I have no support network. No one to call upon, without it being a liberty. Would you advertise for a "Mrs Doubtfire"

[Oblomov]

Neither of our mums live nearby. My sil is moving soon. My neighbours are lovely, but I don't want to impose.
I am a diabetic and dh is a type 2 diabetic aswell. My mum has expressed concern that I have no support network - I am currently pregnant , although may have miscarried. My mum worries how I will cope.
What do others do, who have no family round them ?
I have considered placing an advert, so that I might find a nice older lady who could be called upon, or for babysitting, or in an emergency I would have someone to call upon.
What are the alternatives ?

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think that sounds a good idea. Or, I know you don't want to impose on your neighbours, but don't forget that sometimes people actually really like to be asked to help, and feel quite happy, so don't discount that idea completely.

Is your ds at school or pre-school? Maybe you could ask one of his helpers or teachers if they are aware of anyone who would like to be available for babysitting/emergencies etc.

I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation with the pregnancy, that must be absolute hell - I hope you find out for sure very soon.

[PenelopePitstops]

oblomov that sounds like a hard sitution you are in.

WHat area are you in, are there any mnetters around you?

Also on the babysitting side you may find a reliable student or teenager who is able to step in a short notics and planned things.

[Oblomov]

Last week I was admitted to hospiatl for 5 days becasue of diabetes /pregnancy.
I don't work fri or mon. My sil had ds for fri. But she is a SAHM, with 2 under 4, and she is moving and I know that she would ALWAYS help in an emergency. And I am grateful for that. But this will change.
On the mon. Our friend who ds & I see once a week or so, with a slightly younger ds, had our ds.
I was very grateful to them both.
We do have a babysitter - the niece of our next door neighbour - a young girl - very nice, so for an occassional christmas party or dinner out, she is fine.
I have two lovely neighbours who I have both offered in an emergency. One of them had him for 3 hours once, when I need to go to hospital.
I like to think that I could call on them in an emergency, but I want to limit it to that very thing - i.e an emergency and not to have to ask them, say more than once a year.

Ds is 3.9 and at a nursery at my work. He will start school in Sept next year. Will I meet mums, who would have him, in an emergency ? I hope so, but I don't want to rely on them, or take the mick.

When I was younger, having no grand parents, I had a nan. She was an elderly woman, hired by mum, who basically had no commitments and could be called upon at any time, if I was unwell, or she would come and 'sit' for the school holidays - she did nothing. She was just there. I was off playing with my friends from next door. Nipping in and out every-so-often.
I think that two diabetics, with a mum that currentlyu works part time, who has no family, needs a "nan".
Someone who ds would like, who would come round and sit for him. But what if we had a new baby, would they be able to look after him/her ?
What if baby was unwell, or had chicken pox, what If I needed to go to the hospital ?
I know schools have breakfast clubs and after school clubs, but I don't want ds there all the time. I didn't have him to cart him off to someone else.
My mum thinks I need a support system. And without one my quality of life and marriage would suffer. Maybe I need to ask her exactly what it is she recommends, or how to create this so called support system.
What do other people do ?

[lljkk]

If you can afford a Mrs. Doubtfire then why not?

I wouldn't expect to meet other helpful mums -- I mean, I guess it happens, but it might not, and anyway you don't want to impose if you can possibly help it.

"What do other people do ?"

With about 20 minutes notice I have sent school-age children to after school/holiday club, for DH to pick up after his work, when I had to rush a preschooler to hospital, not knowing when we might return. I would (personally) always make this my first choice unless I absolutely had to ask a neighbour/other to help out. I suppose something similar could be worked out with a childminder, too, if they had spaces.

You could take the child with you to hospital until your DH could come fetch them. Technically, DC could go into care if both you & your DH were in hospital and nobody else was willing to take the DC.

[mufti]

have you thought of homestart?

[Oblomov]

Mufti - I consider homestart a charity for people who are really in dire straits and need help and support. Have I got that wrong. Becasue that is not really my situation.
LLjkk - putting ds into care is not something I was even considering. I was more after an kind old lady, or a childminder, someone with time on their hands to help me out when I get stuck.
I am thinking that you both have misunderstood what, a little, what it is I am trying to achieve here.

[mufti]

oh i am sorry, hope i havent offended. from what i understand, they , befriend, and help in emotional and practical ways.

[Neverenough]

Why don't you speak to the Parish Priest and local Vicar? They may know of someone, or there may be a church newsletter you can advertise in.Put up a notice in the local PO.

[Oblomov]

No offense taken.
Surely I can find someone like my old 'nan' ?
Has no one else done this? Where are all the other mumsnetters who have no family round them ?

[Neverenough]

I employ a Nanny. But I know not everyone can manage that.

[Neverenough]

Alternatively, you could speak to your Health Visitor who may be able to point you in the direction of something helpful.

[ClaphamLauren]

Oblomov - where in Surrey are you?

[Oblomov]

Chertsey

[handlemecarefully]

"Ds is 3.9 and at a nursery at my work. He will start school in Sept next year. Will I meet mums, who would have him, in an emergency ? I hope so, but I don't want to rely on them, or take the mick.2

Yes you will - if you are at the school gates at least some of the time for pick up and drop off and can do the occasional recriprocal thing.

My dd is at school and ds at Pre-School. One of the other mums has a ds the same age. She picked him up after Pre-School today (when it finished at noon) to play with her ds so that I could have some free time. I'm doing the same for her in reverse next week....so mutually beneficial arrangement

[Oblomov]

Handlemecarefully - I am sure / hope you are right.
Do you think that is enough though ? Do I not need more support that just kindly mums ?

[handlemecarefully]

I find it enough for me, however we are talking about you and your situation. I see no harm in doing what you suggest and advertising for a Mrs Doubtfire...but I would also do my best to cultivate others mums at school (when the time comes for your ds to attend)if I were you. It can work very well

[Oblomov]

I would be more than happy / would even love to have someone elses children on my days off - mon & fri, and the weekends. But no one has ever asked me.
But what if the same as last week happened again - I was admitted to Kings hospital ( Denmark hill - 2 hrs away from Chertsey) - I need someone to help in this situation. Or if ds , or if we were able to have another baby, could look after them both ( assuming that they were just under the weather and not VERY ill)
My sil will not be able to do this for me anymore.

[handlemecarefully]

Why not get a paid mothers help for a half day per week or something affordable - you might be glad of that when the baby comes along. You will probably then find that the person who does this for you will also take your children at short notice in an emergency.

I had a mothers help for a while (local woman, I advertised in newsagent!) when ds was small

[Fennel]

We've been in that position several times (when we first had a baby, and then when we moved a long way from all friends and family. What I did was work quite hard at making a support network - making new friends, I suppose, who call on me and I call on them for childcare and emergency support. This only works though if you can offer childcare and emergency support back. We have my single mother friend's child overnight sometimes and for the 3 days a year she's doing inset days and he's off school. Also it's a bit down to luck of course whether you meet people you can swap with but there are lots of parents around who do like to reciprocate on childcare, lifts etc.

We also have a local childminder who I know a bit socially and she will cover emergencies. You could ask around about that.

[gameboy]

To be honest I think you would only find a person like the sort you are describing if you were prepared to offer regular hours/work in the first place e.g. 2 days after school care or something. I don't think there are that many people out there with 'no commitments' these days, ready and willing to be called upon on the occasional basis you are describing.

I think cultivating friendships with other mums woulod be your best route tbh.

[handlemecarefully]

See Fennel is advocating same thing! It does pay off you know

[Neverenough]

If your diabetes is so brittle that you need help at the drop of a hat, can't see other mothers being happy to leave their children with you.

[Oblomov]

Handlemecarefully - thank you for appreciating what my situation is - for your understanding - I will / hope to make friends with other mums.
Plus ds's school is a catholic, so I will talk to the Priest.
I wonder whether I should contact childminders aswell, just to have someone else to ring in an emergency - or that a waste of time ?

[handlemecarefully]

"To be honest I think you would only find a person like the sort you are describing if you were prepared to offer regular hours/work in the first place"

Agree - hence suggestion that if you do go down this route you will need to most likely pay them for a set few hours weekly as mothers help

[gameboy]

Someone else's Au Pair? We used to have an au pair, and all our friends used to 'borrow' her (for pay) in times of need, as they knew we thought she was great, and she obviously had experience with kids of the same age...