A bit of advice needed please dp wont talk to me.

[lydiathetattooedlady]

this is a bit long-winded really and for those who make it to the end thank you!

me and dp have been together just over 4 years. we have 2 beautiful children aged 3.4 and 1year. we got pregnant very early in to our relationship. he made it clear he felt i was pressuring him in to being a father if i continued with pregnancy. i decided to go ahead anyway making it clear i had no expectations for him to stand by me but he did and our relationship has continued on somewhat shaky grounds. we moved to the midlands from manchester so i could be near my family and because we didnt want to raise a child where we were. we brought a house and then ds came along.

we have periods of being very happy, and then periods of it being very shit. most of it being me being angryt hat i dont feel he helps me enough with the children. he has always ahd the attitude that because he earns more money his jib is alot harder than mine.

i started my own business with my sister in feb. i work 6 days a week but also do .EVERYTHING for the children. they get up at 6 (if im lucky, its usually earlier) get them washed dressed fed, tkae them to nursery (ten min bus ride, then 20min walk) i then go to work all day, pick them up, go home get them ready for bed. when thats doen i do the washing ironing as well as yet more work for my business. i can count on one hand the amount of times dp has got up with the children in the mroning.

he has now trasnferred back to manchester due toredundancies in the offices down here. he's living back with his parents. his mum cooks his tea for him and all he has to do is go to work. his hours are 10-6 day shift or night shifts. so not exactly crack of dawn get ups. he's onyl been gone 10days, had 2 at home but on thoise 2 days again he stayed in bed whilst i was up getting kids ready for the day then got up just in time to take them to nursery and me to work.

ive tried talking to him but he doesnt want to listen and just shouts. we had a row yesterday before he went back to manchester. i told him dd has said she doent miss him when he goes to work anymore because he shouts at her. his response instead of feeling guilty like i would was, 'well i wont bother coming home then if you and dd think im such a shit dad'.

i dont know what to do or tell him how i feel. i was prescribed anti-d not so long ago but he hates the fact im on them but i need them.

i suppose all im asking for is for someone to say you're not being unreasonable for wanting dp to help out more.

thank you for reading my essay

[macdoodle]

You're not being unreasonable at all!
Someone wil come along and make excuses for him, say poor him, he works too hard, feels unloved, and you should make more effort! Thats crap, plenty of men are stressed and work hard, they dont shout and their wives and children, and do fuck all around the house or with their families!
Having had an arse just like yours (only it got worse and worse), I have zero tolerance or excuses for these pathetic excuses of a man, having had a good one too, believe me there is a different way, a man who will get up with the DC (even when there not his) because he loves you and respects you, who will go downstairs and make you a cup of tea in bed, who will do the washing up without being asked, do jobs around the house without being nagged, enjoys spending time with you and the children (again even though they are not his), who enjoys spending money on you and the children because he like to make you happy! these men exist!
You decide which kind you want because IME the first kind never change!

[CheerfulV]

My XP says exactly the same thing if I challenge his shitty behaviour, it was the same when we were together. Like he's almost gleefully looking for an opportunity to feck off forever and is trying to goad me into being the one to decide it so he can say it was all my idea. And of course nothing to do with the fact that he simply can't cope with the responsibility of being a parent

I would say you are not being unreasonable to want A dp to help you out more than that bloke does. But you may have to stop expecting much of anything from him. He sounds like a millstone, or another child, someone who just complicates things and contributes very little. You can't make him change, so ask yourself if you can carry on like this is he remains the same. I wouldn't - well, I didn't. I was in a very similar position. In my personal opinion an attitude of entitlement/superiority to you is a tough one to get over, and almost never goes away. I.e, if he's like that, chances are he always will be. And will always 'punish' you for deciding to go ahead and have your first child, ignoring his superior male wisdom on the matter obviously .

You can do much much better than this knobface, but then I suspect you know that deep down and are trying to soldier on for the kids. Don't. They won't thank you later.

[SheWillBeLoved]

You don't have 2 children, you have 3. To him saying "I won't bother coming home then" - I'd have simply said "Okay".

What are you getting out of this relationship that makes putting up with this shit so worth it?

[lydiathetattooedlady]

thank you for your quick replies. after he said the not coming home thing yesterday i said he needed to sort himself out before thinking of coming home. i thought that id made myslef clear the i was cross and upset and was expecting an apologetic phone call. i got a phone call but he just spoke to me as though the argument had never happened he does this alot, brushing arguments to one side and pretending they havent happened.

im still with him because i want the perfect family and i do love him. i know how ashamed and embarrassed id be to tell my family we'd sepearted. i also dont want my children to resent me for their parents splitting up, just because i wanted more help, and not because one of us had been unfaithful etc. dd does say, mummy always gets me up in the morning because daddy is always in bed late!

i know people will say he works hard but so do i. if i didnt work 6 days a week and evenings we couldnt afford our house and bills, i may not pay in as much but my money is still as important to the family snd our home. i know they're better men out there. i suppose i have always based my ideals on my stepdad who took us all on. even though he and my mum have separated it is him me and my sisters see at least once a week. he treats us still as though we are his own.

[SolidGoldBrass]

What's 'perfect' about having this waste of space in your family? He contributes fuck all by the sound of it except cash and if you get rid of him you will still get a cash contribution from him without having to pick up after him and indulge his moods.
TBH it might have been better to bin him as a partner when you were first PG and build a co-parent relationship, these often work better than trying to remain a couple with a man who wasn't great partner material when and unexpected PG occurs.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

The big alarm bell here for me is that he feels that "he made it clear he felt i was pressuring him in to being a father if i continued with pregnancy". This pregnancy was totally 50/50, he could have taken precautions to ensure that it didn't happen couldn't he? It happened you went ahead with it and he stuck around so really he just needs to suck it up. Do you have any guilt that you DID pressure him into being a father and this is why you put up with shit. Because quite frankly if you do, you need to stop it at once (because its rubbish) and get on with the relationship as it is now.

Look at you fgs, you have started your own business AND doing all the housework and childcare, you are contributing FAR more to your family and life than he is.

He sounds like a wanker to be perfectly honest and I don't honestly see what he is contributing to your life. The brushing arguments aside without getting a resolution is called "stonewalling" and it is impossible to make a relationship work when one of the partnership is doing that. Personally I would tell him not to bother coming back, it will either shock him into seeing what he could lose (worked with my ex, but far too late for me, I was done) or you will be rid of him and quite frankly it doesn't sound like much of a loss.

You want the perfect family? Don't we all? But you are not going to get it with this man. He sounds totally apathetic when it comes to his relationship with you and his family.

A short sharp shock might work though, so that is what I would try if I were you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What sort of childhood did you yourself have to think this is at all acceptable either to you now or your kids?. Many people who themselves come from dysfunctional or deeply unhappy childhoods themselves also want to create the "perfect family" (an ideal that does not exist along with the family they themselves did not have) but end up instead replicating their own past.

You are not suited to each other and would be better off apart. The few good times that you have (and they are probably few and far between) in no way make up for all the rest of it. And as for feeling that you'd feel ashamed and embarrassed to tell your family that you'd split up?. This is broken anyway and I don't think you should have ever got together in the first place. Its all been on shaky ground throughout. What about your children seeing how he treats you on a daily basis?. Look at what your DD has said about him, she is being emotionally intelligent here. Your kids probably wonder what on earth you see in such a manchild anyway. Anyway said manchild is having his dinner cooked for him by his mother, that says an awful lot about him as well.

You are probably on anti ds as well also because of his ongoing crap behaviours towards you. He's put you where you are now.

BTW your children won't thank you for staying with this dead beat dad long term; they could as adults accuse you of putting him before them. You are both teaching your children damaging lessons re relationships here.

[Jux]

Oh Lydia oh Lydia ... (!)

You have not got the perfect family and you aren't going to get it unless this 'man' grows up and stops being a grumpy teenager.

You can keep this family going without him - you are already doing so.

Don't have him back; he's just adding to your workload, when he should be lifting half the burden from you shoulders. Removing him would lighten your load.

[OrmRenewed]

"'well i wont bother coming home then if you and dd think im such a shit dad'"

Ooh self-pity..such an attractive trait in an adult. YANBU.

[AnyFucker]

But he is a shit dad

A better dad would support th emother of his dc better and not make her feel like a second class citizen

This man has a lot of work to do on himself before he is good partner for you

I actually don't know what you would lose if you did bin him. Finances can be sorted. And you won't be giving up your "perfect family"...it never existed in the first place

Families come in all shapes and sizes...a pathetic, grown-up teenager shouldn't have any part in yours

Don't hang onto an illusion because you don't want to lose face. You might as well cut off your nose to spite it.

[ivykaty44]

'well i wont bother coming home then if you and dd think im such a shit dad'.

This is a really imature way of dealing with the hurt -it has hurt him that you and dd don't miss him but he says soemthng like the above as a response.

ask him then if he wants to think about whether he wants to be a good dad and support his family in noe financal ways for example getting out of bed and playing with the chidlren and helping to bring them up rather than sit by and let you do it.Perhaps then they might miss him being aorund as he is actually parenting rather than sherking it all

[magnolia74]

As usual, Anyfucker hits nail on head

[rupert22]

I dont care if i get flamed, but what does " we got pregnant very early ' mean? In this day and age with all sorts of contraceptive, its usually very difficult to get pregnant by accident if you are taking contraceptive. Did you?

Because he sounds like a lazy slob who didnt want a baby but an easy life and just slobbed along with the flow, and for that you have to take some responsibility. Your fist born may ask how she came to be,and the truth is her dad didnt want the pregnancy to continue.

The rot started there.

[notalways]

Lydia, you are not splitting up your family - sounds like your turning yourself inside out trying to keep your family together. Your partner is breaking up your family. His behaviour is not anywhere near acceptable.

By all means sit down and do what you can to try and sort it out but ultimately you cannot make him change his behaviour and attitude - it is entirely up to him.

It is not unreasonable to expect your partner to share responsibilities, it is a partnership, you are not his employee FFS. Sounds to me like he thinks he's done his bit by hanging about - F* that.

I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee but again this is entirely out of your control. I would set out my boundaries and make it clear what was expected. I certainly would not want my kids thinking this was an acceptable role model relationship.

If he wants an excuse to break up and leave you as a family then he'll find one. If he wants to stay and be a real father and partner then he will. I'd put it on the line but then there is no way I could tolerate feeling like the paid help.

[lydiathetattooedlady]

thank you so much everyone for your replies. ive spent most of the day crying and feeling pretty shit to be honest.

i've told him to leave and that i dont want him to be trapped in a relationship he doesnt want to be in. i said he has his chance to pick up his life where he left now he's back home with his mummy. he says he dopesnt want that etc, etc...in the end i felt like the bad guy so hung up(childish i know!) i find it so hard to remember what i want to say and find myself spluttering, i was thinking of emailing him writing down how i feel where i think it's going wrong but dont know if thats a bit chicken?? i just cant express myself and get it all out when he's on the phone as he interrupts and i end up crying!

rupert22 what i meant was that the pregnancy wasnt planned. i got pregnant despite being on ceroxat (sp) i now have the implant after getting pregnant a second time on ceroxat, i wasn't being careless!

[AnyFucker]

aww, lydia...hope you are ok, love

[lydiathetattooedlady]

ive emailed him as i didnt know what else to do, im sat here sobbing with a glass of wine and desperate for a cigarette. i know i am going to come across as a right bitch but if i dont do it he will never know how i feel and i think he deserves the chance to try and change before it is too late.

[rupert22]

Get some cigs and smoke away! This is a big decision, you need to take your time.

I still stand by what i said Lydia, you both didnt plan both pregnancies and he didnt want the first one to contuinue, so thats when i would have thought twice about staying with him/

What do you want, really want?

[Jux]

Write down what you want to say. Keep it by the phone in case he rings unexpectedly, and a magazine.

When you are on the phone to him, read out what you have written. If he interrupts read the magazine to yourself while he is blustering. When he's finished, read what you have written again. If he interrupts just read the magazine to yourself again. And so on. Until you've said what you want to say, or he has learnt to LISTEN to you.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Love, you have to take a stand, he isn't being fair. If you cave in now he'll just carry on and you will lose even more of yourself.

Fantastic advice Jux!

How can you make them listen/not interrupt when they are standing in front of you?....

[Eurostar]

I don't think you mean Seroxat as a contraceptive, that's an anti-depressant! Maybe Cervette?

Seems you've had children with a man who didn't want children and has no intention of putting any effort into it. If he doesn't miss you all and want to do his best to look after you all when he's with you for the little time he is...doesn't look too good does it?

Also, don't rely on the implant - use condoms or a cap too, if you took the pill properly you may be one of these people for whom hormonal treatment fails, please don't risk a third child who will be unwanted by its father.

[Jux]

LittleMissHissyFit, you ask "How can you make them listen/not interrupt when they are standing in front of you?"

TBH I'm all ears too, but if you're really really brave, you do the same as the phone thing. The magazine reading is really just a prop to keep you calm while they're shouting, but it's a bit passive/aggressive to do it in front of them. The trick is to find a way to switch off while they're blustering so that you don't react and remain (at least outwardly) calm. You'll probably be shaking, but try to think about that weird crease in his forehead, or how his face is going red or something.

It's a bit strange to give advice that is basically telling someone not to listen, in order to get someone else to listen to you, but sometimes you have to do that. [weird]

[Ladywolf]

I have no advice, i'm just at the start of a possible break-up too, with children the same age. So i just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you that you are amazing.

[ronshar]

I feel for you. It is so hard to be the one to end a relationship. Especially when there are children involved.
Perhaps suggest a trial separation?
He gets to stay in his mummys arms and be looked after like a baby.

You get to look after your very intelligent and beautiful children without the unnecessary burden of another toddler to tolerate.
If you are the adult normally then it is up to you to do the right thing by your children.

My Dh was a bit like this. One night mid fight he said if you dont want me here then I will leave.
I went to the wardrobe and put some clothes in it.
I picked up my phone and said "Right I'll phone X and you can stay at his house. His wife has just left him, you can be a pair of miserable fuckers together."
Surpisingly that gave him enough of a scare that he has not acted in such a childish selfish way again.

Good luck to you my dear. You will be fine without him.
You also wont need to be chemically propped up as you will not neded them any more

[SolidGoldBrass]

Lydia, you;re better off without him, you really are. He doesn't want to be a partner and father. He's only hung around so far in order not to look like a bad guy (and he probably didn't mind being fed and cleaned up after) - draw a line under him and start rebuilding your life with the DC. Make sure you offer him access to DC of course, but don't fall into the trap of having to keep on running round after him to make it happen (he sounds a bit like the sort who will keep on not turning up and letting you all down or who will insist on access at inconvenient times or make you drive miles to arrange the handover etc)
People say being a lone parent is hard, but it can't be as hard as having a man in the house who is more of an extra burden than a source of help.