Do you grin and bare toddler groups? Is it REALLY worth it for our dc??

[hummingbird123]

In the p&t groups DD (18mo) insists on playing with the exit door, she wont sit, is not intested in nursery rhymes and will scream if she is made to sit down with me, she screams when toys are put away, she constantly wants to go to the newborn babies in their car seats and screams when i tell her no and try and distract her (distaction doesnt work thou) I feel like tearing my hair out but ensure i stay calm all the time as i know she would probably pick up on this. She screamed to go into the painting room, when I get her overalls etc on she refused to play with anyting and had a major tantrum as all she wanted to play with was the actual door going into the room.....not the paint in side..... Or she will have a paddy at the baby gates near other exits.
I do get out with her every morning, as if we didnt i think i would go mad. I am always the mother at the back with the screaming child, I am 27 married and we have a lovely stable home life etc but i feel at groups i am constantly looked down on as though i cant cope with DD etc, she is VERY trying and i love her to bits, but in situations like this i just don't know how to deal with her. The leader of one of the new groups we have started, mentioned to me this week 'is it DD's 1st time in a group like this? Dont worry a pre-school group will be good for her where she will start to learn she has to sit and join in etc etc...' but its not her 1st time, its just how she acts in groups like this.
does it get any easier? Or maybe this is the harsh reality of being a mother of a toddler when they are constanly pushing boundaries? Sorry, bad day rant over.....

[Clary]

18mo children can be very trying, can't they hummingbird.
My dd was especially difficult at this age. A lot of it is to do with wanting to communicate but not being able to (I think "terrible twos" is a bit of a misnomer, often by then they can tell you want they want).
How is she at home? does she act up there - or just when out?
It's hard isn't it, as she is young to be trying any kind of reward system etc as well.
I would keep trying with the groups as I do think it is good for you and her.

[lazycow]

Well I do go once most weeks but I have often found them exhausting and stressful. My view though is I find them no more stressful than taking ds (18 months) to the park or staying at home or whatever. I like to get out but have no expectation that I will actually enjoy the outing with ds. Sometimes I am surprised though!

ds is particularly trying at the moment - so I have no tips just empathy and sympathy.

[Hallgerda]

hummingbird123, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. I went through much the same with DS2 when he was that age - he settled down as he got older and is doing fine at school now. Of course children need to learn social skills eventually but there is no need to start at 18 months. I understand the need to go somewhere each day, but I'd give the groups a miss. It'll save money and you will almost certainly be happier if you go to the park, library, swimming pool etc with your daughter but not as part of a group, or do activities at home.

[hummingbird123]

thanks everyone, starting to feel better already after a bad morning. When i see other parents with their relatively well behaved children i begin to wonder what i am doing wrong, its nice to hear other people agree they can be tiring at this age. Shes not as bad at home its just she never seems satisfied iyswim, I dont particularly like groups so i guess deep down it really upsets me when i make the effort to go and then she just plays up the whole time. DD will constanly look at me out the corner of her eyes just before she runs to the doors or other peoples babies etc etc, so she knows what she should and shouldnt be doing....i cant really put it down to attention seeking either as we always play together at home and go to the park etc etc, so shes certainly not deprived of my attention, I really plucked up a lot of courage to go to p&t groups thinking that would be my only obstacle to just walk in on my own and then i would be fine!....if only i knew!! Its almost like when we are at home she understands bad behavour is ignored, whereas when we are out bad behaviour gets an instant response from me, its just hard to deal with when you feel everyone is looking at you!

[sandyballs]

That is quite a hideous age really for that kind of group. I did try with my twin DDs but had problems with one of them like you describe - her favourite thing was to push over the tiny ones who were just learning to walk . She'd lull them into a false sense of security by stroking their hair then give them a big shove. The other mums used to look daggers at me.

It is a phase though (yet another!), and will pass. Good luck.

[mazzystar]

Have you tried a less structured playgroup type thing? Something where they can just bomb around and play with stuff? There's time for more formal things later.

I think its reallly incredibly hard for them at this age to sit still for anything (Btw most of the other mums will know that and should therefore be sympathetic, or at least be aware that their time will also come).

[rabbitrabbit]

Hi, I had exactly the same hting with my DS and I'm ashamed to say that there were so many groups that we just stopped going to because I didn't have the confidence-initially-to work through it

Don't be too hard on yourself-everyone goes through the same thing and I get very annoyed at other mums looking on and judging as though they haven't.

Mazzystar's comment re a less tructured groups sounds like a really good-and its the one thing that worked with my DS. AT the end of this particular playgroup they would sit and sing nursery rhymes. I would just sit down with the others and join in-if he wandered off then I would just keep telling him to come back and sit-eventually he did!

good luck

[rabbitrabbit]

Hi, I had exactly the same thing with my DS and I'm ashamed to say that there were so many groups that we just stopped going to because I didn't have the confidence-initially-to work through it

Don't be too hard on yourself-everyone goes through the same thing and I get very annoyed now at other mums looking on and judging as though they haven't.

Mazzystar's comment re a less structured groups sounds like a really good-and its the one thing that worked with my DS. AT the end of this particular playgroup they would sit and sing nursery rhymes. I would just sit down with the others and join in-if he wandered off then I would just keep telling him to come back and sit-eventually he did!

good luck

[beckybrastraps]

Gosh. Dd is 2.4 and we still do the unstructured thing. She will start pre-school at 2.9, and won't be ready for it before that. I help run a playgroup, and would think that 18 mo was very young to be expected to sit still for any length of time! We go to two groups and I love it. Dd runs around like a mad thing while I chat and occasionally check she's not destroying something or someone. Everyone helps out with everyone else's kids. You need something more relaxed I reckon!

[Elibean]

I found 18 months hard work too...lots of good feedback already here, just wanted to add that dd is now 2.5 and has never been a good 'sitter in circles'. I gave up on Gymboree and Monkey Music for exactly that reason - she loved the kids, the social aspect etc but was always off playing with the fire extinguisher by the door with a couple of little boys, rather than sitting prettily clapping or whatever.
I think 18 months is madly early to expect a kid to sit still for nursery rhymes: some will, many won't, its perfectly normal!

[hummingbird123]

other mums do look and judge and i do find that really hard too, although i have to say the mum who initially looked down on DD and I during a tantrum this morning also had a little episode with her son, but she quietened him down instantly and i turned round to see what she had done to make him calm down so quickly.....a packet of sweets and an apple

[Elibean]

Also....dd was more temperamental out than at home at this age, I think because noise, groups, new environments etc are more stimulating and also more overwhelming. My hunch was that she felt less secure than at home - so I limited the time we spent at group things, and sure enough she is MUCH much better now that she is older and more confident.
And however much attention your dd gets from you, she is bound to need to test you're 'there' and noticing her more when she's away from home.
I'd do whatever makes you feel relaxed

[mazzystar]

At the risk of contradicting myself though, took DS to babysigning until very recently and 90% of the time he sat and participated for 3/4 hour. BUT I think that is because that particular class was very varied and genuinely engaging for him - lots of them are really really rubbish. And no-one gave two hoots if on any particular day he decided he'd rather sit under the table in the corner with his little mate.

[SSSandy]

I took dd to a toddler group at that age and I enjoyed it. It wasn't at all organised. There was a room full of toys and the kids waddled or crawled in there and brought things out. We put some stuff out on the tables and then just left them to it whilst we sat around and chatted. In summer, we went out in the garden and didn't really bother too much with the kids, just intervened if there was strife or someone started to cry.

Is your playgroup more organised than that with lots of activities going on? Sounds to me like it just stresses you out.

At that age, dd probably doesn't NEED a toddler group, since she's too small to actually play with other children, they'll just play alongside each other, so if you aren't enjoying it, I would say drop it for now. Are you happy taking her to the playground or do you have similar problems there?

[Tutter]

ooh hummingbird, lots of sympathy. ds (13mo) is also a door-obsesser. take him to friends' houses and while the other babies play together he makes for the nearest door and opens, close, opens, closes ......

and gets v upset by the variety of doorstops/wedges/catches he is faced with .

have at least found one playgroup with a fisher price plastic gate/door affair - FANTASTIC!!! hve ben trying in vain to find one online so i can get him one for home!!!

[Tortington]

no - i never bothered can't stand all the judgemental mother stuff - lifes too hard - why make it harder

[megglevache]

Message withdrawn

[mazzystar]

are people all really so horrible where you all live? i've never really encountered any judgemental crap. maybe i'm just extremely thick-skinned. (and DS can throw a wobbler like the best of 'em, humdinger yesterday, no-one was much bothered)

[megglevache]

Message withdrawn

[beckybrastraps]

Are you sure all these people are passing judgement? IMO one of the great things about a playgroup is that you can see that other children are just as horrible as your own (you know what I mean!, and maybe there's someone with some fab advice. A real-life mumsnet in fact.

[intergalacticwalrus]

DS is 18 months and sounds excatly the same as your Hummingbird. I take him to Jo Jingles once a week, and it's a bit hit and miss (not helped by the fact that it is on at a time of the day when he's due for a sleep) He does enhjoy it, and gets a lot out of it, but some weeks he doesn't want to participate. Fortunaltely, the group leader is pretty good as she said she really doesn't mind him bombing all over the shop.

As someone who works in this sort of setting, this type of behaviour is extremely common at this age. Take heart that it will pass, and she will probably calm down soon. If it's really too much, stop taking her for a while and try again in a few months.

Also, ignore the other mums. Yes, there are some who will look down on you, but that's probably becuase their children haven't gone through this infuritating stage yet. Most of them are probably quite sympathetic. If they really are nightmarish judgemental harridans, the I'd go to a M&T group that is more supportive.

FWIW, I have left places in tears because other mother have given me The Look but to be honest, I think you do have to develop a bit of a thick skin. It's easy to let it get on top of you when you are in the midst of the shittiest day imaginable. Just keep your pecker up!!!!!

[ProfYaffle]

Maybe the group you're going to just isn't right for you and your lo? i've found different groups have very different atmospheres, might be just a case of trying different stuff til you find something that suits?

[Highlander]

I hate M&T groups. If neither of you is enjoying it, then don't go. I find that DS and I are much happier just going to friend's houses.

I'm hoping to start DS at playgroup next March, when he is 2.5 - I think that's a better age to insist on them socialising, taking part in group activities etc etc.

[Roshni]

I agree with ProfYaffle. I went to a few M&T groups with odd atmospheres. there seemed to be cliques and class separation. I was freaked out by it all and wanted to quit. have found one now that is really relaxed.

good luck hummingbird.

[MummyPig]

hi hummingbird, sorry to hear about your experience, I have found m+t groups vary a lot, if you can find one that is less structured and has friendly people (that acknowledge being a mum can be hard and that most toddlers are far from being little angels) it makes a huge difference. If there's no suitable, group near you, I also agree that inviting friends round to your house can be far better. Ds1 and I felt far happier doing that at the 18m to 2y age, having encountered some very cliquey situations in mums and toddler groups. Our other typical 'activities' were going to the playground or the library - so nothing that required too much structure, really.

I was lucky that I met a good group of three or four mums at the post-natal classes in our local clinic, so although we didn't meet up on a regular basis, we could organise things between ourselves rather than feeling we had to go to toddler groups to give our kids something to do. Does your dd have friends her age, or do you know other mums in your area? If so, I don't think the toddler groups are really necessary.