Worrying about going into hospital leaving DH and his parents to look after toddler

[Moop]

Hello

I am having a second baby in May by CS so will be in hospital 3-4 days (I live in Belgium and they say a lot of women stay in 7 days). I am starting to worry about leaving DH and his mom and dad with daughter who will then be 15 months old. We have two sets of stairs - ceramic type so pretty hard and pretty lethal. I have stairgates up but I am worried they won't use them and keep the doors closed etc.

I have been labelled 'anxious' (behind my back of course) my mother in law and she said when we visited last May that I seemed to spend a lot of time with the baby - my DH not pointing out that last May BH the weather was freezing and his father wouldn't put the heating on and the house was very cold - I was with the baby downstairs because it was too cold to put her upstairs to sleep!

The whole safety thing has been a real source of conflict between my DH and me - he has I think totally taken on board what his mother said (bit of a mouthpiece sometimes for them and agree with everything they say) and he is too relaxed about things (except for marks on the bathroom mirror which he can spot at 50 paces - how mad does that make him?).

I am already quite worried about leaving DD with them and got myself in a right tizz last night worrying about qhat could happen to her. I have had the nonsense from his father about how they brought up 3 children (his dad did nothing BTW) and what do I know.

I just need to let off some steam as I had quite a bad night's sleep worrying about it. Can't talk to DH as we have had rows about his mom and dad before.

[OneLieIn]

Don't get yourself worked up firstly, breathe, relax.......that's better.

Your dh will just have to be fine. He will be fine. He is perfectly capable of looking after one child. Why not mention to him how worried you are and that he just needs to agree to shut the stairgate.

Relax, it'll be fine.

[OneLieIn]

Actually I think it's quite common to think that no-one can look after your PFB quite as well as you can. It might well be true, but you'll have to let your DH try.

[Pheebe]

"I have had the nonsense from his father about how they brought up 3 children"

Sorry but that hits it on the head for me. They HAVE brought up their own kids, they DO have more experience with you. They may not do things exactly YOUR way but your DD WILL be fine. Relax, trust your DH and enjoy the few restful days in hospital with your new baby. Underlying irritations always seem magnified at times like these.

[cory]

Perhaps if you let your dh practise beforehand by having him take your dd for the day now and then, that will reassure you.

I'm afraid my dh would have been very offended at the idea that he was less of a parent to dd than I was- he would have pointed out that I wasn't an expert either when she was born and the midwiwes still took the risk of sending her home in my incompetent hands. He would point out that nobody is born an expert and that everybody has to learn on the job, so why was it all right for me to learn on the job and not him?

And you know- he would be right.

No doubt you had no expert knowledge when you first started caring for your dd- and a newborn baby is a lot more fragile than a toddler. Your dh deserves the same chance: he is as much a parent as you are. Just let him start practising before the big day. And give him a chance to be involved with the new baby on equal terms to yourself: after all, you will need to give a lot of your attention to the toddler.

[McDreamy]

I sympathise with you. My DH is more than capable of looking after our DC while I am in hospital having number 3 in 3 weeks time. However we have both decided his parents are not.

They have also brought up 3 children but they are now not in the "children" zone, they don't seem to think child - and why should they in a way.

For example FIL looked after DS for 5 mins in a play park while we were shopping in a outlet village. He walked away while DS (aged 2) climbed onto a high climbing frame - and fell off!

FIL again I'm afriad, but DH and FIL took DD and DS to the park to feed the ducks and play on the swings. They fed the ducks first and then DD wanted to go on the swings so DH took her over leaving FIL with DS. FIL then strolled over a few minutes later leaving DS playing on the edge of the pond out of sight - DH said he never moved so fast! DS was fine.

Just a couple of our experiences. Luckily DH feels the same (if not more) than me and we pick our occasions when we leave them in charge of the DC.

[TheCrackFox]

It is quite normal to feel anxious about leaving your PFB. But your DD will be just fine.

And I know it can be annoying but your MIL did bring up 3 DCS and they seem to be OK.

Try and relax and look forward to meeting your new baby.

[BonsoirAnna]

I sympathise with the OP.

My sister used to fight with her DH over her refusal reluctance to leave her children with her PILs because she thought that PILs were not sufficiently safety and hygiene conscious. Her DH used to get very cross and tell her she was precious etc until the day his own sister had children and refused to leave them with her own parents for the same reasons.

It is not always OK to leave children with their GPs. Go with your feelings.

[cory]

I agree with Anna about GPs- they've had a long time to forget (and you do forget- I know I have already). But here we're talking about leaving the child with grand-parents and her own father.

And I would say that if a man is not trusted to look after his own toddler, then there is something wrong, either with him or (more likely) with his place in the family. If he is living with the child, then he should be as much part of deciding about child safety issues as the mother. There is no inherent reason why blokes can't do this (unless he is an alcoholic or something equally grim). But men, like women, need to have a chance to learn on the job from day one. And reading Mumsnet I have started to realise how often this is not happening.

[nowtygaffer]

I felt just the same when I had my DS. I really worried about leaving my DD with my husband and my MIL as safety wise they are extremely laid back. (To the extent that when out in public they would frequently lose her!).

[BonsoirAnna]

Two not-to-be-trusted GPs plus a trustworthy father is not a good combo. The DH won't be able to leave DC for a second's peace and will have to manage the GPs to prevent them doing damage.

[cory]

Is that any worse than if the mother had the grandparents staying? Why should a bloke be less able to manage the situation?

[BonsoirAnna]

No, it's not worse than if the mother had the GPs staying, but what on earth is the point of having the GPs to stay in the circumstances? They are going to worry the mother and distract a lot of attention from the father.

GPs should only be around at the time of the birth if they can make a positive contribution to the running of the household and care of the family.

[nowtygaffer]

I think some just blokes just are less safety conscious. In my DH's case having my MIL around when he is looking after the DC's just reinforces this for him.

[BonsoirAnna]

I've just had my parents staying and my father is a full-time job in himself .

[snowleopard]

I think it will be fine, but I am like you as well and worry even about DP having DS, because I think he won't be as careful as me. I know it's a bit controlling of me, but you can't help your feelings. And as you are pg and hormonal, they should be nice and caring about your feelings. But, you will have to be brave, and you will get through it all. Will you be able to phone from hospital to talk to DD/say goodnight at bedtime etc?

[cory]

nowtygaffer, I've known some Mums to be considerably less than safety-conscious!

But if a bloke came on here and said that he didn't like his wife looking after the kids because he didn't feel they'd be as safe with her, we'd ask for evidence that there was really something wrong with the wife, and if not we'd tell him to come off it.

My opinion is that some men and some women are naturally irresponsible and should never have children.

Most men and most women will develop a sense of responsibility if they believe it is up to them.

The reason more women than men develop this is because of our different expectations. We can do something about our expectations.

But this is in general. Of course when you are pregnant and hormonal, you're going to have all sorts of fears.

For a practical solution, how about detailing the grandparents off to do meals and play with the toddler, while dh is in charge of any safety aspects (checking the stairgate etc).

[nowtygaffer]

Yes I agree with that cory. That's why I still encourage my DH to take our DCs to his mums! I actually think it's good for my children to get a different perspective on risk. I just found it difficult when I was in hospital having DS feeling quite helpless!

[BonsoirAnna]

The more I read this thread, the more convinced I am that the GPs should just be told stay well away.

[cory]

I don't think dh is any less safety conscious than me and he's done first aid training so is much more useful in an emergency.

When I had ds, my parents were looking after dd, but she was 3 and I have confidence in them. However, a few weeks later dh's dad fell ill and was thought to be dying, so dh grabbed the new baby and set off across country for his Dad to see him before a bit strange to me, but no stranger I think than for dh to have to go back to work and leave the baby with me: we were both that close to him and dh had done more of the early care because I was quite ill following delivery.

[spicemonster]

I also think it's a bit odd that your DH isn't capable of looking after your DD on her own.

[spicemonster]

Sorry - on his own. Has he never looked after her before?

[cory]

DOn't know what went wrong with my last post.

"Dh set off across country to for his Dad to see him before he died (he recovered!). Felt a bit strange to me..."

And in case you wonder what we did about the feeding, he got some ready bottles from the pharmacy and I kept expressing to keep the supply going until they came back.

[nowtygaffer]

My DH is capable of looking after the DC on his own. I am much more safety conscious but that does not mean he is incapable of looking after them! It

[nowtygaffer]

I do think fathers should look after their own children. I think it is the in laws that may be the problem here.

[cory]

Yes, maybe do as Anna suggests and keep the in-laws at bay. Or just keep their time filled up with useful little jobs.