SAHMs - how much does your DP do?

[CherryChoc]

Just wondering, for the SAHMs, how much your DP does, housework/childcare wise?

I am especially interested in those whose DPs have very demanding jobs, ie not just 9-5. My DP is a computer technician and currently working for 2 companies, one 9-5.30 and one after hours, weekends etc. He seems to work 6 days most weeks and comes home at about 7ish most days, though he can be home as late as 11 some nights.

In return for this (ie providing for the family) he expects me to do all the childcare, (though I thought we agreed childcare would be 50/50 when he is at home - he just says well you have done nothing all day) all the housework and the cooking. He only half cleans up after himself and expects me to finish that off too.

I know this is not acceptable (I feel he should be doing either half the childcare, half the housework or some of both, when he is home obviously!) but I'm finding it hard to establish what would be reasonable to expect from him. At the moment the bare minimum of housework is being done at all as it's the last thing I feel like doing when DS is asleep - I never get a break at any other time. I can do bits while he is awake but not concentrate on it as well IYSWIM.

Anyway just wanted an idea of what your DPs do

[BabiesEverywhere]

I stay at home with our two children (baby and toddler. My DH has a hard job and is out of the house between 6am and 4pm/7pm depending on workload and is on call at times too.

I do 100% of childcare, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping and limited cooking. (I am crap at it but improving)

My wonderful DH often cooks, will drop by the shops for stuff if I have run out, deals with the cars..oil changes etc...makes Biodiesel for his car and any DIY needed around the house.

More importantly DH understands that sometimes due to tiredness, illness or other reasons I haven't had chance to cook tea or clean up properly, he pitches in and helps me get things straight. He only asks that if I have a hard day that I try and keep the kitchen clean so it is easier to cook in.

TBH I do think a SAHM should attempt to do the lion share of the house / child care stuff and DH who works out of the house should do what he can to help.

[hercules1]

How many kids have you got? Tbh I wouldnt expect him to do housework if he works that many hours. No reason why he cant clean up after himself. REread your post -do you just have one child? Yabu if so.

[juuule]

Sounds like he doesn't get that much of a break himself.

As the others have said I wouldn't be expecting much if he was working the long hours that you've described.

And I wouldn't think that he's expecting you to do things "in return" for him providing for the family, surely it's a case of you both pulling together for the benefit of the family.

[ilovetochat]

my dp works 8-4 mon to fri,1 or 2 evenings a week and saturdays 11-7.
i do all the washing, ironing, dusting, shopping, hoovering, cleaning, breakfasts, lunches, half of week's dinners.
dp does mowing grass, decorating, half of cooking dinners, and most of the childcare when he is in cos he loves doing dds bath and bed routine and loves playing with her.
i think as a sahm i am responsible for keeping all the day to day stuff going while dp is at work and then when he is here we split stuff a bit.
I did state when giving up a job i loved that i was giving it up to raise our baby and not become a super housewife as it bores me.

[JackBauer]

DH works long hours 6 days a week doing overtime so we can afford for me not to work.
I do most of the cooking, cleaning etc.
Dh hoovers downstairs every night (we have birds so it gets covered in seed!)after girls are in bed, cooks on occasion and deals with car and DIY stuff.
My house isn't immaculate by any stretch of the imaginaton, but it is clean and the lived in areas are tidy. Our bedroom is like abombsite as I ahvent had timt to get to it, he just doesn't comment.
I work one day a month as part of my career break terms, on that day DH becomes SAHD and does all the cooking and some cleaning.

I think as I am in teh house most of the time, and he is here a lot less often it is fair that I do more of it.

Am a bit confused by what you all mean by childcare. if we are both home we wander in and out of the room or pop out to the shops depending if the other is busy or not, nothing is 'arranged'

[CherryChoc]

By childcare I mean things like nappies, comforting DS when crying, bathing, putting to bed etc. He is only 4 months old so quite involved at the moment.

Am thinking I was being too hard on DP by saying I expected half of the housework - I don't really. I think what I would like him to do is have a couple of jobs which he does (like taking out the rubbish for example) and for him to tidy up after himself - I mean stuff like putting his plate in the dishwasher, rinsing the sink when he spills toothpaste etc. And if he would just look after DS for half an hour in the evening so I knew I had that time to myself I think I'd find it more manageable. Just finding it a bit overwhelming suddenly having to do all the housework as it seems to take hours and I can work hard on it but he still comes home and finds something to moan about.

I don't want to take advantage of him because I know he works really hard. I do appreciate it and don't want him to feel he is the only one putting any effort in.

[BabiesEverywhere]

Could you sit your DH down and tell him how you feel ?

He shouldn't be critising how much housework you are doing, after all the main purpose of being a stay at home mum is to be a mum and secondary the housework if you have time.

[peachface]

I'm a SAHM and see it as part of that role to look after the household as well while my dh works - not because I'm an antiquated woman from the old age but because it seems to go hand-in-hand with being a SAHM and if dh is out working so we can pay the mortgage and buy things for the family, it's the least I can do to keep the place in some sort of order I think! It's give and take. I have 2 sons, one 4yrs at school and one 18mths, and both enjoy doing a bit of tidying up when they're around. I try and do everything during the week and then at the weekend dh and I will do other bits and bobs between us - ie while one of us is with the kids, the other will do a spot of this or that which hasn't been done during the week because it's something you can't do with toddler about. DH never expects me to do certain things but I expect them of myself IYKWIM and like the place to be in reasonable order.
I have friends who hand over childcare etc to their partners/husbands the minute they walk in the door but to me that would mean my dh wouldn't ever get any time to himself at all so we make sure that at the weekends we both give each other chance to do something on our own to relax - even something as simple as a hair cut or food shopping without the children or my dh will go out on his bike or just do something at home while I play with the boys.
Being a SAHM is hard work but so is going out to work and the reality of parenting and running a home is that you DON'T really ever stop so it's best to accept that life is busy and then really appreciate the times you have a break from that with a babysitter for a night out or a weekend away etc.

[jcscot]

I'm a SAHM and my husband works in a very demanding job (Army officer). He's away frequently - on the road visiting sections under his command/on exercise/preparing for ops etc. When he's actually in the office, he works long hours.

He helps at the weekends (some cleaning, taking our eldest swimming or to the library) but does little else. He will do dishes if there are any to be done but I do all the laundry (bar ironing his uniforms which he prefers to do himself) and the bulk of the childcare/housework. He will garden/decorate etc when he is around but when he's not available, I do it.

We have two children (two boys one just over two, one six months) and he is as involved as he can be given his other commitments. I would bever dream of asking him to do more - he simply doesn't have the time and the stress and pressure of his job means that he does as much as he is able. No point in complaining about a situation we can't change.

He will give me a break when he can. However, it's my Mum that helps us both out. We live near my parents and she helps with babysitting etc to let us go out or to let me get on with other things. I suppose that means that I don't look for that help from my husband. She's fantastic with the boys - in fact, our eldest lived with her for three months when I was in hospital having our youngest.

The situation isn't going to change any time soon as my husband is due to go on ops in April and move on posting when he gets back - he'll be coming home every second weekend after that.

[nickytwotimes]

Whoever is at home full-time should do the bulk of the work, BUT when you are both around the house, on days off, etc, then there is no reason the childcare should not be shared. You are a family and therefore hang around together or at least live together. When dh is off, we both 'do' the childcare - playing, nappy chnaging, park visiting etc.

[mrsruffallo]

My husband has a demanding job and he does half of the housework when he is here,plays with the children constantly and he does all of the ironing.
I do all of the shopping, laundry and cooking, and obv the childcare and housework when he is at work

[Geepers]

When my husband is home he does half (more actually ) of everything. For example at the moment he is out shopping with our little people and I have stayed home and done an hour of cleaning.

We just do whatever needs doing, whoever is around.

[nickytwotimes]

Yes, as Geepers says - whatever needs doing is done by whoever is around.

[LazyLinePainterJane]

IMO, I wouldn't be asking him to do a lot of housework when he was home, personally I would tr to get as much done as possible when he was out so you could spend time together and relax when you are both there, maybe not on weeknights but more on weekends.

However, childcare should certainly be shared fairly when he is off, he might not be at work but he is a father and his child/ren deserve to see him and spend time with him, and you all do as a family.

He should also pick up after himself. It's one thing to say that you should do the washing but what sort of man can't even put his dirty kecks in the wash box? If that was the sort of life he wanted, I would tell him to go and stay in a hotel.

[ABetaDad]

I am a bloke and I do ALL the cooking and cleaning in our house. I do all the man jobs like drain cleaning, wasp killing, spider catching, painting, gardening and mending stuff.... etc.

I would do more but my wife insists on doing ALL the clothes washing and I just gave up arguing with her about it because she said I never did it right.

We share ironing and shopping and taking the kids to and from school 50:50.

We work at home together all day and I never go out alone except to the shops and then she gives me a list so I do not forget anything.

Do you think I might be a bit hen pecked?

[AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump]

My dh works long hours in a pretty stressful job. When he is at home he does as much as needs doing.

I know he works hard all day and I work hard too getting as much done as I can. If he gets home and notices that the washing needs bringing in / the floor needs mopping / the baby needs changing, he goes ahead and does it, as I would if I noticed it first.

He often gets one or both of the children ready for bed because frankly after a whole day of them I love to potter about in the kitchen without them for half an hour. He's been at work all day which is entirely different from the stresses of two under-threes so while he's tired, he's fresh with enthusiasm for the children just as I'm flagging.

Mostly we both just do things as we notice they need doing. Because I spend more time at home than him (and because sometimes the children nap) I do more at home naturally.

Some days he needs to collapse on the sofa and not lift a finger and I do everything. That's fine because some days I need to throw the children at him as he gets home and go for a run followed by a long bath while he tidys up the bombsite house and makes me a cup of tea.

It's give and take on the basis that both of us actually want to pull our weight.

[Grammaticus]

Beta Dad - why on earth don't you ever go out alone?

[CherryChoc]

Oh I'm not saying I want him to do loads or expect to hand DS to him and for me to sit down the minute he gets in the door - he needs a break - but so do I! I don't think I should be expected to do absolutely everything is all. And it makes me sad to see him just ignore DS when he cries etc. If he cries in the night he shuffles away from me as if to say "Why can't you shut him up?" - I don't mind doing the night duties (I am breastfeeding) but if he is awake I'd rather he was grateful/sympathetic than annoyed. Then again I may be being a bit paranoid here as he usually claims he didn't wake up at all during the night!

I think I just feel a bit short changed as he didn't do half the amount of hours at his second job before DS was born and I got no warning of how suddenly he would launch into it. (3 days after he was born.) We get tax credits so it's not like he has to do the extra hours either.

[hercules1]

With respect a 4 month old isnt really hard work. They still nap and arent crawling etc.

[Daffodilly]

DH has a very demanding job running a small company - he works long hours, but as he is his own boss can be flexible.

He is home most nights by 6:30 to do bath and bed time, this is his chance for quality time with DD. He continues working well into the night to make up the time after she's in bed and we've eaten together. He also gets up to her in the morning and does most of AM routine - mainly as I am taking care of DS (2 weeks) and before that was pg and he wanted me to get the extra rest.

I do most of laundry, all food shopping and meal planning, most cooking (though he is doing extra at the moment as I am stuck on sofa feeding in the evenings). He always cleans up after dinner and does dishwasher, takes rubbish out. Thankfully we have a cleaner for housework.

We share childcare duties at weekends - in fact he probably does more usually to give me a break/change of scene.

Blimey - when I write it all down I realise how lucky I am. Will be extra nice when he comes home - he took DD to a friends for the afternoon so I could lounge on the sofa feeding and snuggling with newborn!

[iwantitnow]

4 month old baby if you are having broken nights can make you feel like a zombie. At that stage with DD I found it difficult to do much housework as I was so sleep deprived but she was waking 5 times a night. One thing is to let your standards slip - house doesn't need to be immaculate, some ready meals etc...

You do deserve some sort of break do you have any family or friends that can give you some time during the day?

At about 4 months we got a cleaner in, for about 3-4 months until DD slept though. We have a cleaner every other week again now as I'm pregnant with no.2. However, we have a large house if I had a smaller one I would have managed (but my standards are quite low).

My DH does no housework, except a bit of tidying and the bins- and he critises me for the house not being tidy, bit difficult when you are 8 months pregnant with a todder. I BF and we slept in different bedrooms during the night so he could sleep until DD slept through .

4 months old baby is not very interesting for a dad to be honest, DH loves playing with DD now she is 2. It will get better.

I think you need to sit down and discuss the extra hours he is doing and whether it is worth doing and how you need a break even 30mins a day or a cleaner for a period.

[12341234]

I have 3 month old - do 90% of housework and washing, dh leaves at 6.30am and gets back at 7pm. I hand him the baby when he gets in and he looks after her til she goes to bed at about 10pm. Try and get all the housework done so none on the weekend except day to day (which I tend to do), and we share looking after the baby (although he probably does slightly more, although less interactively than I would - there's a lot of internet with her on his lap!). I think it's important for him to spend time with his dd, less important for him to do cleaning up (although I reserve right to ask him to do a few things if we have his mother coming!).

[spicemonster]

Babies that small are really tiring but I think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect him to be sympathetic if he's working two jobs to support you - poor bloke needs to sleep! You can at least nap when your baby sleeps I presume - your DP can't.

I agree with whoever it is that said to get a cleaner. It's really hard to clean with a little baby around and it doesn't sound like either of you have the energy or time to do it. And tbh, the time you have together (and it doesn't sound much) should be about enjoying yourselves, not cleaning

[EldonAve]

My DH does about 60 hours a week at work and then more at home

We split the cooking between us, he often fills or empties the dishwasher and tidies away toys
He will shop at the weekend if necessary but I do most of it in the week or order online

Laundry is down to me. Plus minor cleaning (we have a cleaner)
Childcare when he is not at work/working at home is about 80:20

To get time off I go out!