I lost my temper with my husband and hit him - hate myself

[Ladywithababy1]

Hi all this is my first time posting on MN so please be kind, especially as I am at a very low ebb.

I have a six month old son who I love very much but who has never slept through the night and has recently got worse following a cold and teething and stomach bug hitting at the same time. Also I have always suffered from insomnia anyway.

My husband is mostly great but drinks too much and has a strong tendency to go AWOL and not pick up the phone and then come back in the small hours. This means I lie awake stressing and getting more and more angry with him and more and more exhausted.

Anyway this happened tonight (hence the post at 2.15am) and when he got back I just saw total red and started to hit and scratch him. I sicken myself and feel so ashamed but at the same time there's a small voice inside me saying that it was justified because I am so shattered and drained and never ever get a break etc. But I know it's wrong and I don't want my husband to leave me because I love him.

Please help I feel like I am going insane.

Thank you.

[Qwebec]

No children, but it happenend to me once or twice when DP and I were in a rough patch, I can't even imagine how sleep depravation and a pooly baby can make emotions so much more difficult to manage.

Now is not the best time to deal with the situation, but maybe in the morning or tomorrow evening you could take some time to talk to him about how you are feeling and if you can both find a compromise about his behavior. If he is not willing to change, then you need to find a way to find your peace in the situation if you want to work on it.

Find a way to cope with anger and frustration for next time and share it with your husband so he can help you through it. What worked for me was telling DP when I am really angry I can't sort things out I need time to cool down. When I see myself getting to the point of no return I stop myself, tell him I'm at my wits end and leave the room when he got the point.

See what makes you tip over and what would help you?
Seeing a counselor could also help you find answeres to those questions.

I hope I am answering you post?

[Qwebec]

p.s. you might get more responses on the realationship board. You can ask to have you thread transefered if you want.

[Ladywithababy1]

Thanks Qwebec. I don't know how to request that but will see if I can work it out. And thank you for the advice.

[Greenrememberedhills]

The only useful piece of advice I have is that you can't change others but you can change yourself. If you spend the next five years complaining to your DH about his going AWOL and he wants to do it, he will. Oh believe me, that is true.

You can take some quiet time to reflect what that means for you. Is he supportive? Is he there when you need him? When he is out can you trust him? Those sorts of issues.

If the answer is no, you can accept him as he is or make other arrangements for your life.

At the very least I would suggest that if he isn't supporting you, you stop supporting him.

[Branleuse]

Obviously its not ok to use physical violence but im not surprised youve been driven to meltdown. Maybe this needs to be a wakeup call that you are not coping with the fact he has checked out and is regularly going completely awol and you are sleep deprived and neglected.

[fakenamefornow]

Absolutely no excuse for violence, ever. Have you ever done anything like this before? If the shoe was on the other foot I would advise you to ltb and never look back, physical strength and size does change things though, no sure it should but it does make things look abit different to me. Maybe you should get some couples counseling.

[Aussiemum78]

I think if it's at that point, you need to separate. You are miserable, exhausted, unsupported and lashing out violently.

Is your child safe? Please seek support as I'm worried you could lash out at your child, or shake him, because you are exhausted. (Not judging, I've been at that point a few times where I felt like I could lose it and I had nobody to hand the baby to).

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Can you go to stay with family or friends? You need to give your DP space to decide what he wants to do next. You also need to find a way to alleviate the immediate pressure you feel under so staying with someone else may help with the exhaustion. At the same time I think you should see your GP/counsellor/anger management specialist.
I understand being exhausted. I understand being stressed and frustrated that your DP goes AWOL but it's never OK to be violent. You need help to work out why you reacted as you did.
I don't think this relationship sounds healthy for either of you. Take this as a major wake up call and take real steps to deal with your anger, your frustration and your exhaustion. Regardless of whether you stay with your DP or not, you have to recognise and deal with your triggers.

[MrsKCastle]

I do sympathise with your situation, it sounds incredibly frustrating and exhausting. And I can understand why it happened, I really can. But... I don't believe violence can EVER be justified. It worries me that part of you thinks it was. You need to rhink about how you can ensure that this never happens again. Firstly, he deserves an apology. A complete and sincere one. (So do you- his behaviour is not ok either, but as a pp said, you can't change his behavior- only your own).

Then you need to get help. See your GP, today if you can. Tell them about the insomni, the stress and the assault on your husband. Ask for help with anger management. And ask for help from any friends/relatives you can- tell the you're at crisis point and see if someone can give you a break- can one of them take the baby overnight? Or could you stay somewhere else tonight?

I wouldn't try talking things through with your husband (apart from an apology) until you have both had a chance to calm down and consider ewhere you want to go next.

[HamishBamish]

I do wonder if the replies would be a sympathetic of the perpetrator of domestic violence had been a man.

You need to remove yourself from the situation OP and get some help with the baby. Your actions towards your husband are inexcusable, just like they would be if he physically attacked you.

[girliefriend]

Oh dear, this isn't good

Personally I agree that you need some time apart to reassess your whole relationship. Not o.kay to use violence but also sounds like your dh needs to step up and take some responsibility.

[Branleuse]

If it was a man doing the hitting, then going by statistics, its much more likely to be a life in danger than if a woman hits a man. . That doesnt make it ok, but actually instead of self flagellation and self hatred here, I think its time to wake up and smell the coffee. You dont have a relationship. Your husband fucks off regularly and turns his phone off and doesnt come back, and you havent slept properly in 6 months.
What has happened is you have flipped your lid. Youve let this sorry relationship go on and he has taken the absolute piss out of you, and now youve snapped. Youre not a sustained abuser. You sound horrified with yourself.

[HamishBamish]

If it was a man doing the hitting, then going by statistics, its much more likely to be a life in danger than if a woman hits a man.

So what? OP being a woman has nothing to do with it. She attacked another person who just happens to be a man. If the shoe was on the other foot you would be telling her to call the police and have him arrested for assault. How is it OK for a woman to hit a man and not the other way around? Complete sexist nonsense.

[HamishBamish]

What has happened is you have flipped your lid.

Exactly. Just the same as happens when a man hits a woman. She lost her temper and physically attacked him. She even admitted to thinking what she was doing was ok because she was exhausted. If I were him I'd be calling the police.

[Tinfoiled]

OP I posted a similar thread to you a while ago (under a different name) and got similar responses - DO NOT think that this means (as some will tell you) that you are an abuser and you must leave your husband. You were pushed to an extreme (and wrong) reaction under extreme stress. It is a wake up call. I didn't ever hit my dh again and we are fine now. We sorted it out. However it's up to you if you think your relationship is worth saving. It sounds very hard.

[HamishBamish]

However it's up to you if you think your relationship is worth saving. It sounds very hard.

Not really. It's not JUST up to OP. It's also up to her husband. He's the one who was physically attacked not her. I'm glad you haven't hit your husband again Tinfoiled. If I had been him I wouldn't have stayed around to find out.

[Tinfoiled]

Whatever Hamish . I had similar hysterical reactions on the thread I posted which are just extremely unhelpful. Things are not always so black and white.

[HamishBamish]

Whatever right back at you Tinfoiled. I'm not the violent one who can't hold her temper.

[GodGaveSausageRollsToYou]

absolutely no excuse for violence but you know that

however his behaviour is completely unacceptable. checking out of his responsibilities regularly, going awol AT ALL let alone leaving his dp with their small baby, wtf, what a dick head. I think you just snapped

why do you love him? he treats you like crap, you and your dc deserve way better

[NellysKnickers]

Exactly Tinfoiled. Not everything is black and white. You are not an abuser OP, you temporarily lost your shit for a moment.

[Branleuse]

Hamish, do you feel much the same about beaten women who snap and kill their husbands ? No sympathy for being pushed to breaking point? Or is emotional abuse different. Noone has said its ok to use violence, but I have compassion for people who are otherwise non abusive, under massive amounts of stress, strain, and completely unsupported if they lose their rag, especially like in this case, a slap and scratch

[ch1134]

I agree. I think that many people, putting up with that behaviour, may lose it just once. It is hard to imagine as I've never treated anyone the way OP has been treated, but if I had pushed someone to breaking point, and they broke... does it make them any worse than me, regardless of gender?
I am interested to know how the husband reacted. Hopefully it was a wake up call and they are able to talk through some of the problems, especially his drinking, which to me sounds like the priority to address.
It's a horrible situation, but telling OP it's the end of the world won't help. She snapped. There is every chance that with understanding and love, which it sounds like they have, it will work out ok.

[Ladywithababy1]

Thank you all. I understand all viewpoints. My husband won't call the police and report me as an abuser. I have told him that if he wants to do that then I can't stop him. I have reached out to a domestic violence helpline for advice. However again tonight he has got drunk and has refused to help with our baby tonight or tomorrow morning. I can feel myself getting uncontrollably angry again and am desperately trying to hold it together. I really don't know what to do.

[ThisWeeHouse]

I think you need to make sure you are in a separate room from your husband, even if it means sleeping on the sofa, for a start. Phone a help line, such as the Samaritans so you can voice your distress. It sounds very very difficult for you and you have my sympathies. I'm not excusing the violence towards your husband bty, but I think you're in a very bad place and it's only going to get worse, if you don't get help. I don't know much about postnatal depression but I'm wondering if that's part of it. Your baby is very young and your husband sounds like a selfish git.

[Adarajames]

Sounds an awful situation to be in. I can totally understand the feeling of losing it when you've had no sleep, I have insomnia issues and can turn pretty much psychotic after a few weeks let alone the months you've been suffering.

Hitting and violence is never the answer, you admit you know that, so you need to get to a place where you don't get to that stage. Is there anyone else at all that could help you with the baby? To give you a few unbroken nights rest to get you back from the brink? That'd make a big difference I'm sure. If there's no one you can talk to tonight, it might help to call Samaritans and talk through how you're feeling, may help to reduce the stress and anger levels.
Longed term, see you GP Monday, call and insist on an emergence appointment, and get some help; and I do think you'd be better off without the drunk that's an unsupportive weight and drain on you
Take some deep breathes, maybe a cup of tea, and call a friend or if not the Samaritans and try and talk out the anger
Hugs for you x