Just need some support really

[lonelierthanIeverknew]

This is a difficult one to write, I don?t think there is anything I can do, I just need support.

DH suffers from depressive bouts: started way before we met, intensified and when he left his last job we thought they?d end as he stopped working nights and GP seemed to think that was the cause. He ahs another bout now and this time I can?t seem to take it like I normally would.

I won?t be leaving; I am a carer and if we cannot find a way to manage childcare with two of us, I sure as hell won?t be able to alone. Moving would mean losing all my friends (who are miles away and shared, he?d have to have the car), and the house which is rented, and the specialist education I fought for years for but is related to living in a place I could not afford on benefits. DH wouldn?t pay me a penny; he?s said that before and is on such a low income right now he wouldn?t have to anyway.

It?s hard to explain really- he is just so miserable, always, he comes in and shouts, complains about his awful day, tells me how everyone is out tt get him (they always are). They are not of course, I was in a similar role, it?s a normal workload but he won?t accept that. In his world everything revolves about him; he?s quite narcissistic.
My children have picked up it?s OK to yell at me too, but he says that?s my fault for being a bad Mum, not his.

If I went my family would turn on me I know (they prefer him, he can switch on charm big time) and I?m only just realising how he has disposed of every friend I had before. There is nobody. And you know with a bigger family anyway and no babysitting I?d be so lonely and isolated, at least sometimes he is in a good mood and we go out (NEVER organised by him: he never asks how I am, does anything romantic, he used to clean about the house but has been clearly deliberately cutting that down from 50% to very little now, we are at half the washing up stage now. And then he yells at me as the rest isn?t done well enough. I know I am here all day but I am also caring all night and worn out. He doesn't do any of teh disability stuff- it's all been my battle.

I am just feeling lonely I guess, and self indulgent.
And a bit worried I actively feel scared when he yells and do the whole thing of doing anything not to upset him.
He won;t take AD's any more as they do dim him down a lot; and I am hoping a Christmas trip away will help. Until next time.

After we married I found out that DH had a reputation for being a psychological bully but had simply not allowed me to meet those friends from his past.

[eaglewings]

Sorry, don't think I can offer any real advice, but just wanted you to know you are not alone!

Are there any carer groups? Being on your own in a relationship with someone like your dh must be hard

[kettlechip]

He actually sounds downright abusive to me. I feel for you, it must be really hard to live the way you are doing.

Do you really think your family are fooled by this? I bet there's someone who can see what's really going on here, and you need some RL support.

[LonelierThanIeverKnew]

He's ill, that much I know; but he does like the power as well.

Mum has put up with all manner from dad- I actually remember being in the front room when I was nine hearing them fight and Mum yelling 'he's raping me'; I have no idea if he was or not, he was violent (and to me), and Mum was on meds the whole time and would have made it up.

Years ago, Dh called me from his car whilst driving home to say he was going to kill himself then hung up. He meant it and the police brought him home, but I think he realised he could make me do what he wanted and whenever he gets down or I think wants to feel powerful he walks out or calls me form the car to tell me how nasty I am. he genuinely believes that, he has medical paranoia. If I ask him what time he'll be back from an evening out so I can make dinner I am controlling; he can go out 4 times a week (only at certain times of year inf airness) becuase he sometimes allows me 2 hours on a Wednesday

[LonelierThanIeverKnew]

Sorry thought he was coming downstairs (working in our room right now)

He will also happily ask our son to tell me how nasty and abusive I am and the thing is, he really believes it. He thinks he is perfection. His own mum won;t even speak to him, but it's never his fault. Ever. not the repeated sackings or anything. It's tiring. I used to work away a lot and would dread it as within 1 day he'd do something to get sacked or just walk out. He works for himself now, and does contract stuff which he says he likes but he is always so low.



There was also an incident a year ago that unnerved me- we were out alone, first time in a few eyars in fact, and he was drinking and me driving (he very rarely drinks). he

[dearprudence]

Are you OK Lonlier? Where have you gone?

[LonelierThanIeverKnew]

he was down then, seemed a little less angry.

Anyway after just 2 drinks, it was just us but in a room of people we knew including his family and he just started going at me- I was holding him back, i've had affairs (haven't), he wanted to move to London and didn't care what I did... loudly and humilatingly.

Then it ended and he was happy again.

I've seen his dad play the same thing- you think you's OK, then you disagree with him and he goes all black and he gets a scary tone to his voice.

We've made some new friends lately and my self esteem has gone way higher and I don;t want to lose them, but I don't know anyone here, they're all far away. Haven't got telephone of anyone under 50 miles away. Feel like I am on tenterhooks / walking on eggshells and so very tired of it all.

[LonelierThanIeverKnew]

Need to get kids settled

Thanks, just need to talk this out- never admitted any of this. Used to talk to Mum but she said 'either stay or don;t' and hung up 3 years ago which told me where I was on that one.

[kettlechip]

So you've been totally surrounded by narcissistic and abusive people - your father, your mother (although illness may be to blame), your H and his father?

No wonder you feel low. You need to get yourself out of this relationship and start a new life for yourself and your dc's well away from these toxic people. Can you go to the CAB or contact Womens Aid for advice? There will be a way of getting round this, you don't have to stay in an abusive marriage just for childcare.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Walking on eggshells is another way of saying living in fear. He has done a thorough number on you hasn't he?.

I would agree with Kettlechip - you do not have to stay within this sham marriage just for childcare. It will do you and your DC no good at all to remain within this - what on earth are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. No one benefits from remaining within an abusive relationship.

[tribpot]

You are in a very, very difficult position. I am a carer, and share similar thoughts about how we couldn't manage separately, but I just don't think I could cope if my DH's behaviour was as bad as yours.

Can he help it? Maybe not but reading what you've written, it sounds as if he is using the depression as a cover for being an arse of the highest order. Although my DH is depressed, I just don't have enough experience to say whether your DH's behaviour can be 'explained' by the depression. To me encouraging your children to abuse you goes beyond what can be tolerated under the depression banner.

Carers UK do a fantastic course about being a carer and how to cope with it, definitely worth looking at their website. You must find yourself some support, keep posting here and know that what you are feeling is valid, and understandable. We want to help.

[Vanillacandle]

Hi Lonelier

Where in the country are you, hon?

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone - my DH also suffers from depression, so I know how hard it is to deal with. Thankfully he is not abusive, but that doesn't always make it any easier when he is telling me for the hundredth time that I don't understand (I do). Over the years, I have learnt to say as little as possible because nothing I do say is right. He usually manages to talk homself out of his rants after a while, but every time it starts I wonder if this is the time he really will hand in his notice at work, and I get this sick nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. The walking on eggshells thing I know very well...

Anyway, enough of me, as it's you we're worrying about! To start off with, is there no way you can get him back on medication? My DH tried 2 or 3 before we found one that didn't make him a permanent zombie. It really is worth going back to the doctor to try to switch tablets. Maybe wait until this particular episode is over and he is more rational before you try to discuss it.

As to whether you stay or not, I think a lot depends on whether you think that underneath it all is still the person you fell in love with and married. If not, or if you don't like/love him any more, then you have to take a long hard look at the relationship and your situation, and ask if it is the right environment for the children. Do you want them to grow up thinking it's OK for men to bully women? Do you want them to repeat the pattern? I know it's incredibly scary to think about it, and you did say you weren't leaving, and I understand your reasons, but you'll be no good as a carer if you're trodden into the dirt. It may be worth doing some research into alternatives - could you move nearer to your friends so they could help out, where is there any other provision for your disabled child, what help could you get with benefits and childcare/respite - because sometimes just having the information, even if you never use it, is a comfort (if the worst did happen and you did have to go, you would at least have the escape plan ready and it would be less to tackle in an emergency).

This has turned out to be a really long message, but I really feel for you.

Please keep in touch on the thread - I don't manage to log on every day, but now I know you're there I'll keep an eye out for you!

If you ever need to talk, let me know.
Stay strong, I'm thinking of you.

[livinginazoo]

His bad behaviour sounds like it could be linked to his depression, the not wanting or being able to do things, shouting, criticising, suicidal thoughts. Not fun for anyone. Maybe other things in there too, I am no professional. Has he been to a GP for referral for professional diagnosis and treatment? I personally (and this is from experience) would not stay more than very short term with some one who point blank refused ADs and psychiatric treatment. I realise that treatment is the last thing a depressed person wants or thinks they need (the irony of it), but, you sound like you and your children are suffering and doing that when there isn't even hope of him getting better - which by the sound of his recurrent and importantly UNTREATED depression there isn't - is no life. Depression is a real and horrible illness for the sufferer and his spouse/children, but that doesn't mean you need to be a martyr. It is also hard for people outside the core relationship to understand what is going on, depressed people are great at putting on an act for outsiders. And people generally/families don't seem to empathise with depression as it is hard to understand what that means if you are not suffering from it or living with it, like you are making it hard for you as the carer to get help. Perhaps you can speak to your GP to get RL support for you? And IMO depression is no excuse for abusive behaviour, he needs to get treated and stop, or you need to reconsider your future with him. In his state he will not respect you for staying, he will just keep behaving abusively, and it will not get better.

[Vanillacandle]

Hi again

I agree with livinginazoo - most people who do not have first-hand experience of depression, or living with someone who has it, have no idea what it's like. The trouble is that the word "depression" is overused and mainly just to mean a bit fed up or unhappy. It is nothing like clinical depression at all. I wish they'd give clinical depression a different name to make it sound more like a medical condition (which it is). If you're not getting support from your family, can you talk to any of your friends about it? Do you have any friends that are not joint - if they don't know him, you won't feel guilty that you're somehow making him look bad (I have told very few people of my DH's depression as most of my friends know him and I wouldn't want to feel that it made them look at him any differently - but then my DH is taking his ADs and is not abusive). If not, then carry on talking to us, as we're here for you.
I know you probably don't want to hear it, but if he is refusing medication, he is not going to get better, and neither is your life. He obviously does not think enough of you to try all he can to put things right, so like I said before, get yourself armed with information and an escape plan and cut your losses. You will survive. (In fact, you're probably more likely to survive if you do leave than if you don't...)

Anyway, I don't want to put the frighteners on you or make you feel that you're being pressurised to take a step you're maybe not ready for quite yet - in fact I was just checking back in to see how you're doing - but I can see others on this thread feel strongly that for the sake of your DCs and your sanity, you have to look after No.1.

You seem to have disappeared - have you got the DCs in bed yet? or has he been downstairs again?

[Vanillacandle]

Hey Lonelier

No posts from you for 2 hours - hope you're OK...?
I'm signing off soon, so just to say "Night night" and I'll check back tomorrow. Please drop a line on here to let me know how you're doing, or I'll worry about you.
Don't feel lonely, you have friends here who are only a mouse-click away.

See you soon - keep in touch.
x

[Eurostar]

This doesn't sound like classic depression at all. Has he ever seen a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist? You mention narcissism and a lot does seem to point to it, have you read the description on this link?
www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

Anyway, I doubt he is capable of change. You sound so lonely and isolated but you are likely to find that people are there for you if you make the break.

Sounds like you believe his publicity a bit too much too? His mother doesn't speak to him, he has a trail of sackings and ex friends? If you were not with him you might find that a lot more people want to spend time with you.

It's said many times on here but - women's aid will be able to help. Look out for threads on here too from women who have escaped from seemingly hopeless situations to be much happier in the end.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

his depression is nothing to do with his vicious nastiness.

he asks your son to say mean things to you?

you may be a carer, you are not a flipping slave. He is treating you abysmally.

Has he never heard the advice not to bite the hand that feeds/cares for him?

PLEASE! Get yourself to the CAB and find out what help you can get from the state and then call Women's Aid.

This is hideous, hideous abuse. he is getting your DC to gang up on you?

Guess what they will do to their partners when they are grown? Do you really want to facilitate this treatment of you to another person?

You can get out of this. He doesn't deserve you in his life. He is VILE.

Please call someone, please go speak to CAB.

[GypsyMoth]

I agree the term depression is overused

Op he sounds scaring similar to my ex........ He allegedly had depression which I never believed. Psychiatrist did an assessment to find a personality disorder

Iagree, time to get yourself out of this sham. You ate clearly terrified of him

[SurreyAmazon]

What a sad thread! I don't know how you have managed to cope so far (I would have been reduced to a dribbling mess by now).

I am quite concerned about the effects this is having on your health (in addition to the round the clock care you are giving). What do you do to lift your spirits? d


As for practical suggestions; Try changing his diet to include sources of Omega 3 and Magnesium (a deficiency in both has been proven to lead to depression, mood swings etc). A good way to do this is to add ground flaxseed to his breakfast.

Great big hug from me!

[IfGraceAsks]

When my depression first started, I was literally unable to fight off the belief that the whole world is vile and everybody was out to get me. At the time there was some truth to it (I was being victimised) which didn't help. I did, however, know enough to keep my vicious mouth shut and to keep trying different meds until we found one that worked. Your H isn't even doing that.

Like you, I grew up in a household full of mad people and it was my job to keep everyone happy. It sets you up for some really crap relationships - we've been trained, if you like, to excuse any manner of misbehaviour as long as there's a reason. You're a grown-up now; you can see that a 'reason' IS NOT THE SAME as an 'excuse'. Even if his illness is making him see in black & grey, it doesn't excuse his maltreatment of you, nor let him off taking responsibility for his own mental health. The meds make him feel bad? Oh dear What, worse than he feels without them?

You need to break out of this, my love, before your entire family gets screwed up by this maliciously depressing control freak. Please make a few moves towards getting information and support - phone Womens Aid, make an appointment with the CAB and check out all the resources available to your profession.

Just knowing stuff will help you gain strength :)

[dignified]

If he thinks your so nasty why is he still there

I dont think depression leads to him abusing you at all . Even if he is depressed he has a responsibility to himself to get help and take his meds.

Its interesting his dad behaves in a similar way , and that he encourages your kids to verbally abuse you . I would ring womens aid for some support , and contact cab / tax credits ect to find out what support you would get .

You might find there is lots of help available and you might even be better off on your own.

[LonelierThanIeverKnew]

He really is depressed- he was on citalopram for ages, prozac before that but it made him so ill. Citalopram was good, took away 80% of symptoms (I think the rest was learned from his upbringing which was very odd and dysfunctional). He asked for a Psychiatrist or Counsellor referral but GP said no ( was there, not a lie).

The reason he won't go back on is the fear of side effects- stomach problems (triggered nasty IBS) and complete lack of libido. He also wants to try and work through his busiest time of year unmedicated, and said he will think again if needed after Christmas. I can understand that, even if it makes things tough for me.

His 'up' self is very different though I think it would take counselling to take away thE effects of some childhood experiences, and the GP says the counsellor they employ is on long term sick so its a no-no.

I do get time to laugh if parents can have children, as he tends to put himself first (actually that's mean- can't explain but it's a structured thing, team sport, and what he does is needed more than what I do) and we share friends. However this weekend I said I was doing it and he had to babysit and he accepted that which is good. I am not a doormat- I always yell for myself if I really need to.
'I am worth more than that' is my mantra recently in fact.

Long term I can see a way out if needed; he needs to finsih his contract and then we could move closer to friends, can't go 'home' as our County is stripping back disability services we rely on. We already get no respite or anything, losing the school support as well would be unbearable. That also gives me time to finish qualifying for a decently paid job: I hate being a burden for Carer's and Tax Credits, certainly woudln't want to cost any more. If we went there and split I could work, keep friends, rent and not be totally isolated. Or he might take the meds agin and get better.

I am safe though, he wouldn't hit me. He knows I am more than his physical equal if I had to defend myself anyway. But I don't think he would do it.

[malinkey]

But it's not just about being safe from being hit. That doesn't make the rest of his behaviour ok.

Whether he's depressed or not his behaviour sounds hellish to live with - I couldn't do it.

[IfGraceAsks]

Your posts all speak of your responsibilities towards him. He's not a child, neither is he one of your charges. He's your partner and, in putting his own needs (libido and poorly tummy) before your family's need for a mentally stable adult, he is failing in his adult responsibilities towards you all.

That may be extremely hard for you to get your head round. Your choice of career suggests your own parents managed to infuse you with such a strong sense of being responsible for others' well-being, it is the only light in which you can find yourself worthwhile. It may be almost impossible for you, currently, to see your own needs and rights as equally important. I think your husband is leveraging that to gain power.

Does this ring any bells at all with you?

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Honey though you are NOT safe. He is injuring you on a daily basis!

Yes you ARE worth more than this.

You are making excuses for him. I have survived a suicide attempt. I saw my counsellor notes, she didn't think I'd make it. She was preparing herself to lose me.

I think this guy is in a low mood, he possibly does have depression, but clearly not that serious, or he'd be referred to a pychiatrist/counsellor.

I think he really IS that nasty. Perhaps people don't really like him because he isn't very nice? A Doctor would surely try to treat him, if he thinks there could be some improvement.

You don't need to move, you can ask him to leave. You don't have to put up with this.

Bite back, don't take this shit. If he snipes at you, tell him off. Tell him he has no excuse for being rude and you will not be treated like this. Tell him that if he is so miserable with you, that he knows where the door is.

1. he might stop and think about his manners
   
2. he may leave
   

either way a win win.

Stop pinning your life on HIM and HIS contract/achievement or whatever, he's not focussing on you or your needs, he is focussing on belittling and destorying you and your family.

Ask yourself, if all these poople cut him off in the past, and he has nothing left, why IS that? What did all those people see that you didn't.

You have an idea of what you would like your partner to be and have overlooked his rudeness in the pursuit of that illusion.

This is all it is though. You deserve better, he doesn't deserve someone as good hearted and supportive as him.

He is taking the piss big time and using depression as a stick to beat you with.

Shame on him.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

poople? people! destroying etc