Coping with a newborn - without much help

[ClareBos]

Firstly, I've never posted anything anywhere before, so if there are protocols that I botch up, just please be nice about it.

My DS is only 5 days old, he's so beautiful and I can't imagine being without him. I'm not a single parent, but my husband seems to have his priorities in a twist, he's already worrying about how the lack of sleep will effect him at work and his paternity leave doesn't finish for another 3 days. It hit me at 3am tonight, whilst trying to settle DS that this really is all my responsibility, particularly when the husband - (note not DH atm) suggested that we put DS up for adoption because he can't cope!!!!! My family all live miles away and I'm in London - the least baby friendly place on the planet?? I tried hard to get some form of new Mum friends during my pregnancy but they all seem so competitive and snarly or just bossy and posh. I'm pretty sure that my London party lifestyle friends will all drift off with boredom pretty soon.

So what should I do? I need a coping strategy for a new baby and another one for being alone.

I also need some sleep as DS has (just) finally gone down, so I may not be back on the boards til tomorrow night.

I look forward to hearing any advice that you all have - there is so much Mum experience here I'd appreciate tapping into it.

[mandymac]

Hi and congratulations.
I live a fair distance from family too and had my first DD 17 months ago. I have a few suggestions which I hope are useful.
Firstly, join the postnatal group on here for November 2006 - I am sure they will welcome you with open arms. Don't worry that they already know each other, just say hi. That way you will have some other mums with babies at the same stage to compare notes, celebrate milestones and moan at etc. I found it a real help.
Secondly are there any classes locally you can join when DS is a little bit older. I went to baby massage with DD at about 3 months and met a couple of friends locally to meet for coffee, walks etc.
Try and plan something to do everyday, preferably to get you out of the house. Even just popping to the shops to pick up stuff for tea.
Forget the housework - sleep when your DS sleeps.
My DH slept in the spare room for quite a while after DD was born, it meant I didn't have to worry about him being woken and just got on with feeding DD. Also, then at least when he got home from work, he wasn't too tired to take over for a few hours.
I have got to go to work now, but you will get loads of good advice here.
Good luck!

[lulumama]

sleep when the baby sleeps!! if any offers help, or you have a cleaner etc....leave the housework to one side...

it is an enormous period of adjustment and i'm sure your hubsnad was making a very poor joke when he suggested adoption..sometimes, no matter how many books you read, or think you are prepared, the reality of looking after a tiny and helpless new born is quite terrifying.. you are still getting over the birth aswell...and need to rest and recuperate for a while...

lots of mums on here are in london, (i'm not though!) . groups like the NCT can be a godsend..you don't have to join to attend their groups and coffee mornings...

ask the health visitor for a list of mum & baby groups...

but that is all for a little way in the future...

you can get through this and cope.....my DH works away and long hours, so essentially i do pretty much everything for my 2...you learn as you go and muddle through...it is possible...

can your mum come and stay for a week? or a friend?

just take each day as it comes, and don;t worry to much, it is early days and you will get there....

you both need to adjust and in a few weeks, you'll be wondering what you were so scared of!!

and you havn';t botched any protocols !! welcome and congratulations! should haves said that first really !!

[DetentionGrrrl]

Congratulations!

DP and i agreed when i was pregnant that i'd do night feeds etc in the week because he works, but luckily he's happy to get up in the early mornings at the weekend (4am onwards) and will take care of DS for me to have driving lessons / open uni tutorials etc.

I'd keep trying to find a local group or something- maybe through your health visitor? There's always lots of advise on here, and there are meet ups too- probably loads in your area (none in mine though!- Swansea)

Once your DH is back at work, perhaps he'll settle into the idea of being a family- i think blokes get a shock sometimes too. And when you're tired or pissed off, you can always rant on here!!

On a practical level, i found that having snack foods in the house made eating easier in the day- yogurts, cereal bars etc. Also, get out of the house as much as you can, it's easy-ish with newborn. Even just a 10 min stroll can save your sanity!

[mumatuks]

Hi CB,

I hope you're asleep at the moment! I remember this well with DS1 when he was born. It knocked me and my DH for six. (we've gone on to have 2 more since though, so it can't be that bad!)

I'm also miles away from my family, about 200 miles to be exact, and I can really understand how you must feel. Your emotions are all over the place too, and everything said to you is taken so personally or as gospel truth. I'm sure your DH didn't mean put him up for adoption(!) I remember my DH telling me how he'd driven to work one day, and as he was so knackered he couldn't rememebergetting there!

I will say, you're only 5 days in to it.You'll get to learn when your DS starts to wake, and may even find yourself waking just a few minutes before him. Then just as you get used to that he'll get older and change his little routine again, however, you'll also be more clued up about him, know what makes him tick, and the night waking will be a drag, but nothing like it is now! Promise!!

Oh and that phrase "sleep when the baby sleeps" is true! You must nap when he does, take the phone off the hook and get some sleep, you'll feel better! I can still remember putting DS1 in his cot and going to sleep nest to him in bed. We'd nap from about 3.30 - 5.00, but it gave me the sleep I needed to then get through the night!

Are you in London, like central London, or just in the M25 ring? What side? I'm also within the M25 and if we're near I'd be happy to meet up (I'm awaiting DB3 due in 6 days, so we could swap notes!)

Take Care, and hope you get some sleep!

[FrostyTheSnowMarsLady]

Hi ClareBos

Whereabouts in London are you?

London is an extremely child friendly place but when you are a new parent you don't know where to look.

Have you and your DH considered getting in some outside help? Though to be honest what you need is someone to talk to to let you know what a great job you are doing and to sharing coping strategies and tips with you.

[kiskidee]

get a sling to have your baby close to you when you have to go out or even potter around the house. look here

a fleece pouch sling is perfect for this kind of weather and for newborns.
it is also the easiest for beginners to get their heads around.


also co-sleep when you and your baby both need a sleep. i found that they go to sleep fastest and stay asleep longest if they are next to you. how to bedshare safely

[LIZS]

Agree with all that has been said already. Don't have too high expectations of the early days - it can be tough, with lack of sleep , feeling disorientated especially if you've stopped working and are having to find a new "routine" for yourself let alone with an unpredictable infant to accommodate.

Set yourself small goals in the day , be it to make the bed or just have a shower/dress to begin with. Your midwife or hv may be able to provide you with a list of post natal classes and groups , breastfeeding cafe/support groups if applicable, massage and "activity" groups such as gentle exercise classes where babies are welcome or there is a creche. You may find that of those women who were so competitive beforehand some will remain so but many will have been overwhelmed by the reality of birth and caring for a newborn, but may or may not admit it ! You will gradually find familiar faces if you pick one or two to go to or just take a stroll around local park.

[bctmum]

co-sleeping saved me! - are you bf? you can bf in bed and get some rest. check out info on sleeping safely.

many congrats xxx

(hello lulu - hope all is going well for you xxx)

[Sakura]

Hi!
I made the ridiculous mistake of trying to get the baby into some semblance of routine in the second week. Nothing heavy, but I just tried getting up at 7 every morning to give the day some structure. WASTE OF TIME. Anytime your baby is sleeping, just sleep. At around 3-4 weeks, you can start bringing some structure into the day. You wont heal if you do housework in the day- it will make the bleeding worse. If you feel you must do something, stick the washing machine on, because then you can feel useful, but are not actually being physically active. Get take-outs every night. The real chaos only lasts about 3 weeks, then it suddenly seems to get better. You are still on a high now from the birth- I was so excited I couldnT sleep in the beginning and I thought I had the energy to do housework. WRONG. It really starts to hit you after about 2 weeks. So please please take it easy. Good Luck

[Rookietherednosedreindeer]

New parenthood hits most people hard. I think it usually gets one parent more than the other in this case your not so DH.

I remember wheeling DS around in his pram when he was around 3 weeks old thinking that I should tell the HV to take him away for adoption as I couldn't cope with the lack of sleep, the loneliness and the loss of my old self. Honestly it gets much better and really fast, DS is 8 mths now and generally its fab.

Separate rooms for you and DH - great idea until DS is sleeping better and means your DH will have no ridiculous ideas about having marital relations when you have had 4 hours sleep over the previous 2 nights ( or maybe its just mine that did that)

Co-sleeping either is for you or not don't feel you have to do it if its not your bag.

You may find that all the pre baby women you found not for you are now as in the first few months of motherhood you all have one amazing thing in common - your babies. I found this with some mums-to-be that I thought weren't my type, plus once you have the baby people change. Look them up, send an email, I bet they will be as desperate to meet up as you are.

Finally its not all your responsibility. You both took the decision to have a child and regardless of how hard it is now your DH needs to be doing part of the parenting.

I know it feels like extra pressure trying to get him to do it but believe me if you don't you are setting up long term trouble for your relationship.

Get him to do the bath when he comes in, make a rule that you each get a bit of a lie in one day of the weekend. Yes he may not enjoy it and be tired from work but so what, you're not exactly lying around doing nothing all day either.

Sorry I tried to keep it short but failed, good luck IT WILL GET BETTER.

[Mellin]

I felt so overwhelmed when my dd was born but it really hit home when my dh returned to work after a week and I realised it was just me and I had no idea how to cope or relate to my baby. My dh works long hours and is away alot and our family all live in Oz.

It took me a couple of weeks but I did reach a point when I got more confident with the bub and everything suddenly seemed easier. I am only at week 5 now so by no means an expert (!) but things have improved so much for me in this short time and I'm sure they will for you to.

Just take things a day at a time to start with. Rest whenever the baby is asleep, if you can't sleep (I still haven't mastered the daytime naps) during the days then watch tv or read a book. And sleep late if that's what the baby does (I haven't been out of bed before 11am yet). Believe it or not you do get used to having less sleep!

And you are already ahead of the game because you discovered Mumsnet so early, lots of helpful advice on here which would have stopped me stressing out so much in the early days if I had found it earlier!

[bluejelly]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby and welcome to mumsnet.

I had a tough time too when my dd was born, was basically alone, virtually unsupported by my partner who lived on the other side of London then I found out he had been unfaithful to me when she was six weeks old ( I know, bastard)

Anyway the way I got through it was by prioritising at all times.

I figured out that the most important things were

a) eating good nutritious meals
b) having enough sleep
c) having a shower
d) getting out of the house

In that order. Everything else (housework, ringing friends, exercise etc) was a luxury only to be attempted when a, b, c and d were fulfilled!

I can absolutely promise you that it gets easier too.. The first few weeks are a blur of feeding/sleeping/rocking/nappy changing but by February you will feel so much more confident as a parent, your dh will have probably got his head round the being a dad bit, and your baby will be smiling and gurgling at you. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise

[podglet]

Hi,

I am from the november 06 post natal thread - come on over, it would be fab to have you with us.

My DS is nearly 5 weeks now and i really felt like you at the beginning. DP has been sent to the spare room as he is horrible when he hasn't slept and it means i don't worry about moving around to feed and change during the night. He told me when DS was 2 weeks that he thought he was "boring, smelly, noisy and a money pit" but is better now. I had to realise that at the moment, as I am breastfeeding, DP may feel a bit left out but I make sure he has time with DS to bath, cuddle and just be with him.

Deffo sleep when he does. Even if you don't sleep, lie down with a book or a movie but rest.

Agree with all other advice. I am not bedsharing but DS is in a crib right next to me.

hope this helps - see you on the post natal thread

[3sEnough]

Hi - well done on staying sane so far!! Firstly - ignore the dh comment - you're both new parents and probably both in shock - you just have to get on with it though, and he will realise that he does too but it may come further down the line. Get in different rooms - especially if you're bf there is no point both of you being exhausted and he is right when he says that he has to work. This means though, that when he come home he needs to share the baby/get a take away/ cook dinner etc and I know he is really tired after work too but you are exhausted!! It really does impact on your life at first as you loose your evenings and 'free time' for several weeks (I won't say months) You just need to cope - that's it...no more than that - as a couple really but it does feel really lonely at first. The other posters are right ref: getting a social life - it's a lifeline. Good luckxx

[kiskidee]

if your dh likes to come home and 'chill' in front of the telly as mine does, let him multitask with having your ds sleep/snuggle on his chest at the same time - if possible. that can give you the respite to have a shower or a nap.

[crayon]

Hi

We rushed out and bought a very good sofa bed on day 2 of parenthood because DS1 was unsettled and DH had to commute to work which would have been dangerous on zero sleep. So, he slept on that during the week for a while.

Tip 2: buy a 'phone that you can turn the ringer off on and turn off the door bell if you can. Nap during the day

Tip 3: NCT classes should be good, or find local soft play areas when your baby is a bit bigger

Tip 4: never forget that every difficult stage your baby goes through is just a stage - they don't last long and life gets easier and easier. I remember thinking I would never eat a meal again because every time we opened the oven DS1 cried (have gone on to have two more DSs so that speaks for itself).

Good luck and many congratulations.

[poppynic]

Hi. Yes, I agree with everyone else's posts. I'm new to London too, am at home and expecting a baby in Jan. I'm in NW - if you're in the general area I'd be happy to play baby while you have a sleep - or just a coffee etc (sorry, not in any state to be cleaning any floors atm!).

Anyway, you're in the early stages of post-baby and probably really emotional so things seem particularly bad at the moment - I called in my Mum's psychiatrist at that time And I do remember dp (I use the "d" in the ironic sense) and I had a very tough time initially. I think for some men they have all the fear and worry of new responsibilities etc. but it also takes them longer to "get" the good side of babies. However nearly all of them do get sucked in eventually.

Let him do anything he offers to do re the baby - even if he does it a bit awkwardly - it doesn't matter, just let him. It's really easy to feel that you need to do everything for the baby as you do it best.

Just take it easy on yourself.

[StNicholas]

this is such a hard time but gets better quickly..

I was in your situation.. like others have said,
getting out of the house every day is important for your sanity, I found carrying a new baby in a sling gives you your independence more than navigating a pram.. Forget the housework, buy in quality ready meals, get your DP to do something EVERY DAY (like bathing baby) so you know you have time to yourself.

Good luck, it will get so much easier!

[mandymac]

Oh just remembered, maybe some of your party friends will stay the course. If you have any that are free at all in the daytime, get them to pop over, even for half an hour, so you can have a shower in peace.

Another thing we did to make life easy, was set up 2 changing stations - once upstairs in our bedroom for nighttime changes and one downstairs (well the dining room table wasn't getting much use otherwise), and if I was feeling really lazy, I just put the changing mat on the floor in the living room.

A bouncy chair was a godsend too - leaving hands free for eating, or mumsnetting. When dd was about 3 weeks old, someone lent us an electric swing too, which meant we could eat dinner together while she was in that. She napped in it too sometimes.

[ClareBos]

Wow! I really wasn't expecting so many positive responses, thank you so much.

I've spent most of the day sleeping when DS did, DH has been home and went mad with the housework (I think the flat is cleaner now than it's been for months). He also managed not to sell DS to Madonna, and apologised for being a jerk.

DS has just gone down straight after a feed again (shock horror!?) so I'm off to bed, but just to reply to a few things:

Yes my Mum is coming to stay, but not for another fortnight. I rang up a good friend and pretty much told her to bring me some lunch on the day DH goes back to work and after some pestering my sister has decided that she'll come and help next week. I think sometimes I need to be made to ask for help, posting here was a good first step.

I love the idea of co-sleeping, but DH is a really heavy sleeper who needs 2 alarm clocks to wake him up, so I think I'd be too worried. I also don't like to bf in bed as my legs go to sleep, we have perfectly shaped squared off sofas and I find them much more comfy.

Oh for a spare room! Luxury

I will join the November post-natal thread, although maybe not tonight. And we're pretty much in central London, zone 2, N19.

I have a wilkinet, it seems so complicated though, when DS is screaming and I'm knackered, I promise I'll try it tomorrow. I may even leave the house.

Thank you once again for all your help and encouragement, it's really good to know that I'm not the only one. Podglet - that's exactly the kind of thing my DH would say and Bluejelly, I think I'm going to print out your ABCD and leave it all round the house.

CB

[dara]

Join an NCT tea group. People who live really near you who have babies your baby's age. Can be a lifesaver. Get a list of baby massage groups, baby yoga, mother and baby groups - much of it is crap but it gets you out, makes you feel virtuous and you get adult company and cake!

[controlfreakyturkeyandstuffing]

saw thisand just wanted to add:
wilkinets are fab... wear him on the friont face to chest while he's tiny.... the trick is imo to strap him on high and really snug.... then you're hands free, he's happy and you can geyt out and about really easily......
also, where is n19?? most of n london is v baby friendly... ask hv about baby groups / activities near you.... making friends with other mums is soooo much easier when you are all in the same boat with tiny babies.... all you need is one or two nice local mums to see you through the early months....
until then theres the wonder that is mn!
good luck!

[podglet]

Also Yay for the Wilkinet - I have 2! DS loves being snuggled in it and we do everything. It's the easiest way of getting out. I have just come back from a 2 hour trip into town with ds in his.

Good luck!

[exbury]

..and when you meet all those competitive, bossy mums - try asking them what they did pre-baby. I knew people in Mother&Baby group for months before we had a conversation not about babies - my view of them (and probably theirs of me) changed completely, and for the better, when we talked about other things!

[taylormama]

(((((((((hugs)))))))) - you are all feeling really normal things right now - think DH was being a tad insenstive but i remember my DH saying at 3.00 am one morning when DS was about 6 days old that "this is hell on earth and if you want another baby you will have to have it with someone else" - obvioulsy didn't mean it but at 3.00 am and there is a crying baby you say all sorts of things. Haven't read all the posts but here goes:

If someone offers to mind the baby, do your shopping/housework bite their hands off
Sleep when your baby sleeps - who cares about housework now ...
Use ready meals and take aways as much as your budget will allow
Sleep deprivation doesn't last for ever but it is a fact of life with a new baby
Join a mum and baby group when you are ready
Use your HV if she is any good for help ...
Good luck - it will all be fine - the first few weeks are the hardest for a first timer!
xxxxx