My children (& others) told off for hugging/kissing eachother in Primary School - AIBU ???

[Hotpants]

I have 3 children at primary school (& its attached kindergarten), ages 3, 5 & 6.
I am v affectionate with my children, I believe children of this age need to feel loved, we kiss goodbye etc. I also encourage them to kiss and hug eachother because I want them to be emotionally robust people and I want to foster the sibling relationships! When they were toddlers if they had a spat with a friend I also used to encourage them to give the other child a hug or a kiss when saying sorry, and sometimes they hug some of their friends (their closest buddies) when saying goodbye.
Now the school has told my children that they must not kiss anyone else except for Mummy and Daddy. A number of other parents have also been told that their children must not hug or kiss other children. One mother's very sweet little boy hugged another child to say sorry, just as his mother had taught him - and he was told that it was 'not appropriate'. Another three year old boy was told off for kissing another three year old - they are only three years old ffs!
I'm afraid I REALLY object to school telling my children that they can't kiss or hug their brother or sister in the playground! - AIBU?
I realise that there are some situations that could develop, particularly with older children, but I feel that this approach is just bowing to Compensation Culture at the expense of our children's emotional wellbeing. I think small children SHOULD be allowed to touch/hug eachother. Obviously if it is rough or unwanted then that is a different matter - and then we need to teach them that that is not acceptabe, but that is a valuable lesson in itself . For me, 'banning affection' is not the answer!
What does everyone else think?
And should I do or say something to the school?

[StealthPolarBear]

I agree with you. I'd rather my DCs kissed and hugged snotty nosed other children (although at the moment they are the snotty/gungey ones) than were told they weren;t allowed to. We encourage them to kiss each other good night / good bye.
Can you talk to the other parents first and have a joint meeting with the school.

[ZZZenAgain]

What I think is important is that the person (regardless of age) being hugged and kissed is comfortable with it. Otherwise no, it isn't to be encouraged.

I suppose this is what lies behind the school's attiutde. I wouldn't personally find it "inappropriate" for a 3 year old to hug another 3 year old to say sorry so I see your point.

However to be hugged and kissed at school when you don't like/want it is annoying. You have to think of a child on th receiving end who does not want the behaviour - that's when it would be a problem. Dc have to learn to be a bit sensitive to how other dc react and to pick up on whether the behaviour is wanted or not by the recipient of it.

[PaisleyLeaf]

There's a lad in DD's class who really needs to work on 'personal space' - he can be so full of love and affection for everyone and crowds out the children, trying to keep hugging them.
I can only guess that for the school to have told these children to stop there must have been a bit of a problem with it for the recipients of all the affection.

[mrz]

I think the school should be teaching the children how to say "stop" if they dislike it rather than blanket banning hugs.

[PoppetUK]

My Pre-primary (4 year old at the time) was told they couldn't play getting married.

[Goblinchild]

Our school goes with the line that hugs and kisses are for family and home, not in school. We don't go OTT, it's just a reminder.
It's about learning boundaries, and that what you want is perhaps invasive and unwanted to another.
I agree that children should be taught to say no if they don't want a hug, but some won't take no for an answer.

OP how would you feel if your sweet little poppet had hugged or kissed my son at 6 and been severely thumped for invading his necessary personal space?

[Dozer]

Yanbu but agree with others that kids need to learn boundaries and to respect others' space. Have seen lots of young kids hugging/kising in a kind of aggressive rather than friendly way too!

[Dozer]

Though think that is different if the kids are siblings.

[spanieleyes]

We have two year 3's who have decided they are madly in love, all very sweet until they spend the whole of break and lunch sitting on a bench kissing each other. Whilst I am all for a quick hug and peck on the cheek to cheer a classmate up, uninterrupted snogging is not on!

[seeker]

I would check with the Head exactly what's been said - sounds like a garbled message to me.

[AdelaofBlois]

We had a bit of an epidemic of kissing and hugging among our Yr 1 and Yr2s. It caused quite severe problems because it was obvious these 'kisses' were not always consensual, were being 'policed' by other children to exclude, meant different things (many Yr2 girls saw it as a heterosexual romantic game, some Yr1 boys hugged each other because 'he's my best mate'), and that it was encouraging physically needy children to demand more of us.

You can see how our discussions went. Since many adults don't get 'enthusiastic consent', is it reasonable to expect such young people to, or for that matter reasonable not to try given they will have to learn? Was the problem kissing itself, or the (necessarily?) fractured nature of our playground community? How should we deal with the issue of heterosexist bullying for mostly unsexualised children? Is a ban helpful, given we would want children to cuddle those who were upset or down?

Eventually, and without any agreement except that agreement was necessary given the cross-class nature of the problem, KS1 coordinator told us to ask children not to hug or kiss unless the person being kissed was upset or hurt, and to get a teacher as well if this was the case. Parents like yourself, to my mind rightly, complained, but we needed to do something and the epidemic has now abated. Perhaps it's worth asking your school what the context was before deciding iyabu.

[AdelaofBlois]

I would add that telling individual children off without clearly setting out the rules for all children would not seem reasonable.

[Hotpants]

PoppetUK how awful that your 4 year old was told off for playing at getting married!! Wern't you cross?!

Obviously snogging is not OK, and I realise that when children get older things start to get trickier... but isn't it better to teach children that some other kids don't want their space invaded and therefore to be sensitive in their affections rather than to 'ban' any display of affection?
Otherwise how are they to learn?

It feels rather sad if we tell SMALL (kindegarten and primary) children that hugs or kisses are inapropriate outside the home/family - it seems to give the message that hugs/kisses are bad/dirty. Aren't we sexualising something that is innocent?

[nickschick]

I can see why (i think) its about helping children understand social niceties and boundaries and whilst your dc might be happy to kiss and hug the recipient may not.

I think in school certainly there are other ways to show love between friends and holding hands and sharing is a great example of this.

Also we have to remember that these children are still v young and need guidance and encourag,ent to say 'no' we shouldnt foster a society where kissing and hugging is accepted because inevitably one day the giver wont be welcome.

It is v hard and I can see that some parents might see it as a rejection of their beliefs ....however having seen teenagers ...that lurve soon returns .

Ds1 is 17 and recently in town we saw a young man in his 20 with cp this young lad goes to our church and obviously has other difficulties too - i was so very pleased to see ds1 accept a kiss on the cheek off the young man and then when the young man insisten on holding his hand all around town ds didnt object and just carried on with his teenage mates chatting etc and looking at games and clothes whilst holding the lads hand.

[Bonsoir]

LOL. At the school my DD (6) goes to, which is run by French people (though the children are from multiple cultures and countries), the girls gang up on a boy in the playground and catch him/pin him down to enable another little girl to kiss him on the mouth. They all seem to be having lots of fun!

[Goblinchild]

Flip the genders Bonsoir and parents here would be a lot less happy, and talking about complaining to the governors and moving schools.

[Bonsoir]

Yes, I'm sure they would!

DD had a little girl from her class over for a playdate on Friday and they were very busy talking about who is in love with whom and who kisses whom behind a bench!

[purepurple]

Hotpants, that's really sad. It's just another example of the fucked up society that we live in.
Children (and adults) simply can not live in isolation without any form of contact. Madness.

[rainbowinthesky]

I would be annoyed if boys were allowed to grab and kiss dd (aged 7) without her permission and it was seen as okay. I'm trying to bring her up to know it's okay to say no if you want to.

[Goblinchild]

I agree rainbow, but I also think that boys should be allowed the same rights.
In Bonsoir's example, they were all having fun. It's when they widen the game to include others that don't want to be kissed and hugged that the problems start.

[AdelaofBlois]

There is a difference between asking or wanting someone to invade your physical space and simply not saying 'no'.

I have to say that however much 'fun' was being had I find it hard to believe that enthusiastic consent was given to being pinned down and kissed-that the boy concerned actually asked the girls to do this. I think ganging up like this crosses a line, and is a long way removed from the more complex one-to-one displays of affection in the OP.

Even if this kind of pinning down were kissless I think I would want it stopped simply because it has the potential to become coercive and harmful rather swiftly, and I would not necessarily trust the victim to report it as such. Potentially spoiling one of many fun games for everyone in order to potentially protect the vulnerable would seem key.

Perhaps I'm just not French enough. Mind you, in several years of living there I was never jumped on and forced to kiss lots of people. That only happened in some rather lurid teenage dreams on an exchange visit.

[FreudianSlippery]

OMG that's quite sad :( YANBU.

My DD is very cuddly, and so are the staff at both preschools she attends. They actively encourage things like hugging to say sorry. I'd be livid if she goes to yrR in sept and suddenly has to stop.

I agree with mrz - they should focus on teaching the DCs how to say no if they aren't comfortable - some children don't like this contact and that's fine, but why penalise the ones who do like it? A hug between 2 cuddly children can't do any harm can it? :(

[AdelaofBlois]

I don't want my DSs to have to say 'no', especially in the socially complex world of the playground, or to be taught to. I want them learn that they have to have to say 'yes'.

[FreudianSlippery]

???

I don't understand what you mean. If they like a hug, they don't need to say no. If they don't like hugs, they do need to know how to say "I don't like that"

[EmEyeHi]

This happened to my DD when she was 5. Teachers apologised and told me that they had to stop it as it was a sure fire way of spreading germs.