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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Asking DC's to kiss people goodbye

31 replies

xStefx · 07/12/2016 14:24

First post, please be gentle :-)
With Christmas coming up I thought it would be an appropriate time to ask this question. Ive always told my daughter not to kiss people goodbye and just wave unless its very close relatives e.g Nanny and grampy ..
last year I took my DD who was then 3 to my MIL's family party and when it was time to leave my MIL asked my poor daughter to basically go round and kiss everyone goodbye (now a good 20 people , mostly strangers to my daughter may I add were puckering up for her). My poor daughter looked shy about this and I told her (quite loudly) to just give a wave as we had to be going. Well it was brought up about 3 weeks later (in jan) that my MIL thought I was rude in front of her family and I told her that I actually thought it was rude making my DD kiss people she didn't know ( I don't want her thinking she has to give someone a kiss because she is asked for one). Mil's response was a tut and a shake of the head followed by her mumbling that I was being silly.

We have another family party next week yay :-( and I intend to do the same and not force my daughter into giving kisses to people she doesn't know. Am I just being oversensitive (as it is extended family) or do any of you agree?

OP posts:

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INeedNewShoes · 07/12/2016 14:27

Completely unnecessary and slightly weird for your MIL to think this is appropriate if it was people your child doesn't know. It was probably a bit strange for some of the adults too!

Some of my friend's children will give me a hug or a kiss goodbye but I don't expect it (or want it really).

I would just step in at the point you're leaving and say audibly, 'let's wave goodbye to everyone' or something like that and then head for the door.

LateToTheParty · 07/12/2016 14:27

No I think you've done the right thing. You are teaching your daughter an important lesson about consent & bodily autonomy. A wave (handshake/high five/fist bump) is fine as an alternative.

ScarletOverkill · 07/12/2016 14:28

I agree completely OP but I think I might be in the minority. It doesn't feel right to me that we are making children kiss people if they aren't comfortable doing it. I think it sends the wrong message.

DancingDinosaur · 07/12/2016 14:30

She doesn't need to kiss everyone.

xStefx · 07/12/2016 14:30

Its hard because all of my DH's siblings let their children kiss whoever MIl's demands they kiss and then I look a bit like the "fussy , oversensitive one"
I will stick to my guns, I just wanted to make sure other people agreed with me and I wasn't on my own here

Thankyou

OP posts:

bummymummy77 · 07/12/2016 14:31

Totally agree. Poor ds doesn't see his UK family very often and they all wants kisses and hugs and I always put my foot down and tell him he doesn't have to.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 07/12/2016 14:32

I've always told ds to kiss someone if he wants, not if he doesn't. As long as he says hello and goodbye nicely and he has good manners it's entirely up to him who he kisses. He's 4, and such a grumpy little monkey he sometimes doesn't even want to kiss grandparents so I'm not going to make him kiss strangers!

TheMortificadosDragon · 07/12/2016 14:34

ITA, OP. Your MIL was out of line - making small children kiss people may have once been the norm but it really isn't now.

I remember the sheer relief in my small DNs faces when I solemnly offered them a hand to shake when we met and parted. At some point during teenage they started offering hugs, which was nice!

Phoebeby · 07/12/2016 14:36

Completely agree, my dc would not kiss anyone they didn't know & its a good lesson to learn.

Its also really awkward to be on the other side of - i have extended family members/who force their kids to kiss me goodbye

Just be very firm, don't wobble or she'll keep going on about it.

Maybe make a lighthearted thing of it?? Eg say yeeurgh I really hated having to kiss adults when I was a child, I won't be making dd do that!

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 14:37

You've done the right thing

It's important a child learns early on their own bodily right and have a say on what can and can't happen with their own body

Obviously things like nappy changing and having to have a bath can't be negotiated about, but having to kiss people goodbye can

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2016 14:38

I have a 2 year old and she can be very shy. If she doesn't want to kiss someone we have taught her to give a high five and that seems to go down ok.

Chottie · 07/12/2016 14:39

Please, please be firm and don't insist your DCs kiss all and sundry. I just hate this.....

TheMortificadosDragon · 07/12/2016 14:41

Phoebe - try offering a hand to shake instead, if they look reluctant - usually more acceptable especially if you palm them some money or a sweet.

JigglyTuff · 07/12/2016 14:42

I don't think you'll be in the minority at all. Kissing people when you don't want to sends a terrible message out to young children - especially girls- that their boundaries are unimportant and don't deserve respect from adults.

Get you husband to tell your MIL

OFFFS · 07/12/2016 14:43

You are absolutely right about this. It's a REALLY important lesson to teach children, that their bodies belong to them and it's their choice. It's all about consent, and not doing things you aren't comfortable doing because someone else wants you to, or you are expected to.

Really, really important. Teach her it's ok to say 'no'.

xStefx · 07/12/2016 14:45

Ive never been known to mince my words when it comes to my MIL (she hates that about me) I was more worried that my SIL and BIL will think im being mean :-(
My DH agrees with me but likes an easy life (typical bloke)
Phoebeb - that's a good idea, also NerrSnerr I think ill get her to offer one of them instead :-)

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Thumbcat · 07/12/2016 14:48

You are right OP so stick to your guns. My MIL is the same and thinks it's rude that I don't make DS kiss people.

TataEs · 07/12/2016 15:08

my mil and grandmother are like this too... ds1 doesn't do kissing, it drives them both mad. but i always say he only has to say goodbye.
ds2 is the opposite and wants to to full on mouth kiss everyone! he's a liability!

xStefx · 07/12/2016 15:17

lol tata that made me laugh :-)

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Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 15:19

I am totally on board with the view that she shouldn't have to kiss anyone, close relatives or not. I never kiss my nieces or nephew, instead waiting for them to offer a kiss if they want to. But you say you have always taught her not to kiss people. Why is that?

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 07/12/2016 15:33

You are 100% right op. Their body, their choice, I would hate to be told to kiss someone if I didn't want to!

ShelaghTurner · 07/12/2016 15:38

I hate this too. My children are made to say hello and goodbye properly but if they don't wish to kiss and hug then they aren't made to. My MIL tends to swoop on them but they don't mind her, and they hug my parents out of choice but otherwise it's up to them. I would never make them have bodily contact with someone they didn't want to. I've had it done far too many times to me and it's horrible.

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xStefx · 07/12/2016 15:59

@ Trifle Only because I feel that she is railroaded and guilt tripped into it. My MIL for example, "aw you must give aunty jean a kiss she will be upset if you don't" and my poor daughter looks at me as if to say "help" (aunty Jean has no teeth and frightens me even) :-)
But yes since she was a baby, when my alcoholic BIL and my own sister who is a heavy smoker were breathing all over her I think that's why I got super sensitive about people kissing my baby, Also , SIL had a cold sore once when DD was about 5 months old and I stopped her kissing her then but she totally understood. I know improbably a bit OCD about it, but I just want her to grow up knowing she is allowed her own personal space. Do I make sense I feel im babbling lol xx

OP posts:

SquedgieBeckenheim · 07/12/2016 16:09

My DD loves to kiss everything, except people! She'll grow up seeing us kiss relatives goodbye, and if she wants to that's fine. At the moment all she'll do is hide in my shoulder or wave. That's cool too.
We don't even force her to give us, as her parents, a kiss goodnight if she doesn't want to. (She normally does, but not always)
It's important to teach that no means no, and we are all in control of our own bodies and boundaries. How do you teach a child it's OK for one adult they don't know to force them into a kiss but not another? Especially when they don't know the adult in question!
Stick to your guns OP!

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 16:17

I would just leave it up to her. Make sure she knows she doesn't have to kiss anyone and then let her do it if she wants to. Otherwise she is going to think there is something wrong with giving kisses, which is sad if she wants to (and some kids do).

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