

Obviously you'll need to finish the book and sort out some support for yourself (as well as your thread here, which I'm sure will help you). Just for now, you've got the weekend to get through. Will he be home all weekend?

[GraceAwayInAManger]

MH :)

[MummieHunnie]

Grace, great minds think alike x

[BreakFree]

Yes he is always here. I always knew it was true I kept telling myself I was being abused but I kept staying believing that it would get better. I have lost friends fallen out with family my children are suffering my ds constantly refers to dad shouting in front of other people. I am trying to get it together here and breathe. I read a few chapters of the book and became so overwhelmed I had to stop. Staring me in the face for years and I am only feeling the severity right about now during a period of civility even after all those fights previous and all the insults. How controlled I've been. How sexually manipulated I've been.
How in heavens can I approach family or friends when they've heard me say I want to leave so many times before. How can I make it go away without losing my home. I have messed up in a big way. I am so embarrassed. So ashamed. I am a terrible mother and I am never going to live this one down in my family's eyes.
Floodgate opened.

[GraceAwayInAManger]

I feel for you. It's a huge shock. Congratulations on waking up, my love!

Your friends & family will forgive you, all you have to do is tell them you've realised. Remember your H has 'trained' you to feel ashamed and worthless.

Most people do not think like that :)

[GraceAwayInAManger]

How hard is it for you to get hold of money, birth certificates etc, car keys ... ?

DO NOT TELL HIM what you've realised. You've got to box clever now.

[BreakFree]

Easy for me to get hold of those things but I cannot really leave my home right now especially with Christmas.

[MummieHunnie]

People warned Kerry Katona many times and when she left they were there for her, people will be there for you too x

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Have another think about that - Christmas?

Is Christmas not possible at your parents', say, or a sister's or friend's?

[MummieHunnie]

I understand you not wanting to leave this close to xmas with the kids etc, if he is being nice right now, this will give you the time to plan, is he back at work on Monday? If he is you can speak to wa and a solicitor, cab etc, try and not expose the children to this! Get relevant documents/money etc out of the house. You have a bit of time to plan your escape. You could bit by bit move certain things out of the house in carrier bags under the guise of xmas gifts for others, ie kids uniform/school shoes that type of thing!

Then plan to go boxing day!

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Sorry, it sounds like I'm trying to push you. I'm not. If you can sort out your priorities over the next few days, you'll be doing brilliantly :) Remember you can call organisations like Womens Aid for support, as well as your friends & family.

[MummieHunnie]

Could the washing machine break down or someone offer to do washing/ironing as a gift this year and you have to send the washing out

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Nicer plan, MH. OP, you'll have to stay "as sweet as you are" at home! Time to become a double agent.

[MummieHunnie]

What age are the kids? you may have to think about reschooling them else where as they often go after the kids at the school to find out where you moved to!

[MummieHunnie]

You could have a charity shop clear out of things toys, clothes, trinkets!

Don't forget to sneak out photo's as you go!

[BreakFree]

I can't do the reschooling thing. Its a bit more complicated than usual. am afraid to say too much (paranoid) live in a town where everyone knows everyone and my parents r here too
I don't want to disrupt things at Christmas for the children. One is five one is 2. I'm sorry I'm not making much sense right now even to myself.

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

Well there is one good thing about Christmas that it gives you a bit of time to sort out schooling. So don't be worrying about that for now.

[MummieHunnie]

Has the 5 yr old got sen?

[BreakFree]

Yes

[MummieHunnie]

wa will be able to sign post you for help with that x

What do you think you will do BF? Have you managed to start thinking up a plan yet?

[GraceAwayInAManger]

BreakFree, MH's ideas are good ones. I understand about needing to stay anonymous. However, you haven't said anything that doesn't apply to hundreds of other Mumsnetters so rest assured on that! The 'shame' you're feeling has been instilled in you by your partner. It's not deserved or realistic.

It's a big ask at the moment, but it might be wisest to calm down and go to bed. If you can't sleep (as if!) you could work out which friends you can trust, when you can ring WA and what to put in your escape pack.

You can do this, and you will.

[RedSanta]

I have just left my husband after years of abuse (associated with alcohol mostly). I had discussed how awful it was with family and close friends regularly, and I felt the same as you about feeling embaressed, and stupid to have stayed for so long.

When I fully realised the extent of the harm that he was causing, I made a plan to leave. Believe me, it took a long time to realise as I was with him for 12 years, and we had 3 kids, plus I am supposedly an intelligent professional woman who should know better....anyway, I started putting my stuff into black bin bags, and stored them in the garage, with the excuse that it was stuff for the tip/ charity shop/ having had a clear out for Xmas. I gathered important documents (passport/ utility bill/ birth certificates/ bank details) as well as copies of my DHs financial situation. I arranged to stay at my parents, who helped me move one morning when my DH was at work.

Once I had a practical plan, I felt so much stronger. I would imagine there's never a good time to go - for me it was the guilt of not seeing my DS1s first nativity as I had to remove him from nursery school.

Try to stay strong, make a plan, get support from WA, here, your family and friends, and try to focus on the fact that you are doing it to remove yourself and your kids from an abusive partner.

I was freaked out when I realised that what my DH was doing not only constituted domestic abuse, but also the emotional abuse of the children, which can actually be regarded as a category of child abuse, and could trigger social work involvement etc.

I have been at Mum and Dad's for a fortnight and the getting away was the easy part - I feel lost, etc but I know I did the right thing, so am just allowing myself the time to come to terms with it.

If your kids are at school, then the holidays it may be an ideal time to go, as you could be going to stay with friends or family, and their routine may not be as disrupted.

I know I've written all about my situation, but I wanted you to know that there are others here who are going through the same.

Please stay strong. You're not stupid, just ground down by the abuse.
Thinking of you.