ds 12, struggling with life

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

My ds is really struggling emotionally at the moment. last night I picked him up from his friends, he'd had great time there but seemed down, I asked him what was wrong and he just burst into tears, and said he has to many thoughts in his head , and it was a mess. He went on to say he worries about everything. Feels so sad at certain times and he gets dark thoughts that upset him, like things he's read in books seen on TV things at school. He hates conflict and can't bare the thought, Of what people do to each other, bullying huting each other hurting animals etc. He's worried about ww3 starting, or us dieing etc. But what upsets him the most is that he has no control over these thoughts and just wants them to stop. He says even when playing minecraft after killing zombies his mind starts to wonders on to what a horrible thing it is and how there are people who would hurt people like this that in the real world. Once the dark thoughts start he just becomes so sad and worried about it all. He's worried about a friend at school who he thinks might hurt themselves. He's worried about a couple a bullys at school he shares a couple of lessons with.
We talked last night and together tried to come up with ways of Stopping dark thoughts taking over we decided on having a safe book or dvd to watch or read to help to stop the anxiety and distract him when the thoughts start. Also set aside a quiet area like a tent in his room to sit and meditate, (as a few years ago he went on a school trip to a Buddhist temple were they were told about meditation and shown how to. He tried it and liked it, but hasn't done it for a few years.)

I will without him kknowing have a word with him his tutor about the 2 boys who are making life difficult for him in class.
I'm so worried for him. Not sure whether to take him to the doctors or see how he gets on first, now he has spoken to me about it.

Dh told me that apparently when he reached 11/12 he couldn't sleep because of anxiety and his dp gave him 'calms' to make him sleep. it was not on medical advice.

Most of the time ds is kind of happy go lucky person.

[RecklessSerenade]

Sorry to hear your DS is going through this. The meditation is a great idea and am sure will help. If he's happy to, I would take him to his GP for a chat if only to reassure him that lots of people his age feel the same way. I have two DDs and the eldest was extremely anxious at the age and worried about everything. She is late teens now and seems to cope much better. My youngest is 12 and doesn't seem to worry much about anything.

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

Thank you, I think I will take him to his gp then, as when I mentioned it to him originally he freaked out a little. but if it is quite common in can tell him and maybe the gp will do the same too.

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

I'm glad your dd is coping now.

[Queenlizandabottleofgin]

tea that sounds awful. Sounds like be has really bad anxiety.

I have periods of terrible anxiety and meditating and hypnotherapy really helps for me. My GP prescribed medication but I wanted to try other options first and they make a difference. I also exercise a lot now too. I'm not sure if they would apply to him being so young but if he is will give it a try.

I have a app on my phone that I just plug in to when I have quiet time.

Really hope his little mind gets some peace

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

queen
I'm sorry you suffer with anxiety too. I like the sound of the app, what is it? He has a phone so could down load it.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

There is always the option of you consulting with the GP first? I agree that it is better to seek help now. While some children might suffer from anxiety, it's not normal in the sense that he shouldn't have to be struggling with intrusive thoughts and upset, iyswim? Maybe the GP will make a referral to CAMHS, which would probably be the most appropriate route to proper support, if he is struggling.

There is a youngminds parents helpline, who should be able to support and advise you. Apparently their call volume is high but if you can't get through, they have an email address too...
www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

There is also a section specifically for children, about anxiety here. Maybe it would help your ds, to have a look?...

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people/whats_worrying_you/anxiety

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

Sorry I didn't mean the hypnotherapy, I thought the app was just a soothing app he could listen to whilst meditating.

amantas thank you for the link I will be intouch with them,

[Queenlizandabottleofgin]

tea there are loads, I just typed in hypnosis at first and a lst of them came up, anxiety, sleep, stress ect.. I use one from surf city. It's a blue app. It's free but f you pay a couple of quid you can receive the bea and Alfa tones ( I think that's what it's called) tha help to relax more. I had a driving lesson yesterday and my driving instructor remarked at what a change in my confidence I had. Also when I use it in bed at night I always fall asleep before it's finished. Which is a HUGE relief as at times I would be gong over conversations I'd had, future ones I may have. Worrying about stuff that wasn't big but I would really wind my self up about.

It's worth a try x

[Queenlizandabottleofgin]

Ok no worries. Have you had a look for mindful meditation app? There are lots of them too.

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

thank you queen

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

queen I like the sound of the hypnotherapy apps you have mentioned , but just for now because of his age, I will have a look at the mindful meditation apps.

Thank you all for your replys and support

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

No problem! Have you had a look at the children's anxiety page above (second link)? Your ds might find it reassuring. It starts by saying that 1 in 6 young people have anxiety and goes on to explain what it is and ways to manage it, including how to get help

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

Thanks amantas yes I had a quick look and thought I'd show him it later, when younger dc isn't about.

[myermay1]

I just typed u a long message and lost it!

Ok we went through very similar a few years back with my 10.5 year old son, so I truly empathise. It a horrible time for your child and for you, as his mum you naturally want to help him and reassure him that everything is ok.

First do you know what's triggered it? My sons was puberty, hearing about horrid things from children, sex ed and having his eyes opened to the big scary world we live in.

I would suggest you keep a list of his worrys, I can also rec the book what to do when I worry too much and up and down the worry hill. Go to you gp and be persistent about a referral to cahms, it took me three visits to get this. In the end after being told we had a 6-12 math wait we went to a private child psychologist who was amazing. It was expensive but worth every penny, I knew we had to act quickly after he told me he had thoughts of hurting himself with a knife to stop the thoughts ??, but he always followed up by saying he didn't really want to do it and it wasn't true, he just couldn't control the thought in his head. he only had 6 appointments. She used a variety of strategies with him, cbt, mindfulness etc. she taught him that we all have thoughts, inappropriate ones too - it's just if you act on them that's the problem. Eg, we might have the overwhelming urge to throw a brick through a window, that fine, it's if we do it that there's a issue. I think just the realisation of him going to see someone and learning that we all have thoughts and learning how to deal with his worries was enough for him.

I hope this makes sense, I'm happy to answer any questions and I wish you luck with your son, the most important thing is he can tell you! That's so great as I remember I wouldn't tell my parents anything when I was that age as I thought they'd think I was mad! We were told to give him talk time, so each night 10 mins talk time about whatever he liked and worries too, sounds harsh to restrict the time he can talk about them - but you know yourself the more thought you give worries, the more they become an issue!

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

myermay yes it all makes sense, and I hope your ds is doing well
We were thinking hormones too, as he has also told dh that he has started getting wet dreams. Ds is fairly confident and has a good set of friends some from his old school and some new ones at secondary.
I think also the move from primary up to a very big school. Other triggers now you mentioned it could be a one of his friends died a couple of years ago, so maybe the grief from the that and hormones changing the way he looks at things. A lot of his anxiety seems to be worring about how other people are/effected even animals, especially the friend who tells him that they want to kill themselves they have said they want to slash there wrists and have tried to hang themselves. For many reasons this obviously upsets him. It is something else I will mention to his tutor. As for that child to say that either for shock or are sincere, it's worring.

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

*Worrying

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

My eldest is 14, and the last two years have been filled with this genuine, hormonal angst. We talked it through togerther and with the doctor (who also supplied acne gel) and he was most scared by the horrid things in the world (people being cruel to each other in school or on the news) and the empty feeling he gets inside. Now he understands that it will pass, I respect his time alone if he needs it and things get a bit much, and he knits when he needs to empty his head. Slow, painstaking knitting, but still it stops his mind working as he can't do it and think at the same time- he also draws cartoons to help empty his head. Maybe that's what meditation does for your son.
I'd go to the GP and see what advice they can give. They may not take it seriously straight away, and tell you it's normal. You may need to push back with an "ok, that's fine, but what are normal coping strategies then please?"
I wasn't a teen boy so I had no idea- thought girls got pmt and boys got Way without hormonal issues, just a little acne. Very shortsighted and stereotypical of me, won't make that mistake again.
Good luck to both of you, at least you're not one of those parents who either don't notice, do notice but ignore because they can't deal with it, think it'll be ok because they were when they were that age, or just don't care.

[calzone]

Ds was like this when he went to secondary school.

He broke down and cried a lot.

I got in touch with the Family welfare officer at school and she was completely amazing. He is much better now. Hates school but is coping with it all.

Hope things get better soon.

[myermay1]

How awful his friend dying, that's tragic. Also yes, I can imagine his mAte talking about hanging himself etc would play on his mind. I wld def mention that to tutor as that Childs parents need telling. Hopefully it's just an attention seeking thing. Odd what some kids do to try and impress and get attention. My son has had girls tell him all about their self harming! Turns out after alerting school it's because they fancy him and it's not true at all. It also worried my son, I told him the majority of people who feel that desperate wld never tell anyone, and gave him an example asking if he told anyone that he saw a psychologist for worries, he was horrified and said "no way" so I said I very much doubt those girls are hurting themself because if they were they wld probably keep secret. Unfortunately these kids are exposed to so much, much younger than what we were. They can access the world from a small device in their hand if the correct restrictions aren't in place, scares the life out of me. Your boy sounds a very caring soul, I hope he gets the right help to manage his anxieties

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

thegirl the knitting sounds very therapeutic. I think I wasn't expecting this sort emotion in puberty in boys either.

calzone yy the crying took me back really out of character.

myermay I am very unsure, with the best way to help him approach the suicide thing (with out knowing if its genuine) so will wait until I speak to the young minds people and school.

It's really helped today to know that this is something that some boys go through, and hopefully with help and understanding we can come out the other side Of it.
I talked to ds again, and he seems to of had a better day. I showed him the link to the youngminds sight and he identified with it and decided he is gad.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

Does your son have any pets, Tea? When I was younger, my pets were a massive comfort.

Now, I hear my dc confiding in theirs and I've found that taking sole care and responsibility for an animal, is a great way to turn their attention outward, rather than internalising worry, iyswim?

What does come through strongly from your posts, is your fantastic relationship. For him to feel free to confide his worries and seek support from you, must be such a massively beneficial comfort to him and not one which every child has.

You're doing all the right things

[BeautyintheBedroom]

My SIL works for this amazing charity. He is not alone in suffering. We need to talk about it more. There is help out there for him. You sound an amazing mum OP www.place2be.org.uk/our-story/childrens-mental-health-week/

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

amantas yes we have 2 dogs and a cat. Ds has a gecko that is his sole responsibility. He loves animals and would happily fill the whole house with them if he could.

beauty thank you I will have a better look tomorrow, I like the sound of them having an awareness week on the 16th

[cdwales]

Your son is NOT ill simply rather unusual in being particularly sensitive and possessed of an imagination! My son was like this too. He was incredibly observant and read people's emotions from an incredibly young age when he was supposed to be totally wrapped up in himself.
Gr8 that you have been so observant that you can describe his perspective so well. Wonderful that his Dad recognises this perspective too - sadly Dad's who lack the 'sensitive gene' can be very harmful in this situation.
Please do not try to suppress his sensitivity - that way is the last thing he needs. Sadly teenaged boys are high on the suicide risk list and many are the sensitive ones - those who naturally have emotional intelligence!
My son was like this. In fact he loved Day Nursery and made real friendships as a toddler which the nursery nurses ad never seen before (an isn't supposed to happen). But School was not good - a rough year in an otherwise good school (I was a parent governor) but he did not like what he saw. I realised that we were losing him - he was shutting us out. Then one day when he was 9 I happened to read something about Home Education (which despite being married to a teacher I was not aware of!). I was shocked when at the mention of this possibility he suddenly became passionate that that was what he wanted to do.
It was tough financially but he was at home with his younger sister for 4 years. He soon blossomed and once more became the happy, witty, chatty son I had had before. He went to the year 7 Open Day and decided not to start High School at 11. We listened in amazement as he described everything that had happened that day - the teachers would have been appalled at how he picked up their issues and tensions.
He went back aged 14/5 to study and take GCSE and stayed on for A Levels.
He still as a 19 year old chats and tells me things in a way that few young people do.
The point is this is his real nature and it makes him a wonderful, very special, person. One who will make a very special partner and father one day. I dread to think what might have happened to him had we not felt that he needed support, love and empowerment to experience the world not as a helpless person condemned to have his face rubbed in the suffering of others..
He prefers not to watch the news, or hear about horrible things. He knows what happens - I do let him know for awareness raising - but he can imagine the rest and does not need it hammered home.
I was on the helpline for Education Otherwise for over five years and spoke to many parents whose beloved children were so sensitive that the particular 'mass education' setting in which they found themselves was tough on their souls.
Oh and we live on a farm and DS is a natural with animals - especially horses - and the space, freedom and perspective of nature has also been a great help.
Best wishes!