What would you do?

[ellesbelles79]

Sorry for long message...Im just sick of crying and staring at walls searching for the answers...

Im 19wks pg with 1st baby and live with my partner of 5years. We are happy but dont see each other much due to his long working hours (he is a chef) so Im often on my own at home etc.

He has been moaning loads about work, how much he hates the hours etc & keeps saying he wants to go abroad. His sister married a very well off architect & she moved to Mozambique 2yrs ago to be with him as he has a major contract out there. They've had some kids & seem happy. Also, their mother went to go and live with them so she wouldnt be alone & could live comfortably. So, yes you've guessed it - he wants to go there!!

I agreed with him before I was preg that I would go there on holiday to see what it was like but I wasnt going to commit to the idea. He said that was fine & that if I didnt like it, we just wouldnt go. But now he is really putting the pressure on - moaning about England and saying we could live like kings over there instead & lead a good life with sun, good food etc.

He has even gone so far to say this week that he "is going, no matter what and its up to me if I go or stay"...which is not nice to hear when you are pregnant!! Also, he has already seemed to discuss/make plans with this sister about what we can do when we are there. She has a business and its already in their mind that "when" we go I would work with/for her! Why are they planning my life for me???? Why are they making decisions without even consulting me or asking what I want to do...because TBH moving to Mozambique is not in my life plan! Never was, probably never will be!

Im so upset about it all and the prospect that he might just up and leave anyway & I would be here "holding the baby"

I have a good job here myself, have family here that I would miss & I just wonder what can I do? I've said to him in tears that this is not the time to be thinking of these things, that we need to have the baby & get our lives in order...

Also, I pay all the bills - mortgage, water, electric, c-tax , food - EVERYTHING! he moans about the fact that he cant live like a king here but the financial support he gives me is zero! I ask him what he does with his wage but he fobs me off & says "thats not the point" and "Im sick of working for other people".

In some ways I feel like seeing what happens & if he wants to go I will just let him. I am 99% sure that I would not want to go...go and do what there??? I cant even speak the lingo so what good can it be!

Im so stressed & constantly headachey, tearful because I feel like I have been put in such a terrible position!

Interested to see what you think....

[cestlavielife]

well go there on holiday first -you cannot say one way or the other without hard facts.

if pregnancy is fine you could go now for couple weeks then have time to consider .

[gingerwig]

don't make a decision either way while pregnant.
Can you communicate this to him, that pregnancy is not the time to consider massive life changes.


However the biggest issue I see in your post is not whether to emigrate, it's the fact he does not contribute financially to the household - have I got that right?

[IUsedToBeFab]

Why does the father of your baby not contribute financially in any way?

[Plumm]

I'd be more worried about the lack of financial contribution than a possible move abroad.

[ellesbelles79]

Thanks ladies

cestlavielife i will definitely at least go on holiday but when the babe is born & old enough to travel. TBH im hoping that he might stop moaning and change his mind about the idea if I try and stall the trip!

gingerwig yes I understand that the zero assistance is a big deal too & Im trying to work on that. He did have some debts so I know he was paying those off & he is now working 14hr days to save for the baby so I think he does realise he needs to help financially. He is really happy about the baby and incredibly excited so Im sure he will step up to the plate where cash is concerned.

I've told him not to keep moaning about things, thinking the grass is greener because he hasnt thought it through properly. Its also very stressful for me to feel pressurised like this.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

you pay for everything?

there's a word for that and in a minute AnyFucker will be here to tell you what it is!

Of couse, we have only your brief OP to go on, so we don't know the full situation, the ins and outs etc etc...

but from what you've posted, I fail to see where you'd be any worse off without him.

He is living for free while muggins (that's you btw) pays his way in life.

He has decided you ARE going to move country and if you don't, he will leave you and his baby. (gosh, he's a keeper )

He is planning your job over there - so he can keep you working and earning all the money to pay for 'living like kings' while he carries on freeloading?

I think that really what you need to be thinking is whether he's worth keeping, not whether you should move to another country with him!

[msboogie]

I think I would let him go in your shoes - see him off with a breezy wave! you'll not be missing much will you? he's a cocklodger.

[spikeycow]

Oh God. What a ball and chain he sounds.

[whenallelsefailsmaketea]

Hi ellesbelles

First lots of sympathy for you at a time when you should be excited about your baby and feeling cherished and looked after as you approach a huge milestone in life. This isn't what you would choose to be worrying about I am sure.

Is your partner a bit freaked out by the responsibility he ought to be taking on to look after you and the baby and provide for you both while you are on ML?
Does he welcome this next stage of life or is he a bit selfish and immature and does not want his life to change despite the huge upheaval you are about to go through?
A mad plan to escape to Mozambique sounds like an evasion tactic to distract him from the real issues he is facing.

It seems there are several conversations to be had here:

1. Why is he being a parasite and not contributing to the household?
   
2. How does he think he is going to support you and the baby emotionally and practically when it arrives in 5 months?
   
3. Does he really think moving to a developing country with a pregnant or newly delivered girlfriend is realistic? Has he considered health care, education and other major issues involved as well as your support network. I suspect not.
   

It sounds as though all you need to do is sit tight at home and ask him some of these questions and see how he responds. That will tell you where his priorities lie and if you and the baby are not No 1 and No 2 then you will know what to do.

Good luck and I hope all goes well for you all

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Miss Hecate, Miss Hecate, I know what the word is!


OP, what are his good points?

[SheWillBeLoved]

You don't want to go, so you need to tell him. Telling him this will take a big weight off, but while he thinks that you may go he will keep whacking on the pressure.

If you go, you'll resent him forever for it. It's a horrible feeling I know, my ex was forever banging on about moving abroad much for the same reasons as your DP, whereas the idea horrified me but I felt that to say no would shatter his dreams (never mind mine eh!)

It's a huge life changing decision, that you both need to 100% be behind for it to ever work, and if you aren't, then it's doomed already.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Let him go, you will be so much better off without him. The laast thing you want is to be stranded at the other end of the world with a man who is bound to turn abusive when he gets you there - he will have you working for his sister, doing all the domestic work and childcare and forbidden to leave the house or speak to anyone.

[msboogie]

seriously, this freeloader has arranged for you to emigrate and has set you up with a job in a country that you don't want to live in so that you can keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed? I'm guessing there'll be no call for chefs or some such nonsense and it'll be all down to you to make sure he lives like a king??

[SheWillBeLoved]

Oh, and I agree that you'd be no worse off without him if he decided to fuck off and leave you and his child. The very fact that he even suggested he would do this would have had me booking him a one way ticket to 'paradise'.

[NotWoozy]

You say he is working 14 hour days and saving for the baby. Have you seen a bank/post office statement showing the many thousands of pounds he must surely have saved by now?
Or is he planning on presenting you and baby with a cheque in the delivery room?
Where is the proof he is saving all his money?

[ellesbelles79]

whenallelsefails - thank you ? you are (all) completely right and he does indeed need to start contributing. I have let him get away with it for far too long but when I found out I was pg, I had a very long talk with him about how things would need to change. He agreed and to cut him some slack, he has been working extra long hours. I haven?t SEEN any cash yet, but Im hopeful that when it comes to kitting out the nursery etc he is going to whip out his credit card for me!! Im not holding my breath but I've got to have some faith, right??

I said to him he hasnt thought it through - how can we raise our child there?? I want my family around me & I dont want to be in some alien land with no friends/family.

I myself see that I would be no worse without him if he did go - he is not adding value right now. So I will see how it goes & if he wants to go....I will help him pack. Im a strong person deep down & know I could survive. Im not the sort of woman that needs a man in her life as I have other interests etc and things I could do. I just dont like being put in this position when Im pregnant and feel that this is not nice for my baby at all...how will they feel when they realise daddy has abandoned them for some ridiculous pipe dream!

Honestly notwoozy...I've seen nothing but am hoping for a miracle! Maybe when he sees baby at 20wk scan next week he will pull his finger out...he needs to otherwise he will need to look for another mug.

[pearlsandtwinset]

Have not had time to read all posts, so sorry if this is a repeat. I used to live in Africa and before you go, even on holiday or to check out please review what diseases there are. For instance, you cannot protect against malaria etc. whilst pregnant and following this with a small baby. Of course those that live in Africa face this every day but you do have more of a choice. Also, there will be some regions that are significantly more risky than others.

Secondly, and probably more importantly, just because it is cheap does not mean you will 'live like kings there'. Common mistake. In fact you will earn local salary and far less likely to be able to come home which sounds like it might be important to you.

I've got lots of other advice about living in Africa...but post would be too long. Let me know if you have any specific questions.

[perfumedlife]

God, you should be nesting and getting ready for the new arrival, turning your house into a cosy home. He should be handing in the overtime money and taking you out to look at nursery things of a sunday.

Instead, you get all this emotional blackmail, threats of being left, and you pay for the privelege

Get rid pet, you will be no worse off, thats for sure. If it were me, I would tell him to lose the fantasy, face reality or ship out. Fast.

By the way, stress in prefnancy creates huge amounts of cortisol flooding baby's brain. Not good for the baby or their temprament and not good for mum. He really is a peach.

[perfumedlife]

pregnancy, sorry

But many congratulations on your pregnancy. Please talk to your family or good friends.

[NotWoozy]

Elles, I am very interested in the money side! Just being nosey.
A separate postoffice savings account in your name could be set up and he could contribute to that, even just £10 a week for now would suffice.
His reaction to that suggestion may tell you all you need to know about long term prospects.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

Well, I don't think £10 would suffice, really, it cost a lot of money to live these days and he should be putting £100's into the pot, if not £1,000 even if he is paying back debts. I think you know that you have done the wrong thing in paying for everything for five years. He does have to start paying (and saying 'that's not the point' when it clearly is the point is taking you nowhere).

I also agree that a) you don't want to move there, so that's that and b) what on earth are his family doing organizing your life. It does rather sound like he's arranging for you to keep earning rather than providing money himself, what if you fancied being a stay at home mum. I feel really sad for you, as I can tell you are happy about the baby and love him, but moving to Africa when you don't want to just isn't an option for you. You need to be very straight with him, and if he goes, he goes. I have a feeling that he won't.

[overmydeadbody]

Elles you need to get out of this relationship now.


He's taking you for a ride. He is spending all the money he earns, you'll never see a penny of it.


Please don't be a mug any more. He won't change. He doesn't even care about you and he's not a responsible adult.

[Mindovermatter]

Elles - pretty soon the decision in the short term will be taken out of your hands anyway coz your not allowed to fly when you are so many weeks pregnant!! ( Think it may be 22 weeks pregnant?).

Just out of interest has your partner been to any scans or appointments with you? Im guessing you will have your 20 week scan next week??!! Im thinking if your partner sees scan with you it may put focus back on you and baby.

How bad are his debts?? I think this needs addressing in order to make him have reality check. There are options for peopl in debt, debt agencies that can help, have you discussed this with him. The debts would still be there even if he goes abroad.

[BaggedandTagged]

you can fly until 36 weeks but as other posters have mentioned, Mozambique prob not a great idea due to vacc recommendations and the fact that it's malarial.

Also, if you go now, can you afford western std healthcare? I think your partner is basing his expectations on those of his BIL who is prob on an expat salary and therefore really rich by local stds- that's what makes these overseas placements worth doing. I'd be surprised if a chef would be able to command the same as there are plenty of those available locally. Similarly, if you're going to work in a family business, are they going to pay you an expat salary?

I think this is totally the wrong time to even be considering this move.

[mathanxiety]

He doesn't contribute financially.
He thinks of you as baggage to take to the other side of the world.
He fancies himself as a king.
He misses his mummy.
He doesn't contribute financially to your household.
He is never around.
His net contribution to your life is complications, problems, pressure, emotional blackmail and a baby to take care of (by the looks of things this will be on your own, btw, whether in Mozambique or the UK)

He will be happy in Mozambique (living like a king) and you will be far happier with him gone. Pack his bags if it isn't too much physical strain for you. Otherwise, make him do it himself, soon.

Mozambique is a shitty place. US State Dept assessment of personal safety -- "The security situation in Mozambique requires caution. Street crime and carjackings in urban areas occur frequently. Road travel can be hazardous and should not be undertaken after daylight hours. The abundance of weapons remaining from the country's civil war and the lack of well-trained, equipped, and motivated law enforcement officers all contribute to a serious crime situation.

Additionally, several hundred thousand mines were planted throughout Mozambique during the last three decades of conflict. Although mine clearing operations are underway, surface travel off main highways should be approached with caution."

And then there's this: "I understand that the zero assistance is a big deal too & Im trying to work on that. He did have some debts so I know he was paying those off & he is now working 14hr days to save for the baby so I think he does realise he needs to help financially. He is really happy about the baby and incredibly excited so Im sure he will step up to the plate where cash is concerned."
Living in cuckoo-cloudland while your feet are still on UK soil is one thing (it is not a desirable state of affairs by a long shot) but hoping, as you seem to be hoping, that it will all magically come right in the end when the baby is born is as bad as your DP's 'grass is greener in Mozambique' idea.

The time for this man to step up to the plate has long passed. You are effectively on your own right now, Ellesbelles. He is not 'with' you at all. He might as well be in Timbuktu.