5 weeks pregnant and feeling super sensitive

[MightyQuin1201]

I got my bfp last Wednesday and both DH & I were thrilled as we have been trying for a year. I decided to tell a few key people who could be supportive if things don't work out- best friend, who lives abroad, my mum & my sister.

I've had one of my closest and oldest friends come to stay this weekend and she knows DH & I have been trying for a while, so I finally told her this morning after she'd been quizzing me about not drinking etc. She was definitely less enthusiastic than I had hoped and then proceeded to tell me how most women our age (39) will have a miscarriage first time anyway. She had already told me that she and her other half had decided to put off trying until after the summer so it's not like she could be jealous.

Later this pm I had a bit of a meltdown as I had worked hard feeding loads of guests (all planned before bfp), and felt like my DH was being selfish and she turned round and said "you signed up for this" meaning the pregnancy and the emotional turmoil that brings.

Feeling pretty miserable and scared about everything now, in bed, while they're all downstairs.

[amy83firsttimer]

I would say she's lying about putting off trying til after summer and she's upset that you beat her to it. She might also be trying to make sure you're aware you're not guaranteed to have no problems so as to try and protect you a bit if something does go wrong, but mainly she sounds jealous. I would tell her that what she said really upset you as you're happy that you're pregnant and need positivity and support not doom-mongering!

[Observer78]

I agree with Amy for most part. Perhaps because I'm a people watcher (and an old cynic) I'd say the comment about the miscarriage was plain nasty. If I was trying to protect someone - I'd 1) keep something like that out 2) would simply say to take it easy, day by day (surely that's a clear enough message of "warning", especially as I'd assume the said friend has some background knowledge on miscarriage stats, etc.)
She is definitely jealous. Though I hate to admit it but I'd say most of us aren't the sophisticated grown ups we think we are when it comes to things that make us vulnerable. It was almost a childlike reaction, as though she's just been denied the chocolate bar she wanted ever so much, predictable reaction normally is,"I didn't want it anyway."

[MightyQuin1201]

Yes, I spoke to my sister this morning, and she too felt said friend had a jealous reaction. The thing is, I know that had she told me she was expecting before I got my bfp, I am pretty certain I would have felt terribly jealous, but I wouldn't dream of saying such a thing to anyone. And the fact that she was siding with my DH etc. I just need to let go, but I am sad about the whole thing and I can't help thinking that if I do have a mc all she will say is I told you so and offer no sympathy whatsoever.

[Donkle]

How come she's the one dishing out all the pregnancy advice when you're the one that's pregnant?

I don't think you're being sensitive and actually feel really bad for you, screw blaming your hormones - your mate is an idiot.

Anyone who feels the need to share their horror stories or opinions (I've had a couple from people ID NEVER HAVE EXPECTED, and I'm 7.5 weeks) is a moron and should f* directly off.

She signed up to being a mate, and it looks like she's voided her contract. It took me and my DH over a year to conceive also, whilst all our friends were falling pregnant around us. We remained consistently happy for all of them and when I think what sort of insensitive idiot I'd have to be to make a miscarriage reference I actually find myself shaking my head at your 'mate'.

Enjoy your pregnancy and when you feel happy then scream it from the roof tops. Don't let some sour grapes ruin your wine. Congratulations to you and your husband and well bloody done for managing to cook for that many! I certainly wouldn't!

Sam x

[MightyQuin1201]

Thanks Sam for the message- it made me cry actually! Mainly because it was so supportive, but I think my hormones are playing havoc with my emotions too. How many weeks are you now?

Thanks Amy & observer for your words of wisdom too. I have bipolar disorder which presents strongly with anxiety, which is associated with mc so I'm trying not to let it prey on my mind- I don't think my 'expert' friend realises this though.

Xx

[whenskiesareblue]

I agree with previous posts - she sounds jealous. I can totally understand why you feel upset. You've shared your news and she's made the moment sad/upsetting for you then made you feel isolated.

I can understand why she might feel jealous if she's planning a pregnancy too, but she should have tried a lot harder to put on a smile and say the right things!

Look after yourself and try not to be upset.

[Donkle]

Aw bless you, I'm about 7.5 weeks now so really not that far ahead of you!

I don't suffer from depression, but my sister and father are bipolar and I have my fair share of issues with anxiety. Ironically it's a cruel cycle though, once you jump on you can't get off, I'm sure that in a week or so you'll be too tired to exhaust your emotions getting anxious - there's definitely been that benefit for me. I was google obsessed for a while but that's even calming down now... Touch wood. Everyone here is so supportive and I find coming here takes the edge off :)

Please don't blame it just on hormones though, she was and continues to be wrong, offensive and rude. It's not your problem for ownership.

Try not to worry, I know it's easier said than done but find ways of busying your mind. I downloaded some interactive games meant for people 20 years younger than me and registered with Netflix.

Have you seen your midwife yet? I only had my first app last week but they discuss anxiety and depression, so be sure and bring it up - they're completely supportive and wonderful and just a phone call away once you have one. They give a great perspective that's put my mind, not at rest, but not insanely going over every tiny detail to the point of self destruct!

Again I wish you all the best, it's a wonderful time x

[CoolCat2014]

She does sound jealous to me, otherwise her comments were just mean! A good friend protects you from the horror stories (except the comical baby poop everywhere type ones), not scares you!

Try to relax and stay calm about it all. Give yourself some time to rest and just enjoy :) and surround yourself with positive people as much as you can x

[squizita]

She's being mean and jealous.

I have one friend like that. Good friend except when it comes to babies etc' ... essentially she's adamant that my body (i.e. all of me not stitches down there) will be annihilated and I will be fat and 10 years older, won't be able to cope, will never wear make-up again and will be a drudge etc'. She absolutely relishes telling me this. This is in spite of her lectures being in the same room as several other women with several kids each, who all look perfectly fine and tell very different versions.

[AMI88]

She is being so nasty! She sounds like one of those people (we all know one) who has an opinion about everything and says what they want, but dresses it up as "just being honest".

I think we all know the risks carrying a child when you are older, all she needed to say to show her support is, take it easy, look after yourself, and don't try and push yourself to do too much, now isn't the time.

If I was you, give this person a wide berth for a couple of weeks, book yourself into the hairdressers/get your nails done/yoga session (or all three) and just have some you time.

She will soon realise how cruel she was and with any luck she will apologise. Jealousy is a really ugly trait, we all feel it from time to time, try to not let you bother you!

Xx

[RetroHippy]

My SIL was super cautious all the way through her pregnancy. Down to leaving the labels on everything she'd bought in case she had to return them

I am now 5 weeks and was expecting a similar, cautious reaction from her. I got exactly the opposite; advice on how to get enough calcium, suggestions for what to buy now whilst it's on sale and an insistent request to plan my baby shower. She may have had a little but it was exactly what I needed and made me feel more excited about the pregnancy. That is what a friends reaction should be.

Is there any chance she could be post-mc and trying to warn you? Or perhaps a little depressed herself? I only say this because SIL was most definitely not well during the latter stages of pregnancy which was making her more negative and cautious, and MIL was also very, very depressed at the time and was very concerned right up to the birth.

[squizita]

Retro yes there are some who react badly post MC and in their pain don't realise. I once had a convo seriously suggesting nappy aisles should be covered up like tobacco in supermarkets as they were shameful examples of women "flaunting fertility".
Sadly what is deep deep trauma can come out as bitterness, if its shocking to a fellow MC victim I can imagine how it must seem to others!

I am one of those who won't buy things etc! But would never dream of letting my caution upset someone else.

[Noappointmentnecessary]

Omg what a cow - get rid. This is your moment, not hers!! I'm about 5 weeks pregnant too. I'm so tired - I have a nap everyday - lol x

[MightyQuin1201]

I've been having a bit of a terrible day today, worrying about everything going wrong. And I'm so tired at work- I have a pretty hefty commute, which doesn't help. And I keep busting into tears.

[RetroHippy]

Bless you, it's horrid isn't it? I've gone to bed, just couldn't stay awake. And I'm on half term so not even working! Is your OH with you to give you a hug and an herbal ?

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed this evening too. We're moving house on Friday and I could just cry there's so much to do and I've got loads to do for work too, just not going to find the time.

And all I want to do is eat, sleep and pee!

Why not come over to the dragon's Ante-Natal thread? Loads of lovely supportive ladies there. Or the January Babies thread (if you're not there already?) it really helps to have a bunch of strangers to whinge at

[RetroHippy]

January Babies

[RetroHippy]

Penis Dragons probably best not to ask why. They're a bonkers friendly bunch!

[MightyQuin1201]

I'm frwaking out as I have forgotten to take pregnancy vitamins 2 days in a row!! Is this a disaster?

[RetroHippy]

Nope. Plenty of people don't even realise they're pregnant for ages and keep drinking etc never mind not taking vits! If you eat really healthily you probably don't even need them (my eating habits aren't great, trying to make more of an effort now, but taking vits just in case) Just start again now

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

No it's not, do not let her make you feel bad about anything she was a bitch to say that.

[MightyQuin1201]

I've now completely fallen out with this friend as I tried to explain to her why I felt hurt. I think it all boils down to jealousy and resentment on her part. She wrote me an incredibly mean and passive aggressive email, which included the following paragraph: "Maybe motherhood will serve to recalibrate your priorities and we'll find ourselves on the same page again but for now I think some distance is for the best."

Sorry to use this space to moan, but she has really hurt me and I don't really have an outlet. I'm 7 weeks today and full of anxiety as I feel my symptoms are going away.

[Fitzers]

My symptoms disappeared for a bit around 7 weeks but came back a week or so later. Really worried me at the time but all was well.

I think for your own sake you need to distance yourself from your friend. Dont chase after her, don't contact her, she would probably love to know she has you worked up. I'd ignore her completely but if you really want to respond I'd write something along the lines of ' I agree a bit of distance would be good. I need to concentrate on myself and the baby and focus on those who are being supportive and kind. Those are my priorities at present.'

[MightyQuin1201]

Hi Fitzers
I actually replied with something very similar to that and hoped that would be that and she came back with an even worse email- really nasty, really passive aggressive and clearly illustrating that she had a ton of built up resentment towards me going back a while. She leads an alternative lifestyle living on a houseboat, working two days a week & I work in a fairly stressful job (for an NGO) in London. My DH & I recently bought a lovely house in a nice town and I think that deep down this is what she wants. We lead fairly simple lives and certainly don't have a lot of money, but we have worked hard. Her email was just full of references to material goods coming ahead of friendships etc. as if I was Kim Kardashian- I'm just not hat type!

[MightyQuin1201]

*that type! Sorry!

[Fitzers]

I think you know the problem lies with her and not you. You are better off now without someone like that who can't be happy for you. Try as best you can to focus on the good things, especially the baby. I wouldn't contact her again. All the very best with the pregnancy!