Can I ask DP to stop smoking?

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

Sporadic poster/keen lurker with new seasonal name asking for advice please :)

When I say asking him to stop smoking I mean Weed.

DP has been a habitual user (all evening after work and all day at weekends) since I met him 5 years ago.

I myself am not into that scene and never was but took the 'live and let live' approach when we met.

I used to smoke (cigarettes only though) up until 8 mths ago so know what its like to believe you can't live without a 'substance' sorry, can't think of a better word there.

However, his Weed habit is impacting on our relationship - always has I suppose but am only now really coming to fully realise this. All I can think is that I had a bit of a head in the sand approach to it before.

Anyway, sorry, rambling now. DP claims that his use has no impact on anything and that he is the same with or without it.

I think differently however, depending on how much he?s had he gets very unsociable and just wants to sit on his games console, has no interest in organising anything or going anywhere and it makes him v. tired the next day which means that weekends are largely spent sleeping until late while I see to any food shopping, housework etc.

Everytime I think about asking him to stop though I feel as if I'm being incredibly sanctimonious, I mean a) I knew about his weed smoking habit when we met and b) I wouldn't like it if he told me I could no longer have a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend.

Any thoughts gratefully received :)

[expatinscotland]

You can ask, but he can keep doing it.

Why on Earth did you take up with a weed smoker and stay with him for 5 years?

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

I know expat, hindsight is a fine thing. I just didn't realise how much of an impact that stuff has on people and lives etc. having never been around it before. Of course the smokers themselves are the first to tell you that it's perfectly harmless etc.

Sounds really daft but just recently I feel like I've been in a total fog of denial about it myself. This last weekend just gone though was especially dreary and just thinking now that I can't put up with it much longer hence me asking for advice about it, finally.

[BooBooGlass]

Ditto expat.
I would be incredibly surprised if he gave up. In fact, I'd bet you quite a lot of money that he won't, sadly. Cut your losses. Being in a relationship with a weed smoker is accepting that you will always come second to the weed, ime.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I would leave him. Weed smokers are feckless losers. Frankly, you can ask him til teh cows come home, he probably has 475 reasons to justify his habit, and he won't give that up, not for you, and especially not after you have countenanced it for 5 years.

Why waste your time?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Sorry - harsh.

But true in my experience.

It has no similarities with having a glass or two of wine. The strong strains of weed nowadays have a pernicious effect on mental health for one.

And to be honest, every single pot smoker I have ever known is an ineffectual and lazy loser. Bollocks to it. Get your life back.

[expatinscotland]

Sorry, but I'm with BooBoo and GetOrf.

It's entirely possible to leave substance abuse behind, but the person using them has to really want to.

He doesn't.

Do you have kids with this person?

If not, don't.

Bail.

[GypsyMoth]

I believe wine is legal!

Is weed smoking is an addiction if he's doing it that regularly, doubt he will stop

[OnlyWantsOne]

there is a gulf of difference between a couple of glasses of wine, and a daily weed smoking habbit.

You should ask, and he should respect you and any dc(?) enough to stop

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

Nope, don't have any kids. Wouldn't really want them exposed to the stuff in any way shape or form.

Thank you all for your straigh answers so far, really appreciated since it's not a subject I can easily raise with people in real life!

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

....straight even, D'oh!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

i have been flamed on threads in the past for being so zero tolerance re drugs.

My mother is an everyday pot smoker, and it has had an awful effect on me and my brother. My brother utterly loathes all drug use as well.

When you are surrounded by the actions and selfish self-obsession of a pot addict for a lor of your life, it tends to polarise your opinions. Like expat said, if you don't have kids with this loser yet, for fuck sake DON'T.

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

I know it's not a laughing matter but you are making me smile GetOrfMoiLand.

Don't really know what happened as I used to be very anti all of that stuff myself.

The habitual daily dope smokers I've met seem to be very good at keeping up appearances of it not affecting them in any way shape or form until you see it up close and live with it for a while.

Feel like a right idiot tbh but then he is a very nice guy almost all of the time just has no amibition, get up and go, plans for the future which is what is really starting to worry me.

[OnlyWantsOne]

and do you think those aspects of his personality which you find worrying are made worse by his use of weed?

[gingerwig]

"weed smokers are feckless losers"

well said . SO true.

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

Definetely OnlyWantsOne. He'd still be unable to make a decision about anything to save his life without the dope but he is a different person without it.

Whenever he has stayed away from it (holidays for example) he's been so much more 'with it' i.e sense of humour, able to talk about things other than stuff happening in 'game land' etc.

Have told him many times that I prefer the version of him that it isn't 'marinaded' in weed and that one week a year is too little to see of that part of him but seems to make no impact.

[PassionKissUnderTheMistletoe]

Yep yep yep - agree with all above, get out now!

I have been there - relationship lasted 2 years and he ended it against my wishes (which I'm still about - what was I thinking!) When we split it was like coming out of a hypnotised state and I could see how wrong it all was and how miserable he made me.

Paranoid, skint, lazy, selfish, unreliable waste of space. Same as any junkie but they all say it's as harmless as having a drink. Well sorry but I don't need a drink first thing in the morning and I don't drink and drive.

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

'Well sorry but I don't need a drink first thing in the morning and I don't drink and drive'

Never thought of it like that before

Do find it v. strange when he starts smoking almost straight after getting up at weekends.

It often seems like an escape mechanism to me and can't understand why someone would need to get away from a relaxing sunday morning (in their heads anyway) DP says it's not about that though

[MrsSOAK]

Hello
I was in your situation, my DH was a weed smoker and a gamer, I was a cigarette smoker. I made my feelings clear that I was getting fed up with the weed, told him I would rather he didn't and he agreed to cut down and just smoke cigarettes. He would still smoke weed when he thought he could get away without me knowing about it.
I told him I was planning on stopping smoking when I got pregnant, He said he would too; for support....and thats what happened. It took him a bit longer to stop than it did me but we are both now smoke-free. So it is possible BUT (and its quite a big BUT) he has to want to stop.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Partridge,

You have no future with this man; all you're doing currently is enabling him. I would also bail out.

I would also have to ask why you have hung around him for so long.

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

Hope from MrsSoak but thumbs down from the rest.

Mmmh.....gives me plenty to be thinking on - thanks again for all of your help!

[Fortheverylasttime]

If you took the weed out of the equation, you have a situation where you are expected to pick up all the slack on Saturday mornings. That is not an acceptable division of labour.

If he smokes weed, and the weed has the affect that you have to pick up the housework/shopping slack, that is not acceptable.

I am great friends with a (young) couple. He smokes weed, she doesn't but she doesn't mind him smoking it AS LONG AS it doesn't have any impact on her workshare, or his Daddy time with dc. (I am sure that the amount he smokes is miles smaller than that of your dp). He is a fabulous Dad, and big brother/responsible adult with his own and lots of others kids. I just think that the wife has him extremely well trained. He walks in the door at 5.30pm and is TRAINED to clear the kitchen before he sits down.

Perhaps its all down to training, and you may have met yours too late to be trained. The couple I am describing were at Primary School together.

How much is this costing? I don't think you need to wonder about the drugs good/ drugs bad angle too much. And if you did, he would have lots of old arguments about liberty, blah, blah, blah. But on the straightforward issue of division of labour and waste of family money, you have lots of points.

Do you have children? If not, you need to get him very well-trained or you will be mother to your own plus one.

I don't think it is an anti-drugs stance to point out his laziness, wasting of money and general lack of responsibility. You may find yourself being pushed into the role of 'controlling parent) to him and that is not fair on you and not sustainable, as it sounds to me.

How much does it cost him?

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

- Fortheverylasttime - sorry to be flippant but your friend sounds a bit like the dog whisperer with all that training going on

I do know what you mean though in terms of cost and not pulling his weight around the house.

Controlling parent is how I do feel quite a lot of the time. He can and will do things but only after I've had an absolute meltdown

But then I usually end up reminding myself that I'm not perfect and hardly Mrs 'grab life by the scruff' all the time either so don't feel entitled to critizise DP too much.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

He plays games as well?

Christ whatever did you ever see in him? He sounds like a real catch.

Drugs and computer games? I would be packing his bags.

[expatinscotland]

I've come back to this thread.

Okay, OP.

Here's the sum of it:

This person is a L-O-S-E-R.

He smokes so much skunk he's happy just smoking and gaming.

DTMFA (that stands for dump the mother fucker already).

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

DTMFA - although I'm quite shellshocked to hear the strenght of peoples opinions on this subject I am laughing at that :)