how do you deal with PIL constant criticism?

[happygilmore]

DD is only a few weeks old but this is already starting to get on mine and DH's nerves!!

I knew that when we had children you have to develop a thick skin but it's so relentless when we see the PIL. It feels like we're defending every parenting decision we make for the whole time they're here and it feels exhausting and unnecessary. We're fairly relaxed parents so it's not that we're taking their comments to heart, it's just so bloody irritating being questioned over every little thing, and as she's so small still I fear that it'll get worse as she gets older!

For instance - we're constantly criticised for over feeding her, rushing to console her too much, worrying too much, changing her nappy when we should just leave her, covering her pram in the sun etc etc. I completely appreciate that they did it differently (fair enough) but still they go on and on - every time we pick a bottle up to feed her, for instance, they start with - "surely you're not feeding her again", "she can't possibly be hungry", etc etc

The jokey brush it aside comment doesn't seem to work, I've tried ignoring but they still continue. DH has said several times that we're just doing our best but they still continue.

Would be good to hear others' experiences/tips!

[Aethel]

The best thing you can do is present a united front with your DH, which it sounds as if you are. Never let it get between you!

Jokey comments might need more effort!

Play bingo with their comments, and see who can get the most silly reply out first. If they say that in their day they did blah de blah you could reply with an incredulous 'really? how odd!' or you could play 'top that' and see who can be the most outragious, eg if they say dont use sun tan lotion on babies its not necessary reply that you will be using lard etc. If they say you are over feeding the baby tell them she had puree steak and stilton yesterday and your planning to give her two boiled eggs for tea. If they say you are cossetting her reply that actually you are co-sleeping and planning on erecting a yurt in the garden for a genuine experience.

Have fun and they will eventually give up!

[AncientStarlight]

If they don't get the message with the jokey comments, you may have to be blunt. I had this, and in the end just told them 'It's my child, my choice on how to parent.' I am a stroppy cow, though.

Congratulations on your DD, sounds like you're doing ok.

[MorningTownRide]

Luckily my PILs live a looooong way away.

I've had snidey questions about why I didn't breastfeed longer, that I've damaged my daughter by working, sarcasm because I wouldn't give 2 yo Coke. Nothing mind blowingly awful just constant niggles when we see them.

FIL gets bored and likes to chuck in reaaally nasty comments and used to love it when I reacted. Now I nod and smile and ignore.

Aethel is right. United front with DH. Smile and nod. Just say 'thanks, that's sooo helpful' in your brightest, breeziest voice and carry on with what you're doing.

Goo luck!

[MorningTownRide]

Goo luck oh er. It's been a long day

[mogglemoo]

I have has this problem with my MIL, in particular, over the last 18 years we have been together.

When first married, I wasn't feeding him (DH) properly or doing his washing correctly (despite almost having an OCD obsession with laundry!).

My reply- 'I'm the wife, now.'

When DD1 was born I chose not to breastfeed and we made decisions about her which, obviously, MIL didn't agree with.

My reply- 'I'm the mum.'

It did take a few goes for it to sink in, though. The united front with both backing one another up verbally if PILs are there also is a good way forward. It shows MIL that you have discussed how you want to parent your child(ren)- that bit surprised my MIL!- and also never criticise each other in front of them.

PILs- who would have them?

[happygilmore]

It's weird isn't it? I wouldn't dream of commenting on anyone else's parenting, certainly not criticising it pretty much continually!

What's strange though is I don't think they have any real idea they do it, I think if we asked them they would think they were very supportive

[Igglybuff]

Sounds like my ILs!

DH was brilliant and basically told them off every time they made silly comments. I also made a few sarky remarks.

I also spent a lot of time explaining why I do it this way (I got the "he can't be hungry" comments all the time etc).

I genuinely think that they couldn't remember what it's like to have a newborn and offer advice on how it should be done (according to them) as opposed to how they really did it. For example, my MIL talked about controlled crying etc etc but let slip that her boys were waking in the night to get in to the parents bed past toddlerdom.

[Pancakeflipper]

Oh gosh.. my MIL was comparision crazy with and I had to sit her down and inform her to stop it or I wouldn't be inviting her to our house or answering her phonecalls anymore.

Over all it worked. There is the odd remark and I put my fingers in my ears and go " yah yah yahhhh". We then hug and I tell her I love her and we continue along.

[happygilmore]

Yep have tried the explaining things but it makes no odds, particularly to FIL. It doesn't help that they're completely obsessed by weight - they think by feeding her so much we're setting her up for a lifetime of obesity...

Apparently it was a good thing she didn't weigh a lot when she was born as she's less likely to be fat when she's older too

[Igglybuff]

happy your FIL sounds EXACTLY like mine - especially the weight thing. DS was a bigun (9,4) whilst their family were all titches. DS was bigger at 6 months than DH's sister at 1..

They kept making funny remarks about his weight so DH took them to one side and told them they were upsetting me. Which worked to some degree. However FIL is a bit of a loon - telling his 9 year old grand daughter not to eat too much bread as she had to think of her figure Her mum said nothing!!!!

Basically smile sweetly and just carry on doing what you're doing. I started saying things like it's nice to have a big healthy baby, the HVs say he's doing well etc etc.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

I think most parents and PIL take it as indirect criticism when you don't parent exactly like they did.

Obviously we are a lot more child centred now and there is a lot of scientific research to back up a more hands on approach to babies and young children now ie more affection, don't leave to cry, feed on demand etc.

I know that any time I didn't take their "advice" they got very cats bum mouth about it and my Mum especially took it very personally.

Honestly it is their problem not yours and it won't end here, Oh No, whenever your dc tantrum in the future it will be because you were too soft on them and made a rod for your own back blah blah blah, develop a thick skin, you are going to need it .

[Igglybuff]

It's funny because my mum is quite relaxed and doesn't take offense at all. That may reflect her parenting style though

[happygilmore]

Shimmery you are right I'm sure, I know it'll get worse as she gets older!!

MIL has been better than FIL actually, I think his problem is that he doesn't remember what babies are like (many years passed and wasn't really a hands on dad at all) so thinks it's abnormal to feed a lot, crying is manipulative etc etc

No way we're going to educate him (can't be arsed anyway) but god it grates after a bit! My main worry is that they'll give her a complex about weight, they're so obsessed it's unreal. Will have to watch that one I think. Can't belive Iggly what your FIL said!

[Igglybuff]

he also told me I ate like a horse when pregnant and after having DS

[happygilmore]

lovely!

[ChocolateMoose]

DH and I are seeing his parents soon and since we last saw them, apparently MIL has been going on to the rest of the family about how DS isn't sleeping because we aren't feeding him properly. When we last saw them he was 9 months and not on 3 meals of solids a day. And yes, he doesn't sleep through at 11 months, but so what?

So this time she's supposed to be babysitting one evening and it's going to be a nightmare as he's bound to wake up and then we will get sooo much grief about it. Doesn't help that the latest grandchild is a perfect sleeper at a couple of months old.

[Igglybuff]

chocolate maybe you should just lie Or say that he's teething/ill/etc to explain any wakings... Which is what it probably is.

I'm seeing the ILs tomorrow and will probably mention DS's latest night wakings (not settling at 2am for an hour...) just to provoke a reaction as I'm in that kind of mood.

[OneTwoBuckleMyShoe]

My PIL have been fab with my parenting of DD but my DH's grandmother is another story. i love her to bits but boy she comes out with some weird ones. We got told off when we had that sorching hot weather for only having DD in a nappy (she hates being over hot and gets heat rash very quickly) and GMIL started saying how she needed a cardi and tights on or she will catch her death [hmmm]

This is also the woman who told us our cats will suck the breath out of DD and when was I going to stop this nonsense of breastfeeding and give her some formula or as she put it "proper milk".

[happygilmore]

Proper milk

Chocolate I agree with iggly, lying might be a good thing!

If I had managed to bf dd successfully (she's now ff) I would have had similar comments. MIL very much approves she is ff, and FIL would definitely have commented each time I bf her, which obviously would be loads. If we have another child DH will have to tackle them on it, as I'd really like to try bf again and definitely don't need the criticism that will come from them!

[paddypoopants]

My pil are the same - and like yours FIL is worse than MIL ( mostly because my MIL has the attention span of a gnat). It has been constant criticism since the day ds was born. In the early days he was being fed too often,( FIL actually timed me between feeds - ds was bf),and that he should be left to cry. They too were obsessed that ds was going to be fat. He was on the 25th centile for weight and 75th for height - I even showed them the chart and they went ok but he's still too fat as 25% of babies are thinner than him.

I'm sorry to say but it's only going to get worse. Now that he's 2 he is too noisy apparently, and doesn't go to his bed early enough, and we play with him too much, and I was told off for not telling him he should have said 'spat' instead of spitted. He's only been talking for 2 months For ffs.

I will give you advice that I haven't been brave enough to take myself which is to tell them politely or not so politely that the constant stream of criticism is hurtful, undermining and to stop now. Both my neighbour and my sister told their pil to butt out and it worked a treat.

[ChocolateMoose]

Funnily enough that's what DH said the other day (that we should just lie to her).

"still too fat as 25% of babies are thinner than him"

[happygilmore]

paddy sounds like yours a nightmare too!
that they think you play with your ds too much!

[TakeLovingChances]

glad it's not just my pil then.

[happygilmore]

Nope it seems there are a few of us!

[FifiForgot]

Another one here. When DD was born MiL said "Of course if you were bottle feeding her, I could give her her early morning bottle". Written down like this, it doesn't seem too bad, but at the time she was 6 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. Comments like this continued until SHE considered that DD was too old for a bottle. What irritated her even more was the fact that we never gave DD a bottle and she was BF until she weaned herself.

When we weaned DD we decided to go down the BLW route. MiL took it upon herself to ring my Mum and ask her to speak to me because "that baby will choke and die if Fifi insists on feeding her bits of food". Thankfully my Mum just said "Oh well, they do things so differently now-a-days"!

I could go on, but I won't bore you! Basically all you can do is what others have suggested. Put up a united front and stand your ground. We see a lot less of PiL that we perhaps should, but I just can't bear it.

MiL still doesn't agree with the way we parent DD and now DS, but she has stopped making comments, we just get a roll of the eyes and a huff now! Both MiL and FiL seem to think that when they are around, DD and DS don't need to obey the boundaries that we lay down and can basically do what they want, as you can imagine this does cause some stress, even though DH has spoken to them. IMO my 2 are far better behaved than her other grandchildren, but of course, the other 2 are the ones that have been brought up "properly" (bottle fed and weaned in a more traditional way)!