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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I tell dh I have never had an orgasm with him?

41 replies

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:14

We've been together since I was 19 and I'm 34 now. We have 2 children. We have a lot of problems and issues around sex that we are trying to sort out (basically we've not had regular sex for years, bar the times we did it for me to get pg). He is the only man I have had sex with, he's a had a few other partners. We both want to sort out this problem but I feel like it can't be done unless he knows that I've never had an orgasm with him. I faked it for the first few years we were having sex and then our sex life fizzled out anyway . I know I should never have faked it in th first place but I was young and inexperienced and also inhibited. We are talking about it all at the moment and both want to make a concerted effort to get back on track. Can anyone give me some advice?

OP posts:

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TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 11/07/2010 21:17

Is completely destroying his ego really a good way to go? Honesty is not always the best policy.

whomovedmychocolate · 11/07/2010 21:17

Tough one. Have you had an orgasm without him? Do you know what YOU like? I would suggest you work with him to excite each other without a focus on penetrative sex and perhaps invest in a few toys to get you started.

Telling him he has never fulfilled you is not going to be a good conversation, telling him you want to make things more exciting by trying a new things you might both like, will probably help.

And do lead him by the hand and show him what you like. Do not expect him to follow hints, umms or ahhs. Words work, but a guiding hand works better.

HouseofCrazy · 11/07/2010 21:20

DONT tell him. How do you think he will feel knowing that you lied to him? THAT will become the issue, the lying I mean, and take the focus off the REAL issue of the orgasm.

So.....work out what you like..then TELL him what you like..encourage him if he does something good, direct him gently if he isnt quite hitting the mark. SHOW him what you like. Say I really like this, can you do that to me?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/07/2010 21:22

I wouldn't tell him. I think you need to look at revitalising your sex life. You seem to know this, and communication is the way, you need to be open, start talking about what you want, what fantasies you have, maybe get some toys to use together and kind of start again.

I would stop faking - don't stop making noise and he probably won't notice, if you are trying to work together to improve things, you can start having organsms.

Dh and I did this, we started a few months ago and now have a good sex life, orgasms a plenty and I have never talked about the lack of orgasms before.

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:23

Yes I can have solo orgasms no problem. I don't think penetrative sex is ever going to do it for me tbh. I think we are so unused to being intimate (in every sense of the word) that I am going to find 'guiding' him very difficult as well...
The last time we tried to get back on track we started off just with non-sexual massages ans moved on from there, which was ok. I just feel like I can't relax enough with him to orgasm. I always felt like that.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/07/2010 21:23

It can be hard to start talking - to start again with regard to sex, but once you get going it gets a lot easier.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/07/2010 21:25

You need to get more relaxed when it comes to sex. Get some toys, show him your clitoris and lose your shame!

chattymitchie · 11/07/2010 21:27

I'd tell him. At the moment you're lying to him and yourself as well and that's not healthy.

If he thinks you've always orgasmed the old fashioned way, how are you going to explain why it doesn't work now - or are you going to continue lying?

Best get it out in the open and then you are both working from the same starting point.

It's so common for women to lie about orgasming - but who benefits? Not the woman. And he doesn't either.

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:30

Consensus so far seems to be not to tell him. GOd I;m glad I posted this before I DID tell him - it would have hurt his feelings and not helped the situation. I realise that now. I wish I could be more relaxed Pfft but it's something I find really difficult, I am an inhibited person, plus I am convinced that DH does not find my body a turn on, even less so now after 2 dc.

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CaptainKirksNipples · 11/07/2010 21:30

I wouldn't tell him you have never had one, I don't think that would achieve anything. Why not just say you want to try something new? Or if you have to, just say that you aren't enjoying sex as much since having the kids and you might like to try something you read about in a magazine.

It sounds like you need to relax though so it would be a bit unfair to put it all on him.

CaptainKirksNipples · 11/07/2010 21:33

What is stopping you relaxing? Kids hearing body issues or something else?

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:36

chatty - I think I was just going to say that my body had changed since childbirth and that I wouldn't be able to orgasm by the same methods or something like that even though that is blatantly not true. He did notice (the last time we were having regular sex about 3 years ago) that I 'seemed to prefer' him using his fingers on my clitoris rather than penetrative sex. I nearly came a couple of times but I really really struggle to just let go.

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HouseofCrazy · 11/07/2010 21:39

You could always 'help yourself' while he is doing his stuff?

whomovedmychocolate · 11/07/2010 21:40

Would you find it easier if you were playing a role? If you are quite insecure it can help if for an hour you adopt a persona of someone else. Dress up as a sexy waitress (or whatever floats your/his boat)?

Just13moreyearstogo · 11/07/2010 21:40

It's difficult to orgasm just through penetrative sex. You need to have your clitoris stimulated at the same time and you probably need to guide his hand or his mouth to help you come.

Oblomov · 11/07/2010 21:41

lots of people only orgasm clitorally.
maybe you could say somehting like " since the children,.... feel drier inside , maybe penetrative sex not so.... for me now..., but now more stimulated ... clitorally ". that kind of thing. makes it sound more like a newish thing. not that you've been kind of lying for the last 15 years, which is a bit of a problem.

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:46

Whomoved, that's the thing, none of that sort of stuff floats dh's boat at all! And I would just feel ludicrous as a result! I think I could play a role in my own head iykwim but the thought of dressing up fills me with horror. Actually we've never actually talked properly about fantasies or anything. I do suspect he would like to be dominated but how the hell do I do that without feeling like a total twonk!

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chattymitchie · 11/07/2010 21:46

sounds like a good idea howdoitellhim

it's hard to relax because you feel pressure to be able to orgasm - been there!

At the end of the day, don't worry about it!

If you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. But the more pressure you feel, obviously the less likely it is to happen.

Most people I know don't find penetrative sex orgasmic, although the few people who do will act as if you're incredibly strange.

You're in the majority I would say!

howdoitellhim · 11/07/2010 21:47

O god it just all feels like such a mess. I have lied to him for years haven't I?

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chattymitchie · 11/07/2010 21:49

yeah but again, you're probably in the majority there!

ChocolateMoose · 11/07/2010 21:55

Don't know if this is helpful but if you find it difficult to relax during sex have you tried having a few drinks...? Also, then during/afterwards you might feel more comfortable telling him what you like. (Not sure I would make a good sex counsellor when my best advice is to get pissed!)

cluckyduck · 11/07/2010 21:56

Why don;t you book a weekend away to a nice hotel, get him drunk and tell him you want to have more sex?

You dont need to tell him you;ve never orgasmed, just say that you're at a stage in life where you want to be more intimate with him.

Have a few glasses of wine for dutch courage, and be filthy honest.

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CoteDAzur · 11/07/2010 21:58

Have you ever had an orgasm?

Since he is the only man you have ever had, I'm asking if you have ever had an orgasm while masturbating.

whomovedmychocolate · 11/07/2010 21:59

Right so you think he'd like to be dominated. EXCELLENT. Get the little worm to work his bottom off pleasuring you. Sounds like a win win to me.

CoteDAzur · 11/07/2010 21:59

Don't tell him you've never orgasmed. I'm guessing you have simulated many times over the years. He will never get over the thought of you as a liar.

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