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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

1 2

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

11 year old DS and x-box, don't know how to handle this.

37 replies

VenusWineTrap · 03/11/2011 22:00

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice about my 11 year old DS as I'm really struggling to lay some boundaries that don't result in a meltdown of anger from him.

He's just started secondary school, seems to be happy, has a good circle of friends, and has settled well.

At home his life seems to revolve around the x-box, and no matter how much we try to limit it or set fair timescales, it dominates our house, any restriction is met with an angry outburst - 'We want to ruin his life,there's nothing else to do, we hate him, we don't want him to have any fun' the list goes on.

Besides taking it away completely, do any of you have any suggestions that have worked in your family? The shouting and anger has really upset me tonight.

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DownbytheRiverside · 03/11/2011 22:09

Sticking to set times, giving him 10 and 5 and 2 minute warnings before the deadline.
How long has he been addicted, and what else does he do other than play on it?
Oh, and don't shout back or get stressed where he can see. Go for calm, relentless and inflexible!

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GypsyMoth · 03/11/2011 22:11

Remove it...completely. He can have it back when he is rational again

Did this for my ds.

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ItsonlymeMrsDB · 03/11/2011 22:17

My 12 year old DS has a PSP, which he adored, till he realised the DS had many more games available ! (Between you and me, he is getting one for Christmas, but ). I digress.

What I do, is have the 1 hour rule. 1 hour playing, then OFF. I don't care if you have to save the game, get to the next level, whatever, it goes OFF. He's 12, he can tell the time, heck, if need be, set an alarm, you know ?

If it doesn't go off after the 1 hour, he loses the use next day. Simple.

And IF, (because we are all gamers/mad mnetters in this house) he is allowed to use it for longer than 1 hour, EVERY 30 minutes it's a 10 minute break.

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VenusWineTrap · 03/11/2011 22:37

Thanks. It just seems so hard to get him to stick to what we feel is a fair restriction. The warning times don't work, he ignores that totally, then gets angry when we turn it off (and we do!)

I have a 'not until 5pm and off before tea' rule in the week, for which he comes in from school being aggressive about it until he's allowed on at 5pm, and then more anger when he can't go on after tea.
When I read my own posts back I could probably think of quite a few words of advice, and yet it feels so incredibly hard because when we're in the thick of yet another argument I can't see a way through it. I'm sick of being told we're ruining his life.

We did, about six months ago, have a complete melt down and I removed it for a couple of weeks, and his behaviour - once he knew it was gone - improved dramatically. We talked about it, agreed limits, the x-box was reinstated and wham-monster again!

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ItsonlymeMrsDB · 03/11/2011 22:49

I know exactly what you mean, and I have had the "you hate me, I never get to do what I want" argument too....I tried a different tack though and asked him, quite calmly, if a piece of plastic and metal really meant that much to him, and could he remember what on earth he did before he had it ?

It does feel awful when it seems like they don't want to spend any time with you, and seem to be 'lost' in a virtual world, and I have had the complete meltdown too, but I am a much more wicked Mum than you...I took it away with no reference to when it would be given back, only that it would be returned when Dad and I considered that he was behaving like a polite human being !

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belledechocchipcookie · 03/11/2011 23:06

I've been having the same problem and the internet (pokefarm game). He's now only allowed to use it 4 times a week and even then it's for an hour. It's only been since Monday and he's a different child. I'd get rid of it if I could but he needs the internet for homework. I'd confiscate the xbox and encourage him to join some clubs. It's hard, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You're the parent though and you're doing what's in his best interests, even if he can't see it.

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ItsonlymeMrsDB · 03/11/2011 23:13

FWIW, my 2 don't have any access to the internet unless via my the family laptop. ALL supervised, unless specifically for schooling.

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AnyFucker · 03/11/2011 23:16

welcome to the secondary school rage

the "you are ruining my life" will prevail, if it's not X box, it will be curfew times, homework, exam revision, or whatever

really, you seem scared of the rages of an 11yo

you need a thicker skin

and to remind yourself quite who is in charge here

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belledechocchipcookie · 03/11/2011 23:16

Mine's supervised, he sits next to me and uses it. I'm telling you, pokefarm is like a cult; it sucks them in like mumsnet

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GypsyMoth · 03/11/2011 23:16

Take it away again.... You and him both know it works. Remove it and keep going so til he gets the message.

You can't have this rumblingbon when it comes to gcse years

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colditz · 03/11/2011 23:18

Why nottake it away completely, to be earned back with good behavior?

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DownbytheRiverside · 04/11/2011 00:03

I agree, no one should be ruling the house because of their rages and accusations. If he was coping with the time limits and able to communicate in a more civil fashion then there would be some wiggle room. But he isn't.
The x box is not an essential in his life, whatever he thinks.
Give him fair warning and then sell it if he doesn't show more self control.
Having teenagers is tricky and can be very hard work, but you need to set clear ground rules against abusive behaviour and language or things will deteriorate very quickly.

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nooka · 04/11/2011 04:40

I'd be responding to the rudeness with clear warning that if that's how he behaves today then no x-box tomorrow, and stick with it. Warn him that you may well decide to remove it completely if he doesn't change his attitude.

Mine also has the occasional meltdown and I think that you just have to be tough and ride it out. It's just the teenage equivalent of the toddler tantrum, and means as little, so try not to be upset by the words (I know this is easier said than done). Yesterday ds wouldn't stop when he was told to and got sent to his room by his dad. He was not happy, but there we are that's life. He did emerge sometimes later in a better mood.

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LoveBeingAFirework · 04/11/2011 05:08

I remember supernanny a friend having this problem. Because it was an addiction, even meals were served at the game, she had them reduce the about of time spent each day weekly until it was the level they were happy about but also offered something in it's place. So activities/playing outside to get him moving and used to doing something else again (that sounds like he was fat but he wasn't). I think it sounds reasonable for a child that age to be helping with a replacement activity rather than just taking that away iyswim.

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TheSkiingGardener · 04/11/2011 06:21

He's addicted. Think of how hard people find it to give up smoking/drinking/gambling.

He will rage, but he needs your help to break the addiction. I do sympathise because he will rage at you but keep reminding yourself WHY you need to help him.

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CeliaFate · 04/11/2011 11:10

You've answered your own question. We did, about six months ago, have a complete melt down and I removed it for a couple of weeks, and his behaviour - once he knew it was gone - improved dramatically. We talked about it, agreed limits, the x-box was reinstated and wham-monster again! I'd take it away and offer lots of other alternatives that he'd enjoy.
When you're all calm, explain why it's a problem, tell him it's going, take it away and don't renege on it.

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VenusWineTrap · 06/11/2011 21:36

Thank you all for some excellent suggestions. he's been away all weekend on a school trip, so a brand new start tomorrow. The last thing I want is to have him in a couple of years time, so addicted that he's on in the small hours and eating/drinking on it. At the moment it's in the family room, I refuse to let him take it to his own room.
I have to admit I feel guilty for taking it away completely as firstly we moved house, away from his friends who used to call for him, (he wasn't happy about the move) and secondly he saved up and bought the console himself, but I know I need to toughen up as I really don't like what it's doing to him.

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johnworf · 28/11/2011 20:08

We're in the same boat expect my DSS has Aspergers. He's completely obsessed by his Xbox and would play on it from morning til night and his eyes bled.

We have removed it in the past as a punishment (for other misdemeaners). However, as he is now 11, we have met him half way and negotiated times he can play on it. I think laying down the law with an 11 year old is tricky. I think you can reason with a child of this age.

Anyway, during the week on school nights, home work is top priority and he is allowed 1 hour. He is not to play on it after tea so that he can wind down for bed time.

During the weekends he can have 3 hours broken down through the day (not in a lump). He must tell us when he goes on it and ask permission first - this also allows us to keep track of how long he's been on it.

I think this is a common problem amond tweenage and teenage boys. I have 2 older boys, now in their 20's, who also went through this. They do grow out of it when they get to 14/15 when girls and a wider social circle come into play.

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Dee03 · 28/11/2011 20:15

I have the same issue with my 3 ds..my 12 year old isn't too bad but my 9 and 14 year old drive me insane!!!!!......

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Jellykat · 28/11/2011 20:22

DS2s Xbox died on Saturday
He's currently.. reading a book !!!

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PattySimcox · 28/11/2011 20:28

Consoles and screens are a priviledge in this house, time on which is earnt by good behaviour and swiftly removed for any inappropriate behaviour.

But we still get the stropping.

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wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 28/01/2012 14:53

My ds is banned Monday to Friday. Only allowed at weekends for this reason .
This weekend he is on a tech ban completely as he DOES NOT realise how lucky he is to have an iPhone a laptop and an iPad. He now wants to save up for a blackberry for himself as they all have them at school .
I have officially reached the very end of my tether. (where the hell did tat saying come from . It sounds really stupid written down )

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SWImmes · 03/02/2012 18:45

My 10.5 year old son has a 3D ninetendo DS and an I pod touch. He is allowed to play for as long as he wants on either only on Sundays - the rest of the week out of bounds. Of course all his friends have I-pads, etc etc and are allowed to play them all the time...!! (so he says) I think it's vital to set ground rules and stick to them. If they're difficult to control at this age, they'll be impossible at 15.

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VenusWineTrap · 02/03/2012 14:42

Ok, so I'm picking up my own thread again here for some answers to a simple question..

Why is letting him play x-box online with his friends all day such a bad thing anyway? Why can't he go on all the time as long as his homework/jobs are done? Why does it need a limit anyway?

His words not mine!

He is currently on another complete ban for a week after a meltdown, but just cannot understand why everyone has such a problem with it, and to be honest while I know it's bad, I am struggling to explain to him why. (in language an 11 year old understands). He just thinks we are being completely unfair.

Anyone got any suggestions?

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vixsatis · 05/03/2012 10:17

In moderation, it's fine.

It's just bad for anyone to spend so much time wrapped up in one thing that they don't get to experience or learn about a wide range of things. This is especially true of children because childhood is a period when one should be learning and when the "one thing" with which he is obsessed is not real. He is wasting his time in a virtual world which does not exist. All the time that he is messing about on the X-box he is not reading a book/playing sport/ playing a musical instrument/watching something instructive on television/having a real social life/allowing his family to enjoy his company/drawing/messing around in the garden.

There are many fun things which an 11 year-old can do. Most of them assist learning or development in some way. Playing on the X box involves absolutely no educational content at all and, therefore, needs to be limited.

There is more to life that the non-existent world on the X-box. One only lives once and you want to make sure that he makes the most of his life. He will thank you for it when he is older.