Do you ever worry that what you do now when the children are little will impact them in the future?

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

I am talking the not so great things.

Not enough attention.
Sending them to their rooms/the corner/naughty step.
Shouting at them.

etc etc etc

Especially when you know you should be doing better?

[Tinker]

Yes, yes, yes

[HuwEdwards]

yes, frequently.

especialy shouting - am a very shouty mum.

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

Thank God it isn't just me.

My childhood was so bad I am going to write a book of it one day (not to get published, just to get it out) and I know I only get one chance at this but it is so damn hard.

I can't seem to trust my instincts. Too worried about what is the right thing to do and what I should be doing and what would other people say, etc etc etc

[StealthPolarBear]

not enough attention yes, i seem to be permanently wanting ds to amuse himself while i do other things

[StealthPolarBear]

like ordering TV based board games on the internet

[silversparkler]

All the time.
I think I believe they will all be in therapy in their twenties, complaining about how badly treated they were...
Well, actually, I bloomin well hope not!!!

[OverMyDeadBody]

yes, all the time

[Lizzylou]

Constantly, then every now and then I have "good mummy" bursts and make myself feel better

I try to have one a day and then I don't feel so bad about the CBEEBIES addicts I have bred.

[TellusMater]

I think they will remember my shoutiness .

I remember the less than perfect things my parents did, but affectionately, because, on the whole, they were (are) pretty great parents.

[Elibean]

Yes. And, probably like you, I suspect my worrying about what I do/don't and not trusting my instincts is more of a problem than anything else

I find when I go into a tail spin about something I've done/not done to the dds, its usually because something from my own childhood has been triggered...thankfully, dh is fairly grounded, has different issues, and can give me good reality checks

And I also seem to be raising dds who will have no problem telling me whats wrong, what feels good and what feels bad, so can expect some feedback from them!

[TheMadHouse]

This was the only reason I agreed to go with DH to the doctors about my depression. The last thing I want is my children knowing what a fruitcake I am and feeling about me the way I feel and felt about my mum (who has suffered depression most of her life).

[madamez]

Yes, but then, there's an awful lot of pressure on people, particularly women, to worry about it. The ore we worry, the more we'll spend on wanky how-to-parent books/DVDs/seminars. People who are happy and confident with their choices are not easy prey for advertisers, because they are less likely to fall for the 'buy this and your life will improve' message. THere's also a low level culturual worry that women are starting to want too much (autonomy, equal pay, men to do their fair share of housework and childcare) and they mustn't be allowed to thik they are right about anything.

[Dinosaur]

In answer to the OP - yes. All the time. Don't we all? I worry that they will remember DH's shoutiness and general control-freakery, and my sadness and fits of crying.

[Bink]

Do you have a feeling for what you do that they specially like, though? Isn't it possible that that's what they'll remember?

My guilt is too much guilt-tripping (a tricky side-effect of trying, in particular with ds, to help him see how his behaviour affects other people - which for various reasons I think I am obliged to do, in his own interests).

But I also do good things - I make them laugh, loads; and I find them books they love; and organise things for fun; and that sort of thing. I think/hope those things outweigh the negative ...

[mylittlefreya]

Loads and loads. I didn't know how to start a topic like this, thank you NAB3 and thank you to the people that have replied.

I have a lot of issues from not being happy as a child. My mother was very angry, made me feel very guilty, and very inadequate. I was never an angry person until sleep deprivation and frustration and, and, and - you know what it's like. I have shouted at dd and she is only 10 1/2 months. I feel awful. I wonder if I am more messed up than my mother, I have bipolar (fairly well controlled) and I wonder if I am going to have a daughter that hurts even more than I have done.

Reading 'why love matters' was empowering for me in some ways, and in some just reinforced my fears of how I really could screw it all up just in the first year or two. I wonder if I am "good enough".

My sister had a few wise words - that the fact you wonder and worry about that answers the question - you are good enough.

[crayon]

Yes, all the time.

[pointydog]

I used to a bit.

But then all those little unperfect things I did just mounted up as the years went by and I lost track of all the unperfect things I did. And I looked at the kids and thoiught, 'they're ok, none of it matters taht much'

[emmaagain]

The whole Ekkhart Tolle The Power of Now thang is a good way of learning to relish each moment :-)

[HairyIrene]

but humans make mistakes
and i realised that of my parents when i grew up and made my own..
agree with madamex too

[HairyIrene]

oh mis read op!

[edam]

agree with Hairy Irene. I'd say I had a happy childhood, bar my parents' divorce, but as an adult I can see they made some mistakes. Doesn't bother me, we are all only human and I make plenty with ds. I just try not to make the same mistake too often and apologise to ds if I do screw up.

No doubt he will give me a huge list of all the things I've done wrong when he's an adult! But I shall laugh at it and point out I could give a similarly lengthy list to my own parents, and them to theirs before them.

[TheMadHouse]

I wish I could feel like that, I am a good mum (most of the time), but feel like a bad one. I have my issues with my mum and unfortunatly these are rubbing off

[Issy]

I try very hard not to. DH and I both had parents who routinely ignored us (them were the '70s and that's what you did - packet of crisps and a squash in the pub car park anyone?), not infrequently shouted and very occasionally smacked us, but whilst all of that is vaguely remembered, it's entirely trivial against a general background of love, encouragement, warmth and humour. Both our parents were normal, complex, flawed, busy adults who got it right most of the time, somewhat wrong occasionally and disastrously wrong once or twice. This isn't a 'it didn't do me no harm' message, but it's an illustration of the premise that parenting isn't like flying a plane, one false move and you plunge to earth. Parenting is closer to nurturing a garden. It's a long game, despite what garden make-over programmes and two weeks with SuperNanny might suggest. A garden requires constant attention, love and effort if it is to flourish but sporadic mistakes, occasional slumping in a deck-chair in the sun and the odd non-Titchmarsh approved quirk will not stop it blooming.

[shreddies]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as my mum is very depressed atm and I was thinking that what I want most for ds is an example of how to live happily - I do think there is some skill to it. Please don't think that for one minute that I am belittling depression, but I think there is a lot that you can do about general down-ness. My mum was often very unhappy when I was a child and it had a profound effect on me and my expectations of what life should be like.