Am I selfish for wanting a girl so badly?

[cherryberry01]

I know this sounds selfish & should be happy no matter what I have as long as the baby is healthy but i really long for a girl. I already have a little boy who is 5yrs & when I found out with him I was deverstated. My partner wants a boy so one of us will be happy. My little boy keeps asking for a baby sister & I really hope to give him a little sister. I wont be finding out the sex this time as my partner would like the surprise. Is it normal to feel like this I just have a feeling this is going to be a boy.

[buttonmoon78]

Are you pg already?

You are going to have to be prepared to get a bit of heaviness on this thread. It is a v emotive subject TBH.

Why do you want a girl so badly? It is, in one sense, pretty daft for having a baby just to have a girl. The stats are 51/49% in favour of having a boy.

[Happygomummy]

I think it is possibly acceptable to have a mild preference, but to be "devastated" at the arrival of a beautiful healthy boy is , in my mind, u acceptable.

Perhaps if you visited some threads where people discuss the heartbreak of either losing a beloved and wanted baby, or ones where people are struggling to get pregnant you may appreciate what you have a little more?

Every baby is a miracle, a blessing and it is heartbreaking when this is not appreciated by the parents.

[harassedinherpants]

I recognise this post....... I have you posted it elsewhere??

Great that you'd like a girl, stupid, inconsiderate and unacceptable to say that you'll be "devastated". Devastated was what I was after losing two babies so far this year!! And even more devastated is what I'll be tomorrow if this prg has gone wrong.....

Posts like this make me fume!

[ManicAnnie]

I won't flame you, but it is totally unreasonable to get pregnant knowing full well that you will be 'devastated' if you have a girl. If you really feel this irrational and desperate about it, perhaps you shouldn't have another a child.

[peanuthead]

Selfish no, ungrateful in the extreme, yes. Try infertility coupled with losing my first boy at 17 weeks and my next boy at 19 weeks. And I have been told I am unlikely to get pg again.

Nice for your little boy too that you were devastated when you found out you were having him.

[BertieBasset]

If it is so important to you I would suggest you do find out what you are having. If it is a boy you will have chance to come to terms with this, rather than after what may be a stressful/long labour.

[Mum2be79]

I think you need to choose your emotive words a little more carefully. I think most people have a preference but to say you would be 'devastated' ... it seems you don't know the meaning of the word. :(

[lolajane2009]

Even after 8 years of trying for the baby inside me I had a preference but all i wanted was a happy healthy baby and it scares me that some people are so upset by what they get as surely the child must sense it. I have to admit my devatstation would never have been over the sex as true devastation was my past mcs and being told I would never conceive and carry to term.

[ShowOfHands]

Oh dear.

Gender preference/disappointment is something that unless you've experienced it, you don't understand it. It's not a choice in a lot of cases. You don't wake up and decide to feel unhappy about something for kicks. There are so many reasons why people have preferences and sometimes they're due to psychological issues, fear of replicating a previously bad relatiosnship, fear of the unknown. It's not cherishing of one gender over another, it's a visceral reaction.

And it's so very important to separate it from things like infertility or miscarriage. People who have a preference or experience disappointment aren't ungrateful or unaware of other people's issues. We as sentient beings don't filter our experiences through those of others. I am allowed to be upset if I break my leg, I don't have to hide it because Tom next door but one doesn't have a leg and I should just be grateful. Feelings don't work like that and telling people that they should measure their feelings against the experiences of others lacks empathy.

Rarely does the preference for a gender end in actual disappointment with the child you have and actually if it does I'm still sympathetic because you're probably very unhappy and need help not derision or telling off.

OP, you will probably adore the baby you have as the unique and wonderful person it is. It's easy for me to say gender is irrelevant and personality everything because it is true but when you're in the clutches of a desire for something you've imagined and dreamt about, it's hard to believe it. Please don't feel we all judge you. It's a complicated thing, just as any emotion is and I have every confidence that you will adore your baby, whoever they are. But please don't feel ashamed, it's more common that you think and these threads make it hard for people to admit it.

[mytime777]

As a child when I looked to my future (playing mums and dads etc as young girls do) I always envisaged that I would get married, then have 2 baby girls. Having been with my partner for 4 years we have been recently discussing starting a family and he is adamant we would have boys; mainly as he has lots of boys in his family and hardly any girls - not that this has that much to do with it. I did step back and pause for thought as I had never imagined myself having boys but I think this is purely down to the fact that growing up with one sister, in a family full of girls thats all i was used to.
Recently everyone around me has had baby boys and now I have realised that whilst my 'view of how my life/family ' would be when i was younger, as long as you have happy healthy babies it doesnt matter what sex they are. Its ok to have a preference in your own mind but i agree being 'devastated' is a little harsh.

[Rootatoot]

I just want to support what ShowofHands said. What a very eloquent and sensitive response. I am having a boy but I will admit that I wanted a girl and it's taken me a few weeks to get my head around it. I don't think it makes me a bad person that I had a preference. I have my reasons for feeling the way I did but I'm happy to say, that it was the right decision to find out the sex, as now I've got my head round it, it's great and feel genuinely happy about my little boy to be now.

I totally echo what Showofhands said. We do not experience our emotions through the feelings of others. If we are depressed, it rarely helps to be told of people who have it worse than us and that we should just pull ourselves together.

I think perhaps cherryberry has not expressed herself in the best way possible. I'm sure that she wasn't saying that she doesn't love her little boy and if this baby is a boy, she will love him too, but I do think it is perfectly valid and common to have feelings such as these regarding gender preference.

I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has suffered the pain and heartache of miscarriage or infertility, but whilst I can understand people being upset in that position that they perceive the poster to be ungrateful, I'm sure she wasn't comparing herself to anyone who is unfortunately in those circumstances.

I think there should be room here to understand someone feeling upset about gender for her own reasons, whilst not taking away from anyone experiencing tragedy or loss.

[ManicAnnie]

I understand what SOH is saying. It isn't wrong to have feelings of disappointment. But the OP needs to examine these feelings and work through them, for the sake of her child.

[Rootatoot]

Yes, fair comment to suggest OP should examine feelings.

That is healthy for her and baby and family. I know my own reasons for originally wanting a girl which is why I wanted to find out if was a boy and now I know, I have dealt with initial disappointment and feel good about it now.

I hope cherry can work through it like you suggest. Just felt a bit sorry that she might not feel able to talk on MN perhaps about it after such an emotive response from many of the posters.

[MovingAndScared]

Just to say I have two boys -I would have liked a daughter -again I am clear of the reasons why - I choose to find out with my 2nd so I would have longer to process it if baby was a boy - however I do love my DS2 hughly - but me it was a preference not that I was devastated- but what I would say is 2 boys is lovely

[lilysma]

I also want to echo what rootatoot and showofhands have said. I do understand that some of the other contributors are speaking from a place of desperate hurt and loss that I have not experienced and could never judge, and maybe OP did not choose her words carefully enough. But posting here is a way of trying to work through feelings and she does realise already by the sounds of things that these are not 'acceptable' feelings. Sometimes 'unacceptable' feelings can ambush you from nowhere.

Just to share my experience, I have a DD (now 4) and am 7 months pregnant with DS (according to the scan, anyway!). I didn't think I cared about the gender of this baby but asked to know at the scan because DD was so adamant that she wanted a sister and I thought we should prepare her for the other possibility. She was a little upset and then adjusted very quickly and I think it was the right decision for her. I, however, was unexpectedly very upset and was in tears for days - but did my best to conceal it because I knew it was 'unacceptable'.

I have thought through the reasons why I was upset, which are many and think I have worked it through - I don't feel upset as such anymore and know I already love this baby and will do so more and more as I get to know him as an individual not as a gender. However, I do still have some sadness, which I hope will go over time. I agree this in no way comparable to the loss of a baby and it would be trite to even try to compare it, and having struggled to conceive this baby for 18 months (and lost a pregnancy previously) I am very aware how lucky I am to have him. But I don't think OP was trying to compare her feelings to losing a baby, even if the word 'devastated' suggested that to some.

Cherryberry, would you consider trying to find out the sex of the baby? If you feel this way it might be better to work through the feelings now rather than when the baby arrives? I am really glad I did, even though it was hard for a while. Either way I know it is hard to deal with unacceptable feelings. I found there are quite a few resources and discussion threads on 'gender disappointment' (try googling that) to be found on the web which did help me process my feelings, even if it seems that support is thin on the ground on Mumsnet. Good luck and I hope you find a way to feel positive and enjoy your pregnancy and your baby when s/he arrives!

[exoticfruits]

I think it is much better not to have expectations. It is 50/50. Just keep an open mind. A baby is a gift, not a commodity.(boys are lovely-spoken by someone with all boys!)

[lilysma]

Yes, of course it is much better not to have expectations. But this doesn't always mean that we don't have any and they can be fairly unconscious and can come up unexpectedly. Feelings are complex and don't just go away by being told not to have them!

[eurochick]

I've been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for 6 months. I'd just like a baby. Please. Any flavour.

[exoticfruits]

Best to think of it before being pregnant though -and thinking that there is a 50% chance of a boy. Assume it will be a boy and you will be pleasantly surprised if it is a girl.

[Anythingwithagiraffeonit]

Although I think you've worded it a bit heavily I completely understand what you mean.

When DH and I decided to TTC, I wanted a baby... But I REALLY wanted a girl. I read about techniques to have a girl, foods to eat, when in your cycle was most likely and followed the doctor shettles method.. (though probably all completely rubbish)

I would buy pink clothes and toys and hide them away and became really obsessed with having a girl, planning what we would do together, that I would take her horseriding and to ballet.

I found out I was pregnant and ended up with terrible hyperemesis, with everyone telling me being so sick meant a girl, I picked a name (stupidly) and we called my bump by the name.

When I went for a gender scan at 16 weeks I cried all the way there, knowing they were going to say it was a boy. Not because I wouldn't have loved a boy but because I felt so attached to the baby girl that I think I would have almost felt like I'd lost her.

They said girl, and I've never been so happy in my life.

But I do think that having high expectations of one sex or the other can really set you up for a fall. If I'm ever pg again I'm going to just not find out!

(and we used the 'bumps' name for our DD!)

[MrsVidic]

I can understand the disappointment, I never thought I would, until I experienced it myself. I have a dd and was so sure I was having a boy this time I was gutted when I found out I was carrying a second girl. I love my babies, I love having a girl and got my head round it pretty quick. The thing that helped me was talking about it. I am really glad I found out at 20 weeks so I could deal with it, I was so wrapped up in the boy I felt I was loosing I forgot all the lovely things about the girl I was gaining.
I don't think you are being insensitive or unreasonable for posting on here as it really helped me.

[cherryberry01]

I am sorry for the upset ive caused on here and yes I shouldnt of used deverstated im never am good with my words. I was a little gutted to re frame it. But when i had my boy it never meant I loved him any less & this baby will be so precious & loved as soon as I hold him or her. People are quick to jum down peoples throats on here & I dont think I will be posting on here again. I didnt get preg so I cant just have a girl, I was infact on the pill when I concieved so it was abit off a shock. There is other reason as to why I would like a girl due to family stuff but I feel I cant explain on here now, & no I havent posted this somewhere else before.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

OP, I was going to ask you whether your preference the first time around lasted after you'd met your son. You say it didn't, so I'm assuming (anyone who knows more about gender disappointment feel free to correct me) that if you have a second son, you'll not carry any preference through after his birth as well. So on that basis, I wouldn't find out until the birth either. I would, if you feel really strongly about it, consider talking to a counsellor or someone to work through the emotions. But don't feel guilty. It really is quite common.

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

[ShowOfHands]

cherryberry, please stay. It's very, very difficult for people who haven't suffered gender disappointment/preference to understand how it blindsides you. You haven't actively chosen to feel this way. It does not make you wrong or insensitive or ungrateful. It makes you wonderfully human. It's so easy for people to say 'well you shouldn't feel this way' or 'you should have thought it through' but it displays a lack of empathy and an ignorance of the human condition. Humans are desperately affected by emotions they don't expect and this particularly happens when having children. It's an emotionally fragile time anyway and you cannot help investing thoughts in the way you do. Don't leave. There are many women on here who've been there I promise you. Perhaps with a couple of very, very rare exceptions you'll find that they all say the same thing in the end. You love the child you get.

I promise you that the way in which you adore your child won't be bound up in the gender. I always troll out the example of my BIL and SIL. One is a professional ballet dancer, one plays rugby for England and it's not the way round you'd expect. The person you create is so much more than the sum of its parts. I have a little girl and I absolutely adore her but you won't get her to play anything other than Spiderman or Ninja Turtles. She's filthy most of the time and yesterday collected a lot of slugs from the garden and asked if we could keep them as pets. She is so much bigger and so much more brilliant than the fact of her gender. As are all children. But I know you can't process that now. You will when the time comes to have this brand new baby.

I sometimes think it's better to find out if you have a preference. Because the final weeks of the pregnancy you can start naming your child, buy outfits, refer to him or her and it takes away the pressure of 'the right reaction' on the day you deliver. Not that the reaction is ever what you worry it might be anyway.

If you are finding this really hard to deal with and tentatively acknowledge where these feelings are coming from, please talk to your midwife and request some extra help. No shame in that. Like I said, you're emotionally fragile and when having a baby that's something that needs extra attention and perhaps resolving as much as possible before it becomes something else entirely.

Chin up lovey. Mumsnet is a wonderful, wonderful place. We can probably all agree that trying to have and having children is a powerfully emotive time. It's impossible to talk about it without great emotion and I understand why it's hard to separate your own feelings and experiences from somebody else's. People are just hurt and that's understandable. The road to fertility is sometimes an utter bastard. But you have done nothing, nothing, nothing wrong.

Stay, gwan. It's Friday soon and everybody gets drunk and silly. You don't want to miss it.