do you read your partner's emails/texts?

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Apologies if this has been done before but I would really like some advice/perspective.

My DH and I have been together 15 years and in that time his family have been quite an issue. They do not like me, main reason being my DH is a twin and she was very upset when we got together because she felt left out (we were all friends at uni). She badmouthed me to the rest of the family and they have never forgiven me. I try to see as little of them as possible to be honest.

Anyway, I digress... DH and I have three young children and he is self-employed. Life is hard - as it is for most people. I cling on to the fact that we love each other, this is just a difficult phase, it will all get better. I am very close to my family and we all discuss the ups and downs. They never speak badly of my DH even if he has been out of order, they always encourage me to see the bigger picture, we are all just tired, things will get better. My DH's family are so negative. They always make me out to be the bad person, not surprising really as DH paints the picture that way. I know this because... I read his emails. I do feel bad but I am totally paranoid about his family. And with good reason, I always find stuff his brother or twin say about me. Really negative stuff. I know you never read good of yourself when you eavesdrop and I only have myself to blame, but I'm stuck. What do I do?? Today I read his mail to his twin saying

"Thanks for your concern.

Quite right, I am miserable. Toastandmarmiterocks is so complex and fiery, I just can not begin to explain.
You lot probably think I am some sort of doormat. I can assure you that that is not the case. I have changed into someone who is less mellow and more fed up.

Ah well, haven't spoken since yesterday afternoon and a night of abject misery and intense tension will take place until the best or only option is to apologise and drink myself to amnesia.

Wish me luck,

x"

The twin's reply was basically saying how spoilt and unreasonable I am. Having a go at my upbringing??? WTF has that got to do with her? I can totally understand how she will support her brother but I just don't see how she is helping matters?

I feel so let down by DH, feel he is so disloyal. I never speak about him like that even to my sisters. I am only coming on here because I desperately need to speak to someone and I can be annonymous here. I can not confront him because then I have to admit I read his email, I am going to have to just put up and shut up even though I feel it is so desperately unfair.

I am so sorry to have rambled on, I would appreciate any help/advice please.

[dignified]

The problem here is not your in laws , its your Dh , they will take their cue from him on how to treat you and if he portrays you in that manner its inevitable they wont like you.

I had similar with my in laws for years , it was really upsetting , eventually i realised it was Ex , he needed his family not to like me for some reason and activeley encouraged it with similar comments to what your dh said . He would also bitch about me to his freinds , despite that he would bleat he loved me and would object strongly if i suggested a divorce . I never saw any evidence but i knew due to how his freinds and family treated me .

Is it possible to confront him about this email ? Personally id confront them both and say if hes so miserable its best if he fucks off out and lives elsewhere . Is he a whinger in general , is it a absurd form of attention seeking from his family do you think ?

Whatever it is , it is very disloyal , if you saw a email like that from a freind you probably wouldnt speak to her again.

[crimsonpetal]

It's not anything to do with his family - of course his twin is going to be on his side. Your DH obviously has a problem with you, for whatever reason, so you need to talk about it.

[toastandmarmiterocks]

I agree Crimsonpetal, we do need to talk. He is not great at these talks, its always me that instigates it. I just don't know how to go about it all. Do I let on I know about the emails? He will be FURIOUS. If I don't let on about the emails then how do I explain why I am so upset?

Dignified, although comforting to know someone else has been in the same boat I am upset to see he is your ex. I really don't want to split up with DH, I adore him, just not when he is being so off with me. The only problems we have ever had in our relationship are to do with his family. That is the only thing we ever argue about.

Does anyone else read emails/texts??

[dignified]

Its highly likeley that his attitude towards you is leaking out in general day to day behaviour . Whether he loves you or not , i dont know ,but he certainly doesnt respect you . What is your marriage like in general ?

I think you have to take on board what he is saying in these emails , do you really want to be married to someone who has this shit opinion of you ? And as for " drink myself into oblivion " , he sounds like someone who is happy to blame others for the choices he makes . No doubt his family will blame you for his drinking .

I wouldnt have him sleeping in my bed and i wouldnt continue to play happy familys with him. Does he ever say these things to you or is he two faced ?

[crimsonpetal]

I have done Not sure if it's totally healthy though, I think wanting to check someone's messages means you are already suspicious. However I am very cynical, so it's not a stretch for me.

[WriterofDreams]

I agree with the others, the issue isn't with his family at all. If I said mean things about my DH to my family they'd naturally take my side and turn against him, it's normal.

Has DH brought up any of these issues with you? Or is he fine to your face and then complaining behind your back? Is there any truth in what he says?

Just to play devil's advocate for the moment - could it be that your DH is genuinely unhappy with your relationship and needs to confide in his family? I don't think he's right to say what he said as you have to have a relationship with his family and it puts you in a very awkward position. BUT - if your DH genuinely feels these things then maybe he needs to talk and he has unwisely chosen to talk to his sister. If a woman came on to MN feeling concerned that her DH had changed her and that she had become a doormat, we would encourage her to talk to someone in real life, which is what your DH has done.

I think if I found a similar email from my DH I'd be incredibly hurt and worried. But seeing as you can't mention the email itself I would then feel sad that my DH felt this way and I would feel compelled to address it. You don't have to mention the email but I think if your DH genuinely feels this way then you need to talk about it otherwise I would be worried that your relationship will break down.

[peeweewee]

I have checked messages too - not in my healthiest of moments. I don't think this is worth leaving him over - obviously there is stuff that needs to be sorted but you have a marriage and it deserves this effort.

Don't play games by not having him sleep in your bed I'd say - face it like an adult, instigate the talk - aim for cooperation rather than confrontation.

Good luck

[WriterofDreams]

BTW if you don't think your DH genuinely feels this way, and is just shit-stirring to get the sympathy of his sister then that is way way way out of order and totally disrepectful to you. You would have to question in that case what his motives are.

[dignified]

Toast , hes not in a position to be furious , your the one who should be furious . You say the only problems you have are to do with his family , you are mistaken . If he wasnt saying these things to his family he would be saying it to someone else , because that is his opinion of you and your marriage.

You need to look at the bigger picture here , there is no respect from him , an attempt to manipulate his family into disliking you and a lack of support for you , the target of these lies .

What does this mean for your three young children when dads family are shit to mum ? You say your upset to see hes my ex , i couldnt be more pleased , having a marriage where your so called partner is slagging you off behind your back isnt a marriage at all.

[crimsonpetal]

We are making a big assumption here that toast has done nothing that warrants him saying these things, but maybe that's not the case? Toast, being honest, do you think there is any truth in what he says?

[WriterofDreams]

Dignified, to be fair, we don't know that what her DH wrote was actually truthful or not. If a woman came on here saying her husband turned her into a doormat, she wrote her sister an email about it, the husband read it and blew up over it, wouldn't we all be saying good god woman get out of that relationship? So why are we assuming that the OP is in the right? Her DH is unhappy and she violated his privacy, so it's not a fair assumption to make. BTW OP I don't know the full situation so I'm not saying you ARE in the wrong.

He is entitled to talk to other people about how he is feeling, just as we all are. He has been clumsy and inconsiderate to talk to his sister about it but perhaps he has no one else to talk to.

[peeweewee]

dignified are you sure that your reaction isn't tainted by your own experience? I'm not saying that he is acting like a good husband, but your language is quite strong

[DuelingFanjo]

"not surprising really as DH paints the picture that way"

He sounds really awful.

[DuelingFanjo]

And, no I don't read my DH's texts and emails.

Do you think that he has any justification to say these things to his family? What is your relationship like and would some kind of counselling help you both?

[dignified]

Writer , id normally agree with you , we,re all entitled to a whinge after all , but Toast says this situation has been going on for years , starting with the twin bad mouthing her 15 years ago.

Her dh should have stamped this out at the time , ensuring twin butts out and making sure the family treat Toast with kindness and respect . Hes clearly not done this , and worse , now seems to be fuelling their dislike of her with self pitying emails.

[Unprune]

I don't read dh's texts or emails.
He sounds as unhappy as you do.

[Quattrocento]

I have never opened a letter addressed to DH, read his emails or checked his texts. Think it is bang out of order - total violation of privacy and trust.

But I suspect you've done this because you know something is very wrong. It's born out of insecurity. It sounds as though your DH is very unhappy. The email sounds as though your DH thinks you are volatile/fiery. You need to address the issues with him. I really think that relationship counselling would help. Either you both want to move forward together or you don't. If I were you, I'd sit your DH down, tell him you sense he is unhappy, you love him, you want to put things right, and you think that counselling is the right approach.

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Crimsonpetal you are right to point that out. I definitely recognise that I am no angel, I don't believe anyone is. However I respect my husband enough to keep the personal aspects of our relationship private. I do speak to my sisters but I would be furious if they spoke out of turn about him. Does that make sense?

I see the problems we are having in our marriage as short term. They arise from lack of sleep (with three little children) and money worries (I have just started studying with a view to getting a job when the DC are at school). That is until his family start stirring things up. We live in London and my DH is desperate to move to the country. I am London born and bred and really do not want to go. I will however move if that is what is best for the family. I am not about to start the ball rolling though and DH is resentful of this and thinks I am dragging my heels.

I do think my DH distorts the truth somewhat when talking about me and the situation to his family. They have never liked me and will never see things from my p.o.v. Similarly (sp?!) my mum things DH is out of order to drag me to the countryside but I have to remind her it is not just about me.

I really don't think I have done anything to warrant my DH's disloyalty. I think he is frustrated and unhappy and I seem to bear the brunt.

[dignified]

Peewee , its quite possible . However i would say the same if Toast was writing the same about a freind , or a colleauge .

Most of us have the odd whinge , but isnt the rule that while we can moan and complain about our partners , our freinds and family dont join in ( like toasts family ) ? Dont we also tend to play things down even if there are real problems as despite everything , we want our familys to get on with , and like our partners ?

I would go mad if my family treated my partner like that .

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Dignified you are spot on. This should have been stamped out 15 years ago. My DH just tries to please everyone (or so I thought).

Quattrocento, if I was reading this about someone else I too would say I was bang out of order. I just feel so paranoid. I can't stop myself.

[chandra]

I read something like that from my exh to his sister (after he asked me to check his email as we were awaiting for some confirmation of something totally unrelated).

His family had always being very abusive and a few weeks earlier I had to lock myself and then baby DS in his mother's bathroom after she flew out of the handle because we, or in then H' words, I disagreed on her taking decisions about our son. She was shouting and banging the door like a mad woman while he was crying behind her.

I guess the email only confirmed what I already knew... no matter how much he said he loved me, that he was there for me, that he would do whatever for me... he was backstabbing me not to loose face in front of his family, and making the situation worse for me than it already was.

I never could see him in the same way after that. I tried to save the marriage for DS, for the good old times, for fear to the changes, but to be honest, that was the day, my marriage ended, even when it took me another three years to break free.

[megapixels]

Hi toastandmarmiterocks, my dh was like this in the beginning of our marriage. It is completely due to the fact that you and your in-laws don't like each other, I think it triggers a defence mechanism in the dh and he feels that he has to bad mouth you to be close to his side of the family. I know it's hard, but can you just not read his stuff and not think about how he's representing you to his family? Just tell yourself that you don't care and don't think about it, and soon you'll start to see that your life is much better because of it. Don't criticise or even bring up anything about the ILs at all.

That's what I did, and things are very different with dh now. I think when the dh feels that he is not being torn apart by both sides' dislike of each other he will not do what he is doing. It is very very hard to put up with disloyalty from your dh, and you shouldn't have to really, but this is a way that the change can come from him.

[wildstrawberryplace]

I don't read DH's stuff, but neither do I think OP is "bang out of order" for doing so in this situation.

Email in question is highly disloyal and self pitying, and it would still be if it were the other way round and it was the woman writing tbh.

Sounds like the H is pouring fuel on the fire and keeping this resentment going for reasons of his own.

Frankly, if my DH was having conversations like that with his family about me I would be seriously rethinking my relationship with a view to ending it.

[peeweewee]

I still say aim for cooperation and not confrontation. Tell him that it hurts you when you feel he doesn't support you wrt his family - that you'd like a marriage where you both support each other and are loyal to each other above everyone else, including family etc - and find out if that's what he wants too and how much he is prepared to change to get it.

[peeweewee]

sorry x posted