Baby Sitting Advice - Partner pressure....

[oystercatcher]

Help - need some reassurance that my instincts are right. We have a wonderful 19 month dd who is tricky at night. She wakes up several times and can take ages to get to sleep. I still breastfeed her as she is allergic to milk, so my social life is limited. I really do not mind not going out as I a incredibly tired and I would rather save myself for daytime activities - my problem is my dh doesn't understand. We are going to see friends this weekend and they have hired their babysitter so we can all go out - thier child is 8. I am concerned our dd will be in a strange house and with someone I havent met before looking after her. If she wakes dd will possibly be very distressed - Of course I have to get her to bed first (it was 10pm tonight and she wouldnt let dh near her to help) When I voiced my concerns my dh was very irritated by me saying I was being oversensitive and that there was no point in going away if I didnt go out - I feel totally under pressure and to be honest Im not comfortable with it. Id be happier going up having a good rest looking after the two kids and then having a nice day with our friends. I suggested babysitting an 8 year old is different to looking after an 18 month old baby. He has taken offence as it is his friends. We arrive at house approx6pm, babysitter arrives at 8, we are meant to be out at 8.30! dd goes to sleep anywhere between 7 and 8 on a good day - your guess is as good as mine on a bad one!

[holidaywonk]

I think you should stick to your guns. If your dd is anything like my ds2, if (when) she wakes up in a strange room with a total stranger she will become completely hysterical and you'll have to come home from the resturant anyway as the babysitter won't be able to calm her down.

Maybe agree with your dh that together you will try to work out ways for her to go to sleep without you - but make sure he realises that this is likely to be a fairly long process.

[hotchocscot]

my 19 month old ds also will only settle again if its me there to cuddle and soothe him if he wakes. We've hardly gone out at night since he was born either, as I just wouldn't be happy leaving him (we don't have family close by that could babysit).

Personally I would explain again to your husband that you will find it hard to relax and enjoy yourself if you are worried about dd at night. My dh and I just make the most of long lunches when ds is having his afternoon nap instead!

Good luck, I know its frustrating for the partner when they feel their old style life has disappeared, but hey, as I told dh, if you don't want things to change, don't have kids!!

[Pheebe]

Can't you take DD with you? Might sound daft at first but thats what we've always done if going out for a meal. Get her ready for bed before you go, take a couple of toys and a big snuggly blanket and let her be a part of things. Worked brilliantly for us with DS1 and we've done it a couple of times with both DS1 and DS2.

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

Oh gosh you poor thing, I completely sympathise and I really don't know how you get around your partner other than come to an agreement that you won't go out until sh's settled and will get a taxi and join them?? Would that be an option?

[Anna8888]

When my daughter was 18 months old we went to stay with some friends of my partner (I didn't know them very well, though I liked them a lot) for the weekend. They had organised a babysitter for the Saturday night for their three little girls (who my daughter didn't know) and my baby daughter and reserved a restaurant.

My daughter was not used to being left in the evening with anyone other than her father or my mother. The babysitter was, however, very experienced (qualified in childcare) and in fact brought a friend along, so there were two adult women to care for four children.

I left my daughter and went out for the evening. When we got back at around midnight we found her passed out with exhaustion asleep on the doormat in front of the front door waiting for me. She had stayed up waiting and then got pretty unhappy for half an hour or so before falling asleep.

She woke up when I arrived, had a sob and a breastfeed, and went back to sleep. The next morning she was perfectly OK and no different to her usual sunny self.

It will not kill your baby if she is left for one evening. Go out and enjoy yourself.

[crokky]

Your DD sounds like my DS. If he cannot have me, he will cry uncontrollably until I come back (I am SAHM). My mum managed to put him to bed once, she drove him around so he fell asleep.

Children are all different - probably most 19 month olds would be fine with what you have suggested, but your DD may get upset. If you can't get out of going, I would make sure you speak to the babysitter and say she must call you if DD has been crying too long etc and you will come back in a taxi.

[oystercatcher]

Spoke to DH again this morning and he is sulking about it, I got the 'oh do what you want' as he went out!

I will go and see them but will play it by ear to see how she reacts when we get there. Like Anna8888, I like these friends but all communication goes thru DH. I think today I will call them and warn them, but perhaps if the sitter comes and stays when Im there and then if I feel happy to leave for a bit I could pop out for a drink but not the meal. Have taken out dd before to restaurants and she is really well behaved unless extremely tired ( she wont sleep tho!) - it wasn't an option this time tho. She was up several times last night, so I really could do with a quiet night in!

Her sleep is a problem born of bad exzema when little/breastfeeding/DH and I not sticking to a plan when she wakes.....and probably a host of other stuff too! We make headway then something comes along and we start over again. Has been like that on and of since she was 10months.

DH even leveled at me last night saying 'when you were pregnant we agreed our life wouldnt change'......I told him that I really had no idea what it would be like and lots of things have changed - personally I think for the better but he is simply missing late nights out and sex on tap! But his lack of empathy doesn't help either as I become ever more protective over dd's needs.

[bigboydiditandranaway]

You poor thing, i do sympathise.

I'm sorry but i also would prefer not to do what you are suggesting either.

Could you instead, ask these friends over to yours and order a take away or cook them a meal. They get their night out and if your dh is so intent on going out could the guys go for a pint after your meal?

[LoveMyGirls]

I would try it, you never know it may be fine and if not you won't have lost anything will you. Your dd may cry but its ojnly noise and tears she will be fine, she won't be scared for life because you went out for one night honestly she wont. Try to enjoy it, stay sober-ish just incase but don't not go, your friends have gone to effort to get a babysitter and they really want you to come out because they like your company, you and your dh need a life too, I don't actually blame him for being annoyed sometimes men need to spend time with the person they married and have a laugh and fun with them, don't you need that too? (i know I do now and again, it doesn't mean I don't love my kids or care theyre upset, my children are used to being left - usually at pil admittidly but children do adapt quite well to new environments etc)

Are you going for the weekend or 1 night? Could you suggest going for 2 nights so the first night you are there and she can get used to the surroundings then the 2nd night go out? (to make you feel a bit better?)

[aGalChangedHerName]

Hi Oystercatcher

I would feel the same as you tbh. I definitly wouldn't leave my 18 month old (or any age) dd with someone they had never met esp if used to mummy doing the bedtime routine.

I have 4dc (16,12,3.5,1.5) and i haven't suffered overly much from not using babysitters my dc didn't know.

I think your dh is being a twat actually,he knows how you parent your dd and yet he arranged to have a night out and leave your dd in a strange house wth an unknown babysitter?

I am a CM and i know and have seen first hand how some dc react to being left with a carer they don't know and it ain't pleasant for either party. I agree you and your dh need your own time and we all do but i waited until my dc could happily be left with nana etc and it was fine as i could relax and enjoy myself.

If you feel strongly about it stick to your guns!!

[car25]

I wouldn't leave my LO with someone unknown in unfamiliar surroundings.

Can't your OH just go on his own?

Failing that can't you all just get a takeway and stay in? Or how about you go over to their house and look after your little one and babysit their child while the others go out?

[Acinonyx]

I would feel the same. Do you think your dc will mind being left with a sitter or is the biggest problem getting to bed? We are starting to think about asking soemone dd knows to sit (she's now 2.5) and if they can't get her off to sleep I would tell them just to let her stay up - not to force it. Would that help?

Otherwise I would say stick to your guns and tell dh that if he feels that strongly about going out then you need to introduce your dc to a regular babysitter of your own that she can get to know.

[kindersurprise]

I do sympathise with your problem, the first time I left DD with a babysitter I was a wreck. She was not bothered at all, had a great time with her auntie.

Tbh, I do believe it is important that you and your dh go our together occasionally, on your own. But, it is probably not a good idea to be so rushed into it. I would also be wary of a babysitter that my DD had never met previously.

How would you feel if you were to organise a babysitter of your own chosing, to babysit at home in familiar surroundings to your babysitter and go out for a few hours?

We always ask the babysitter to come an hour before bedtime, she plays with the DCs and puts them to bed. It means paying an extra hour, but if they do waken up, then they know that the babysitter is there, and not Mama.

In this instance, I would agree with the other posters, go with your own instincts, maybe go out for a drink with your friends then go back.

Or you could phone before you go the restaurant and ask if everything is ok. If the restaurant is not to far away, the babysitter could ring you if there was a problem. Would that work?

[holidaywonk]

I have been thinking about this and it sounds sooo much like something my partner would do. In his case, he would have simply said 'yes' to whatever suggestion was made by his friends, out of embarrassment or clulessness, and then - when he realised that he should have discussed with me first rather than simply saying 'yes' - he would get defensive and bad-tempered.

I don't think you should feel as though you have to make excuses about your dd's sleep patterns. She's still a baby, and we don't all fancy letting them cry themselves to sleep. DS2 (who's nearly 3| still bfs to sleep and is dependent on me for his bedtime routine; I'm sure there are plenty of others out there who are the same.

When your DH has calmed down a bit, it sounds as though you need to have an in-depth conversation about your expectations (both of you). If it's really important to him to have evenings out without the kids, then you need to work out together a gentle plan for getting your dd to sleep without you. In the first instance, your DH is likely to bear the brunt of this, as the most logical thing is for him to gradually take over the bedtime routine. Once she has got used to him (and getting to sleep without bf), you can then think about introducing other people.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I think you should be talking to the friends yourself if you are going to leave your child with their baby sitter.

I think your DH is being an arse.

I think you are right to feel uncomfortable to leave your child with someone you do not know, especially on top of her sleeping
difficulties.

How will you enjoy your time out if you are fretting about the baby anyway?

[oystercatcher]

We went for the one night in the end. I am so so grateful for all your comments and advice here - Holidaywonk you have such a valid point about Dh's actions..... We had a nice evening in to start the evening off and they did invite the babysitter over - after dinner at home, I was cajoled into going out for a quick drink....I thought Id show willing but wanted dd asleep before - dd got wind of what was happening and freaked out to the point of making herslf sick!(babysitter was lovely, but quite young with all the kindness in the world wouldn't have coped with our dd and a fairly livley 8 yr old) DD finally, after being totally overstimulated, excited etc, went to sleep at 10.50pm and by which time I was really too tired to go to the local pub. DD was tired and grumpy all day today and when she thought it was bedtime at their house (we got her ready for bed, then had car journey home) she paniced and freaked out again thinking the same thing was happening. Dh friend has only experience of older children - why are all these blokes in their early thirtys so clueless?!!lol

[policywonk]

Aw, your poor DD getting panicky. It is an awful lot to ask of a poor tot who has only ever been used to going to sleep with mum.

Is your DH still in a grump about it? Has he seen the error of his ways?

DP and I haven't had a night out on our own (past about 9pm) for five years... but I don't worry about it as it's what I signed up for.

[Swedes2Turnips1]

I have been out only a handful of times in the last two years because of my control freakery over babysitters. We have a good social life by inviting people to come and eat and drink with us. It is only temporary and not worth making yourself or your DD anxious. Could you all get a lovely take-away instead?

[SantaBeClausImWorthIt]

I think there's a bigger issue here than going out for one night. It sounds to me as if your dh is getting tired of your dd ruling the roost. And, to be quite honest, I don't blame him. She is 19 months old, not a newborn.

She should be capable of going down to sleep quite happily on her own by now, and sleeping through the night, so you ought to be able to have more of a relationship with each other.

Sounds like your dh is frustrated by the lack of time for the two of you.

And I couldn't help but feel that you were actually quite pleased that dd behaved the way that she did, because it vindicated your anxieties.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I was your dh I would be cross as well.

[policywonk]

'She should be capable of going down to sleep quite happily on her own by now, and sleeping through the night.

Hmm - that is opinion (obv. one shared by the OP's DH), not fact - tis a matter of parenting style, surely. The problem here is that the OP likes one style and her DH prefers another.

[Acinonyx]

We haven't been out together either. Actually I'm the one who is getting royally fed up with that, and if dh was interested I would ask one of dd's nursery staff to babysit and get dd used to it. He's really not though. So I can see your dh's POV - but this is not the solution.

NO WAY would I have a stranger put dd to bed (or babysit - but that's just my problem not dd's).

[oystercatcher]

we have a good social life locally too and when we socailse at home it is fine.
Agree with SBCIWI in that there's a bigger issue -
Agree dd should be sleeping much better that this - been working on it but she suffers from exzema and I still bf as she has milk allergy......my fault she still feeds from breast most of time to fall asleep, its catch 22 with that and something I need to tackle.
DH has a good social life and for most of my pregnancy and the best part of our dd's life has been very single minded about it and inconsiderate of my needs as a new mum (drinking, late night 'stag night' behavior, to the point where I nearly left him) Yes dd is demanding but I feel I compensate for his lack of attention and compassion for dd. Dh adores dd and is getting better with her, but I get irritated when he makes plans without thinking them through properly and the limitations of having baby with us. Yes policywonk - it feels as though I am the parent and dh is just there wanting our life back as it was without dd. This morning he said 'I can't wait for them to be mine again' talking about my nipples! as dd was feeding. I do understand him but it drives me mad as I feel pulled in two directions. Im no supermum, I certainly do not have all the answers but dh has never helped in the night, hasn't changed a pooey nappy since she started solids and she would be fed bisuits all day if I didnt feed her - I love him very much but he is clueless, he wouldnt know what a parenting style was. Most of his mates are single or couples without kids. I give him lots of attention when I can.

[nannynick]

Oyster, I don't think your DH is unreasonable in requesting that you spend an evening out together, without your DD... but I do think he is unreasonable in wanting you to leave your DD with someone you, or your DD have never met. As a nanny, I babysit, and I meet families prior to babysitting so that children are not left with a complete stranger.

I do however agree with some other posters, regarding the amount of 'control your DD is having... by 19 months, your DD should not be waking often during the night, should not be reliant on breastfeeds (can she not have EBM, soya formula, rice milk - plus should be getting quite a lot of protein from solid foods) and should not take ages to get to sleep.

On this occasion, I think you are right to not want to leave your DD with someone you and your DD do not know... but for future, I feel for the sake of your family, you need to start 'letting go' a bit. Find a trusted reliable babysitter, who will spend time with your DD when she is awake, taking over the early evening routine, so that you and DH can spend qualify child-free time together.

What did you end up doing this weekend?

[nannynick]

Has your DH never fed your DD? Could you express breast milk, so DH can give a feed to your DD each day - and thus in the process bond better with her?