How should we tell our infertile friend that I'm pregnant?

[Scampynoodle]

Yup, tonight I'm meeting friends who have been unable to conceive since their first child was born 6 years ago. It causes them enormous distress. The thing is that tonight dh and I are also telling them that I'm pregnant with our first, and possibly what will be our only, nipper.

Now, I've suffered years of infertility myself (up until I found this particular bun in my oven)so I know not to go in spilling over with excitement. I want them to know that we understand that while this may be good news for us it may make them want to smash the room up (I remember that feeling only too well when friends used to tell me their 'good news'). But I don't want to make assumptions about how they are feeling or patronise them either. They could be chuffed for all we know.

I suspect that we'll quietly tell them at the start of the evening (it's kind of daft to keep something this big to yourself until we're saying our goodbyes), not make a fuss and then only talk about it if they make the right noises. We just sooo want to do this right not least because we've put up with enormous insensitivity from fecund folk in the past.

How does that sound to you? Please let me know, chuck me a nugget, anything that you think will help.

Ta muchly

Sx

[Sheherazadethegoat]

personally i would hate it if a friend felt she had to tell me in a certain way cos of lack of success in teh ttc department.

chances are she will be over the moon for you, it is always nice to welcome someone into the parenthood club.

maybe i am not typical but i really think you should just tell her and then judge by her reaction how to proceed.

congratulations btw!

[squiffy]

I had 7 m/cs before my two children so have had this one crop up a couple of times. I suggest saying something like "we wanted you to be some of the first people we've told: we are expecting a baby on X date, but, having been in a similar position to you for so long, we fully understand if you don't want us to talk about it or to mention it when we see you"

Something like that then gives them the room to take the conversation in whatever direction they prefer.

[luckylady74]

tbh i preferred to be told over the phone via my dh iyswim - so i could have cried in the bathroom and got my happy face ready by the time i got to see them face to face - sorry if that doesn't help

[wheelsonthebus]

a friend of mine wrote me a letter to tell me she was pregnant (hardly suits yr situation i know) which enabled me to get all my tears done in private before seeing her and being able to congratulate her

[Pruners]

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[DoubleBluff]

Might be best to tel her privately beforehand.
Then she an put on a brae face when you make the announcement. I am sure sh will be very pleased for you.

[motherinferior]

I think the most important thing is to register their feelings, which you clearly have done and will continue to do.

[Sheherazadethegoat]

pruners i was one of those horrendous people when i got pregnant with dd. i now wish i had kept my big mouth shut.

[motherinferior]

Pruners .

Life stinks sometimes.

[Pruners]

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[Pruners]

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[Pruners]

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[Kewcumber]

your appraoch sounds fine. I was unable to get pregnant and would have been fine with being told that way.

I actually had more of a problem with friends with DC's moaning to me that "it isn;t all fun you know". Yes, well some of us would like a chance to find that out for outselves thank you!

[motherinferior]

One thing I've realised is that you never, ever know who might be upset at some level by the news you're pregnant. I know I used secretly to hate all my fecund friends blithely announcing it to me in my single days. And a number of friends turned out to be on the long slog to conceive, or to have wanted children in the past, when I did get pregnant.

[expatinscotland]

Congrats to you, Scampy!

You are an understanding friend.

I can't count how many people have commented to me about how fertile they are. I usually find that any sort of boasting comes back to bite you in the ass at some point. Or I think, 'If that's really you're top achievment, you're one sorry piece of work.'

[bundle]

I think keep it simple, simple language and take cues from their responses. Tell them you wanted to tell them directly, not hear it from someone else, I think that is important. And then tell them all sorts of other things - like how much you've been looking forward to seeing them and have some fun!

[motherinferior]

(oh, yes, and all those frightful smug Couples With Kids who used to say 'Our (it was always Our, they didn't have singular identities any more) friends without kids just don't seem to talk to us any more' and one had to bite back the point that perhaps they were a bit too boring and smug in their Couplykid-dome for conversation...)

[Sheherazadethegoat]

i got pregnant with dd literally first go, i was so astonished i did tell people. wasn't exactly bragging cos that would be odd. but i now realise what a pain in the arse it is to hear.

[hayley2u]

yer but what your friend will realise she islucky to have her one child. so she should be over the oon for you with this being your first. the more you worry about it the more it will be a problem.id be over the moon for you

[StormInADcup]

just be open and honest and tactful. in a suitable surrounding, say you would like to share everything with her, but only if she wants

[Pruners]

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[JeremyVile]

I have had no issues with infertility so my opinion may not be that helpful/insightful...

But personally, i think that this is wonderful news for you and whilst you clearly have great empathy for your friends' situation i really dont think you should have to be apologetic about this.

Be happy, be excited, its clear from what you say that you will do/say nothing to rub her nose in it but really, she's an adult and she will just have to deal with it.

BTW congratulations!