Telling a child about your pregnancy when there might be a problem

[bunny2]

Apologies for the clumsy title. I seem to be hijacking threads all over the place so thought I'd start my own for this question.

Yesterday my nuchal fold scan showed an increased risk of a chromosonal abnormality (1 in 44). I am 12 wk now and want to tell ds we are having a baby. He often says he wants a baby brother or sister. It would be especially lovely to tell him today on his 4th birthday. My problem is, should I tell him when statistically there is a fair chance this pregnancy is going to end in late miscarriage or stillbirth? Or do I keep it quiet and if so, for how long?

[Sonnet]

OMG - what a dilema...
If it were me I'd keep quiet.
So sorry to hear your news, are you having an amnio?. I had one with DD1 after a triple test showed 1 in 23. I know what you are going through and how you are feeling so please feel free to chat

[bunny2]

hi Sonnet, I dont want an amnio because of the mc risk (I've miscarried my last 2 pgs). There are other tests available such as serum testing and looking for other markers in a scan so I am trying to find out more about these. I desperately want to tell ds, I cant hide it forever as I am already beginning to get big. It's a tough one.

[beansprout]

Bunny - this is so hard and I fully appreciate that I don't have experience of this. I think the most important thing is that you talk to ds when you are ready. He won't guess anything for ages so you have some time. I think if you talk to him when you are anxious he will pick up on this, even if you are saying it's ok, he will know that is very definitely not.

I know it's a v different thing but we had a cot death in the family recently. One minute there were lots of little children who had an exciting new baby cousin and the next thing, they didn't. If they want to talk about their cousin, we are honest and answer their questions and talk about how it is sad etc. They tend to respond to our cue ie it's ok to talk about this and sometimes difficult and painful things happen. Much as we would want to protect them from the whole thing, we simply can't.

Best wishes to you Bunny, I've followed your threads and I'm so sorry you have to contend with something else. Much love to you xx

[Sonnet]

Oh Bunny - I didn't realise you had been through so much already.
I thought Beansprouts post was excellent..
I've thought about this again and still think I wouldn't say anything. This stems from my need to "protect" DS from sadness.

Goodluck with all the other tests I will be following your threads.
Sonnet xx

[Soapbox]

Bunny - I wouldn't say anything either!

I told my DD and DS when I was pregnant with what would have been my third child. They were quite excited etc. Needless to say I had a miscarriage and had to tell them the baby had died. They were'nt in the slightest bit affected or sad. But despite my trying very hard to see it from their point of view it was quite upsetting to me that they didn;t seem to care! Nonsence I know and I can laugh at it now but it did hurt at the time!!

As I posted yesterday on one of the other threads you have a very very good chance of having a normal pregnancy and baby at the end of it. However I would delay saying anything until you have a better picture of what is going on - having had some more scans etc done.

[oliveoil]

My friend told her children that they were going to have a new brother or sister and they were excited (3 and 5). However on a scan, there wasn't a heartbeat so she had to then tell them that there wasn't going to be a baby. The youngest one just wondered why 'mummy sad' and the older one seemed to understand more and gave her hugs etc.

What I am trying to say is that they usually notice when parents are upset and are more resilient than we perhaps give them credit for. So even if you didn't tell him about the pregnancy and something did happen, he would want to know why you were upset anyway? Maybe keep it quiet for now until you have had these other tests and then see how things lie then.

[bunny2]

Thanks eveyone. Hopefully I will have another scan soon which might show more. The thing is, when I had my last mc 6 months ago, ds picked up on the sadness and got really clingy, he cried at pre-school and was hysterical when I was taken into hospital. He knew something was wrong but I didnt tell hi what it was. I wonder if he needs to know exactly what is going on. He sees me in tears and doesnt understand why. So am I protecting him too much???

[Nimme]

Poor you Bunny2- I have seen lots our postings. Not that anybody deserves it but you have had such a raw deal.

I am 10 weeks pg and have already told DD. We were blabbing too much around her and felt she had to be told properly. We are having scan in two weeks time. I have reasoned with myself that if all is not well then we'll just tell her as it will be part of all of our lives. I am a great believer in just being open and honest.

If something goes wrong with your pregnancy will you be able to keep that from DS? Might it not be better if he knew what was going on. Having said that I don't know how old he is - and perhaps it is better until you know more....

It's a tough one. Really I think you should do what feel right to you - your DS is properly more resiliant than you re this...??

[Marina]

Bunny, what a difficult dilemma - my heart goes out to you, it really does. We held off telling ds (3.5 at the time) about my third pregnancy mainly because I could not believe we'd ever have a live baby at the end of it, but also because he had reacted very badly to Tom's death.
When we did tell him (because he asked) he was very sad and quite hostile for a couple of days, but thereafter very happy, if a bit anxious about dd until she was born.
As others have said, tell him when you feel ready. You do have some time before he will guess. Do you mind my asking if he has known about your miscarriages and how he reacted? That might be a big factor - Beansprout so movingly says you cannot shield children from death and bereavement forever, and that is so true, but there are better and worse moments to share news that even you are uncertain about how to take.
I hope whatever you decide, he has a lovely birthday. The sun is shining where I am. And I hope with all my heart that you have the happy outcome you all deserve so much. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

[bunny2]

Nimme and Oliveoil, I think I ma with you both on this one. It is my gut reaction to tell ds, not today when so much is going on with his birthday but soon. He wont be as upset as I will if I miscarry and at least he will be part of it and not excluded. I think he is old enough to be frightened by my tears if he doesnt know why I am crying.

[Marina]

Oh fiddlesticks, I took ages writing and our posts crossed Bunny.
Given how sad he was with your last m/c, and his age, I think you need to tell him in simple terms that you have a baby in your tummy but the doctors want to keep an eye on you in case the baby is unwell. Ds asked us a lot once he knew about dd if she was going to die too, and we simply answered that the doctors were keeping a special eye on her, that it was OK to be concerned because we were too and we didn't mind him asking questions.
I had tears in my eyes when you described how he reacted. It brings it all back. You want so much to protect them completely, but you can't.

[bunny2]

Thank you for a lovely post Marina. Ds doesnt know about my previous miscarriages, I didnt credit him with enough understanding. I think I should have told him about the last one as he was 3.5 and probably could have understood. As Beansprout put so well in her post, you cant protect children forevr, they do have to learn about the sadder apsects of life too.

[webmum]

Hi bunny2

we keep meeitng all over the place!

We've just told dd (I'm 16 weeks), because I already have a bump and everyone knows anyway and I didn't want her to hear it from someone else.

You know from my other posts that we also have a small chance something may be wrong and that we won't know anything until the cardiac scan at 20 weeks to know. By then I will be far too big for DD not to notice, so there was no point in waiting any longer. (she had already started staring at my tummy)

Play it by ear, wait as long as you can, but if you think ds is suspecting something and you're afraid he might feel left out tell him. That's what I would do.

On the contrary if you think you can keep it from him until you know something at 20 weeks and that makes you more comfortable, by all means do it, but it won't be easy to hide a late m/c, stillbirth from him, and he's bound to notice that something major has happened.

We all want to keep under wraps forever but we cannot do that, and I suppose if something happens in the family they have a right to know, as much as they can understand and deal with. At such a young age their ability to recover is much better than ours!!!!

Anyway, just do what you and your dh most feel confortable with, and if you decide not to say anything make sure everyone else knows!

(we had someone recently who was about to ask dd what she thought of teh new baby, when she didn't know yet and we had to jump over them to shut them up! And dd looke at us if we were mad!)

[Sonnet]

Hi Bunny2,
Just read about ds's reaction to your miscarriage - I've now changed my mind and would tell him...

[webmum]

It took me so long to write my post that I just repeated (in a clumsier way) what others had just said...sorry

[Jimjams]

bunny2 - have you been told your age alone risk? I can look it up- but can't find the book! Will try to find it later for you. Is 1 in 44 that much higher? It may not be........

Anyway point being- I think you said on the other thread that you would keep a baby with DS and similar- so you may as well tell your son now. If the baby does turn out to have a problem (and remember the odds are well and truly that it WON'T) you would still have plenty of time to explain.

Children are very accepting. Especially of siblings- as its just their normality. Ds2 (2 last jan) doesn't bat an eyelid when ds1 is doing something really odd- in fact he usually copies which is embarrassing (with a confused "why a I sniffing this trampoline?" look on his face.)

The other reaosn I think its important to say something- is because if the worst does happen and he overhears snatches of conversation he may to come to the conclusion that he did something wrong and damaged the baby. Keep it simple but tell him about the baby- and if you need to explain further in the future do.

[oliveoil]

Good last point jimjams, I hadn't thought of things like that, their minds link things in ways we wouldn't.

(my friends child was really upset when she was told they were going to have a new baby. They were racking their brains as to why then she told them she would be upset as she would have to leave. Turns out they had got a new car a few weeks before and in her mind, new car = get rid of old car meant the same with her and the new baby).

[BigBird]

hey Bunny - no advice really, just wanted to say I hope things go OK and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your DS !

[bunny2]

Well, I tolds ds at last and he is so happy. He keeps kissing my tummy and saying how much he loves the baby. He wants us to go out and buy him/her a rattle. I so glad to share our news with him. I figured even if something goes wrong now, he will have to be involved so why not tell him and let him become included in all the excitement. Thanks for all your kind words and advice

Only one problem - he wants ot call the baby Babboon or Radiator - where doe they get these ideas from?????????

[Nimme]

Bunny2 - so happy for you all.

Granted Babboon or Radiator not the cutest of names - but original!
DD wants to call the baby Sylvester - after the nursery's dead rat!!!

[Marina]

ds wanted Eric or Erica for ours, bunny. Nothing against these per se but they would sound ludicrous with our surname...Nimme, .
So glad he was pleased for you. Hoping that in due course his baby sibling will bring him as much happiness as dd has brought to our ds. They are amazingly close and it's one of the big advantages of a four year age gap, however much heartache is behind that interval.
Ds also bought her a rattle from his pocket money btw and it is one of her favourite toys.

[hopejoy]

Hello Bunny 2 - feel almost like crying when I read this thread. I kind of face a similar dilemma. My dd1 has just turned 4 and I am nearly 9 weeks. We dont know whether to tell her until it is really obvious or what to say. Our dd2 was stillborn (just before she was due). It was heartbreaking for dd1 - she was so looking forward to her sister. She couldnt comprehend what had happened - "The baby didnt come home beacuse she doesnt like me" she said. I can't write much more about this as it is breaking my heart.

But anyway, she throws money into wishing wells and asks for a baby and I so hope we can give her a baby sister or brother this time. But pessimism becomes part of pregnancy when things have gone wrong. You have lost that lovely naivity and simple feeling that,yes, in a few months you will bring home a baby. I think we will wait until after the 20 week scan (if I get that far!!)before we say. I think that when you get to a point where you cant hid the bump you need to have told your child - otherwise some well meaning stranger will ask your child "are you looking forward to having a new baby sister or brother?"

Bunny2 - I do think that sometimes these nuchal scans can cause terrible worry for no reason - I certainly hope there is no reason. I am not having one because I wouldn't have an amnio or terminate late on (after losing a child I would find it impossible to do this unless a detailed scan later on suggested this was the only course of action) I am thinking of you!

[webmum]

hopejoy

that must have been terrible, I'm sos orry for your dd, poor thing, and for you, of course.

Hope everything goes well this time round, and if you decide not to tell your dd make sure everyone knows, we had to give more than kick under the table when dd still did not know to relatives and friends....also at 4 she might be able to pick up a lot more than you think!!

(My friends son , he was about 4, commented on the size of her boobs when she was still only 12 weeks pregnant!!! he did not know what it meant of course, but it does make think!!)

lots of luck!!!

[bunny2]

hopejoy, my heart goes out to you. It is a difficult dliemma to face, more so for you as both you and your dd have already faced a very sad loss. I was going to wait until my anomoly scan but, like you, I wouldnt have a termination whatever the scan result was so that is why I told ds now. I decided that, for me, waiting until I was well out of the miscarriage zone (mine were 12 and 14 wks) before telling ds was a good idea. Once I got past that stage I did relax a tiny bit but it is still a fraught time - I still bleed on and off and worry about the nuchal. I just felt I couldnt hide it any more, because my bump was starting to show and because people kept mentioning it. I know you will find the right time to tell dd, let us know how it goes.

[hopejoy]

There doesn't seem to be any end to all the worries does there bunny2!! I bled a little yesterday (well just tiny spotting) and immediately spiralled into depression. I miscarried, very early, at 5 and a half weeks just before becoming pregnant this time and it started with similar spotting. On the other hand my second period is due around now, I'm 8+4 weeks) and I have always bled a little at this point in pregnancy. However, I feel so stressed today. Am I still feeling sick? Has my tummy gone down? Why on earth does pregnancy have to last for 9 months - I'm at the end of my tether now!!