excluding just the classmate with special needs from party invitations is NOT ok.

[lingle]

Kind of amazing that this needs to be said really isn't it?

But have a look on the special needs board and you'll see regular threads popping up from parents whose children are routinely the only one - or the only girl/boy - excluded from invitations.

It doesn't matter if you think the child wouldn't enjoy it or couldn't access it - let the parent judge that - send the invitation anyway. If the child has behavioural problems and the invitation is accepted, I think you should ask the parent to stay at the party.

[blinks]

good point.

[Poshpaws]

Here, here Lingle. I think it's disgusting that people would leave a child out of anything because they make assumptions.

[basildonbond]

speaking as the mother of two children with statements, frankly I wouldn't want either of them to have been receiving 'pity' invitations though ...

[MollieO]

Wouldn't occur to me to not invite but I do find it awkward if parents with SNs children don't stay (which happens). I find it very difficult to say to the parent that they need to stay when they feel that they don't. At ds's party recently it meant I spent more time minding one child (didn't even see the parent dump and run) than I did with everyone else.

[BridesheadRegardless]

Excluding just one or two children from a party is heartless.

Excluding just an SEN child is utterly shockingly heartless.

Parties should be small and intimate or include everyone, no exceptions.

I usually go for small and intimate, about 8 children so majority are excluded.

One year we did go big and I made ds invite all the boys evne the 2 he says he doesn't like. I pointed out he may not like them but they still have feelings!

[lingle]

basildon, appreciate that inviting child's 5 best mates plus the child with special needs whose parents you don't even know could be a pity invitation, but that's not what I'm talking about.

[meltedmarsbars]

The point is when whole class parties happen, I think?

[pagwatch]

Mollie

I can see that would be difficult. But if you can muster the right phrase to say 'I would love to invite xxx but I don't know him terribly well so I would only really feel comfortable doing so if you could stay. I am sure he would be happier if you were here'

If the parentthen says no I think not inviting becomes fair tbh. Sad but fair.

I would never dream of leaving DS2 anywhere without me and most parents I know would feel the same.

[lingle]

yes, whole class parties.

Basildon, I've got an image in my head now of a PTA person inviting her little girl's 5 best mates plus my DS2 out of pity. Yes, that could be an awkward afternoon, I take your point.............!!!!! (perhaps I should have said that DS2 has SN). The chances of that happening are fairly slim though.

but back to the OP, a child with SN is still part of that community and shouldn't be excluded.

[MollieO]

This particular parent has done the dump and run with her dc since early in reception. She always does it and no one has the nerve to say anything. I would have said something at ds's party but she dumped and ran when I was organising the parents drinks tab! I got back to the party location to find one boy but no mum. One of the other parents had tried to stop her leaving and had tried to get contact details (failed on both accounts).

It wasn't a normal year 1 party either and most parents stayed with their dcs because of that. She was also late collecting (again normal for her) and didn't apologise for that either. I suppose it is hard to be the parent of a SN child but if ds was like this child it wouldn't occur to me to leave him at a party without checking it was okay first. The only other parent who dumped and ran checked with me the day before on whether it would be okay (party activity required close supervision and party venue had advised we needed one parent per child).

[HoopyFroodDude]

I have a SN daughter and this happens to her every year. Several parents invite all the girls to their dds party except her. She is not particularly hard work and is friends with all the girls. I cannot understand why they would be so mean. She has often asked me if it is because she is different. It breaks her heart.

[5inthebed]

Well said Lingle.

[going]

Mollie - it sounds lime you should have made it clear parents needed to stay at the party.

If a whole class is invited I don't think one or tow should be excluded whether they have special needs or not.

[MollieO]

I did and said that if for any reason this wasn't possible (ie younger siblings to care for) I needed to have a contact number.

[agalchchangedhername]

My dd hasn't invited everyone in her class. She has invited her friends and the kids she gets on well with.

Is it really the done thing to have to invite the whole class whether or not DD is friends with/likes that child.

How very odd!!! DD has been invited to some parties and not to others.

I would invite anyone she wanted to and certainly wouldn't exclude a child because he or she has SN.

[HoopyFroodDude]

"Is it really the done thing to have to invite the whole class whether or not DD is friends with/likes that child."

No but to exclude one is unkind. I invite all the girls every year or we don't have a party at all.

[MollieO]

I think it is fine not to invite the whole class but you can't invite all but one or two, hence the reason we stuck with half from ds's class and the balance from the other class. When ds had whole class parties we had the same rule - all or no party - meanwhile hoping that the dcs ds didn't like would turn down the invite .

[mummytime]

It doesn't just happen to SN. My dd2 has not been invited to one party this year (year 2). The elder two were still going to parties most weekends at this age, and DS wasn't even popular. She is being brave about it, but I know she has noticed, and she is upset that the girl she has consistently thought of as her best friend didn't invite her.

We have had several ASD boys at various times to parties, and DD1's downs friend, and we never had big parties 10 or so at most. DD2's class doesn't seem to have any SN really, which seems odd to me now.

[fridayschild]

DS2 wanted to invite everyone except the child who is hovering on the edge of SN - query very naughty or SN. I said this was Not On and he could have all or half the class. He went for half the class.

I agree absolutely that you cannot exclude just one or two kids, for whatever reason, but equally I think the birthday child gets some say in what the party is like.

[PosieParker]

People are unkind.

[edam]

Yup, when we've had whole class parties for ds, they have been WHOLE class. Mean and nasty to leave one or two children out (although tbh there were one or two I would have loved to have not invited as they are tricky to manage - no SN as far as I know, just trouble).

This year he's having a smaller party so I've invited the friends he wanted and think that's fine.

[BridesheadRegardless]

Agal, no one is saying you should invite the whole class, just that it's cruel to leave out just one or two.

As I, and othersv habe siad, it's either small and exclusve (majority excluded so no offence) or everyone (or all boys/girls it has to be.)

It's cruel to leave out just one or two.

And super cruel to leave out just the SEN kids. in fact it's beyond comprehension to me that poeple do this, but going by threads on here they obviously do.

[camaleon]

Mollie,
Cannot quite get the point of your posts with the story of this particular girl. Are you saying that there may be good reasons not to invite one child to a party? And that their SN could be one of them? Some parents misbehave. Apparently some parents misbehave massively as this thread suggests.

I am [schock] these things can happen. What BridesheadRegardless said at 10:46 summarises it for me.

[Hulababy]

I can't believe people would be so mean as to exclude just one or two children in a class full stop, egardless of special needs. To use the special needs as an excuse is dispicable.

ONE of the following seem ok to me

• Invite full class
  
• Invite all girls
  
• Invite all boys
  
• Invite half or less of whole class
  
• Invite half or less of all girls
  
• Invite half or less of all boys
  
  If inviting more than half of the group, then invite them all.

[Tabliope]

I had a whole class party when my child was 5. It never occurred to me to not invite everyone - one severly autistic boy and one boy who had had a stroke. The one dad touchingly said it was the first invite his son had ever had. In the end we had 38 including some outside friends, two of whom had cerebral palsy and were in wheelchairs. They all had a great time, the magician made sure of it. I even invited the two Jehovah Witness children even though the reception teacher said not to bother as they wouldn't come. I liked their parents so wanted to leave it to them to decide but wanted them to know they were invited. Always, always invite everyone. Terrible not to although point taken about having the parent there if the child needs help.