Jealousy in new relationship- probs need a virtual slap

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

or at leat fresh eyes on my issues!! I have fallen in love with my partner over the past few months and in many ways its exciting, exhilirationg and fun but... i have jealousy issues that i have not felt for over ten years and they're driving me mad. DP was a player/rogue in his twenties , when single but spent all his 30's in a faithful relationship (12 years she then had affair) since we spoke of our love and commitment to make it long term we talked at length of fidelity etc, he really wants it and believes in it and has been hurt in the past so I agreed we'd go for it. He says he got it all out of his system in his younger days and he's now early 40's!!

Anyway in his local pub at the weekend both quite hammered and he says a few comments that wound me up; 'she's attractive' about a bloke he knows partner, 'Thats the kind of girl I used to go for, she's not bad' about another girl and when advising his mate on going for a girl who fancies him- 'If I was you with a 20 year old after me i'd go for it'! It was all abit laddish and 'wahey!!'

The whole time I was there he was attentitive and kissing me and introducing me, I know he loves me so why the hell am i letting a jealous rage burn up within me??? Am i insecure/bunny bolier? I'm hiding it from him because we've talked at length about what we want and what we belive in and he is adamant he will be faithful and although he looks he will never touch and a bit of harmless flirting is fine on both accounts- any tips/practical advise/virtual slaps most welcome

[GypsyMoth]

that would ring huge warning bells for me i'm afraid.....very disrespectful,drunk or not!!

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

oh I'd sort of convinced myself they were throw away comments and i was being too sensitive!! He does so much for me to prove his love but maybe he'll always have that rogue within him!

[upahill]

I couldn't be doing with the 'laddish' behaviour tbh.
Dh has never said anything like that to me in 20 years or said anything ,intentionaly or otherwise to make me feel uncomfortable.

Tread carefully.

[xkittyx]

I must admit it would make me feel jealous and uncomfortable as well. To be fair I have less tolerance for this kind of thing than some. My DP certainly wouldn't say anything like that.

[GypsyMoth]

He may well be acting all nice etc now, but 1-2-3 years down the line? With THAT mindset?

Just rings alarm bells for me

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

Well ive just had it out with him again, he said the attractive comment was just describing a girl and not in a 'pervy' way, the one where he said the girl wasn't too bad was apparently cos i'd said his friend could do better and he disagreed and the other comment was just to motivate his single mate into doing something..... anyway I said would he like an open relationship/ keep it quite casual etc and he is adamant he doesn't and that he will remain loyal! He did also remind me that I stroked his mates torso and commented on how firm it was!

[lydiamama]

Hi, I had not read your last comment, I would suggest you to talk to him, just calmly tell him that some comment about other girls appereance in front of you made you feel uncomfortable, but I see you just had done it. For what you write above you are in a great relationship, so CONGRATULATIONS!!! Just enjoy it, but to keep it I believe you should be telling him (in a nice way, always that is the important bit) always how you feel. If he does or says something you loved, just say so, and he does or says something it makes you feel concerned, say, 'when you do/say , I feel *, NEVER you make me feel like **, that last one will not work.
And if my partner touches anyone and comments of how fit she is I would go crazy crazy, not so much if he says it only, so you are in a draw now

[ShirleyKnot]

I don't agree with you lydiamama.

not one little tiny bit.

[GypsyMoth]

Hmm me neither Shirley!

Op what do you mean by his friend 'could do better'???

[lydiamama]

I imagined you would not, for some reason I seem to take the opposite approach to any of my fellow women, I am starting to think something is seriously wrong with me...

[dignified]

Why is he describing himself as having been a rogue / player in his 20s ? Isnt it completeley normal behaviour for a young single man ?

I think his comments about " girls " is inapropriate , particularly the one about the 20 year old. Then again it sounds like youve been inapropriate by stroking his freind and making comments .

Presumably you were commenting about someones apearance when you said he could do better .

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

ok i think we're both out of order tbh- thanks for your honesty

[GypsyMoth]

Dignified, that's what I thought about that comment!

Judging by appearances...... That's low op. Very.

Lydia....... I doubt anything is wrong with you! We are all different with opinions to match!

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

Yes I judged her on her clothes more than her looks but yes i was being judgey and jealous and a drunken mard arse I think

[allgonebellyup]

The bloke i used to see would do that ALL the bloody time- "ooh,she's fit, i would DO her !look at the tits on that!" etc etc
Then he would have a go at me for being jealous, but tbh i think its just rude and immature.

[dignified]

It sounds like youve joined in with the comments which could be why theyve talked like this in front of you . Personally i wouldve shut it down straight away , i dont like to hear men talking about women in that way , or referring to them as girls.

Perhaps have a frank chat and agree to both be a bit more considerate of each other next time your out.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

He has made these less than respectful comments about women in your presence within the first couple of months?

RED FLAG.


He is saying this stuff in front of you and comparing types of women, objectifying them?

RED FLAG

This is the time he is supposed to be moving heaven and earth to impress you, not make you jealous.

These are the seeds of a manipulative man, a controller, and you dear girl are standing at the very top of a slippery slope

[dignified]

Im afraid i agree with LittleMiss.
Joining in with it / not raising any objections sent the message that you are ok with women being referred to in this way.

Often men will test the ground so to speak , by making these sort of comments and seeing how you respond. On its own these comments dont sound a big deal , but they can be indicative of a man who has a low opinion of women .

I would perhaps listen carefully to what hes saying in general conversation and if he regularly makes comments like this. His bragging of being a player in his twentys sounds a bit odd ( and an attempt to make you jealous ).

You obviously enjoyed the kissing in the pub and saw it as a sign of affection. Me being cynical would find that inapropriate and interpretate that as territory marking in front of the regulars at his local pub , and his comments desighned to make you jealous .

Listen carefully to what he says , and also to how his freinds speak about women . Men who have a low opinion of women usually seek out like minded freinds.

You dont need a virtual slap , your feeling uncomfortable and i think your wrongly interpretating that as jealousy . Even if it is jealousy , your feeling that way because of his actions which were at the least inapropriate and insensitive .

Men who have to have the obvious spelt out to them ie " please dont make comments about other women in front of me " usually have to have loads of obvious stuff spelt out as well.

The best advice i ever had was that if you have to state the obvious to someone twice , call it quits .

[AnyFucker]

Two very fantastic posts there from dignified and herHissyness

said it all, really

[fizzfiend]

yeah it sucks...been there too...with a guy that I was crazy about who would make comments all the time, tell me about his crazy last relationships in too much detail (i.e. I got drunk and then went back and fu the arse off her) that was nice. I tried to be a fucking modern woman, but inside I was seething and pissed off.

I don't know whether these guys do this to make you jealous or just to test you. I always felt that if I complained I would sound like some whiny needy woman...

maybe just pull back a bit...wait 24 hours before answering texts...that kills them :-)

and be vague...say you have been so busy...

it's all a bloody game, although everyone says "I don't play games." Yeah, right!!!

[MrMeaner]

Surely it's the context and the manner in which they are said that can significantly change the interpretation of this:

'He/She's attractive' - perfectly acceptable aesthetic comment if talking about man/woman in a discussion/conversation.
'Phwooarr, she's hot' - probably less acceptable, more than likely alcohol influenced.

'She's not bad' - standing up for his friend's taste in women and feeling a little slighted that someone else should make a derogatory comment about her.
'Phwooar, she's not bad' - different meaning altogether, read 'I fancy her'

'If I was you... 20 year old etc' = 'Friend, you're single, somehow, incomprehensibly to me, a young lady appears to find you attractive - of course there's no reason you shouldn't go for it'

Stroking of torso (from you) = no worries, we're all friends and I'm glad you can relax with my friends as well. Why would I feel stressed about that - it's not as if you really fancy him is it...?

This is one of those areas that I think claiming you're on the top of a slippery slope is a huge exaggeration. He clearly feels no jealousy that you would comment on his friend, so from his perspective he won't understand why you should feel jealous about any of his comments.
Personally I have no issue with my wife commenting on other men/super attractive young guys as I don't find it threatening at all.
Different people have different levels of acceptable though, so if you need to, just talk to him about it and explain there are things you are uncomfortable with. But to say this is all testing the ground and a red flag is somewhat OTT I think...

[Squitten]

I find myself agreeing with MrMeaner actually. My DH and his friends talk about women all the time, comparing tastes, etc. All of them are 100% faithful partners and I don't see the difference between that and me and my girlfriends looking at a nice waiter in a resturant and having a giggle about it. The fact that your partner is neither being offensive (which I don't think commenting on the attractiveness of a woman is) or hiding it from you is a good thing. As you yourself say, you were obviously doing a bit of admiring yourself that night!

Saying that, me and my DH will happily point out an attractive person to each other and have a laugh about it so it's never been an issue for us. I don't believe that it's anything to have a "jealous rage" about

[chosenonetosurvivethenight]

Some very interesting comments tbh!! I have to say he has never, never boasted to me about being a player in his past (I knew of him back in the early 90's!!) he is adamant he changed in his 30's in his last relationship, he talks of being quite unhappy back then really. Also he does not try and make me jealous he has said he never wants to hurt me. I definately think it was a 'come on she's alright' comment about his mates partner who I thought was dressed a little tartily.

Usually he will only comment on women in a repectful way e.g when watching Corra he said 'No disrepect to you but Carla is attractive' when discussing the Corra love triangle. He speaks highly of his ex partners and never slags them off. he doesn't seem sexist at all on a day to day basis.

Plus I am not a door mat, sad lone parent desperate for a relationship I will keep an eye on all of the above and always have things out with him- he has been apologetic, embarrassed and complimentary to me ever since this one off at the weekend. But I will remain aware.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

herHissyness??

Guess I have my Royal Wedding name then... [GRIN]

Cheers AF!

[AnyFucker]

good innit

I shall be HerFuckerness