If your 10yr old dd received a letter and wouldn't let you see it...

[emsiewill]

...what would you do?

She assures me it's "nothing bad", but has hidden it in her room.

I think it's a photo of something (had a glimpse as she got it out of the envelope), but as soon as she'd opened it, she ran upstairs with it.

Do I insist she shows it me? (which will lead to massive arguments)

Do I go and look for it in her room when she's out? (which goes against my principles...)

Help!

It came yesterday by the way.

[DumbledoresGirl]

What are you suspecting her of?

I have to say, as a parent of a 10 yr old son, I would go and look for it when she was out of the house, but I have absolutely no principles at all, except the principle that everything in my house is my business.

[colditz]

Ahhhhh

I personally would go and look at it, but never ever tell her I did so. I would justify this to myself by saying that she is my daughter, I love her and am worried about her, and at 10 years old that gives me the right to interfere with her life. If she were 16 it would be very different, but she's not, she's 10.

[colditz]

Is it perhaps a signed photo from a boyband sort of thing? that she would just die if you found? Sounds likely.

[MrsApron]

do you know who it is from? i might sneak a look but not let her know. 10 year olds need to know they have privacy too!

[Hulababy]

At that age I think you still have the right to go and have a look yourself. I wouldn't like the secrecy part of it, so would have to check it out. No doubt entirely innocent though. Wouldn't let her know I had looked unless I really had to.

[emsiewill]

Phew! My preferred option was to go the sneaky route. Just wondered if that makes me completely immoral. Obviously no more immoral than many of you!

She is off school today, but supposed to be going out later to gymnastics, that will be my chance.

I will carry on dropping it casually into conversation to give her a chance to tell me, though.

I think it is probably a signed photo of someone. I did ask her if it was a photo of a naked man - she looked horrified!

[colditz]

yes, 10 year old girls need the allusion of total privacy. But real total privacy isn't a good idea because I think they are quite vulnerable.

[colditz]

PMSL now she thinks you are weird LOL

[Miaou]

We have a rule in our house - the only secrets that are "allowed" are those to do with surprises (eg birthday/Christmas presents). Anything else and we as the parents have a right to know what is going on. We respect our children's privacy (dd1 writes a diary and I don't look in that) but refusing to show a letter would be a no-no. But having already discussed this with the kids they know that this would be the situation should it arise! Our dds are 9 and 8 btw.

Sorry doesn't really help you just now emsiewill but might be an idea for a chat in the future (just a general one rather than specific to that letter).

And FWIW I would want to know what's in it too - 10 is too young for secrecy IMO.

[Oati]

I agree with everyone else - I'd have no hestation in sneaking a look

[whatkatydidntdo]

i agree too, you need to check its suitability.

My DD at 10 was very shy and unworldly(!) but unfortunately her school chums werent!

for your piece of mind I think you should see it!

[Budababe]

Agree I would have to look but what will you do if it is something you HAVE to tackle her about? (Have no idea what it might be but just playing devil's advocate!)

[Troutpout]

I would look at it.

[emsiewill]

Hmmm, well I think I would start to insist that she showed it me - saying something like "I've been thinking about it and I don't think it's right for you to get things through the post that I don't know about".

Then the battle of wills would commence!

[bambi06]

but how would you tackle it once you`ve seen it and god forbid its something awful?

[SSShakeTheChi]

How could you NOT go and look at it? But will you find it?

[foxinsocks]

well, my parents used to read all my post and I HATED it

I can understand why you feel you need to see it but definitely do it on the sly

IF it is something innocent, don't say anything more but do perhaps have a conversation about how you want to trust her judgement and should she receive anything that she may not think is suitable, she can approach you yada yada (I know 10 is young but I think it's good that she feels she has some of your trust).

[deaconblue]

Did it come through the post? I would definitely want to look, dodgy people send stuff to children to "make friends" with them. Don't want to panic you, but I would check to be safe. She'll never know you've looked. Let us know what you do

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Could it help to explain the reasons why you are worried and want to see the letter? If you demand to see the letter without explaining, it will come across as nosy and an invasion of privacy, but if you explain about 'grooming' etc then maybe she will understand more?

I agree with Babmi06 - if it turns out to be something you don't like, and you've sneaked a look, what will you do?

Not an easy situation, I sympathise with you

[Polgara2]

I'm the same as Miaou - dds know 'no secrets' other than birthdays etc. So it wouldn't occur to them not to show me (YET!) they are 9 and 6 btw. You do need to see it and preferably honestly but if necessary sneakily. I think whatever you do you need to to talk about this ready for when the next 'situation' arises. Good luck .

[controlfreakyandroses]

agree. next time she will make sure you dont know there's anything to ask about!

[DebitheScot]

I think you should look. Partly because we're all dying to know what it is now!