A question for MUSLIM parents from a NON MUSLIM.

[drosophila]

DS goes to a school with a large number of Muslims (probably the majority religion) and his best friend is a Muslim. They are 7. Recently he told me that his friend told him that his Dad said that he could only have other Muslim kids to play and he could only go to the houses of other Muslim kids. I get the impression that they are fairly strict traditional Muslims.

My question is what should I say to my son when he asks me to explain it to him bearing in mind he is hurt. We are not religious and DP went into a long talk about religion and I think a lot of it went over his head. Also how common would you say this? My suspicion is that his Dad is very strict as he also said to his son he could have friends who were clever. DS fulfills this requirement [smile}

[admylin]

Ds has a majority of muslim kids in his class and they tend to go home and stay home after school, they don't invite or come round.
It's a shame, I think the parents could just be scared that he might get the wrong food if you gave him a ham sandwich for example and they don't all communicate much so hard for them to just say please don't give him any food that has pork meat in. It would help if you knew the parents too, once you get to know them and they see that you understand about certain foods etc, they would maybe let him come round.

[drosophila]

Joke is I probably know more about food aoidance than any Muslim parent as DS has several (5) severe food allergies.

[hippmummy]

I personally think the father sounds a bit ignorant and this has nothing to do with religion. (only clever friends ffs!).

My neice is mixed race and was chatting to a little girl at soft play who told her she's 'only allowed to talk to other white kids'

In answer to your question I think you should just say to your son that some grown-ups are not very fair and do make mistakes, which is sad, but he can still be friends with the little boy at school. I wouldn't make it sound like this is normal Muslim behaviour.

[drosophila]

Funny story. DS came home and told us tha this friend had to have an operation on his Willy and if he didn't he would die. I guess it was circumcision and then had to explain again about the role religion plays in some peoples lives.

[oliveoil]

I would be really annoyed

can you imagine if it was the other way round and YOU said this about his son?

you would be arrested probably for racist abuse or somesuch

does he have any other friends he could invite round?

[drosophila]

Off course DS could be wrong in his retelling of the story.

[oliveoil]

does the mother do the school run/pick up drop off?

maybe invite the son via her and see what sort of response you get

[JoolsToo]

I agree OO. Everyone needs to integrate.

[admylin]

Why not try the Usborne book of world religions or World religions by David Self. My 2 dc have had contact with people of all religions and I got those books to explain what the differences are, why some things are important to one religion and not to another etc. The major religions are such a part of our every day life now a days even if you aren't religeous yourselves at home that I think it's a good idea to help kids to understand early on why people are different.

[drosophila]

Ad will look for that. Thanks

[meowmix]

I've had this (I live in a Muslim country) and managed to meet the Dad as he dropped off his son and said how much we'd like to meet them as a family and had them round for tea (cakes etc). Since then its been ok.

Could you do that or get your DH too? It may be that if he is traditional he wants to be sure that you'll be respectful of their way of living?

[ScottishThistle]

I'd approach the Mother, you'll soon know whether it's a go-er or not!

[drosophila]

Never see the mother.

[macdoodle]

Agh if this was the other way round (you said your kid could only play with white kids) you would be shot down mutilated and told off by the school for being rascist - IMHO this is worse as it is rascism disguised by religous freedom - can you not send note home to parents asking if you could chat about "visits"/playdates and explain you are happy to respect their religon/wishes but your DS would ove to play with their boy (thats the nice way) - the other way is to complain to school bout rascist actions !

[fuzzywuzzy]

I wouldn't say this is common at all, we have all and sundry through our house (dear god my girls are only 2 and 4 it's going to stadily escalate isn't it???).....I've never considered vetting a child on the basis of their religion and I happen to be incredibly anti-social (nothing to do with my religion either, I just am).

[burek]

maybe it has to do with the attitude towards other religions in the place they come from - IF they are not born in the UK. Like Meawmix I live in a country with majority muslim (in this area anyway) and you do sometimes come across people who are suspicious of and don't like socialising with westerners. A friend of ours was forbidden from visiting our house by her FIL because we are not muslims, for example. It isn't that common here though and often has more to do with coming from a conservative (small c) rural area too.

Usually striking up conversation and showing you are 'normal' people () helps people get over it.

[NotQuiteCockney]

This sort of attitude is common in my neighbourhood, I gather. (DS1 doesn't go to local schools.) This is really more of a cultural thing than a religious thing, imo - there are lots of Muslims who don't feel this way, I'm sure.

Our local Muslims are nearly all Bengali, from a particular part of Bangladesh, and quite a close-knit community.

[fuzzywuzzy]

A lot of it is down to fear too, when your mosque has had burning petrol soaked rags posted thro the letterbox at night.

When you've been set upon by thugs screaming threats and iunsults, when you are made to feel a lesser person because of your beliefs you don't feel terribly social and are scared your child is defenceless without you there.....

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm sure that's part of it - our local Muslim community is very visible and largely recent immigrants. I'd be very surprised if most of them weren't at some point subjected to abuse in the streets.

[Rusty]

But the converse isn't 'white kids only' is it? - because presumably this family wouldn't let their son play with Hindus or Sikhs, but would be OK with a white Muslim family.
I knew someone at university who belonged to the Plymouth Brethren & when she was little she was only allowed to play with children from Christian families.

[Hallgerda]

drosophila, my children have had Muslim friends round to play. I'm sure you wouldn't cause terrible offence just by talking to your son's friend's parents and trying to invite him. Could it be the case that the friend and his family have had problems in the past with non-Muslims who haven't wanted playdates with Muslims, and the friend's deduced that such things are generally arranged on religious lines?

I wouldn't attempt to explain anything to your son until you've had a word with the friend's parents and found out what the true situation is.

[NikkiBFG]

I'm Muslim and would have no problem with DS having non muslim friends - in fact, most of my friends are non muslim as I'm a convert to Islam and don't know many muslim women where I live....

I'd see it as a great opportunity for mixing, broadening cultural horizons etc - I love meeting people from different religions/backgrounds and would want DS to be as broadminded!

[drosophila]

Hall I did invite him to DS's bday and could not get a response from him.. The family are from Somalia and are fairly recent immigrants to the UK. I happen to know from another mum that others in the Somalian community think the family is a bit strange.

DS was talking about it again recently and said that M (his friend) looked sad as he said it.

[CoteDAzur]

I was born in a Muslim country to (non-practicing) Muslim parents, but never believed even in God. [And was fortunate that this was a place where they didn't kill people for saying so ]

If parents are indeed devout Muslims, and arrived recently from Somalia, they would probably be trying to limit the influence of "heathens" on their boy. They would have heard stories of how young Muslims mix with non-Muslims and end up going to pubs etc.

If it's any consolation - When I was about your DS' age, I said in religion class (1 hr/week) what I thought about the whole thing, and a couple of the kids told their parents and were banned from talking to me. It didn't last long and definitely did not traumatize me. I think your DS is old enough to understand that he is not inadequate or anything, and it is the parents of the other kid who are the guilty party.

By the way, I had quite a few Jewish kids in my class and there was never any segregation. The behaviour of this kid's parents is definitely not normal Muslim behaviour.