Am I neglecting dd?

[AspirationalToiletries]

she's 8.5m

it was always inevitable I'd be going back to work full time when she was 7m or so as DH is self-employed and is still drawing a low salary while the business grows.

but I am beginning to wonder if we've got it wrong

6am I feed dd half-asleep
6.30 I get her up and dressed and sit her in the cot with some toys while I shower and dress
7am we go downstairs and I load/unload washing machine, pack bags for nursery
7.30 leave the hosue
8am drop dd at nursery (which luckily she seems to like)
8.30 at my desk
two expressing sessions in an out-of-the-way meeting room for dd's bottles for the next day
4.30 leave work
5pm pick up dd
5.30 home - half an hour of playing with me and dh
6pm bath and songs with dh while I do laundry and wash pump etc
6.30 final feed while dh cooks dinner
7pm asleep
we get an hour of tv in between settling dd
9pm wash up, clean kitchen, more laundry etc
10pm bed

the thing that got me was my mum rang the other day and said 'oh I found a photo of you at just the age dd is now - you're sitting at your little chair and table with your Bunnykins china cup and bowl. Would you like them for dd?'

and I burst into tears

she is 8.5m and has three bottles and four bfs a day, a couple of spoonfuls of puree at nursery and finger food at the weekends with us.

when the hell am I meant to teach her to use an open mug and proper crockery? are there other things I've utterly missed?



have I fucked this up beyond redemption?

[Lauriefairycake]

what, don't be daft - are you hormonal ??

Make some tea and have a seat for god's sake - there's plenty of time to teach her about crockery and space stations

Let up on yourself woman

[Dottydot]

Hope you can hear the sound of hysterical laughter coming from my house...

ds2 is 4 years old and still has a sippy cup at night for his water

Neither ds1 (6) or ds2 are wonderful with cutlery and both prefer to eat their tea with their fingers

You're sooooo not fucking it up and you probably smashed the crockery the second after the photo was taken.

[Dottydot]

Oh - I see she still has them. Well thank her very much and stick them in a cupboard somewhere where you can't see them.

Wouldn't dream of giving babies china stuff - every now and then ds1 has a glass to drink out of, but only when he's sat down, still, not messing around etc.

It's bonkers to worry - sounds like your dd is right on track.

[SmugColditz]

She's a baby. I don't know any babies who, at that age, were sat with open mugs and crockery, not until they are 2 or 3, and the nursery will do this too. They would not expect her to be using them for about a year and a half yet.

Give yourself a break, and remember, middle aged women are past-sighted - they see photos and picture you as a baby ... have a look at that photo, I bet you were about two!

[seeker]

Did your mum also point out that your hands were handcuffed to the arms of your chair to stop you throwing the Bunnikins china at her head?

[mankymummy]

sounds like you are managing brilliantly. Makes me feel very, very lucky to be a SAHM.

if you are concerned about her using crockery etc. can you ask the nursery to help encourage her to start? Then you can continue yourself at the weekends.

and honestly, an open mug at 8.5months?! are you planning on replacing your carpet every few months?!!!!

you are doing fine. you are probably just knackered. we all feel we arent doing it right sometimes. please dont worry.

[AspirationalToiletries]

oh thank god for that

no-one can make you feel inferior like your mother can, isn't it? She didn't go back till work till I was 10 so I erroneously leapt to the conclusion that a good SAHM would have her 8mos drinking from crystal glassware, reciting Shakespeare and playing Prokofiev, and I was Holding DD Back

will throw crockery at my mother forthwith

[SmugColditz]

Cups with lids are called toddler cups for a reason, remember!!

She will not physiologically manage an open cup, even if you devoted every second of every day to it. She's too small. Some things come with practice, some with age, and some take both!

[orangina]

I get the feeling that this is more about the amount of time you are spending with dd, not so much the "should she be able to use her full set of crockery" thing....
Is there any way you could realistically do a 4 day week for work? I did that when I went back to work after 6 months, and that 1 full day of just me and dd was lovely. I'm working 4.5 days/week now, and I have a ds as well as a dd now, and the balance doesn't feel quite right. Will reduce to 4 and hopefully 3 days within 6 months I hope.

[mankymummy]

are there other things you might have missed?

well... i hope she's totally potty trained, able to recite her A,B,C, perform basic arithmetic and obviously can perform open heart surgery ! .

if she's happy and healthy my love thats all that matters. no two babies do the same things at the same stage, there is no "normal".

[Dottydot]

Been there, got the t-shirt. My mum makes me feel like she's going to phone social services every 5 minutes because we let ds's sit on the kitchen worktops when they're helping to bake something - or let them play in the garden (locked gate) but every now and then we can't see them...

My mum also stayed at home until I was about 9 - 10, so yes, the guilt is there.

[MrsMattie]

Oh dear. I demand that you STOP beating yourself about this now, lady! You sound like a normal, loving mum with a normal, busy life. You also sound like a slightly frazzled first timer. Trust me, in a year or two's time you won't give a flying fiddlers about forks, cups or bunnykins china! These things are so unimportant. The important times are the times you and your baby are together, feeding, having a cuddle.

[SmugColditz]

Actually, give her the china, let her 'use' is for 20 minutes, sweep up the pieces and you'll never have to thing about it again!

[beanmonkey]

No you are not neglecting her at all, in fact you have made sure all her needs are taken care of while you are at work, but i also get the impression its more about you are not happy with the amount of time you get with her. if this is the case, is there anyway you can do 4 days? could dh do anything, if he's self employed does that mean his hours are more flexible? i have a friend who's dh works from home on the days she works so her dd doesn't spend all day in the nursery, although think the dd would like to as she loves nursery!

[snooks]

Ds1 got a bunnykins china set when he was born, he is now 3.8 and will probably be a teenager by the time I let him near it (so probably won't exactly want to use it then?)

My otherwise lovely mother has a strange recollection of me and my older sister's sleep habits.....(I think because ds1&2 aren't ever the best sleepers). Apparently we slept through at a couple of months. This number shrinks regularly - last week she said we slept through at 2 weeks. 2 weeks?

An open mug at 8.5months is utter madness, let alone china (shudders).

[stealthsquiggle]

DS (now 5) was given a china set and it is still packed up with his other christening presents which we have nowhere suitable to put

I would suggest you tell your DM that you would rather the china stayed at Granny's house to be used there - but then it will be your fault when DD smashes them there

Don't throw it at your mother, though - you will need it to torment DD with when she has her first LO.

[WinkyWinkola]

I wouldn't let my 1 year old DD near crockery! She uses plastic sippy cups / doidy cups and shock horror, sometimes even a bottle.

Give yourself a break. Never ever compare children.

You're doing brilliantly. Your DD is much loved and she knows it.

[suedonim]

WRT children's china - the modern stuff is pretty robust so do use your nice things! I recently bought a set for a christening and as I took it out of the box to see what the other pictures were the bowl slipped out of my hand, flew into the air, landed on the table, bounced off onto a chair, then bounced again, hitting the lower part of the chair and ricocheting off that onto another chair leg and thence onto the floor. And it was totally unblemished, not a chip or scratch.

Babies can use open cups as early as 8mths, my own ds1 was weaned off bottles, per advice circa 1975, at 6mths but whether there's any point in having such a skill at that age is a moot point.

[Elffriend]

If you are, then I really am in hell and left redemption standing quite some time ago.

DS will use plastic crockery quite cheerfully and adeptly (when he feels like it -otherwise he thinks, why should I when I have a personal slave?) and has his water from a sippy cup mostly (will have an open beaker under supervision - but howls if he spills anything on himself). BUT he still has a bedtime bottle and morning bottle and he's 20 months old

Hell, I still sterilise the bottle if I'm left to my own devices (I like knowing it's clean).

[AtheneNoctua]

You are being way too hard on yourself. You don't need to take on the responsibility of teaching her everything. You may find you don't like teaching her somethings. For example, I hated mealtimes with DD. She hated every bloody food on Earth except milk and cheese -- cheeky cow. Was very happy to get childminder/nanny to take over and I could enjoy less stressful binding time with DD. You don't have to be there 24/7 to still be the most important person to your DD.

My kids spend quite a lot of time in childcare, but they both are far more attacehd too me than any nanny/childminder we have ever had. They clearly know the difference between mummy and nanny.

Also, nursery has some good qualities. Some of my friends kids went to nursery and I found nursery often thought to teach him things that hadn't occcurred to me. For example, he was feeding himself at 12 months and I thought hmmm... never occurred to me to encourage that.

Please don't feel you have failed your child by not doing all the work yourself. It does not make you a lesser parent.

[Sidge]

Oh AT give yourself a break!!

That's life - you gotta work or you really will be in trouble (apparently it's A Good Thing to feed your children and provide a roof over their heads ).

Forget bloody crockery and dainty sipping - it's quality not quantity when you look at the time spent with your child. And I bet she gets so much out of being with you, your DH and nursery.

[zebedee1]

I have just stupidly given DS (11 months) his morning snacks in one of my china cereal bowls. It is now in bits on the floor where he chucked it off his high chair table. I fear bunnikins will meet a similar fate if you let your LO near him!

Seriously, you are doing a fab job, your LO is happy at nursery, you and her daddy spend time with her mornings, evenings and weekends. Most of us have to/ want to work and as long as we have good childcare in place, that's OK. If you do want to work less, you do have a right to request flexible working like compressed hours or part time, but it's your choice.

[legacy]

This isn't about china crockery really is it?
It's about whether in years to come you will regret not having been around for 'milestones' of whatever kind (and they are different for different people).

FWIW I went back to work when both the DC were 6 months old and they went into full-time nursery. I used to have moments of feeling like this.

Bizarrely the thing which used to upset me most was Mums pushing pushchairs together along the road. We hardly used our pushchair, as the kids were dropped off by car on my way to work and DH picked them up on the way home.

Strangely enough I was talking to a Mum who left her full time job to be a SAHM when DS2 (and her DD2) were born. I confided that I'd always envied and looked wistfully at those Mums walking with the buggies going for coffee. Her response was 'Are you kidding? It was such a drudge, same thing every day. Flat shoes to walk comfortably, having to dawdle with the toddler. Faffing with raincovers and not being able to use an umbrella'.
And she confided to me that she'd been wildly jealous when she saw me arriving in smart suits, heels and going off on the occasional business trip.

Sometimes the grass is always greener.

FWIW I haven't regretted our choices on this. The DCs are very socially and emotionally balanced, and my working full-time helped us through a tricky financial time. That said, I now work freelance and part-time, as I think that works best once the kids are at school, and I actually LIKE being with them now

[legacy]

Agree with AtheneNoctua completely. Sometimes we are too precious and over-protective with our own children, and going into a nursery/ pre-school setting really gives them some independence.

The DSs learnt things I wouldn't have thought to teach them at a young age (dressing/ shoes/ tidying up etc)

[CatIsSleepy]

oh blimey
dd is 2 and I have only just let her start to use an open cup and then only in her high chair, not to wander around with

go easy on yourself
dd will learn things at home and at nursery, when she's ready