Practical side of splitting

[imregular]

Does anyone have a list of the practical things to think about in a split. Not there yet, but I need to get myself lined up as I am thinking about doing it more and more

I am totally feckless on the money side - so that't the first thing I need to get on top of - income, outgoings, what money is going where, savings and making sure I have access, possibly putting a bit as back up somewhere in my own name...

Got a mortgage, car each, kids (obviously)...

[imregular]

anyone?

[ilovewoody]

Will you stay in the family home? I would write down all of the incomings and outgoings every month as you will need to make sure you have, or are given enough to cover all the essentials.

Do you have any money of your own any where? Make sure it is in a safe place that your partner cant get a hold of it?

Most importantly I would confide in someone. You will need a friend or family member on your side and avaiable to help you out. I left DH 5 weeks ago and wouldnt have survived if it wasnt for my friends and family.

Good luck

[imregular]

Not sure where I would stay. Ideally I'd stay in the family home. DH is unemployed currently, I'm still on Mat leave from NHS til December.

Problem is I honestly think DH would say he is not leaving if I ended it and told him that he had to move out... What do you do about that? Am I in a strong position due to being the only earner? I couldn't move to my mums house as she is about 30 miles away (kids at school/daycare in our village)

I feel too proud to tell family or friends - I know that is crazy. But I feel like a big failure. Truth be told, I am still hoping things will miraculously work out. But I have seen loads of times on here that it is important to mean what you say - so I want to know that I could survive on my own before actually giving any kind of ultimatum to DH

Not got any money that only I can get (suppose that is where friends/family could hold it - we've kinda evolved into DH managing the finances (I was really stressed last baby and it was seriously getting on top of me. Was a big relief to let that all go - I realise now that was not a great idea). He knows all my passwords etc, so even if I changed wages to own account, he could see/access. He'd see me tranfering any money out now

[ilovewoody]

I understand how you feel about telling other people. I am a very private person and dont ever tell anyone how I feel but I couldnt have done it alone. I still feel ashamed now telling people but you really need someone on your side.

I suppose he could insist on staying in the home but it would get progressively difficult for him to do that. He may be entitled to housing if he is unemployed

Even if you dont start moving money or wages into other accounts at the moment, at least start working on a plan. When the time comes you have a plan for what you need to do, change passwords etc. If you no longer want to be with him he will become responsible for looking after himself. He will need to get his act together and start fending for himself.

If its what you really want to do then you will find a way. But please dont do it alone. If your family and friends are anything like mine they will be angry that you didnt confide in them sooner

[silveryfox]

I'm in the process of trying to get my husband to believe that I want to leave, and he too refuses to be the one to move out as he says its my choice to split so why should he be inconvenienced? Another thing is that to hurt me he keeps saying that he will probably drag me through the courts to get custody of our baby boy, and so by staying in the house I think he thinks he'll be in a stronger position as its the only home the baby has known.

One piece of advice I have been given in the past is a way to withdraw money without it showing in detail when he logs into our account is to ask for cash back at the supermarket.

So if you do a shop that comes to £30 on one day then at the check out ask for say £50 cashback all it will show is that you've spent £80 in the supermarket. I know thats not a huge sum but if you do it carefully over a period of time you can build up a small amount and you can put it in an account that you can open and he doesn't need to know about it.

It could pay for a man with a van if you need it, or a couple of appts with your solicitor, etc. Bit sneaky I know.... but.... I'm in your position in that my husband handles the money in our house and it means he can always see whats happening with the money in our account.

Hope that helps a little...

[imregular]

thanks for this silvery. Going to start doing that asap. A good while away from getting any guts together to do something. I need to get into a stronger position first...

[silveryfox]

yes - absolutely right! I wasn't planning on doing it right now - I'm recovering from an operation at the moment but unfortuntely he forced my hand last Friday night and so it all came out then even though I wasn't ready yet. He's in denial - so I don't know what your husband's reaction will be when you end up telling him.

I can't believe mine has just rung me up from work and ended the conversation by telling me he loved me and would be home soon! Gah! In denial! I just couldnt believe it - after what we#ve been talking about all weekend - all I could say was OK.... I jsut couldn't be bothered to get into it there and then on the phone!

I on the other hand have already sorted out working tax credits/child tax credits, worked out a budget on how I'm going to live when I leave, etc.

Oh well .... I also need to get going with the cash back thing, cos its not easy thinking of going it alone. Have you read my thread on the relationship board? Lots of good advice and support I've been getting on there. The number for the tax credits helpline is: 01355 359007 They were really helpful and didn't mind when I got a bit emotional - cos its a scary thing talking about going it alone!

[imregular]

Have read your thread silverfox. Great advice. Gotta love mumsnet

[silveryfox]

yes - as I said its kept me going since I told him. Although this whole denial thing is making me feel quite low right now - feels like I'm going to have to have exactly the same conversation with him all over again - and for him to be baffled and say "but I thought we were getting on so well...." queue sad puppy face.... So I get what you say about wanting to be in a stronger position, but I don't think there will ever be a "good" time to do it. Are you waiting for the right time? When will that be? Maybe we could support each other? What do you think? Spk soon. SF

[imregular]

I'm still not 100% sure I want to end it tbh. If I am honest, I haven't tried much, neither has he though, we've just been coasting along. First step is to see if things can get better - I have told him that various things he has been doiing are making me stop loving him. I think he got it, but then thought he got it last time I hinted.

I'm really not ready to break up the family at the minute, but have thought about it more and more. I want to know that I could manage so that I don't feel so powerless. So I feel like I am choosing to be here iyswim. Until such times that I can put my hand on heart and say that I tried, really tried to make this work, I'm going to stay. Would love to support each other. It's torture. I hope to feel more settled/resolved soon

[gennyl]

Silveryfox and imregular how are things going?
Just reading this post and am in such a similar situation. The difference is I am in control of our finances - the thought of my husband doing that is laughable....he can't even pay his mobile bill on time. My parents paid for half our house though so I'm too scared to split from my husband as nothing is in writing so it would all be 50/50.

Our son is nearly 3 and although we dont have arguements in front of him he is picking up on it and I can see its effecting him. I have always said to myself I will stick it out if my son isnt affected but now he is.

My husband knows exactly how I feel but seems in total denial, says love you when walks out the door or on the phone and tries to cuddle up in bed and seems surprised when I push him away.

I have a disability and am in some degree of constant back/hip pain and all I ask for is some help from my husband when he's at home. Its now at the stage where I pick fights over the smallest of things and cant bear even the smell of him around me.

Really dont know what to do so wondered how it worked for you guys.

Lynne

[BlackWhitePlaid]

Hi- i am in sort of a similar situation- things are by no means certain either way but it is fairly likely to go the divorce route. I too have to sort out the finances part of it. I definitely will be following this thread!

i feel poised on the brink of the abyss and that things will get far far worse before they get (hopefully) better. let's support each other please, no matter how it goes with each of us.

PS: The cashback plan is sheer brilliance.

[needtostaystrong]

Another one in a similar position.

After yet another row, I have told DP that I have had enough and that I mean it this time. He is away for the night but I know he will come back tomorrow and act like nothing has happened.

I need to stay strong this time, if not for my sake than for DS's. He's two in feb so hasn;t really picked up on the dreadful atmosphere between us most of the time, but I know it is only a matter of time before he does. I keep thinking that if I do it now, he wont know anything different, I just can't bear the thought of doing it to him when he 4 or five years old.

I am so scared though so would love to have others in the same position to chat to about it.

[domeafavour]

I doing it now, ds is 3. Please please do it earlier rather than later. I so wish ihad done it a year ago. Ds asks for him now and it's so much harder than it wound have been a year ago when he wouldn't have cared.

[MrsBonkers]

Hi all.
I feel like I want to leave. Its only the practicalities holding me back, so watching this thread for advice.
I'm on Maternity leave with DD1. Unlikely to be able to go back to work whether I stay or not so really confused about the money side of things. Thankfully have a fair amount of equity in the house.

Selling up and going our separate ways seems so difficult, but so does staying.

Just don't want to wake up in 30 years time and realise I've wasted my life.

[MrsBonkers]

SF Sounds like you had a shit Xmas :(
You're right, I'm in an okay position as my OH is a lovely guy so there is no pressure to leave before I'm ready- I just feel dead inside. Also I stay because I don't want to hurt him. Is that a good enough reason though?
I feel like such a cow for wanting to break up our family, but there has to be more to life than this....

[Imregular]

Hey girls. I'm here, just that things have got a bit better. Had it out with him back in November. It's a lot better now. I go between feelin like a big rubbish waste of space and thinking that things are fine.

It does ring warning bells thinking bout waking up in 30 years and it still being the same. But, well things are fine right now. I think I am depressed or summit coz the only thing that makes me feel joy these days is my children.

I have so much respect for you both for really meaning it when you say it. I feel like a fraud now that I am still here and just don't have the energy to even be clear on whether I could manage on my own.

I will be keeping in touch. silverfox, keep going. You will get there. Big hugs

[pickgo]

Squirrelling away even a few hundred quid will help you feel better.

Also go to Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on your rights to staying in your house. Don't forget if there is any question of feeling scared for your/DCs safety then you can change the locks and call the police if there is any trouble. Women's Aid provide good advice on this.

Make sure you've got all the documents - mortgage statement, marriage/birth certificates, pay slips, passports etc.

Cancel any joint credit cards and empty joint accounts before you leave/tell him to go. Sounds harsh but there are so many women on here that are surprised when it's the first thing their H/P does - get in first.

Tax credit were great when I left - processed claim and paid in under a week.

If renting you can claim housing benefit (might take a bit longer).

Don't forget to tell council tax too as you get a discount if living as only adult.

Ignore threats about applying for custody of children, they won't happen, it's just a way of trying to intimidate you.

Try not to worry about coping on your own. I was a lot, but it's been really great since I went and I feel a hundred times happier. So many of the things I worried about haven't happened. It's just been a huge relief to escape and have peace of mind again.

[outthere]

Hi all,

Another one in a very similar situation. I'm not sure if I want my marriage to continue but I also don't want it to be my choice. I actually WISH he would go and have an affair so it's not all "my fault" as it feels at the moment.

We've just agreed to go to counselling together but I really can't see that it'll help because I just feel that something fundamental inside of me has changed and I'm not sure if I love him any more.

It would break my heart to tell him that though It also breaks my heart to think what all this will do to my two young boys (both under four]...

Just not sure what to do... what if I leave and bitterly regret it?

[butterflybee]

Thanks for bumping this.. I'm another in the same position and it's been really good to read other people's experiences and suggestions.

[OADCB]

One piece of advice I can offer is make sure child benefit is in your name as often it caused major delays with benefits if it's not

If any of you are in a violence/ controlling situation look at womens aid website but follow privacy settings advice

[butterflybee]

Child benefit is not in my name. Do you know if they need to talk to him to change that?