Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say to OP, that's the best laugh I've had all weekend!
Can't trump the tree identification course but am thinking about daft baby gear purchases which I suppose can put me firmly next door to you in plonker-land (this must have been done on another thread) Towelling change-mat cover from the White Company anyone? you can imagine what happened the first and last time I used that
ROFL at Morningpaper and the Golf. All I can remember is that I intended to go volunteer in nurseries for a few weeks before the birth, because I knew had no practical experience whatsoever in caring for babies. This was 10 years ago, and maybe I would have been accepted as a volunteer back then (in reality, I decided to sit on the sofa, eat lots of chocolate and generally enjoy brooding).
Can you imagine getting a volunteer job at a nursery today, the leaps and hoops of getting CRB checked and suitable-person vetted?