Wedding dilema - what would you do?

[gillymac]

This is probably a pretty trivial problem but it's driving me mad at the moment, so any advice would be very welcome.
Problem is that dh's sister is getting married in September with fairly short notice to everyone. It's a second marriage for both her and her partner (they're in their forties) and the wedding is to be near their home which is about 400 odd miles away from the rest of the family. Because of the timing of the wedding, its going to involve a two night stay plus long drives plus associated expenses of meals etc for five of us plus new clothes and so on. We've worked it out and realistically we probably won't get much change from £400. We'd really like to go but just can't b**y afford it.
The rest of the family are going so we don't want to feel like the poor relations. Also, my sister in law probably won't forgive us as, according to my other s-i-l she is very 'precious' about the whole thing. Despite being a 2nd marriage she's going for the full white wedding thing i.e. bridesmaids, picturesque country church, big reception and so on.
What would fellow mumsnetters advise?

[Bozza]

Tricky one - and I don't really think it is trivial because it involves family relationships and we all know what a hornet's nest that can be!!

Only idea I can think of is for just your DH to go (since it is his sister getting married). This would minimise clothing/eating costs. Also if the rest of the family are local to you there is the possibility of a lift for one (but not for a family of 5).

I know its not ideal because you would have to sacrifice a family weekend but its a compromise. If I think of anything else I will come back to you.

[WideWebWitch]

Gillymac, could you be honest and call your sil and ask if there's anyone that could put you up for free? On the new clothes front could you improvise: second hand shops, tarting up things you've already got? Going to weddings does always seem to be expensive IME once you've added up all those extras. It doesn't sound like there's really an option not to go but you could try explaining the problem and seeing what sympathy you get. These things are a minefield politically though aren't they? Good luck.

[bee]

Hi there - here are a couple of ideas:
Don't but new clothes. Everyone's focus will be on the bride and groom, so as long as you look neat and feel good, that's enough.
And for accommodation, ask your dh's sister if she knows a good B and B, or has a friend who might put you up. If that doesn't work, stay at a Travel Lodge or similar - they charge about £50 a room and you can all stay together in one room. A bit of a squash but would help keep costs down.
A tricky one, but not necessarily bankruptcy-inducing. All the best

[bee]

Woops - I meant don't BUY new clothes (its been a long day and my typing finger has given up!)

[tigermoth]

Could you say you've already booked a holiday, can't change the date at such short notice, but sadly the wedding clashes with it?

It sounds like a huge amount of driving over a weekend, even if you cut corners and reduce the costs. And you say other guests live far away too? Are you absolutely sure they are all coming? Could you speak to a few just to get some direct feedback. Is it possible your sil and her intended are being optimistic in saying all relatives are definitely coming? If it looks like others will be saying no, it will be less of an issue if you make your excuses.

[pupuce]

Tigermoth I am shocked... lying ????
Actually I'd advise against it because it is difficult to keep such a lie and it will come back to haunt you + you are asking others to lie too !

[Lindy]

Just don't go - I feel people are far too sensitive about these issues - our DS was christened recently and we did have a great big celebration but, for various reasons, none of my husband's family could join us - I understand their reasons, respect them for being honest (huge travel distances/expense involved) and absolutely no offence taken - I made sure I sent them photos, cake etc immediately afterwards - life is far too short to worry about these sorts of occasions.

[sb34]

Message withdrawn

[PamT]

I think I would be tempted to ask them to provide the accommodation. I went to a family wedding a few years ago where the bride's father had paid for rooms in the hotel where the reception was being held (for which he had got a discount). Guests paid extra if they wanted a 2 night stay or any other meals but being paupers we just had the one free night and kept other expenses to a minimum. If we had been forced to pay for accommodation we couldn't have gone.

I think you should be open and explain that you can't afford the whole lot, I'm sure you won't be the only ones.

[JanZ]

Is it possible to leave the kids behind (with your family?) and then look on the trip as a nice weekend away for the two of you?

Otherwise, I'd agree with Batters that honesty is the best policy.

Re wedding lists - I also don't like them and tend to buy pottery or something personal like that. For our own wedding, my now dh didn't want one at all (although he did produce a list of fine wines he would like!), but some friends asked for one, so I produced a "Not the Wedding List" which was a short (less than A4) list of ideas - nothing prescriptive and also said a couple of things we DIDN'T want (eg NO carriage clocks!). It included a strong statement saying that if they already had an idea, then to go with that.

[sml]

Could you ask your dh's parents to help you financially with the cost?

[winnie1]

Sobernow and Batters, what a lovely idea and as I am currently stumped for a wedding gift you have come to my rescue...thanks....

gillymac, I can only reiterate what others have said; be honest with the family and if you really can't afford for you all to go and it is important to dh compromise if you can. I do sympathise wedding/family politics can be such a nightmare whether you are the couple getting married or the invited guests. Whatever you decide I hope the aftermath is not dire

[oxocube]

sobernow

[Lindy]

Regarding wedding (or other special occasion presents) - something we were given when DS was born & I have since used for other people (particularly good if a second marriage - two homes merging etc.) is to have a couple of trees planted in their name, the Woodland Trust arranges it.

[Rhubarb]

We went to a Christening held the day after my 30th birthday in Glasgow - a 2 hour car ride away. We set off on my birthday with dd in the car and a fellow passenger - took 2 hours to get there plus another hour to find the hotel! Got to hotel to find we had no menu, we had to eat what we got, and we were sharing our table with another family. We had to eat by 7pm as they had a party coming in at 8pm, we only arrived at 6.30pm! Next day we arrived at the Church, stayed for a couple of drinks and had to drive back home. No proper birthday celebration, in fact it was pretty miserable. We weren't even properly thanked for making the effort, and it was all at our own cost!

So my advice is to speak to your prospective s-i-l yourself. Tell her your problems and see if you can both come to a compromise. She'll be really glad you made the effort to phone her and discuss it with her. Knowing weddings it will have probably cost her a fortune anyway and they will be feeding you, so I wouldn't expect her to pay for the accommodation - we certainly didn't at ours and I have never been to a wedding which did. I am sure she will know herself that at such short notice it is bound to create a few problems. Communication here is surely the key.

Hope all works out!

[bossykate]

we recently had a similar-ish issues with sil's 40th. they had booked a lot of space at a hotel in snowdonia for the members of the party (all based in south east!) to stay the weekend. as ds is an awful car passenger, we thought the only way to get there sane would be to set out at 7.00pm on the friday evening in the expectation that he would sleep most of the way. however, we realised that we wouldn't get there till around 1.00am, and as we are usually pretty worn out by 10.00pm didn't want to be at that stage with a further three hour drive... then having to spend all day on the road with grumpy ds on the sunday...

well the upshot was that only dh went as a compromise. i think bil and sil were disappointed (we were honest about the reasons), but dh did notice that all the other guests with small children had planned to spend a few days there to make the trip worthwhile, and that wasn't an option for us.

anyway, gillymac, i would second bozza's advice and say that your dh going might be the best solution? good luck!

btw - am i the only person in favour of wedding lists? although, i don't like being asked for money or to see "non traditional" items on them, e.g. golf clubs. having said that, the ideas mentioned here sound wonderful. we were less fortunate with the ideas people had when buying off our list! of course i'm very grateful and obviously the whole thing is not about getting presents - she said hastily!

[PamT]

bossykate, we had a wedding present list too and most people did use it. We put only basic descriptions of the things that we most needed (we were starting from scratch and had very little for our first home). I even included things like washing up bowl, laundry basket, etc. I hinted at suitable colours but didn't specify any particular brands. The list was only offered if someone asked for it. We got masses of towels and glasses but otherwise got most of the things we needed to stock our kitchen. I don't like the lists that are placed in very expensive shops where you have to purchase a set piece of tableware at an extortionate price (eg. £10+ per plate), the gift never looks very much and you feel so mean if you can only afford one small item.

[SueW]

I like wedding lists although we didn't have one. We bought our first flat at the same time as getting married and had only a secondhand 4 foot bed donated by my flat mate as a wedding present, a single bed left in the flat by the previous occupier, stereo, a bean bag and a portable TV! We used boxes for some time to sit on, eat off, etc.

As we didn't know what we wanted, we suggested anyone who wanted to bought us John Lewis vouchers.

Most people I know who put a lot of effort into choosing things for their list were gutted when close friends presumed to know them so well that they went out and spent large amounts of money on things which were not really to their taste!

To get back to the original question - the only time I came close to a similar situation was discussing with MIL whether DD and I would accompany DH to her funeral. We both agreed it was unnecessary to drag a then 3yo halfway round the world for such an event.

[slug]

I'm tempted to change my name for this one but.... we were invited to a wedding recently that clashed with a party we really wanted to go to (BF going abroad for a year) We skipped the wedding and told the bride that dd had been exposed to chicken pox, had a fever, and we didn't want to expose her or her guests to a possible infection. Children are SO useful as excuses.

[bells2]

I think there is a lot to be said for wedding lists. When I got married my colleagues spent £300 on a Sony Playstation complete with steering wheel and assorted games. I can honestly say that when I opened it I had absolutely no idea what it was. They all thought it was hilarious. I got the last laugh though and snuck back to Currys and exchanged it for a hoover and a floor polisher.