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Pregnancy

dumped at 30 weeks. what do i do now?

32 replies

jellybean86 · 20/12/2009 20:55

he says he doesnt love me anymore. and has had doubts for the the last month

so ive packed my things and left and im now back at my parents house 15 miles away.

i feel like such a failure, lost, upset, angry. i really dont want to me a single mummy.

what the hell am i going to do? where am i going to live? how can i afford to live?

:-(

OP posts:

Report

thelunar66 · 20/12/2009 20:57

God how awful. What a bastard. Jeez.

MumNWLondon · 20/12/2009 22:32

Sending hugs, what a bastard.

I don't know enough about your situation to know what your options are... eg was the baby planned, will he be a good dad to the baby even if you are not together (both financially & in other ways), but I would imagine that managing (financially & otherwise) as a single mother, is very difficult.

But if you really don't want to be a single mummy would you consider adoption? there are never enough newborns to go around, and judging by my 2 friends who have adopted, they wanted their babies so much.

jellybean86 · 20/12/2009 22:36

I would never put my darling little girl up for adoption. I love her so much. Just wish it never come to this.

We had been together pretty much 2 years. Baby was a suprise and unplanned ( was on the pill) but we had been so exicted and had every thing ready, and had pretty much everything for a new home.

I think he will be a good dad and has said he will pay for her.

I just never thought it would come to this. I feel like my whole world as crashed around me. I wanted to spend my life with him. Shame everytime he said he loved me it was a lie :-(

OP posts:

23balloons · 20/12/2009 22:41

jellybean how horrible and to do such a thing just before christmas. I hope you work something out. Sounds like he doesn't deserve you.

MumNWLondon I think you last paragraph was very thoughtless somehow impying your friends wanted a baby more than jellybean. The comment about not being enough newborns to go around was truly horrible.

23balloons · 20/12/2009 22:43

jellybean maybe he has got cold feet. Hope when your daughter is born he realises what he has lost and you can work it out. My thoughts will be with you over Christmas.

MumNWLondon · 20/12/2009 22:46

Sorry i didn't mean it like that, I just meant that if someone really didn't want to be a single mother there were people out there who were desparate to adopt.

I caveated that i didn't know enough about situation, adoption works for some.

westlondongirl · 20/12/2009 23:02

Jellybean , i'm so sorry to hear that you have been dumped. Don't know what to say (apart from that he is a cowardly s**t) I hope you will be ok. Lean on your family and friends, i'm sure they will all try and help you as much as they can. Even if you end up as a single mother you will find a way to cope. You obviously love your daughter to be very much. It may well be cold feet on his part. Perhaps you could suggest both going to a counsellor? Even if the relationship is past mending maybe you can find a way to communicate with each other in future. Sending massive hugs.

I'm afraid that how ever well intentioned the adoption comment was it was inappropriate and hurtful to post it.

harleysmama · 21/12/2009 01:54

Jellybean,

the same happened to me at 16 weeks im now 32weeks and ive had to move home too. the prospect of being a single mother is terrifying but ive been keeping myself sane by thinking of good points
such as...its better to know how the ex partner feels now rather than splitting up when the baby is old enough to remember and
we have no one to answer to with big decisions and can raise our babies how we please.

if you are not working you should contact your local jobcentre and you will recieve income support and your local council will help house you if it is not suitable to stay at your parents. if you dont want a council flat they will give you money towards a private let.

there is also a surestart maternity grant of £500 toward the cost of buying babies essentials.

my ex has not been contactable since the split and its heartbreaking but the thought of my little boy is keeping me going and i cant wait to meet him! im sure you'll cope fantasically and your little girl will love you so much!

hope some of this info helps and you have good friends to support you xx

jellybean86 · 21/12/2009 07:30

thank you harleysmama x

im working so that isnt a real issue. and i think its best i stay with my parents for a while. but i just hate feeling like such a disapointment, like a failure.

what really hurts as he has been saying allthe time he loves me and then when i asked him yesturday he wudnt even look at me. he stood there watching me pack my life and my baby things into asda carrier bags. then he just walked out and left, didnt even help me with my things to my car even though i have a really bad back. i havent even heard from him. i just cant believe he doesnt love me anymore and the whole time weve been toegther feels like a lie.

i just have no idea how im going to get through today, tomorow, christmas. ive been awake all night sobbing my heart out. i feel like i could throw up. and i have to work today and go face everything and pick some more things up from his.

how do i get through it? i think if it wasnt for my little girl i would run away or do something stupid :-(

OP posts:

Arsed · 21/12/2009 07:40

Oh sweetheart.

Your ex is an utter arsehole. I knw it doesn't feel like it now but you are better off without him in your life. A man who can treat somone like that doesn't deserve all the joy that a baby brings.

The comment about 'paying for her' is so sad.. As if that's all his responsibility is !

boyraiser · 21/12/2009 07:47

Don't do anything stupid. This sh*tty time will pass, and you will get through it and come out a stronger and (one day) happier person.

Try not to get stressed about being a "single mummy" - it's a label with lots of negative connotation (thanks to negative commentary in the media); but loads of women (and many men) bring up families without a partner, and do a great job. In some ways it is probably easier to get on with the business of caring for your baby without the big baby (your ex) to worry about. It sounds like he is a bit selfish and self-obsessed to say the least. So forget the label: essentially you are going to be a mother, and whilst that is one of the hardest jobs in the world, it has moments when it is incredibly rewarding.

You have clearly already started to bond with your DD, but wait till she has been out a few months, and you are able to hold her and look into her dear little face - it'll be a love affair that never dies.

Becoming and being a mother is difficult, and in these circumstances I imagine it must feel daunting, but you can do it. A friend of mine recently became a mother in similar circumstances, and she is doing brilliantly and has a fabulous little girl whom she adores. Of course it has been (and is) hard going at times, but she knows she is the best person for the job.

When you have had a little time to get over the initial shock of being so unceremoniously dumped, try to concentrate on the logistics of getting through the next 6 months. As other posters have said, lean on family and friends as much as you can (are your family supportive?), find out what benefits you are entitled to, and try not to let your ex boyfriend's shoddy behaviour spoil this very precious time.

Don't forget too that you'll have lots of MNers here to talk about your baby with, and can come on at any time for a chat and advice, if that helps.

jellybean86 · 21/12/2009 07:57

Im so touched by everyones kindness, you all have given such great words of wisdom. I hope i can be as strong as your friend boyraiser.

Yeah my parents have been brilliant and if im honest its nice to be home with them and my doggies. Yeah sucks sleeping in my own uncomfy bed again, alone.

Got to try switch my antenatal care today and find some antenatal classes in my area. Fun :-(

OP posts:

westlondongirl · 21/12/2009 09:20

jellybean86 the fact that you have come on here asking for support shows how strong you are. Your ex is being incredibly selfish and horrible to you and it must feel devastating. The most important thing now is you and your little girl. It's good that you can stay with your parents and they will look after you. Boyraiser is right that this s**tty time will pass. Just take it one day at a time and do go and see a counsellor if you need someone impartial to talk to.

I have 2 friends who were dumped like this, one when pregnant , the other a few weeks after the baby was born. Both have gone on to be very happy and have said that they became stronger than they knew they could be. They are wonderful mums just as you will be. Don't let this selfish man rob you of any joy with your daughter.

westlondongirl · 21/12/2009 09:23

By the way I see on your profile that you are due on the 26th February. I'm due on the 27th. Come and join the lovely ladies on the antenatal thread who are very supportive click here

GrumpyWhenWoken · 21/12/2009 09:28

Jellybean just wanted to give you a big hug, your ex is a real bastard.

You will be fine, I know it's scary, but you can do it and you can do it all YOUR way. You have your parents to help you too, which is great.

Being a single mum is hard, but it's better than being in a marriage that's not happy.

We are all here to help you through it, I've got lots of great tips (I have 2 little boys) when you're ready.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 09:31

I don't think he is an arsehole and all the other names he has been called. I think he has been honest with you about his feelings and told you rather than living a lie or having someone else behind your back.

If you weren't pregnant I am sure you wouldn't be getting all these comments. People break up all the time.

He isn't your partner anymore but he will always be the baby's father so you need to sort out the practical side of things about maintenance for the baby and access.

Get on with your life as if you don't want him anymore as he might realise what he has lost or you might enjoy your life and not be bothered about having him back.

clam · 21/12/2009 09:42

Fab, but he still watched the pregnant mother if his future child, pack up and lug bags of stuff out to the car (in the snow?) without helping. That makes him an arsehole in my book. The other stuff we'll clearly have to disagree on.

"Has had doubts for a month?" Surely the OP deserves more than that. Every relationship goes through peaks and troughs. A month doesnt sound long enough (after 2 years together) to jump ship.

GrumpyWhenWoken · 21/12/2009 09:46

Fab you may have a point, but I think just at the moment Jellybean needs a big hug and lots of support. Too soon to be practical.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 09:56

Yes but everyone slagging him off and saying what a shit he is won't help if they get back together and getting practical is the way to go when your heart is broken.

2muchinformation · 21/12/2009 09:57

What he has done is hurtful, horrible and i am so sorry. BUT, I do wonder if it is cold feet. IMO, you do not fall out of love with someone in just one month (you said he has had doubts for a month). I have gone through a bad patch with my DH for a period longer than a month in the past, and where our feelings were up in the air, and in actual fact, it was the commitment he had a problem with, the settling down, not the love. He acknowledged (much later) that he did love me at that point but felt trapped (this was pre-baby however). During this very very rocky period when things were not great, the love did not disappear. So, I think, if you do love someone it takes longer than one month for it to stop.

How long were you with him before you fell pregnant?

2muchinformation · 21/12/2009 10:00

(when I say the love did not disappear, what I mean is, we both loved each other, but it often felt like we did not, and we questioned whether we did. But the questioning, in a way was needed, rather than be ignored, as we explored how we felt rather than walk away from what went on the become a great partnership, marriage now and 2 great children and, but those feelings were doubted for a while)

GrumpyWhenWoken · 21/12/2009 10:04

I know what you're saying, I just know I'd want lots of sympathy at this point.

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FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 10:16

She has my sympathy but she needs more than that.

memorylapse · 21/12/2009 13:46

what a tosspot..however..not excusing him..but he may have had an attack of the jitters..obviously he couldnt have chosen a worse time to have made his announcement and Im so sorry that he has done this to you...however if it really is over..you will cope..honestly
I was 7 weeks pregnant with DS2 and had DD aged 2 when DP turned round and said he didnt love me anymore..great..he walked out..I spent most of my pregnancy in tears..but when DS was born we coped..it was hard..I was 21 and a lone parent to two small children..DP never showed any interest in DS..and when he was 2..I met my now DH..weve been together 14 years and he adopted DS..DS has turned into a lovely 15 year old lad who is fully aware who his real dad is, Ive never bad mouthed his real dad or tried to encourage DS to not want to know him..the choice is there should he decide he wants to see him...obviously the circumstances were slightly different for me in that my partner didnt want to know my son..

ShiriDoula · 21/12/2009 13:48

Jellybean- Oh you poor thing if you live in the London area, I will be happy to accompany you in your birth so you won't have to do it alone, free of charge (well, just the travel expenses, really). feel free to PM me :-)

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