Working full time? How do you make it work for you?

[BriansAmazingBeard]

I never thought i would go back to work, we even sold our second car, but now i am missing work and struggling with the choice,

I agreed to go back 2 days but a brilliant chance has come up for me to return full time,

i miss work, i find being at home full time a drain i do, i am just being honest...

so, do i take the chance? do i go back and find myself again, i miss adult chat, i miss being me...

i dont think i will miss dd (for a day at a time) i guess i wont know this till i return full time,

she is a strong, independant little lady, she will manage without me 24/7 i am sure,

how do you make it work? do you have 'rules' in your house?

thankyou for any/all advice

[crazycaz]

Hi, I remember when I returned to work. My dd was only 18 months old, but I was missing work badly, going out of my head needing adult conversation and the like but it took me a while to admit it. I had wanted to stay at home until my dd was at least 5 and going to school. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Ironically I am currently out of work because just over a year ago when my dd was 7.5 years i felt i needed more time with her and my job was a trek and getting really stressy. I don't regret going back to work for one minute, nor do I regret giving up my job just over a year ago. I was really lucky that I had my mum to look after dd when I went back to work at first, I then put dd into nursery but I didn't like the nursery I found for her and put her on the waiting list for a much better one, in which she stayed until she went to school, and then the nursery rang an out of school club which helped with her care around working and school hours.

My advice to you would be, if you really miss the work go back, try not to have to travel too far, it makes it a long day for both you and your child, make sure you are happy with your childcare and make sure you make time for your child when you are at home. If you can find a job that you love that will help, because if you are happy your child will be happy.

Good luck :-)

[DeeBlindMice]

If you are this excited about going back, I'm sure you'll enjoy it once you get used to leaving DD in childcare.

How old is she?

I work FT and I enjoy it.

You say "we", so I'm going to presume you have a DH (or DW?).

I think it's crucial to divide all household work as equally as you can. If you are BFing or if you tend to be the one who always gets up in the night (both true of me) then that needs to be taken into consideration when dividing up the shared load of drudgery.

Think about how you will get your DD to and from childcare, who will pick her up, who will drop her and how you will rotate that. If this falls disproportionately to one person, then that too needs to be remembered when it comes to deciding who does the washing up.

What are your fallback plans for when she is sick? Do you have family/close friends that can step in? Agree in advance how you will decide whose work takes the hit if your DD needs one of you to stay home.

As much as possible (and I am not that good at this bit) try to make yourself and your DH/W interchangeable parental units - only in as much as your DD can be put to bed, fed (not entirely possible with BFing, but EBM goes some way towards it), comforted, played with, changed etc. by either of you.

That's it for now. Sorry if too practical.

[slightlyonedgemum]

How old is your daughter?

I've done it the 'wrong way round' in that I got married and became a mum to a 7 year old so I've started off being a working Mum. So I'm probably not able to give you the same advice as other Mum's but here goes:

Cook everything in advance/plan all meals. Then when you do get home from work you can hopefully bung something in the oven or pan and spend some time with your daughter (my husband and I have a first person in cooks rule which works well and means at least one of us can cuddle our son on the sofa).

If your child has homework to do, try to get it done on weekdays (before school whilst I'm getting ready my son sits at the table doing his work or comes and asks me for help whilst I'm putting make up on in my underwear ). We didn't do that at first and spent a lot of our weekends doing homework which was too long for him and ruined our 'family time'.

Don't sit down until you've done your jobs in the evening-otherwise you never get up. For some reason, this especially means packed lunches, they're the most demoralising thing I know and I hate them!

Remember why you're working and don't feel bad for it. Personally, I have to and would love to work part time so I could spend more time having a clean house, cooking nice meals, having my sons friends over after school etc however, if it doesn't work for you, that's just because you're you. If your daughter is strong and independent then she obviously got it from her mother!

[applepudding]

I would go back for the 2 days a week you were originally thinking of and see how it goes. I have worked 3 days per week since ds was 6 months and would say that this has been best possible choice for me. As a baby/toddler/preschooler ds went to brilliant nursery which really helped me with things such as potty training, getting him to eat different veg etc. etc but we also had two days a home together. DS now 7 and DH occasionally comments about when am I going back FT but tbh i don't know if I ever will unless something happens with DS job. As I work PT I tend to do nearly everything at home, and I wouldn't see this changing if I worked longer hours.

[BriansAmazingBeard]

thankyou all,

dd is 7 months

no longer bf,

dp is self employed so can swop and change when needed,

i just feel sad that she will see ore of him than me if i go back ft

[sundew]

Hi when I went back to work after both my dds it was part time (4 days a week) and I've recently uped my hours to full time. Its hard work as you end up most evenings doing the washing / washing up etc and I rarely get to sit down (or MNet ) until at least 9pm. The house isn't quite as neat and tidy as I would like either.

BUT I do love my job and would find it hard being a SAHM - I think I'd end up either a total house proud lunatic who wouldn't allow any mess or a shopaholic.

If you love your job go for it - its a great example to set your kids that work can be really enjoyable.

[llareggub]

I went back to work full-time when DS was 10 months old. At first it was fine, but it took a while for my job to get as demanding as it had been before my maternity leave.

Like you, I found being at home full-time difficult, and working full-time with a baby was not for me. I had 2 miscarriages in the time I was working full-time, and it was only when I went part-time I had a successful pregnancy. I was stressed out, and feeling like I wasn't doing anything well. Not the job, not my family, and I had zero time for me.

8 months later, I reduced my hours and started working 2 and a half days instead. I find it a much better balance. I still have days when I'd prefer to be at work rather than at home. On balance though, I much prefer what I have now.

[MumtoCharlieandLola]

Prozac

[DeeBlindMice]

Oh yes, agree with slightlyonedgemum - meal planning essential.

7 months or so is when weaning can create a lot of extra work - we save work by making dinners we can easily adapt for DD, or mostly just give her.

Our variation on the "first in cooks dinner rule" is that DH cooks most nights so we can eat by 8, and I feed DD and put her to bed.

Him being self-employed should make things a lot easier - the more flexibility you can build into your schedule the less stressful it will be. Obviously you'll have to be careful to arrange things so his work doesn't suffer by his being the more flexible of the two of you.

[TheFallenMadonna]

Online shopping.
Cleaner (new development - hurrah!)
One drops off, one picks up (mine are at school now).
Equal partnerhip between you and DH. I earn less than DH, but invest as much time and effort in my career. If DH didn't view it as equal, then it wouldn't work at all.

[FeelingLucky]

Everyone is different.
I've recently taken on a full-time project with travel involved. It;s not been the struggle I expected on a practical/logistical level, but it;s been an immense struggle on an emotional level.
I couldn;t stop crying the first ever time I was at work and (21 month old) DD was being picked up from nursery by nanny. But then the other day, I forgot DD existed because I was working so intensely when I had to spend a couple of nights away. However, when I picked her up from nursery I couldn;t stop crying as my emotions were so intense and I had missed her so much.

On a practical level:
Get all the domestic help you can afford - cleaner, someone to do ironing, washing, etc.
I personally think 7 month old is a bit wee to go to nursery full-time. Nanny might be best option as you don't need to rush home to do nursery pick-up, etc.
And as slightlyoneedgemum says, meal plan so you don't need to think after coming home from a hard days work.
Also, try to get option of working from home on the odd occasion.

If you do go for the full-time job and regret it, don;t be afraid to give it up. I remember being offered a dream full-time project when DD was only 6 months - I took it like a shot, but when concrete plans were being made, I physically threw up and couldn't go through with it. I don;t regret not taking and don;t feel I've missed out as other opportunities come up.

hth and good luck with your decision

[sundew]

I agree with Feeling lucky - the practical points are really important. I have someone who does my ironing which has been a revelation - no more arguing in the morning with DH trying to iron a shirt while I try and get the DDs ready for school.

I went back full time initially when DD1 was 2 and hated it (I lasted 6 weeks before I asked my boss if I could go back part time).

Even if you love your job it will still be hard emotionally - whatever you do as a parent it never feels like you are 100% doing the right thing.

Good luck with whatever you decide

[BriansAmazingBeard]

i am in a very odd place,

i have wonderful imput for my m and my mil,

dd loves them both,

things have changed so much for dp and i that i feel a little lost,

how do you manage with your dp?

[hf128219]

Organisation! Cleaner, gardener etc - throw money at the situation -if you can.

I wnet back to work f/t when dd was 11 months old - and I love it!

[TheOldestCat]

Some good tips on this thread.

I went back FT when DD was six months (had to, rather than wanted to) but, even as the most disorganised person in the world, it works out ok. But that's mainly because I work at home three days out of five, so can do chores like putting washing on, bunging casserole on etc during breaks.

[BriansAmazingBeard]

my question is do any of you feel quilty?

[stayinbed]

i have 3 dds, i went back to work ft shortly after each one.
I don't think this was the best or the worst choice, but the choice that suited me and suited the situation.

my best suggestion is to weigh both sides and make a decision about what YOU want to do.

things to rationalze: if working feeds your spirit, you will have more to give your dd; think of people you know who grew up with working parents and those whose parents stayed at home - are they different? is one better in the long term in your opinion?
strains between partners tend to affect children negatively - will working help you in the relationship with your dp because you will be more fulfilled?

it is important for you to make the right choice for yourself

for the question 'how do you manage with your dp' - i work about 5 times as hard as my dp overall! but that is because I want to make the most of my time.
I make sure to allocate time for my dp with the same priority as I allocate time for each dd. I find that when I do this he does the same back, and that really helps to keep the relationship going!

in practicality, I wake up before everyone to get everything ready (clothes, food, bags, schedules, myself etc) and go to sleep latest (catch up on work and socializing).

best of luck!

[stayinbed]

geeze i sound like a copy of an internet site for spiritual healing.

guilt - i felt it at first until i realized there is no point in being in one place and wishing i were somewhere else, so I broke down every day into a schedule of 'at work on work' time to 'at home family time' and stuck to the schedule.

That way I concentrated on work 100% when there, and on family 100% when with them - each suffer if they don't get 100% from you at some point.

With 3 dd's i've had to further break down that schedule into hours...

[DeeBlindMice]

I don't feel guilty, no.

I guess if I felt I had something to feel guilty about I would try to organise my life differently.

[FeelingLucky]

Yes, felt guilty when I wasn;t working as I was putting career on hold and not setting example for DD (what would she think of me when she grew up ).
Feel guilty now I'm working - will she feel I've abandoned her for work

IMHO, you can;t escape the guilt but I think that's part of being a mother ... you'll always find something to feel guilty about.

[Koumak]

In a way i think working FT makes me a better mother when i am at home. If that makes sense?

[Waspie]

I went back to full time work when DS was almost 5 months old. Although I used my build up of annual leave to return 3 days per week initially.

I don't feel guilty. I'm a single parent and couldn't pay the bills on SMP so no choice anyway. However, I was certainly ready to go back to work as, however much I love my son, the company of a baby and nobody else 24/7 was melting my brain.

The time I now spend with DS is good, quality, unadulterated time. We go out, we play, I can afford to buy him good quality food, books etc. and we have a roof over our heads.

DS is now 16mo, loves nursery and is social and outgoing. I think we both gain from the arrangement.

[HaventSleptForAYear]

I went back to work full-time when both DS were 3.5mths old.

I think it's almost easier to go when they're younger because you're not used to being at home with them so much.

I do have Wednesdays 'off' with the DS but I work evenings and weekends marking/preparing to manage that.

It's tough and hard work, but I couldn't be at home all day - I turn into "shouty" mummy...

[HaventSleptForAYear]

BTW, if it's a good opportunity, I would definitely take it, who wants to feel resentful in a few years when you're stuck in a boring job?

[BriansAmazingBeard]

thankyou for all your imput,

i feel guilty about not feeling guilty iykwim