18 years of wonderful amazing times down toilet

[Itsallfucked]

I've changed names - but I am a regular. Been on and off contributor for 8 years.

Moldiegate. She who shall not be named. OJ. Peter & Misdee.

DH and I have been together for 18 years. He is a wonderful, stupid, misguided cock.

In 2002 we had a terrible year. Bereavement. Affairs (both of us). Family fall out. Just horrendous.

Anyway we decided that we had both made hideous mistakes but that ultimately we loved each other an wanted to make a go of things. A trillion tears, a lot of hard work, blood, sweat and pain, we seemed to have gotten there.

FF to 2008. We moved towns. We knew nobody in the new town. I was soon befriended by a mum at the school. We became quite close and she became Godmother to my DS2.

In March this year I found out (through the village gossip) that my DH and this woman had a drunken grope (apparently this stupid woman told somebody about it). I confronted DH and he immediately admitted it. He was horrified and sad and put it down to the drink - I remember the night in question, we were all absolutely hammered.

I just can't get over this indiscretion. I love my DH. We have three wonderful kids and he is a perfect husband in every respect (except for the fact that he snogged my best friend). I just can't see my way clear to forgive him. We had a hideous row last night, I started packing my bags but he beat me to the car and buggered off and hasn't been back since. He says it's what I want and it's over.

I love my husband and am devastated about this but perhaps it's for the best. Thoughts?

[Lulumaam]

firstly , I'm really sorry.

secondly, not quite sure what to say...

you've both put a lot of work into making things work after your bad time and moved , fresh start..

the drunken grope - hmmm, alcohol makes people do stupid things but does not excuse the actions

your friend is as much to blame.

i suppose in your shoes, my first thought would be , what else has he done that i don't know about?

you love him BUT he's drunkenly groped your best friend.

is it somethng you cna move past? on it's own, it's bad, but don't know if it's a total dealbreaker.

he's flipped it all over to you though now and buggered off playing the victim card, which i would not stand for, he's the one in the wrong.

lots of serious talking and a severe bollocking for your 'friend;.. i'd certainly notbe forgiving her in a hurry.

[Itsallfucked]

She has never even apologised to me. We are no longer on speaking terms.

The fallout has been horrible - we live in a smallish village. Everybody knows and I have been totally humiliated.

[Itsallfucked]

He has been nothing other than one million percent ashamed and apologetic. It's been 8 months since I found out and I just can't get past it. Last night was the fourth of fifth HUGE row we've had about it in 8 months.

He has had an affair - we both did in 2002. Different town, times, lots of horrible stuff going on.

Flogging dead horse perhaps?

[Lulumaam]

I think maybe you need relate or something?

i suppose after everything that happened, you both came clean about your affairs, worked hard to make things better, then he has a drunken grope and it's like WTF?>? after everything, he'd throw it all away for THAT!?
i am not surprised oyu're angry
you sound quite defeated by it all

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

IMHO a drunken grope at a party does NOT outweigh '18 years of wonderful amazing times' and does not transform a 'perfect' man into a pariah.

It sounds like you've both got over far worse challenges to your relationship than this in the past. If you both want to stay together then you will be looking for ways to get over this relatively run-of-the-mill blip.

However, if you both really want out then this will make the perfect catalyst.

I appreciate it's all very raw at the moment - you've both had affairs in the past so you know a grope can lead to more; you found out through the grapevine not from him; he has run away and presented himself as the victim when you want to give him a bollocking.

Give it till tomorrow evening. See how you feel about it then.

[Itsallfucked]

Thanks Lulu.

Yes I am so very defeated and angry. I manage for weeks at a time to keep my composure. I pretend I am ok with all of this.

But I am not ok. I am insecure, my confidence is shattered and I feel as if our new life has been ruined.

I am quite heartbroken to be honest.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

whoops just seen that this happened in MARCH!

Blimey, you are festering something rotton. Relate relate relate, on your own.

[Itsallfucked]

Thanks for your thoughts Oldenough. Neither of us want to leave each other.

It's me, I can't shift this angry resentment.

[purepurple]

You are bound to be hurt. You are allowed to be hurt.
You really need to talk to him. But before you do, you need to do some thinking, so maybe some time apart will actually be beneficial.
You need to consider the future, can you envisage a future without him?
Consider it carefully. You either want to make it work or you want to walk away.
But you do need to know how he feels. if he is willing to stay together, then you both need to talk to each other.
But, it won't be the same. You have been hurt and that will affect your relationship.
Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Itsallfucked]

I have to go now, DS1 needs me. Thanks for the thoughts - it helps to get an outsider point of view.

Definitely going to take my time and think things through carefully and consider relate.

Thanks again.

[violethill]

I agree with Lulu and oldenough.

You've clearly come through some really tough times before, so it seems you have the potential to do so again....

WOuld counselling help you unravel your feelings about this? Seems as though you dealt with much tougher stuff some years back, but that this 'blip' has made a lot of stuff re-surface. I don't mean 'blip' to sound trivial, as I'm sure it all hurts a lot, but it seems madness to throw away 18 years of good times over a stupid drunken mistake.

[purplepeony]

At the risk of being shouted own, I think you are overreacting. It was a grope. you were all hammered. it happens. Move on. No afair, no emotional entanglement.

Ages back- 25 year or more- my BF's partner tried to grope me in my car, after I had dropped her off first at home. I didn't respond and I was not drunk as I was the driver- but i can see how I could have possibly had we both been drunk...
and it would have meant nothing. I never told her - thought long and hard on it. They split years later anyway- her choice and nothing to do with infidelity.

Hard as it is, you have to see this for what is was and not confuse it with the emotional betrayal of an affair- it wasn't.

[spidookly]

It doesn't matter whether you're overreacting. What matters is that this is your reaction, despite months of trying to force yourself to react differently.

I think Lulu's post was very insightful - after all you'd been through, after all the work, after the new start, he fucked it all up by being a disloyal dick.

A drunken grope with a supposed friend of yours? It's so tawdry, so cheap. To still be able to be such a knobhead after all you'd been through together?

Do you know why you can't forgive him? What is the real sticking point for you?

It seems a small thing in and of itself, but it has somehow gone to the heart of how you see your relationship. Why is that, do you think?

[perfumedlife]

I think it's still raw because you know if your 'friend' hadn't talked you would never know. And you call her stupid for having talked, which concerns me. It makes me wonder that you might rather she had kept quiet and the humiliation would be less, rather than being massively hurt but at least in posession of the facts.

I have friens who moved country after the dh's affair. She is homesick but feels it is the only way to stay with him, away from people who know. She is deeply unhappy because she cannot immigrate away from herself.

I don't think it's as simple as a drunken grope. Maybe if it was the first time, but as you both know from experience whats at stake and the hurt caused, it seems he is not very concerned about that, that the lesson hasn't been learned.

Sorry, I hope you find some solution.

[perfumedlife]

Sorry, friend

That's the major thing here, why on earth with your best friend? It's almost like he has a subconcsious wish to get caught.

[Hassled]

I was thinking what dittany said - I don't think you can have really got past the "proper" 2002 affair. I'd imagine you were furious and hurt and angry - but of course couldn't really express all that at the time because you were equally guilty. You would have had to suppress everything you were actually feeling. Now, when he does something bloody stupid but not a marriage-breaker, the reactions from 8 years are "allowed" to surface.

Or am I talking out of my arse?

[EightiesChick]

Absolutely agree with Dittany and Hassled above. Sounds as if you imagined you had sorted out all the 2002 stuff but had done so not by digging through it as much as smoothing it over, and creating a clean slate by moving. Now that clean slate had been desecrated it seems, but that would be manageable if you had really, truly established a clean slate from the previous awful period.

Counselling, definitely. For you seperately and for both of you.

[MumInBeds]

I really don't know the answer to this so I am just putting it out as a question for you to think about, is it the grope you can't get over or the fact you think/know the whole village knows about it?

[TheBigZing]

I wonder if the reason you can't get past your anger about this is down to the pubic humiliation you feel you've suffered as a result - everyone in the village knowing. Plus losing someone who you thought was a close friend.

From your point of view, this isn't just a simple case of forgiving him for a meaningless drunken grope. It's about how it's affected you and your 'place' in the community.

Added to that, there is the incredibly hard work you have both put in to save your relationship after your annus horribilus. To go through so much shit, then put so much investment in to repairing things, just for him to go and risk it all for nothing - that must really hurt.

I can fully understand why you are struggling to get past this tbh.

But I don't think you're flogging a dead horse either. You clearly love each other and you both want it to work.

I really think counselling has to be the way forward.

So sorry you're going through this shit.

[AnyFucker]

If, as the last couple of posters have said, it is the public humiliation you cannot "get over" then I can really identify with that

I woud never let a man belittle me in that way. I would move on no matter what the history.

Also the fact he has done it again even though you did it too in 2002. I presume you learned your lesson from that, but he has not.

I am not surprised you are struggling, and frankly, in your situation, I would give up the struggle.

Because it is too much of a struggle. No one man is worth it, IMO.

Find another man who won't bring you so low.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Of course you are struggling ItsAllFd, I'd be mortified too.

But I'd be wrong. You have done nothing wrong, he is the one that let you down. You expected more of him and he disappointed you, broke your trust.

That would be the deal breaker for me.

I don't think he's worth it either. You clearly have grown, he has not.

Now hold your head up high, draw yourself up to your full height and work out what YOU want to do next.

[Itsallfucked]

Thank you all for such great advice.

I wide awake and pondering it all.

I think I need to get over my anger. To the posters who were asking about the humiliation and DH cocking up our "clean slate", you are absolutely right.

I am ragingly FURIOUS that he has done this. This was a good place, this was a clean place with no sordid history. This was a place where I was a nice, normal mum, with a nice normal family.

Now it's not.

I have decided to do nothing for 48 hours. I am too angry and raw after our row. I keep saying things which I mean, but I don't really mean iykwim. When I am angry I feel a whole bunch of stuff, yet when I have the time to back down I realise that I am acting like a dickhead and the whole family is suffering because of it.

In the next 48 hours I plan to make a plan. I am determined to get to the bottom of what I want from my DH to make it better and it may well be that there is nothing.

You lot really have come up trumps and given me the varied perspective that I need.

Thank you .

PS: Dh did arrive back but we didn't speak, I just knew it would get ugly.

[AnyFucker]

It may be nothing

It really is not "nothing"