DNA tests for father only

(28 Posts)
brokenhearteddad Sat 24-Sep-16 03:15:54

Hi all
I am about to become a dad for the first time and sadly mum doesn't want to be with me anymore it's a long story but she has generally shit on from a great height. Been dumped numerous times because she's scared of commitment etc and she has cheated on me in the past (once). It sad because she is the love of my life and never done anything bad towards her but something in her wants to treat me like shit. Anyway getting back to matter at hand I'm 99% certain baby is mine but I have a tiny doubt only because of history that baby may not be. My question can I get DNA test without mums knowledge or approval as I'm reading the web and getting differences in opinion as to if I can or not
Personally I'd like to purchase a kit and send it off without her knowing more for my own peace of mind
Thanks

BexusSugarush Sat 24-Sep-16 06:45:42

You probably could but the bottom line is: you shouldn't. It's a horrible situation for you and I sympathise but unfortunately you're going to need to stay the Good, Caring, Trustworthy father figure in her eyes, as although I don't want to generalise, I know that it can be difficult to arrange childcare between separated parents. You don't want to do anything that makes seeing your child difficult.

The best thing to do is talk to her about your worries, which I know won't go down well but if she stubbornly refuses to do a DNA test then that could POSSIBLY indicate (given her history) that there is some doubt as to paternity.

If she still refuses you then you can go through the courts to force her to have one done if you doubt paternity.

It's a horrible situation but I really hope it works out well for you and that the child is yours x

talksensetome Sat 24-Sep-16 06:49:24

Will you have access to the baby alone when it is born? If so then yes you can purchase a kit and swab the babies mouth and your own without her knowing.

I think secretly doing your own test is much less likely to cause trouble than forcing it through the court. The only way she need ever find out would be if the baby isn't yours in which case you don't need to keep her onside anyway.
If the baby is yours then you would just never need to raise it with her.

sandgrown Sat 24-Sep-16 06:54:13

A motherless DNA test would not be accepted by the CMS . It needs to be a test administered by a company approved by the Ministry of Justice. The court can order a DNA test but cannot force the mother to have one they could however make an order based on evidence if she refuses.
Sadly, that would not give you reassurance you are the biological father.

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Sep-16 07:06:54

If I were you, I'd do it. I wouldn't tell the mum either. It will just be piece of mind for you.

If it came back saying you weren't the father (hopefully it doesn't) then if she tried to pursue you for maintenance then you could say no and get a court ordered test at that stage.

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Sep-16 07:07:59

Peace! Peace of mind.

Nikki2ol6 Sat 24-Sep-16 07:44:55

Yea you can from online. You order for free the packages comes with some eneveloped and cotton swabs in. You swab your mouth with one bud and baby's with the other and put them into seperate enevelopes and label them. Send it back with your card details or cheque and wait for a phone call or email with results. Just google paternal DNA tests. There are quite a few.

brokenhearteddad Sat 24-Sep-16 09:46:29

Yeah I know it's not ideal and she isn't going to like it but she's not making it easy saying if I go for it I won't see baby until I get the results
She's already stopping me going to scans and birth which I'm struggling to deal with as it is
Just have to see what the future brings

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 24-Sep-16 09:56:16

Well you can but you could be on dodgy ground legally if you do.

You need the parent's permission to take a sample from the child and as you wouldn't have your name on the birth certificate you wouldn't officially be a parent so couldn't consent. I'd go fucking apeshit if anyone did that to my DC without my permission.

FYI the scans and birth aren't a father's right. Your presence at either would be as a supporting role to the mother and as she doesn't like you then it sounds like she would get little comfort from you being there so no, you shouldn't be there.

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Sep-16 10:09:49

You need the parent's permission to take a sample from the child and as you wouldn't have your name on the birth certificate you wouldn't officially be a parent so couldn't consent. I'd go fucking apeshit if anyone did that to my DC without my permission.

Why would you go apeshit if the child's other equal parent (if you were claiming they were her other equal parent) took a DNA sample to confirm that your claims were true?

I don't get that.

I'd be raging if someone else did it. But not the child's parent.

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:11:45

I'd check out how to get a DNA test that will be recognised legally, because that's what you need. Hopefully you get the answer you're looking for and can be a stable, loving, constant presence in your child's life. Good luck OP.

FenellaMaxwell Sat 24-Sep-16 10:15:43

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think if I found myself in your position I would probably order a swab test online and just do it, and if that came up with a bad result, you could push for a court ordered test without mentioning that you already had an unofficial one.

But just to echo what a PP said - I'm afraid you have no right to be at the birth or scans of the mother does not want you to be. These are a medical procedure being performed on her body so she gets to decide. Would you want your ex there whilst you were getting a prostate check or similar?

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 24-Sep-16 10:23:15

Why would you go apeshit if the child's other equal parent (if you were claiming they were her other equal parent) took a DNA sample to confirm that your claims were true?

Someone doubting my word to the extent they won't legally acknowledge their child as their own doesn't get to them claim parental rights over permitting a test. They either think they are the father or they don't. If they don't then that means they don't get the right to act as the father would, they are joe bloggs on the street and must ask the legally recognised parent for permission to test. You don't get to have it both ways.

BestZebbie Sat 24-Sep-16 10:23:58

The way paternity tests usually work is that they look to see if which genes each person (mother, child, possible fathers) has at places in the genome where it is known to be particularly variable. They isolate these on one of the things you may have seen pictures of, where each persons result is a vertical column with stripes across it at different heights. They then assume that the mother is the real genetic mother and they read across the columns and cross off any stripes which the mother and baby share. Any stripes that the baby column is left with must have come from the dad, so only dads whose own column includes all of those stripes can be fathers to that baby.
To do this sort of test you obviously have yo have the mothers DNA, and it can only tell you if you are not the father with certainty (as hypothetically some other man who wasn't tested could also share all those stripes with the baby too - unlikely though it is)

TheVirginQueen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:27:38

You could do that but if it comes back that you're not the father you'd still need a court ordered and approved test to clarify that you're not the father.

Are you going to put your name on the birth cert?

I mean this kindly but I tried to leave my X the first time when I was pregnant with DC2 and it was quite hard to get him to accept it was over and I wasn't strong enough so if there had been another contender I would have named him with great relief.

If she's trying to leave you and you are the one struggling to accept this then I don't know why she'd tell you that you were the father if you weren't.

It is a sign of low self-esteem in men, but it's also very unpleasant and confusing and not very courteous or decent, struggling to believe that you're the father, even though you had unprotected sex.

TheVirginQueen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:30:30

Also, you can never put that genie back in the bottle.

My x was no gentleman, but he never accused me of misleading him about the paternity. That would be very difficult to forgive, forget, overlook, back track on.....

If you put that out there, it'll hang over you making you look like a shabby angry misogynist.

brokenhearteddad Sat 24-Sep-16 10:44:14

I won't go into the details of the relationship on here as its not relevant to the topic
Baby not due for a few weeks so will see what the situation is then
I got what I need to know for time being so thank you everyone

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:45:41

OP, hopefully you get the answers you need and are able to be a Dad to this child. I understand your concerns, and doubts, they're reasonable given past infidelity.

AnotherEmma Sat 24-Sep-16 10:55:21

If you're no longer in a relationship, you don't get to attend scans or the birth. That's sad but tough. She is the one who is going through the pregnancy and childbirth and it's her right to choose who is and isn't with her.

If you believe you're the father, you respect her choices regarding the birth, you offer her support but accept it if she declines, you assertively but respectfully ask to be put on the birth certificate and to see your child. If she refuses, you would need to go to court, but it may not get to that point as you are usually expected to go through mediation first.

If you don't believe you're the father, you push for a DNA test or do a secret one. I can understand wanting a test for peace of mind, but questioning the paternity would somewhat undermine your efforts to achieve what I assume you want, namely being named on the birth certificate and being able to see your child.

brokenhearteddad Sat 24-Sep-16 11:04:36

I'm a loyal genuine person and have always said I'll be there for my child
I've not cheated before sadly she has
Like I say I'm 99% certain baby is mine but obviously with the way she is being towards me and her history I have that 1% uncertainty in my head that's it
There is a lot more I could say but I won't bore you all with it as its not relevant to the child

Meadows76 Sat 24-Sep-16 11:17:16

If you're no longer in a relationship, you don't get to attend scans or the birth. Actually lots of people who are no longer in a relationship are able to be adult enough to out the child's welfare first. Not allowing dad to a scan because you are no longer in a relationship is one of the most childish things a person can do

AnotherEmma Sat 24-Sep-16 12:45:51

Meadows
What I meant was that you don't automatically get to attend. Of course there are some pregnant women who are comfortable with inviting the father to attend, even if they're not in a relationship. But it's unfair (and borderline misogynistic) to assume that the only reason for her not to want him there is out of spite. There are many possible reasons, not all of which are "childish".
It is unfortunate that the OP's ex doesn't want him there but it is her right and it wouldn't help for us to berate her for it or make assumptions about whether the reasons are justifiable or not.

TheVirginQueen Sat 24-Sep-16 13:12:39

I agree with AnotherEmma. I wasn't certain I wanted my X there. I knew it wouldn't make me more comfortable or feel more at ease. In fact it was definitely an additional stress. He wasn't my x at the time but his presence was another issue to deal with.
I fail to see how attending a scan benefits an unborn baby! That is a mawkish assertion.

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 24-Sep-16 13:25:50

Actually lots of people who are no longer in a relationship are able to be adult enough to out the child's welfare first. Not allowing dad to a scan because you are no longer in a relationship is one of the most childish things a person can do

A father not being at a scan has zero impact on the welfare of the child. Plenty of fathers who are with the child's mother miss the scan for various reasons.

Wet your "childish" comment, It may seem obvious to point this out but relationships end for reasons that usually aren't positive. If having an ex partner present during a medical appointment will cause a pregnant woman stress then it should be avoided as the role of anyone attending with the patient is to provide support. Nothing to do with being childish.

brokenhearteddad Sat 24-Sep-16 13:30:43

Rather than speculate my situation can we end it there please I only asked about DNA tests thanks everyone

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now