Do I take him back?

[Mumfortoddler]

Hello,

First time on here and looking for some advice from other parents. My ex has been trying to get back together with me for 9 months, left him in February following a 2 year long relationship and we had a 9 month old son together (yes, we hadn't been together long when it all happened)my ex was emotionally abusive and used to come home and shout at me and call me names for just about any old reason. When I started to defend myself during the relationship following counselling he started manhandling me, getting rougher, doing things like grabbing my neck and pushing me to the ground, threatening me and things like that. He was a good guy when he wasn't stressed but really pants at supporting me with my little one. I first left him in November and he chucked me around the kitchen and pinned me against the wall, I ended up calling the police for help to leave the property with my son and he got me arrested on suspicion of assault saying I had pushed him (which, by the way wasn't true.)

Since then he's been going to counselling, given up smoking, coffee and has become a very much better father to the little one. He's still been a bit threatening (he threatened to tell my family about a really painful and difficult thing I had told him about my brother early on in our relationship) but his behaviour has improved. I can't believe I am writing this but do you think there is any hope for this man?? He has been working on his problems, granted, but when I think back I am still so furious about everything that happened.

Despite the fact I think I must be insane for even thinking about going back- if I were to go back how long do you think I should let him carry on the counselling for before I do?

My life has been so much better without him in it and feel like I've rebuilt everything. Got a house now, job, doing masters, my little one is doing great, it seems so risky to take a chance on him?! But there is a part of me that can't let go of being a family. Must be mad. Someone help me see sense.

[Spero]

he has still be a bit threatening

Therefore, no, no and no. What if he is a 'bit threatening' in front of your baby? What if your baby gets directly caught up in it?

Its great that he is trying to change but sounds like he has a long, long way to go, if he gets there at all.

I don't think it is worth the risk, at least not now, not until you can be sure he isn't ever going to be a 'bit threatening' to you EVER again.

[SparkleSoiree]

TBH I would not even give it a second thought. You yourself have grown and healed in your time apart and you really cant be sure 100% that it will be a happy ending.

You don't have to be with him to be a family. You can build a new family in a new relationship like many of us have done after leaving nasty partners. Personally I healed myself over the course of 5 years and then my DH showed up. It is different for everyone.

However it is your life and you must decide.

Good luck!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

"My life has been so much better without him in it and feel like I've rebuilt everything."

Why risk all that?

He has form, he treated you abysmally, he is putting on an act very probably, and if you let him back he could very well slip back.

he's raised his hand to you already, he has beaten you and throttled you. Once predators like this have tasted blood, it's almost impossible to reform their character 100%

You can be part of a family again, but not with this man. You will find a proper man, a real man, not an angry controlling brute.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Nope. Sorry. No way. He has treated you very badly and if you take him back I think you will signal to him that this is ok.

[malinkey]

"My life has been so much better without him in it and feel like I've rebuilt everything."

So why are you even considering getting back with him?

[msboogie]

No No No!! He is still the same man! Do not go back for more. You and your DS are a better family as you are.

[clam]

You can be a family. With someone else. In the future.

[ChippingIn]

No no no no no no no no no

Just read your own OP as though you were someone else.... Please. Don't take him back.

[Doha]

No No No

Cant believe you are even asking the question

[fairycake123]

Don't take him back.

[hobbgoblin]

He had his chance at being the man that made your family. Make space for someone decent to do so, not him.

He'd have to have a complete personality change in order to be worthwhile and it takes a whole lotta counselling and willpower for that to happen.

[HansieMom]

No.

[JiggeryPoverty]

No no no no no a million times NO!

"He was a good guy when...."

No guy is a good guy 'when' - if they're only a good guy when they're not being a cowardly abusive microdick they're not a good guy.

It must have taken enormous courage and strength to leave him. Don't undo it.

The best you can aim for is a civil relationship for the sake of your son. Still being 'a bit' threatening might be better than he was before, but it's nowhere near good enough. Decent men, real men, aren't in the least bit threatening. Please don't accept this loser back, for your sake and your son's.

[Constance39]

You are a family without him, he will wreck that.

What sort of bastard threatens the woman he's supposed to love?

Jeez.
Men like this USUALLY put on a big act, be on their best behaviour when they want something...in this case, probably not even you, but to save face for himself.

Don't buy a word of the crap.

It will all revert back to how it was the minute you agree to have him back.

Please, please don't do it.

[AnyFucker]

christ almighty

you say you have been better off without him, and your life sounds nicely sorted

what the hell are you thinking ????

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No to taking him back. You will throw any progress you have made since his departure away.

You probably only have his word he has been to counselling in the first place. Counselling does not actually cure emotionally and or physically abusive men; it helps them to justify their abuse further in their own minds.

Just as importantly if not more so he is also NOT your bloody project to try and save so curb any rescuing/saving instinct you have towards him. People like him do not want to be rescued and or saved from themselves.

[Squitten]

Very bad idea

[Gay40]

Insane. INSANE. You will be back here within months saying how shit it all is.
There's a better man out there for you, promise.

[CMOTdibbler]

No way would I take him back. If he is still threatening you he hasn't changed a jot, no matter what he says

[Myleetlepony]

Why would you want him back when your life is so much better without him? In the nicest possible way, get a grip and move on.

[timetosparkle]

My advice from experience is no, don't. You have made a new life for yourself. You have made a good journey on the road to recovery from an abusive relationship. You are feeling stronger now. The trouble with where you are now is (just guessing from my experience) partly you are feeling stronger and women think they can then handle things better in a situation (eg with your ex), but that is now, when you are out of the situation, before it has 'ground you down again'. And yes, I totally understand the huge dream of 'the family with the father of your child/children'.

And - he got 'you' arrested for domestic violence. Typical, manipulative behaviour. Does that show respect for you? NO. It's called 'saving my own back whatever the cost eg putting the blame on YOU with the police'. Makes me really angry as I know all about this.

[RudeEnglishLady]

Please, please, please Nooooooooooo!

If this is the best he can do when he really wants you back you just know how utterly horrible he's going to be when he thinks he's 'got you'.

You sound so strong and fab - look at all the good stuff you've got for yourself since you left him. Watch him knock all that on the head the minute he gets his feet under the table.

He can be a good father without being in your house.

Your angry for how you were treated for a reason. He's a complete shit.