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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

It's a Boy........but I can't stop crying.

43 replies

Grubster · 07/05/2009 11:28

Have namechanged for this as my DH knows my MN name.

I went alone for my 20 week scan yesterday as Dh was in the grip of a sickness/fever type bug. All went well, no problems detected.

Dh did not want to know the sex of the baby but I did and since I was alone I agreed to find out when asked by the sonogragher if I would like to know.

Well as the title says it's a boy. We have a lovely 2yo boy already. This is my second and last pg due to my age, finances etc so no chance of another baby anyway.

I am so disappointed, I have always felt a small pang of envy when I see people with a daughter and now I know that I'll never have one of my own. Yes, I know how shallow this is.

Worse still, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for being so full of self-pity when I am carrying a perfectly healthy baby.

I guess I will get over this but at the moment I can't stop crying.

Please feel free to give me kick up the arse.

OP posts:

Report

TheGoat · 07/05/2009 11:31

i think this is probably why it is not such a good idea to find out. when your baby comes you will love it either way but when it is still a bump it is hard not have a preference.

you will have a lovely baby boy and your ds will have a lovely brother. take care.

AitchTwoOh · 07/05/2009 11:32

aaaw.

i think all of these 'lasts' are hard. i've got two dds and LOVE them but to think that i'll never have a wee lad is tough, as is to think i'll never have a wee baby, never bf, never be pg.

numptysmummy · 07/05/2009 11:34

I was the same with dc3.I figured it was better to get all my negative feelings out of the way before the birth. By then you will be feeling more positive anad will be ready to welcome your new son into the world with no feelings of dissapointment etc. Don't beat yourself up,go with the tears for a bit anad then focus on all the positives of having 2 boys!

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:36

the two boys club is a good one to be in. really!

cocobongo · 07/05/2009 11:37

Remember that, when you are pregnant, you hormones are all over the place and the silliest of things can make you upset. So don't be too hard on yourself that you are upset that you are having a boy. You probably know deep down that you will love it etc, it's just a bit disappointing at the moment. And it is worse because you can't talk to your hubby about it.

Have a good wallow for a wee while. After that, you will probably feel "what on earth was i so upset for?"!

xx

Ohforfoxsake · 07/05/2009 11:38

You know, we are meant to say we don't have a preference, but infact, we often do.

I can understand why you want a girl, it is a different experience, that's true, but not better or worse.

Having two boys is lovely. Mothers and sons have a very special relationship. My boys couldn't be more different from each other and I get different joy from each of them.

Don't beat yourself up for being disappointed at this stage. You will have a baby, who you will love unconditionally - you can take that as given I'm sure - and he will be a brother for your son and they will have a very special relationship for it.

Be kind to yourself

Mummyfor3 · 07/05/2009 11:39

You poor thing!

I am mummyfor3boys, and I totally understand how you are feeling - there will be no further attempt for a girl for us either!

I agree with Aitch, it's waving good-bye for the chance of something you hoped for, isn't it? In reality my wee pack of 3 boys is great and I do now have a sense of relief to not have to do the "pink" thing .

Allow yourself to be upset, cry and tear your hair out - and when you are done: enjoy your little boy!

TOK · 07/05/2009 11:39

Hi Grubster. I am pregnant with baby number 2 at the moment as well. Like you, I have a 19mo ds and this will be my last pregnancy. I don't plan to find out because I know I will be disappointed. But I secretly want to daughter for the same reasons as you and I have thought alot about it! I think my head is saying that having another boy will just be the same as first time, but I keep reminding myself that this baby is going to be a whole new little person, different in looks, personality and experience to ds1. I don't know if this helps you at all- proabably not, but this is they way I'm trying to prepare myself for the new arrival. I'm sure when the baby is born all these feelings you are having will melt away! xxx

kidowner · 07/05/2009 11:40

Then adopt a little girl!

There are so many cultures where girls are unwanted and murdered.

Imagine if you grew up knowing you were unwanted because of your sex.

Don't let your bitter disappointment ruin your life, turn it into a positive.

There are on line charities where you can adopt a little girl, finance her a little through school etc in places like Africa, Asia etc. In fact you could adopt as many as you like and can even visit them!

Please don't feel sad anymore. Btw, congratulations on your pregnancy. Your little son will love to have a brother playmate!

pagwatch · 07/05/2009 11:42

Grubster
i don't know if this will help but I will try...

I had two DS's and was pregnant again.
at the scan DS1 asked if he was going to have a brother or a sister. The Doctor told him but I nearly fell over when she saidit was a girl.

I really really didn't want a girl [shame]. I was quite upset but didn't show it and told no one.
Well she turned up and she is just fabulous - not what I was expecting at all. And that has nothing to do with her sex really - she is just so different from the other two and so full of life and joy and energy endlessly.
My point is that nothing is ever quite what you expect and this child may surprise you. Each of my children have surprised the hell out of me in different ways. I do sympathise but maybe just focus on the whole new person thing rather than the sex.
Feeling disappointed is fine but sometimes we have to master those feeling and just let the disappointment go.

(I hope this doesn't sound patronising although I fear it may)

Comewhinewithme · 07/05/2009 11:43

Don't feel silly I sobbed and sobbed when I found out I was having dd4 got it all out of my system in about a day and now she is a gorgeous three year old who everyone loves and I am so glad she is who she is .

Congratulations.

fedup1981 · 07/05/2009 11:43

It's understandable that you should feel that way, so have your time of feeling sad, but then try to remember what it was like when your ds was tiny, how gorgeous he was regardless of being a boy or a girl, just a perect, gorgeous baby. You will feel that way again when your next baby is here, too!

Grubster · 07/05/2009 11:44

Thank you so much for your kind words everyone. Once more MN makes sense of everything!

OP posts:

LeninGrad · 07/05/2009 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ingles2 · 07/05/2009 11:49

Grubster
I felt exactly the same.
I was gutted when I found out ds2 was boy. I cried for at least a week.
All those missed shopping opportunities, girly bonding sessions, I was fixated that I'd probably spend my entire life washing dirty football kit.
Then ds2 was born and it all vanished!
Now, they are 8 (next week) and 9. And I wouldn't change them in a million years. I love my boys to pieces.
There is 18 months between them, and they've grown up together and played together beautifully their entire lives.
I can say without doubt they are the best of friends.
I do spend my days washing dirty football kit, but I actually enjoy it
and
There is nothing better than cuddles from mummies boys

pagwatch · 07/05/2009 11:49

Lenin
so true.

I suspect my DD will make a fabulous prop forward one day. She does the girly stuff but OMG she is seriously competetive and fearless in games.
I thought the girls arrival would be the end of endless sports kit and she is already worse than her brother.

ingles2 · 07/05/2009 11:49

mummy's

neolara · 07/05/2009 12:00

I am pregnant with my third.

For my first two children I didn't find out the sex and when they arrived I was just excited to have a baby.

With this pregnancy, we didn't ask the sonographer what we are having, but I looked, so I have a pretty clear idea. Initially I was excited, but about 5 mins later I felt really, really sad that I wasn't having the other sex. This experience was completely different from how I felt after my other children were born. I now wish I hadn't found out.

I suspect when your baby is born and it is in your arms, you won't care one tiny little bit that it is a boy. You will just love it to pieces. It's just that it is still an abstract bump at the moment.

alana39 · 07/05/2009 12:04

Like Ingles I have 18 months between my 2 boys and they are alternately best friends / mortal enemies but at least that's someone to play Power Rangers with. Even though they've never even seen it.
I was also disappointed at first that I wasn't going to have a daughter - but as I see friends' girls I think my ideas of mothers and daughters may have been way out of line, at least while they're young. Now pregnant again and would be quite happy to add another boy to the family, they're fab!

Poledra · 07/05/2009 12:09

I have 3DDs - I was (and still am, to a degree) bitterly disappointed for my DH that he will not have a son. We knew from early on that DD3 was a girl, and DH has never once expressed any disappointment in her (she's 9 months).

I think it was good to get over the feelings before she arrived though. I had to have loads of scans from 20 weeks on as there were some problems with the pg, and she was in SCBU for 5 days after she was born. I think this helped put it in perspective for us. I don't want you to think that I'm dismissing your feelings though - I think most of us have a secret preference and it is a blow when life doesn't deal us the hand we want. You'll love him once he is here

WorzselMummage · 07/05/2009 12:34

I have a dd and would have loved another one. I got pregnant and knew it was a girl but misscarried then got pregnanct again and knew it was a boy, i was right and like you i was a little disapointed after the scan. Then at 22 weeks he tried to make an appearence and we nearly lost him, were told he wouldn't survive. At 27 weeks he arrived and it dawned on my while watching him fight for his life in the incubator that he wasn't 'a boy', he was a baby MY baby and i loved him unconditionally, as you will too.

It makes me sad that i ever had a preference.

Chooster · 07/05/2009 13:35

I can only re-iterate what others have said. I found out Ds2 was a DS at my 20 week scan. As soon as she said the words 'a boy' - I felt disappointed in a way I never expected as I didn't even think I wanted a girl that much . It didn't last long but I just couldn't visualise what he would be like. I was just imagining a clone of DS1 and I already had him! How could I enjoy another boy as much as DS1? But as soon as DS2 arrived I just loved him for being him. He is not DS1, he is his own person. He's funny, emotional, stroppy (sometimes ), cuddly and more importatantly a great brother for DS1. They both adore each other (inbetween head locks!) and I am so lucky to be a part of their gang.

I used to still think about maybe having a daughter one day (even though DH is dead against it!) but have recently realised that its acually just another baby I'm thinking about. It dawned on me that I would actually be more than happy with another boy, and in fact that may even be my secret preference - just need to get DH to agree

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Toppy · 07/05/2009 13:57

Ahhh Grubster - have a hand squeeze. Loads of people have had these feelings but you just don't get to hear about them apart from great places like MN where you can just wear them on your sleeve thank goodness.

I did not want to know the sex at the 20 week scan for DS but we found out accidentally and I was blue for days and felt so so ashamed that I was a bit disappointed. The reality is that when your baby arrives he will not be 'a boy' he will be just who his is and you will love him so much (and get all those gorgeous boy cuddles they are so good at)

Here is some food for thought - I am expecting #2 and I have been really hoping for a girl. REALLY hoping. Anyway I found out on Tuesday that we are having a girl and guess what - now I feel very sad for DS1 that he does not get to have a brother to eat worms with and will a DS and DD ever be that close etc. Ridiculous. I got what I'd hoped for and am now fretting.

A father of three DD's once said to me 'nothing is better than what you end up with'. It is so so true.

Lizzylou · 07/05/2009 14:03

I have two boys, 2 years apart, I always imagined that I'd have a "Topsy and Tim" set up and desperately wanted one of each sex.

My boys are so different, but so close and they are a joy, full of energy and fun.

There is no shame in being disappointed, but you will love and be amazed by your new baby boy, I am sure

ingles2 · 07/05/2009 14:28

I think Lenin mentioned personality and gender and she is completely right.
My boys are poles apart personality wise. They are nothing alike in any way which is why they get on so well I think.
You'll be amazed by your new baby boy. He will be as different from ds1 as if you had a girl.

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