Mumsnet Talk

I constantly feel inadequate. I try not to compare myself to other parents but I can't help it. I don't really play with my DC's. They're 3 and 14 months. I read to them, take them for walks, to nursery, to playgroup, to an indoor play gym, to the park when the weather is nicer than it is now, we do some light crafts (cut and stick, glitter, lollipop stick men etc) but it seems a great deal of time is spent talking to them and watching DVD's (Barney etc so semi-educational for a big purple dinosaur).

What makes someone a good parent? How do you know when you are one? Do you feel like one?

You hear people talk about good parents, very often in the press. There's a notion of what one is. I've never met one, and none of my friends know one. I think they're a bit like pixies.

But I've met a lot of parents who are doing ok and mostly managing. Getting by. They're never perfect though.

people may measure happiness or love

i say the measure is whether your kids make their own beds, tidy their own rooms and can sew and iron by the age of 4

my mother had 5 kids and measured her own parental success by whether she managed to keep her children alive. This was her main priority and, I'm pleased to say, she did succeed

Custy, that made me laugh.

Like dhdl said, I am going with if they're still a) alive and b) speaking to me by the time they're adults, I'll have done an ok job

When you know your not a shit parent

I know what i consider to be a bad parent and take it from there!

My yard stick is that they are still alive and I have only raised my voice once every 20 mins. If this has been achieved by the end of the day then I am happy and open the

I think that if they still bother to ocasionally tell me they love me i can't be going too far wrong.
No parent is perfect as every childs comes with different tantrums challenges!

If I get any unbidden compliments about DS then I buff my imaginary Parent of the Year lapel badge and congratulate myself that I can't have done too bad a job. I have never done crafts except under duress.... brrr......

when you and your children haven't actually killed each other at the end of a day.

I think we all (or at least I) often feel like we/I aren't doing enough. BUT in fact, we probably are - esp if the child seems happy (most of the time!).

Think back to your own childhood: some of MY best memories are going off alone to read or to play with friends (cue kids' adventure stories - not full of parents = what most children like best) - rather than all of the activities - piano, ballet, brownies, french, art, etc etc - organised by my mother.

As for small children, like yours, I think going on walks, light crafts, a few swings, books every day = excellent parenting.

I think you're a good parent if you try your best,ensure your kids have their basic needs met(food,sleep,love),have kids that are happy the majority of the time and you are prepared to learn at each stage of development.

Other than that I don't think you can proclaim what is a good parent is as one size does not fit all.

All parents,kids,life circumstances are different.

Yep, MrsH that's the bottom line - love,sleep,food - always tell them you love them! [slush]

OP, ask yourself if a lousy parent would do all those things you do?

Biggest mistake I made was to think I should be sticking my stressed but grinning mug in their faces at every hour of the day. Playgroup is for them to play and you to grab a coffee. So's soft play. Down the centuries babies have survived with minimal interaction. Cuddles, food, warmth, routine show love. They don't need us to amuse them all day long. If I could do something differently from when they were that age, I'd ignore them more, for their sake as well as mine. It teaches them how to amuse themselves. Vital developmental stage.

it's impossible to be a perfect parent but there's a million ways to be a good one.

OP - sounds like you're doing a lovely job

If I get the 3 of them into bed without anyone having killed anyone then it's job done for me!!

When you put their needs before your own.

When you see flashes of a sense of humour (this will be as they get older)
When another adult comes and tells you how lovely and polite they were - at their house or whatever
When they go out of their way to make sure someone is OK (like ds yesterday who wouldn't let his friend (a girl) walk home on her own from Youth Club, so walked a mile + in the wrong direction to make sure she got in safely)
When the teacher (or someone who spends a lot of time with them) tells you they are lovely
When they stand up for something or somebody, because it's right, even if they feel they are the only one

The thing to do, is stop aiming for "a good parent" and think "good enough" - it's what we're all striving to be, and it's hard when you are sleep deprived, but it gets better - I promise you!

Someone once said to me that if you worry about being a good parent you are already well on your way because it shows you at care. Perfection is unachievable and means different things to different adults and children but it sounds like you are doing just fine

Not sure if I would consider myself 'good' but I'm certainly not doing too badly.
I don't compare myself to anyone else and I feel okay when my head hits the pillow at the end of the day.
I think I've had it easy with my dc but if you had asked me this question when she was 3, I might have answered differently.

OP, you may feel better about yourself as your dc's grow a little. You sound as if you are doing just fine

I agree that one size does not fit all. Don't compare.

I agonise over this constantly and defintitely agree with racingheart. I wish I'd ignored DS a little more when he was younger to encourage his independence. I also think I have been guilty of considering him too much which has meant that he rules the roost sometimes! The other day I told DS how I felt, that I did everything I could to make him happy and is claeraly never good enough and to let me know what is good enough. I didn't shout but I was pissed off and I think he could tell I had had enough and that he was pushing me and being unreasonable. I now realise its important to show that you are HUMAN. I know how hard I try to ensure kids are well cared for and immaculate. Sometimes DS goes to school with a bed head or I spot toothpaste on his jumper but I know he is cared for and loved and the closeness of our relationship tells me I am a good parent. the other day he said 'Thank goodness I have a Mummy' when DH didn't try that hard to find random lost item. DS has told me I am best friend so I can't be going far wrong. Judge it by the quality of your relationship I think even if the love is only expressed in miniscule moments! x

Meant to say, since my outburst DS has been a darling! If I say No, he says OK. Totally unheard of previously! No, he isn't scared of me just more respectful.

I judge how well I'm doing by what happens when I step out of the room.

If DD starts hectoring the boys, DS2 starts being over-emotional and DS1 acts like a wild things I think 'Footprints: must do better'.

If DD volunteers to help out DS2 cut his veg, DS1 says 'never mind' when water is spilt on him and and DS2 waits for other people to finish talking before chipping in, then I feel pretty chuffed.

Their behaviour will often reflect my state of mind - but this measure of 'good' oscillates from week to week.