ONE Little boy not going to the birthday party. Need to vent a little, and ask advice

[QuintessentialShadow]

Some of you may remember my thread ages ago about a little boy in my sons class, and my issues with his mum when she rang and yelled at me because her son was hitting mine. She has written an email and apologized for her behaviour towards me (possibly prompted by me inviting her son to my sons party).

All the children in the class has been invited, and children from outside the school too, so it will be a pretty big party.

Because it happens after school, in the Church Hall next door, it is pretty obvious who is going to the party and who isnt.

Well, this little boys isnt. He will see the teacher line up all the kids in the class, and three parent helpers coming to walk them all in a line to the party. And this little boy is going home with his mum.

It is his mums choice, but it is breaking my heart. He never gets to go on playdates, never has children home. I know I cant change it but, it still upsets me.

Imagine being that ONE little boy. Does he know that it is his mum refusing him to go to parties (he never attends, always invited), or does he think that nobody wants him at their parties?

I was thinking, should I email his mum (she has control issues, so wont let him out of her sight) and say something along the lines of "Such a shame X will see all the other children line up and go to the party but not him. I am short of a pair of hands, would it be possible for you to help at the party? Open the door, carry food, have a glass of champagne, unless you have something else on of course."

[SheherazadetheGoat]

hi, i think that email sounds good. possibly she is embarrassed by her previous behaviour.

[SheherazadetheGoat]

oh i would't use the 'Such a shame X will see all the other children line up and go to the party but not him' bit just email her to make her more comfortable with the idea of coming.

[QuintessentialShadow]

No, you are right, I shouldnt put her on the spot like that. The thing is, he never gets to go to parties. So, what can I say that makes her change her mind THIS time?

She doesnt give a toss that it means a lot to my son that he is there, so cant approach it from that angle.

I just really want him to come. My son would be so happy.

[Miaou]

maybe she has told him he is not allowed to go to the party because he has been naughty?

[QuintessentialShadow]

That would not surprise me, this little boy seems to be always punished. But I think the real issue is the party food. He gets ONE chocolate button a week. If he has been doing really well with his homework. Going to parties and gorging on food is undermining her authority as she will no longer be able to make him do what she wants, to get that ONE chocolate buttons. She has said so.

[QuintessentialShadow]

You are right Jammi. I will just leave it. Not worth the bother, eh?

[Miaou]

In which case there is simply no way she is going to change her mind, quint, much as you would like her to. Can you imagine what she might be like if she accompanied her little boy to your party? If she only gives him one chocolate button per week, there is no way she is going to allow him to have any "party" food... heartbreakingly sad, but not something you can influence, IMO.

[QuintessentialShadow]

No possibly not. I dont have to like it, and as Jammi said, I have nothing to do with it.

[QuintessentialShadow]

I shall return my efforts to my Glorious Cupcakes, and ponder icings and decorations, and not how to change one womans parenting, lol!

[Twiglett]

they're not Jehova's Witnesses are they?

Could you email and pretend it was a blanket email but only send it to her (you know like blind copy them all)

and say

Dear all

Could anybody possibly stay to help me at xx's party? I'd be really grateful for an extra pair of hands

Love

and then when you speak to her at the school gate do some 'oh really looking forward to seeing x at y's party .. would you be able to stay and help' .. almost as though you've forgotten he isn't coming

then she might change her mind .. or she might remind you he isn't coming .. silly forgetful old you

[QuintessentialShadow]

They are not jehovas witnesses.

I cant send such a mail. I risk that 2/3 of the class say YES. That will add 2 more children per parent. Catholic School, lots of children. Younger siblings and older siblings. And middle class sahms. So, they would be more than happy to stay and have their kids entertained rather than go home with one or two kids and come back for another one later... I already have nearly 50 kids.

[Twiglett]

no, I meant put her name in bcc .. and pretend you've sent it to everyone and ONLY send it to her

oh I would make sure he gets a party bag .. even if not coming

[CinderellaInCyberspace]

what about a pre party

maybe just some songs and games in the class room

then he at least has a piece of the fun

[MadamePlatypus]

Could you not just say something like "Its a shame little x can't come to the party, DS would love to see him there".

This gives her a chance to open up about why he isn't coming if she wants to (maybe she is worried about his behaviour? Maybe he isn't good at parties?) or say nothing.

There could be lots of explanations about why he isn't coming to the party and a valid reason why she wouldn't want to discuss it. I think you have to assume that she cares about her son deeply. I think the only thing that might change her mind would be if she were concerned about him misbehaving and upsetting other children and parents and you set her mind at rest by saying it didn't matter.

[bigdonna]

sound like that little boy has a rough life,cant your son tell him he was invited.so he does not feel left out.is he a happy child!!!