Could I end up loosing her?

[Anne1975]

Am a regularish poster but don't want anyone I know to realise how worried I am.

For lots of reasons my dd has been really hard work for over a year now, the ante has just been upped as she has just found out her dad is having a baby with his new partner.

On a daily basis I take abuse both verbal and physical from my 4 year old dd, my life has been hellish for a long time now and I can't go on like this. I have tried everything to make the situtation better and it does work for a while until i get tired and loose control.
When stressed I asked dd dad to have her until she starts school in September to give me a break, allow her to spend time with him which may ease her insecurities about him.
I am now worried that if he has her for two months he may refuse to hand her back and say that I am sn unfit mother for allowing her to go in the first place. Can he do that?

[hex]

Do you have formal residency of her?

[Anne1975]

Yes I do ,was just coming back to post that!

[Anne1975]

it was just something in his voice when I spoke to him that has made me panic, he spent the first two years of her life fighting me for custody and accusing me of eveytthing under the sun.

He has been reasonable for the past year to eighteen months, I would not hand her over to him unless I was desperate - which at the moment I am.

[Beetroot]

it would worry me.

can you not just make his access more?

[Anne1975]

He lives at the other end of the country, when we lived near each other we had discussed him having her for a few days a week which he agreed to but then he moved away.

I have noone locally who can give me a break other than while I am at work and she is at nursery which is a few hours a week.

[Beetroot]

I would talk to someone about it as I have no idea of the legalities

[oops]

can you get some help with her behaviour stuff?
Is that why you need to hand er over?
if it is then i suspect it will all be the same when she comes back...
I am not the best person for advice on 4yr old behaviour, but maybe you could get some help/parenting classes/surestart etc in you area.

I hope you feel better soon
you are having a tough time and i sympathise.

[Anne1975]

I have tried absolutely eveything and have been doing so for a year.

[Anne1975]

I had accepted the fact she might not change but it would give me chance to rebuild my strength and when she came back she would be starting school which she is looking forward to and give her a new fous other than arguing with me and feeling jealous of her future sibling. Going to school would also give me more time away from her and perhaps challenge and stretch her more than I can as I think part of the problem is her being over ready for school.

[Anne1975]

I have been to parenting classes and tried other similar stuff, and everyone says they don't understand why she behaves as she does,

I went to my doctor to ask for some help and he said because the need for intervention is high I would not get help unless dd was thought to be at risk.

[Beetroot]

not sure that goign to her dad and then leaving again and then a new baby will help her much tbh

[Anne1975]

I know what you mean and if she had somewhere else to go or if I had other support I would use it. She does behave for her dad though and is always happy to see him, I am the one who takes all of her frustration and anger.

I just need a break before I explode and go too far down the wrong path.

[Anne1975]

I have a job linked with social services and have taken informal advice, again because the area I live in has such high social need they are not interested as dd is not seen to be at risk.

[bluejelly]

God what a dilemma. Have you seen a child psychologist? Sounds like you really need some advice and strategies above and beyond parenting classes... can you push your gp on this front?

[Anne1975]

I have asked my gp on several occasions to refer us and he has refused saying that there is nothing wrong and our need isn't great enough.

I have even used my own contacts to get to see a psychologist who spoke to us but couldn't go any further without a gp referral.

I have even tried exagerating to my gp in the hope that I could get to see someone - but unless I admit to abusing her which I am not - and if I said such a thing I would leaave the door open for my ex to have her I can not get any help. I have seen every gp in the practice and I can't get on the list of another practice.

I have even tried paying privately - but still can't get to see anyone as they all say dd is just a very bright child and she will grow out of it.

[hex]

Do you not have preschool near you? Here, it's for kids who ready to start school, say, next sept, and who are 4. It's for five mornings a week for a couple of hrs each day. It would give you a bit of a break. Must be really hard.
Have you friends who could help out. From my experience, kids of that age are happier playing with a friend than just being with a parent all day. You could perhaps swop - so one friend has them twice a week, and then you do - just for 2 hrs at a time. Is this possible?

[Tortington]

can't you just make it for the 6 week school holidays? - that way he is having her during the holidays rather than "for 2 months" iyswim. you could argue - to get her into a routine

[Anne1975]

She does a few hours at the preschool attached to her school and I cannot increase her hours as they are full.

She has also just started at nursery while I am work for 1 and a half days.

She is happier when she has friends and a lot of itis being an only child. She does have friends over to play a lot to relieve the tension but the moment they are gone it starts again.

I had thought about just the summer holidays but I am at crisis point custardo and I worry about holding out that long. I seem to be permanently angry and just not a very nice Mum and i worry about the long term damage of my actions for dd and myself.

[bluejelly]

What about therapy for yourself? Sounds like you do with the support and the opportunity to vent your frustrations... (hope you don't mind me saying this)

[Anne1975]

No that is fine, I have asked by GP for talkihng therapy and am on a waiting list that I am told is about 2 years long! Ben told of the record by my gp that again my need is not seen as great enough.

I have recently contacted a private therapist, athough we will not be in a financial situation to pay the until september.

[Anne1975]

I have spoken to a solicitor who has said that it should not give my ex grounds for custody although he suggested a shorter break perhaps a few weeks would be better.

[Anne1975]

It does make me angry that when you want help to become a better parent you are turned down and you are left until the siuation becomes untolerable.

[MamaG]

I feel :( for you - you have done something to try to be constructive for your DD and are left with a whole load of guilt.

I really hope school settles her down - my DD was so tired out when she started school she didn't have the energy for any shenanigans at home, but I appreciate your DD's behaviour is on a bigger scale.

Feel really :( for you - trust your instincts, if you feel your exP is going to be a bugger, go see your Solicitor again....maybe a few weeks break would be best?

x