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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Why do we make each other feel like sh*t?

27 replies

strongteabag · 11/02/2007 13:47

Am fed up of it.

I went out and bought some running bottoms today and bumpd into Dh's female cousin in town. I told her what I had bought and during the conversation she said 'It's Ok to indulge yourself when it is someone elses money you are spending isn't it' and commented on the fact that she would not have time to go running as she works full-time. I came away feeling like crap.

I have 3 boys under 4 1/2, youngest 3 months old. Dh works full time in a 9-5 office job. I clean a house on a Friday afternoon when the oldrest 2 are at Nursery School.(Ok, I do this for me so I can justifiably 'indulge myself' on bits I need or shock horror want) We both sell lots and lots on e-bay and that takes 3 nights of the week...(Admittedly we do that together and DH does a lot of the work with that too)I don't see myself as a lay about but she obviously does.

When I had DS3 a Mother at school asked if I was having any more children and I said maybe and she said 'As long as they keep paying income support'.

Do these people think they are doing me a favour by trying to drag me down. Why can't we just support each other. And please tell me if I am being a paranoid freak.

OP posts:

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Blossomhill · 11/02/2007 13:48

No you are so right and that's why I drop off at school as early as I can and pick up as late. Can't face some of those mothers!

gemmiegoatlegs · 11/02/2007 13:55

i am so sorry you have bad experiences like that. I am a full time student with two under 3s and i was expecting a lot of this but thankfully, everyone has been really supportive of me and impressed that i manage "to fit it all in".

I totally agree that we should support each other more, and that's one of the things i (mostly) like about mn.

Anyway, I think you're doing a fantastic job and that you deserve a treat as much as anyone else.

DetentionGrrrl · 11/02/2007 19:40

You could always come back with 'what is it that you dislike about yourself so much that you feel the need to be so unpleasant?'

ChaCha · 11/02/2007 20:06

I'm actually sorry that you were subject to this kind of comment, how rude!! It seems you handled it well though, not sure what my reaction would have been

I no longer work outside the home, I took my maternity leave summer of 2005 went on to have DS and then started working from home when he was a few months old. Got PG again (due this week) and stopped. I have since for the first time in my life been dependant on a man. I have no qualms about spending my DH's money when we have it, I help run his business, help with his studies, run a household, am frugal with the shopping/bills etc. ensure there is food on the table, and most importantly that my DS is cared for and loved. So if i want to spend some of 'OUR' money (not his - and if i charged for all that i do by the hour he would be bankrupt by now) then i will and with a smile on my face too! Am not an unpaid skivvy and the very fact that you are bringing up 3 young children in the way that you are says the same - so you can tell them all where to go - jealous i suspect too!!! Humph!

Sorry for ramble, baby due this week and i don't know what to be doing with myself...

MilaMae · 11/02/2007 20:13

No you're definately right, thankfully most of my friends that work really acknowledge how hard it is for me (3of 3 and under). 1 of my friends has just returned to full time work as she's had enough of being a SHM. She was kind enough to say she admired me for sticking it out. I admire her too as I know returning hasn't been easy. The only snide comments I've had are from my sister who is normally lovely. She is desperate fof kids so I'm suspecting a bit of jealousy (god knows why). I had a full on career, believe me being a stay at home mum to my 3 is the hardest thing I've ever done!!! I know I shouldn't moan as I am lucky that I can do it but it's still tough at times(rainy aftrernoons particularly). Also my dp says it's our money as I put in just as much hard graft as he does as regards providing for the family-tell her that next time!!!!

strongteabag · 11/02/2007 20:54

Thank you so much for your replies,made me feel miles better! I am lucky too to have a supportive dh who sees the family/finances as a unit. I was upset particularly by the comment today and i guess it knocked my self esteem so thanks for building it back up!

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 11/02/2007 20:58

Gosh, did you just take that off of that woman at the school gate??? What a cheek! I think a rather stern "excuse me !" would have been in order.

As for your DHs cousin, sounds like she is bitter/jealous? Not your problem. I am sure you have made compromises and sacrifices to be a SAHM, jsut as she as to be a WOHM.

MumsUnited · 12/02/2007 07:39

that is actually very shocking, poor you hun, why should women be supported for staying at home with their babies and providing a good stable upbringing for them...after all they are the future of this country! Just you ignore it, sounds like jealousy to me, sounds as though you and your family haveit pretty much sorted ;)

Fattytwoshoes · 12/02/2007 08:05

I think that's awful.
YOU DO have a full time job your a nanny,cleaner a cook, organizer lots, you don't get paid for it that's all iyswim.

About the income support thingy don't listen to it. A friend of mine suggested a really good idea cause i don't talk to anyone up my school and i hate waiting there on my own. Get your self an mp3 player and listen to that, while your wating for them to come out.

Chin up

strongteabag · 12/02/2007 09:26

Thank you.

When the lady commented on income support I was in a group of people I didn't really know and I laughed it off, then went home fuming. TBH I didn't understand what she meant- she probably didn't either. But she did make me feel like people were judging me for having 3 children. Thanks for your support, it gets me how much Mothers can slate each other. Guess you are right in that they are jealous and maybe insecure. And unpleasant. If I had been asking for an argument then fair enough I could take it, but I just want to keep my head down and live a quiet life!

May just go and get an MP3 player, hope I don't bump into Dhs cousin while I am out!

OP posts:

Fattytwoshoes · 12/02/2007 10:08

i suppose they presumed that because you had 3 kids and wanted more you 'must' be on income support and stereotyped you in that catagory. Who cares if you were on income support. I was at one point because my marriage broke up. Stereo type again. Judged you before they know you.

If you want 4 or more kids that's you decision in your life. Sod what other people think. They are insecure or jelouse of you. Rise above it!!

paulaplumpbottom · 12/02/2007 10:34

Thats awful Strongteabag!!!!! You should be supported. I'm sure your cousin probably regretted what she said. You shouyld let her know that she hurt your feelings. She probably feels a bit guilty. She shouldn't because we all do what we have to to get by but I'm sure there is a part of her that wishes she got that time with her children. I would correct the woman at the school gates. What a shocking thing to say. If I were you she would have gotten an earful.

colditz · 12/02/2007 10:55

If you said something like "How dare you speak to me like that! Who do you think you are!?"

She would shrivel.

She sounds like a knob, tbh, how pathetic do you have to be to get your kicks by making epople feel bad!

clarinsgirl · 12/02/2007 11:19

I'm sorry you've come across such cruel people. I quite agree that making each other feel sh*t is just not necessary. No matter what choices you make you will find this happens. I work full time and have at times been shocked by people feeling the need to comment or pass judgement. I say just smile and get on with it,you owe them nothing and it has feck all to do with them.

mabel1973 · 12/02/2007 11:32

you are doing the hardest job in the world, you are entitled to stay at home and bring up your children, your DH works, so how can anyone insinuate that you are living off the state. And as for going out and buying a pair of running bottoms - ffs, it's not excatly a blank cheque book. Ignore them, they are jealous and mean.

lady007pink · 13/02/2007 05:13

Strongteabag, I am fuming after reading this. The money your husband earns is to support you, him and your 3 children, and has nothing to do with his stupid, ignorant cousin. He gets an allowance in his wages for being married, so technically that's your money.
As for the comment about income support - even if you were on income support that's none of her business. Each child you have becomes a future taxpayer and will help to pay the pension of that horrible woman.
I don't bother hanging around the school gates to talk to other mothers, like the other mumsnetters here.

Jonut · 13/02/2007 23:18

A 'friend' once told me that it made her so mad that she worked her a**e off in work all day for her money while if I ever wanted anything or to go anywhere I just had to ask my OH and he would hand it over!! I think she thought I just sat on my bum watching tv while Dd1 amused herself all day!!

paulaplumpbottom · 14/02/2007 13:02

Why on earth do people think like that?

kama · 14/02/2007 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ComeOVeneer · 14/02/2007 13:20

This type of attitude really pee's me off. I worked full time, and supported dh through law school, and it was my money that was the deposit on our first flat. Now I have 2 children I have decided to be a SAHM (certainly for a while). It isn't dh's money I am spending, it is ours. If I was paid for the work I do at home it wouldbe a pretty good wage, seeing as I am a full timme childminder to 2 children, a cleaner, a chef, laundry woman, gardener and I do most of the DIY at home.

housemum · 14/02/2007 13:22

It's just jealousy - I know we can afford for me to stay at home so I do. My life is great, and it is relatively easy in that everything in the home is really down to me so I am my own boss. If I chose to go back to work, we would have loads of money for extras but would be less happy because all the housework etc I do while the kids are at school/pre-school would have to be done when they are around or in the evenings. I don't knock those who work because they have to, but don't let jealousy of those who have the choice mean that you pick on us!

I always wish I had a witty reply for people who are sooo rude - but like you I would have probably just stood there gobsmacked!

housemum · 14/02/2007 13:24

I keep getting subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints from my Mum about "when are you going back to work", or "have you looked at the job ads?" She worked full-time (still does even though she could retire) and can't understand why I don't feel the need to. Difference is she is on her own, so work means a lot to her. I have a houseful so love the luxury of doing the chores, and also having a bit of my own time, while everyone's out.

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ComeOVeneer · 14/02/2007 13:38

What gets me is if you were a childminder people would see you as a working mum, so what is this difference with looking after your own children (just because it isn't paid)

Ripeberry · 16/02/2007 10:30

What it all boils down to is pure jealousy!
Because we don't get paid as SAHMs we MUST be really lazy..feck!
Just because other mothers see you out all day with your little ones, shopping ect they think that you are doing nothing.
People think that of me, but every evening i go to computer classes and at the weekend i work as a home carer.
Before i started my weekend job i used to do voluntuary work for Age Concern helping the elderly with their gardens.
Money is not everything, if you have a supportive partner who enjoys looking after the familly by providing then let him.
Women... we are our own worst enemies!

Ripeberry · 16/02/2007 10:31

What it all boils down to is pure jealousy!
Because we don't get paid as SAHMs we MUST be really lazy..feck!
Just because other mothers see you out all day with your little ones, shopping ect they think that you are doing nothing.
People think that of me, but every evening i go to computer classes and at the weekend i work as a home carer.
Before i started my weekend job i used to do voluntuary work for Age Concern helping the elderly with their gardens.
Money is not everything, if you have a supportive partner who enjoys looking after the familly by providing then let him.
Women... we are our own worst enemies!

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