Glossary of Mums- the essential guide to who you will meet at the school gates(80 Posts)
A is for All Mums
If you are yet to become a school mum, rest assured that you need to know about all the MUMS that IU will list in alphabetical order because you are about to meet them. If you are already a school mum, well, you know them already. But the key question remains: which one are you?
B is for Botox Mum
BOTOX MUM is older than you. That is a fact. But there isnt a line to be seen on her face. As you happen to be approaching that time of life where some quite serious lines are appearing on yours, BOTOX MUM is an object of fascination to you.
And yet, the fact that it is clear to you that she has had botox makes you think twice. After all, your lines arent that bad and you believe in growing old gracefully (as does your husband, apparently). Still, if you start to look older than BOTOX MUM, maybe youll think again.
C is for Competitive Mum
COMPETITIVE MUM is smiley, fun and caring on the outside. But spend any more than 15 minutes with her and you will know exactly how successful her children are: " Gabriella really struggles with maths- its her weakest subject- so we were amazed that she got the top maths score in the year"..."Gabriella's teacher keeps telling me how much she loves reading Gabriellas weekend report every Monday morning because she writes so neatly -I don't know where she gets that from- (she says brushing back her pretty bob hair with her perfectly manicured hands) and in such great detail about the swimming galas she has attended and medals she has won." ..."I'm so sorry I can't make that play date but I have to take Matthew to chess club this afternoon. It turns out that all that strange behaviour we were worrying about when he was at nursery, like his ability to memorise all flags in minute detail, and his obsession with adding up number plates, is actually proving useful now that he has started school".
Go to COMPETITIVE MUM's house and you will be sure to pick up on other indications of her cherubs' success and genius: Gabriella's weekly maths test pinned onto the fridge, Matthew's finely pencilled drawing of a motor car on his bedroom door. If you don't keep a close eye on Gabriella during a play date, you will find that she has prepared "of her own volition" some homework for your child to do, which will be closely analysed by COMPETIITIVE MUM afterwards. You can be sure that during any after school play date at her house when you are not present, COMPETITIVE MUM will snoop through your childs school bag, just to make sure that she knows how well your children are doing compared to hers.
A is also got Alphamum - queen bee of the pack (at least she thinks she is) she tends to have a group of followers who hang on her every word.
A can also be for Alien mum - the mum who has got to be from another planet! <---- this is a light hearted joke, please don't flame me
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, don't do this! We're all different & unique - lumping people together in slightly unkind cliques does no one any good.
D is for Deranged Mum, who is completely out of her depth at school and yet desperately trying to fit in. This has done her head in.
E is for Excitable Mum. She squeals with excitement when she picks her DC up, squeals with excitement when she sees her many friends, constantly wants to talk to teachers.
F is for Fashion Mum. She is always decked out in the latest fashions, before they have even hit the shops, and she can be counted on never to be appropriately dressed for the job in hand.
D is for Dad because Mum goes to work
There is one in almost every class. DAD is fun, energetic, outgoing and ever present. DAD and MUM WHO GOES TO WORK have taken the decision to split responsibilities this way for any number of reasons but most probably because MUM WHO GOES TO WORK has greater earning power and so that is the way the cookie crumbles. And you always get the feeling that MUM WHO GOES TO WORK is really very successful because you never see her.
But DAD more than makes up for it. He knows all the children in the class by name and will always ruffle their hair and giggle with them when he sees them at the school gates. If hes a father of boys, he will kick a ball around too, earning maximum brownie points for his offspring. If any meeting is called, he will attend it, if any help required, he will do his best to offer it. There is no NANNY in that household. That is for certain.
All the other dads find DAD intensely annoying. I mean, who is this guy and why is he so chatty to me at the gates? I dont want to be mates. Most of the mums, meanwhile, are thinking: Mmm, where can I get one of those ?
I'm looking forward to X! Xylophone-enthusiast mum? Xenophobe mum? I hope not ...
G is for Grandparents. There are an awful lot more Grandparents than Dads at our school gate (though there are quite a lot of Dads - mostly retired rather than SAHDs though).
or you opt out of all this shit abd the kids walk home themselves
X will be for x-husband. Picks up one day a week, drops off the following day without key items like PE kit. So I understand from many threads on here
Can't help thinking this would be better as a blog post. Or maybe that is where it originated?
Brilliant - love this thread - v.funny. I'm making a and will try and think of something for H...
Snob mum = Who doesnt need to talk to certain mothers because their children arn't as clever as theirs, because they dont do the PTA, because they look like chavs.
F is for Fertility Goddess Mum
According to FERTILITY GODDESS MUM, her husband only has to look at her and she falls pregnant. It must be hard to be so fertile. Their last child (number 5), and so they have to be very careful. FERTLITY GODDESS MUM has threatened to send her husband to get the snip. Life is tough.
G is for Gymbunny Mum
GYMBUNNY MUM is never seen without her sports kit. On some days, she rushes off straight from drop off to fit in whatever crazy calorie burning exercise she can (swimming, running, tennis, pilates) before meeting up with fellow GYMBUNNY MUMS for a healthy lunch in a nearby café. On other days, she drives to school and leaves the car there all day and runs the 5 miles home only to reverse the same exercise at pick up later on in the day.
GYMBUNNY MUM probably has three or four children but there is no sign of a single ounce of fat or trace of a muffin top on her body. It is deeply depressing to mere mortals that a woman could have regained her figure like that after childbirth. You reassure yourself that GYMBUNNY MUMS are freaks of nature and that even if you were to put in the same amount of effort as her, you would never achieve that level of physical perfection so that double chocolate muffin you have just ordered is entirely justified.
H is for Habitually-late Mum.
You never see her because she is....habitually late.
I is for Insecure Mum. She asks you questions all the time about how your DC is doing and is paranoid that she is somehow failing her child because they are not learning Mandarin/hangliding/woodwork in every spare moment.
J is for Judgy-Pants Mum. See AIBU.
K is for Kleptomaniac Mum.
Because all that lost school uniform has to have gone somewhere!
Ok, I'll stop now.
I is for iPhone Mum. She's always looking at the bloody thing!
Can I go back to D please as I have a good one. Thanks.
D is also for Ditcher mum. She "ditches" the kids half way up the road that the school is on and speeds away in her car leaving said kids to faf about the street for 15 mins before eventually toddling into school.
Particular bug bear of mine.
This will not end well! (I was shot down in flames on an earlier thread for H is Hypochondriac Mum, which might well describe my good self btw)
M is for Monopolising Mum - She accosts the teacher every morning and afternoon to discuss at length her child's health problems, reading level, homework, attainment, she wants her own personal parents evening sesh twice a day every day, and she'll schedule meetings to harangue the teacher whenever she fancies it to find out why her little genius isn't doing better.
God forbid if you want to mention anyway to the teacher about your own child, after spending 15 minutes standing a few feet away with Monopolising Mum smirking in your direction every couple of min, suddenly it'll be 9 o'clock and the poor teacher makes a break for it into the classroom. Grr.
H is for Homemaker Mum
HOMEMAKER MUM has the perfect home that leaves you green with envy after any visit. How does she do it? It is spotless. The entrance is free from any clutter. There are a couple of pairs of shoes lined up neatly by the front door (compared to the dozens of pairs you have shoved into the cupboard in your entrance, which routinely tumble out at the most inconvenient moments). The house is spacious, the sofas are elegantly adorned with just a few tasteful scatter cushions. A dog sits quietly by the fire and doesnt get up to bother you with any licking or muddy paws. Any toys you spot are tidied away and invariably made of wood.
HOMEMAKER MUM is a fabulous cook. And she can bake. If you pop over to her house for a coffee morning, you will be offered a choice of home made cake/pastries that it would be rude to turn down. She and her husband put on fabulous and effortless dinner parties. She finds it so easy to come up with food for the masses. You hope one day, when you grow up that you will be a HOMEMAKER MUM too.
C is for Childminder Mum. Always pushing a double buggy with a gang of kids trailing behind her.
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