DD12 has no friends

[blondie1968]

my DD moved to high school in Sept 11 and had 1 girl she clung to as a best friend but that girl always had other friends. They have since fallen out & DD is spending every break time alone. She says she keeps trying but no one wants to be friends with her. She has also been diagnosed with epilepsy (Aug 2011) and not sure if her medication is giving her mild depression. W have started a changeover to another one to see if it helps. She constantly takes herself out of class to see matron with "illnesses". School said is keeping an eye on things but giving children merit marks to spend time with DD just makes her feel worse. She has been suffering this for months but only just told us when it obviously became just too much as was trying different ways to make friends but has failed and didn't want to worry me. I put on a brave face discussing it with her but am heartbroken to think she has been going through this and hiding it from me. Have suggested lunchtime clubs and she said she will give it a go but she looks so beaten.

[usualsuspect]

Can you encourage her to ask a friend round

[blondie1968]

Tried. We had a Halloween party and girls came but resounding silence since. Then the fall out with the best friend (a petty fall out that escalated) and solitary breaks and lunches since. She also is now usually eating a minuscule amount of lunch.

[Sparklingbrook]

Could she move school? Drastic I know.

[blondie1968]

So far ex won't hear of it, although DD has mentioned this before and again tonight. I obviously missed the signs she was so unhappy. He has suggested ways in which she could make herself more attractive to potential friends (always look happy, strike up conversations) but he is naturally very confident and popular so not sure he gets how hard this is and that she feels like trying any more is beyond her right now. I don't think she believes it will get better.
I know no- one has the answer, just needed to get it off my chest as sitting crying isn't productive!

[Sparklingbrook]

DS has been in High School since September (Year 8 though here). He has found it a struggle and says he's not one of the 'populars'.

Is there even another school that she could go to? there's only one High School here so have told DS he's staying put.

[Beamur]

That's so sad, your poor girl.
Does she have any out of school interests? If she is struggling to make friends at school, perhaps an activity where she might make friends, or more importantly regain some self esteem would help.

[blondie1968]

There is another one but she would be on her own again, just in another place. After school care would also be a problem as she goes to her paternal gm now and other school 7 miles away with no bus service. I work full time. Looks like we have to work with what we've got, at least for now. Maybe change in medication, or her coming to terms with her epilepsy will also help. Right now, I just want to make it all better for her. Friendships were much easier when she was little. Not looking forward to dropping her off tomorrow, and she will no doubt feel the same

[Sparklingbrook]

It's so hard. DS wanted to move so he could 'be a different person' at the new school. He's shy and not v confident and says he hates being that way. I drop him off with a heavy heart every day.

[blondie1968]

She plays hockey (doesn't think she's any good) but it's getting hard to get her to do/try anything. I really do think she's bordering on depressed. Maybe more professional help may be needed to get her back on her emotional feet. High school, epilepsy and lack of friends have taken their toll.

[blondie1968]

You poor thing. This is obviously a club with more members than I thought there would be.

[crazynanna]

Happened to my dd in yr 7/8. She was part of a small group with a queen B.
Queen B decided my dd was out...so she was out.
Like you,lots of lunchtimes alone,started getting anxious and loads of time off school.
It did take a few months I will not lie...but she evntually started talking to another girl,who was quiet like her,then that girl had a friend who knocked about with them so became a threesome..and she started smiling again!

Yr 9 now...and the original group have all split up and Queen B has been shunned by them all and is sucking my dd's arse but to no avail as she has her real mates now (Karma's a bitch)

Give it time.

[Sparklingbrook]

It's vile. He walks up the steps and I just want to grab him back and bring him home. Academically he is doing well, it's just the social side he can't seem to get stuck into. You just feel helpless.

[blondie1968]

Good on her. So pleased to hear a positive outcome!

[blondie1968]

I can't say anything to make you feel better I know. But I hope your DS understands somewhere deep inside that he is already more than good enough and DOES NOT need to become a different person.

[Sparklingbrook]

He's a big ball of worry and self-doubt. But he's kind and generous and lovely. the 'populars' are all the horrible gobby sweary lot.

I think/hope he will get better as he gets older.

[margoandjerry]

poor girl, and sparklingbrook's boy too. I used to do what the OP's girl does - always having illnesses that meant I had to leave class and go to the sick room. Looking back I don't really know what was so bad but at 12 I think everything seems bad. I did change schools (for academic not friendship reasons) and then felt even worse because I didn't know anyone and had no friends and I felt completely trapped because I'd jumped and couldn't go back.

My first, second and third years were like this but at some point in my third year I found my groove and found friends and was then absolutely fine from there on. I suppose it was partly that I grew up a bit and learnt not to take everything so seriously but just to go with the flow a bit more (stopped having histrionics about friendships with particular girls that went off the boil etc). Also having a life outside of school helps - not just friends outside of school since they can grow apart as well but a choir membership or sports club or something that you are part of that you know and understand so you can build confidence.

I really do feel for any child in this position - if only you could help them understand that a) being this age is tough and b) it gets better if you just keep on going, have confidence in yourself (or fake it) and keep looking cheery - eventually your people will find you.

[piprabbit]

All you can do is to keep gently suggesting ways of making new friends. Lunchtime clubs are a good idea, as you say. Are there any school plays etc. she could get involved in (maybe even behind the scenes)?
Is she into guiding or anything outside school? I think that Duke of Edinburgh Awards start at 14, so that's a way off at the moment.

[cakeoholic]

If there are any local drama type clubs I would really encourage her to go along to one. I am a nanny and have seen time and again how much going to something along those lines can help a child, it just seems to give them confidence and improve their self esteem as well as the enjoyment factor, sense of achievement and health benefits. With Feb half term on the horizon I'd see if there was a week long thing you could send her to.

[JugglingWithSnowballs]

DS (10) has had a difficult time with friends recently. He's been very unlucky and several have moved house/school, or even to a new country (x2)
I think I really need to see if we can encourage one or two over to play here. We've tried though (sending an invitation or verbally, but no answer/result)
Will have to see what we can do though, as DS has been a bit sad on occasion (especially at bedtime when tired) We got a table tennis table, table football and pool game for Christmas, so hopefully that could help encourage his friends round one afternoon ?

[CeliaFate]

My dd feels like this too. Your dd is not alone - keep telling her that. My dd has been treated appallingly by her old friends from primary school so dh and I have encouraged her to be friendly to everyone, but not to stick closely to one or two in case things don't work out.
Dd does 2 out of school clubs, one of which is drama. As a pp has said, it works wonders for her confidence.
Keep talking to the school - let her form teacher and head of year know she is unhappy. There should be procedures in place - perhaps a buddy system, a safe place she can go if she's alone etc.
There is a support network for children with epilepsy here. An online forum with a close community feel (like MN for kids) where she could talk with her peers who are going through the same thing may work wonders. As we know, sharing problems online and having sympathy and kind words from strangers gives us a new perspective and some comfort.

[Sparklingbrook]

Hi Celia. Things getting a bit better? Two steps forward and one back here.....

[CeliaFate]

Hi Sparkling! Things are on an even keel at the moment. Some minor blips (dd still not one of the favoured few), but she's widening her circle of friends slowly but surely. The Queen Bees have shown their true colours to other friends now, so dd doesn't feel it's just her thank goodness.
It's a tough one isn't it? Hope your dd has a huge leap forward soon.

[Sparklingbrook]

DS keeps going on about the 'populars'. It drives me mad because as far as I can see they are all the troublemakers. He's come home with details of a trip to Germany which he claims to want to go on which is weird. i am still none the wiser....

[crazynanna]

Celia the Queen Bs' always get rumbled by the massess in the end!

The one who made dd's life hell has been well and truly outed to the point where she cannot even get people to partner her in PE! Oh how the mighty fall.

We had a meeting last night at school for GCSE options....and I noticed her sticking to her mum like glue whilst all the other girls (mine included) were flitting around and chatting to each other. Shame really. Not

[JugglingWithSnowballs]

dd got together with a few other girls who weren't the "populars" so she said.

They made up a name for themselves (can't think what it was now - something like the "alternatives" or "the freaks" - was quite funny ) Anyway I was so proud of them - I thought that was such a brilliant way to deal with the (probably rather boring) "popular" clique.