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I really need to know - how do you feel about subsequent children after the PFB?

36 replies

eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 13:48

We are trying for DC2. My DH is really worried he wont bond with the new baby like he has with our DS. I know I will love him/her the same but do worry that you dont have all that one on one time with them if an older child is around. I was a second child and never felt very loved and I dont want to do that to any baby of mine. Can you please tell me your insights into having more than one child and how you love them?

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NotABanana · 26/04/2008 13:51

You love them in different ways as they are different children but you love them just as much.

Obviously DC1 will have less time when DC2 comes along but there will be lots of times when the baby is asleep and you have one to one time with the older child.

My DH was the one much keener than me on more children and we now have 3.

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 13:55

its the other way around for us - I am more keen on having more children my DH would have been happy to stop at one. Makes me nervous!

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FranSanDisco · 26/04/2008 13:56

Your love expands to accommodate your children it doesn't divide. I remember feeling sorry for dd when ds was about to be born. God knows why They are both individuals and I love their uniqueness equally.

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Washersaurus · 26/04/2008 14:05

I just feel sooo TIRED

It isn't the same as with PFB but of course you love them just as much. DH didn't bond as quickly with DS2 - I think because he is so different to DS1. This has changed as DS2 has got bigger. DH still says he would like 2 more

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VictorianSqualor · 26/04/2008 14:08

I seem to be backwards cos i wasnt very PFBish with DD, then with DS1 I was PSBish, nmow DS2 has been born and i'm even worse
I've fqallen in love quicker and harder with each child I've had, but then I've been in a better place in my life each time so generally happier and havgin elder siblings being besotted too seems to just reinforce how wonderful the new baby is.

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 17:40

It's interesting to see all the different ways. I am just afraid my DH wont love the new baby as much as he pretty much worships DS.

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Elk · 26/04/2008 17:45

I love my dd1 in the way you love someone as you get to know them.I was terrified of dd1 and 'bonding' took a long time. I am absolutley gobsmackingly in love with dd2 and was from the moment she was born.(and feel guilty about it!!!!)

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 17:47

thanks for your honesty Elk. This may sound wierd but I dont know how I love DS. I know I do and more than anything else but I am just not sure which type of love you described it is.

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Lizzylou · 26/04/2008 18:02

DS2 is a joy, an absolute joy, I was so worried I couldn't love/care for another baby/child like I did for DS1 and it knocked me out how much I could love both of my children.
It is also wonderful watching them together, they love each other so much and are never happier than when with each other (most of the time).
There was a thread about this recently and another poster said something along the lines of the greatest gift she has given her PFB is another sibling, and I agree. It could all go horribly wrong, but they adore each other at the moment.

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MummyDoIt · 26/04/2008 18:27

Everyone worries that they won't love their second child as much as the first. Your PFB is the centre of the universe, how could anyone come close? But you do. The minute that child is born, it is as special as the first. One of the best things about being a parent of more than one is seeing their different personalities grow and watching them interact with each other. Your PFB will not lose any of your love but will gain the love of a sibling and that is a wonderful thing to see. Sorry if this sounds a bit sentimental but it really is true! You will find days when one is being particularly 'challenging', shall we say, and you will certainly like one child more than the other at those times but you'll always love them.

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Lizzylou · 26/04/2008 18:32

Mummydoit, you have said exactly what I wanted to say, so well.
Totally agree

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sparklesandnowinefor6months · 26/04/2008 18:40

No matter how many DC you have you will always love them all equally, there is always enough love to go round - you don't take any love away from the child/children you have to give it to the others your love just grows

I do remember being nervous about this when we were ttc after having DS1 i think its a natural feeling to have, but the feeling soon disappeared when DD was born and i realised it was possible to love them the same. DS2 and DS3 are loved equally as much as DS1 and DD (as will DC5 be!!) plus its wonderful to watch and see how much they love each other too - that makes my heart melt every time

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 20:37

what about your husbands/partners do you think they love children the same as the PFB?

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Lizzylou · 26/04/2008 20:39

Gosh yes.
In fact, Dh has a particularly wonderful bond with DS2, they seem to gel really well. I sometimes think DS1 gets left out a bit.

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 20:45

its terrible isnt it trying to get a balance. well I guess its terrible I havent done it yet as I only have one DC. But I do worry about DH bonding with another baby.

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lackaDAISYcal · 26/04/2008 20:54

I didn't bond with my DD (DC2) as quickly as I did with DS. That was gob-smack in your face love, but with DD, probably because I had a very difficult pregnancy and she was an elective c-section (so none of the horrible thinking I was going to lose her like I had with DS during labour, iyswim) it took a few days, but sort of crept up on me and after our few days in hopital after my section I was besotted. Now they are very different children with their own personality traits and quirks, I love them both unconditionally, and couldn't say I loved either of them more than the other, although DD is much cuter at this age than DS was.

DH is the same, loves them both unconditionally and equally and he had the same thoughts when I was pregnant. DD is definately a Daddy's girl though!

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whomovedmychocolate · 26/04/2008 20:57

I'm pregnant with number two and frankly, I'm a tad cross with him because he's making me very tired and sick. But I'm sure when he finally pops out I'll love him. But I do still feel quite resentful because I won't have this exclusive relationship with my little DD anymore.

I think DH will get on better with a DS than DD though, he keeps making comments about 'evening up the hormonal soup'

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TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 26/04/2008 21:46

You love them for their individuality and you love them for their similarities. You all need to muck in together and learn to enjoy & endure each others company and you still need to have a bit of one-to-one time with each child (and that might only be a 30 minute trip to the park with daddy at the weekend or watching Monsters Inc on mummys lap when ill, but it's enough).

I love having my gang. It's very cool!

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blueshoes · 26/04/2008 21:53

eenybeeny, not only will you and dh love no.2 as you did no.1 (for their own specialness), you will soon see how no.1 adores no.2 and how no.2 looks up to no.1 as well as compete. It is not just double the fun, the love (and frustration) increases exponentially but it is what weaves the whole family even more tightly together. I feel we are much more of a family now.

I never thought I wanted more than 1, more less 2. But seeing how ds and dd enjoy each other, I fear I might start thinking of a no.3!

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eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 22:15

aw thanks you have all made me smile! I feel all gooey!

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MummyDoIt · 27/04/2008 09:19

One thing to add about partners. A lot of men (and some women too) find the baby stage quite boring. They become much more interested in and involved with their children once they can walk and talk and their personalities come through. You may find that a partner seems more interested in the older child but it doesn't mean the baby is loved less.

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Hecate · 27/04/2008 09:28

Less uptight, more confident, more faith in myself as a mother, less faith in the gospel according to health visitors . Less precious (me not him!) more laid back, less scared of germs and beasties and the terrible terrible world

ds1 got changed into clean clothes every time he so much as dribbled down his front. ds2 got changed into clean clothes when he could no longer bend. Most of the things you got so het up about, don't seem to matter as much.

The main plus for me was confidence. Day after ds1 was born, I was too scared to touch him! I was asking the midwives for permission to do anything! Morning after ds2 was born, I tucked him under my arm and strolled down the hall in search of coffee.

I loved ds1 with all my heart, I worried that I wouldn't love ds2 as much - or I'd have to share the love or something, that ds1 would lose out. But I still love ds1 with all my heart - I grew a whole new heart for ds2!

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eenybeeny · 27/04/2008 12:16

oooh you are all making me so excited to have DC2! Right now cross your fingers and toes for me that TTC works ASAP!

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Pheebe · 27/04/2008 14:47

I've found that I love ds1 far far more than I realised now I have DS2 aswell. For me, although ds1 was much wanted (after years of trying and multiple mcs) it was all very scary and I felt a huge pressure to do everything right. Now ds2 is here and me and dh are soooo much more confident and relaxed I realise that I was too het up about doing this right to really relax and enjoy ds1. I regret that and am relaxing and making the most of every minute with both my wonderful sons

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alicet · 27/04/2008 19:57

OK haven't read all posts...

I love both my ds's (ds1 26 months, ds2 7 months) just as much as each other and can't really remember not. We are lucky in that we have been able to afford to keep ds1 in nursery 3 days a week so I have had plenty of one on one time with ds2 and as someone else says you get the time with ds1 when ds2 is asleep.

WRT your dh. My dh took nearly 6 months to really bond with ds1 and has been smiliarly slow to bond with ds2 and still doesn't love him as much as ds1. I think (hope) this will change with time as it certainly did with ds1. He couldn't love ds1 anymore if he tried now and you certainly couldn't tell from looking at him that he feels any less for ds2 but I know he does as he is honest about it. FWIW I think it's probably not that uncommon for dads to take longer to bond with their children but most probably aren't open about it for fear of what others think.

I wouldn't let this put you off however. Just make sure your dh knows he can be honest with you about how he feels and that you don't think any less of him if he struggles to bond with your new baby. In the end I am sure he will love them just as much.

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