Left it too late to have third child?

[lilacdays]

I am 43 and have a DD13 and DS10. I had a mirena coil for 7 years after DS was born, which was advised due to very heavy periods. My DH always wanted 3 children but I had always imagined having two, and he didn't push the issue. Over the past couple of years I have found myself longing for another child. I have recently had the coil removed due to side effects and the broody feelings have increased - possibly hormonal. I think I feel "normal" again for the first time in years. We have talked about perhaps having one more try. However, we have some anxieties. We have been blessed with two healthy children and are aware of increased risks to older mother and child (DH is 43 also). We wonder about the effects on the family of having another baby when the older two are now so much more independent; we enjoy lots of activities together and a baby would change our routine a good deal. We wonder about how it would be to start again socially with a new set of postnatal parents, when we are already the parents of a teen and a tween. How would it be for the child to have two much older siblings who will eventually move out? Finally, we wonder about if we'll remain healthy and active for the next 18 years. We have a number of friends who had children in their (very) early 40s who are some of the most energetic parents we know, however!

Of course this may all be academic as we don't even know if I could conceive again. I don't feel I can talk to friends as I feel as though I must come across as ungrateful for what I already have. Have I left it too late? Anyone else had a similar experience? Thank you.

[ExitStageLeft]

I think a third child can only ever be a blessing but I'd worry about the practicalities of "starting again."

Really wish you the best and send you positive wishes for a healthy pregnancy if you choose that path. How do you think your older two would react?

[lilacdays]

Thank you for your kind words. The older two are desperate for a dog, rather more ambivalent about a sibling! DS13 loves small children generally. DS10 says proposed sibling would be too young to play with for some years. Fair point. I feel sad that DH wanted three but I talked him out of it. I feel so different after the coil was removed that I'm sure the hormones played a role. I don't have a rose-tinted memory of first and second time around - both were colicky non-sleepers - but I feel sad that the primary school years are nearly over. Perhaps that happens to lots of us. Until this year I was working 3.5 days a week in a demanding job. I ran around like crazy to make sure I never missed a school event and was there after school as much as possible. We had support from a grandparent and I don't think the children missed out, but I completely exhausted myself and feel like the last 13 years have somehow passed without me having time to stop and just enjoy them. I have taken a sabbatical this year and I suppose I have too much time to think! DH would still have loved 3 but now says he doesn't want to be the older dad at the school gates, over 60 when they are 18 etc.

[PannaDoll]

Why not just 'see what happens' when you come off contraception. Nature may make the decision for you. It's a tough call with the age difference but you might regret not trying more than you regret going for it (ifyswim).

[lilacdays]

PannaDoll, I do see what you mean. I think generally in life we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do. We threw caution to the wind last night, but DH had second thoughts this morning and really feels it is too late for us. I am in tears, having just taken the morning-after pill. I guess I should have just gone for it a few years ago, but circumstances and mindset were different then. I am so fortunate to have two children; I need to let it go but just feeling very sad. Thank you for your message.

[PannaDoll]

Good luck. It's a massive decision either way xx

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

In your position I would count your blessings and leave well alone.

[Superexcited]

Similar aged children to yourself but I am in my thirties. I am pregnant with number 3.
I am worried about family time and not being able to all go to the cinema etc but the children are very excited about having a new sibling.
I didn't want to get to my mid forties and really regret not completing the family.

[BatteryPoweredHen]

I am a 'last chance' child, 10 years younger than my 3 siblings who are very close in age.

I absolutely hated it, the low-level bullying that persisted for most if my childhood was really unpleasant. Now we are all adults, I am patronised and 'parented' in a really inappropriate way by them, the dynamic is really difficult.

I feel quite resentful towards my parents too as I see my birth as a selfish act on their part, with very little consideration for how it would affect me.

Imo, you missed your chance at no 3 and need to live with that decision.

[Superexcited]

battery I am the youngest of 7, no more than 16 months between any of us, I was bullied relentlessly and infantilised by my siblings. I don't think it is age gaps between siblings that causes the problem.

[JugglingLife]

Hi OP, my Dsis is 14 years younger than me - and 15/16 years younger than my dbro and older Dsis. We adored (and still adore) her. She is now 30 with 2 little ones of her own. The far bigger impact I think will be on you and your DH, we have 3 DCs who are now 13, 11 and 7. It's hard work and quite relentless. Now and again I do wonder what it would have been like with 2, and the honest answer is that it would have been easier, a lot easier. Still wouldn't change it for the world though.

[BatteryPoweredHen]

Super believe me, it is a lot worse with an age gap like this. When I was 20, they were all 30 or thereabouts and of course I was immature, making mistakes while they sneered on.

Being a lot further on in their careers, they were more financially secure then me, thrusting me permanently into the role of 'poor relation'

There is no guarantee of these things being true, of course, but all other things being equal, someone 10 years further into their career will be earning more, and will be a more mature individul.

There will always be edge cases that buck this trend, but it is just disingenuous to suggest that there is no greater risk of this situation occurring with an age gap.

[Orangeanddemons]

I had dd at 42. I love her to bits, but wouldn't advise it tbh.

I will have to work for much longer to support her through uni. I feel old and tired a lot of the time. She complains I'm no fun, and I wonder if I would have been different if I was younger.

[Superexcited]

battery having been beaten black and blue by my siblings throughout my childhood I don't agree that an age gap would have made things worse. I am the youngest of 7, my oldest brother is 9 years older than me and has achieved much less in his life. He is well into his forties and doesn't own a house or have a decent job (none of my siblings do). On the other hand my DSS who is15 years older than my eldest DS gets on really well with my DS. They have a much better relationship than I have with any of my siblings (4 I haven't spoken to for many years and the other 2 I only speak to if we are at mums at the same time). It's about much more than just age gaps.

[ToddlingAlong1]

I come from a family of similar set up. There is a 2 year gap between my older sister and myself and then a 7 year age gap between me and younger sister. I am very close with my older sister, but have never really got on with the younger one. We were away at school, so she was really brought up as an only child. Even my older sis does not have a particularly close relationship with her. It has got easier as we have got older, but she is still quite spoilt. We kind of felt that she got a lot of the attention, (probably due to age, she needed it!), but it did affect family relationships.

If it were me I would probably leave well alone at this point. You sound like you have a happy family as it is. Good luck with what you decide.

[lilacdays]

Thank you all for your honesty and helpfulness.

[Loyse]

Hi personally I wouldnt. My mum says she was v broody around that age when me and an were about 13 and 10. She'd been sterilised though. Now aged 66 she says she's grateful she couldn't get pregnant and stopped at 2.
I have 4 but the age gaps mean I've never had my freedom back so easier.

[BatteryPoweredHen]

Super your situation sounds pretty extreme, and IMO falls into the 'edge cases' that I mentioned. It isn't normal to be beaten by your siblings, nor for 6 out of 7 siblings to have achieved neither job nor home ownership in their lives. I therefore think you can't really generalise based on such an extreme scenario. It sounds awful though

I still stand by my point though that, in the normal run of things, a huge age gap between a cluster of siblings and a lone late child creates an awkward dynamic.

FWIW, I think the relationships between DSC are quite different and can't really be compared like for like. Doesn't stop me fretting that my as yet unborn DC will have a similar problem though, as his DSBrother and DSSister will also always be 10-15 older than him. I hope being aware of this dynamic and how it affected me will help me manage it better

[Stinkylinky]

There is an 8 year age gap between my DB and I. I hated it growing up, I thought he was the bee knees but he was too old for any activities that I could partake in so we spent very little time together, I felt like a bit of an only child.

We are close now we are older but I remember spending a lot of my childhood feeling alone

[Superexcited]

Yes battery, I agree that my situation is extreme but I suppose we base a lot of our thoughts on our own experiences and my experience of being in a close age sibling group was very unpleasant. In addition to the physical abuse there was also sexual abuse (which my parents still don't know about) and I suppose I reasoned in my mind that if my siblings had been much older and had girlfriends or boyfriends then it probably wouldn't have happened (especially as they all moved out soon after reaching 17 and the abuse only started when the oldest was in his teens).

I do understand the points you make about a close age sibling group and then another much younger child.

[newbian]

It's impossible to know what sibling dynamics will be. Some older children love having a baby sibling (e.g. DH is 11 years older than his sister, they get along great).

I would go off the BC and see what happens. Don't go all hardcore TTC or see fertility doctors, just leave it to nature. That's the only way you are going to get an answer that you'll be able to accept.

[Ratfinkandbobo]

I have massive age gaps between first two dc's and last two.
My eldest were 19 and 17 when I had twins. The extra hands were very helpful.

[Orangeanddemons]

My dd is 9, the next youngest is 12 years older. They get along just fine. There's no sneering or nastiness, they all just look after her and watch out for her. Ds age21 plays minecraft and Terrairia with her.

[stormyboots]

I feel that with such an age gap between siblings, this 'new' baby would be like an only child and this would be a drawback for me.

[Tranquilitybaby]

I'll let you know in June, I have exactly the same age gaps as you. I'm 37 though.

Only difference i've found trying again being older, I suffered a ruptured ectopic then a chemical pregnancy last year. We were very lucky to fall again with me only having one tube.

Our children are so excited and I feel really confident this time tound.

Go for it x