Mumsnet Talk

I love my two brothers but have absolutely nothing in common with either of them and see them maybe twice a year. We had very little to do with each other as children. I've always regarded my friends as my 'siblings' in a way and have maintained several close friendships since childhood.

My ds is 18 he is such a pita I couldn't have coped with another No seriously its great one child families hugely on the rise according to press the last few days and 3 child families which has always been the n=most common falling sharply. I wanted another but couldn't although my open house policy over the years means I have a lot of teenagers around. I think it gets too much discussion tbh. there were 11 only children boys in ds school and so it felt quite normal.

I'm almost completely sure that my 2 year old DD will be an only child, I don't feel the same urge to have another child as I felt to have her, in fact the thought of pregnancy/labour and birth/newborn sleep deprivation and endless crying fills me with dread. I love that my baby has turned into this amazing little person who can hold a conversation and do more stuff by herself all the time. For me, one child means more quality time, less stress and financial worry. I can't quite bring myself to give away the moses basket and other small baby stuff yet but I'm pretty sure I won't use it again.

Just wanted to say what a lovely thread this, I have one dd who will be an only child. Finding it very difficult to come to terms with this as I've had two miscarriages and other medical problems and reading this has made me feel so much better about the situation.

To anyone who thinks having only one child is selfish:
What about the impact on our planet ? We don't actually need more people, and having any children at all could be called selfish as they are adding to the strain on the planet. (I have only one at the moment, might have more..undecided)

People who criticise parents of onlies need to be more sensitive too, as there are often fertility issues, past miscarriages, difficult pregnancies, possibly relationship issues that the person might not want to discuss.

I think in the UK its just socially acceptable to have two, not for good reasons, its just the status quo. In China and Japan its completely normal to have one.
Having said that, everyone should do whats right for them, because happy parents means happy kids.

It would be not very clever to have more than one kid just because you want to be like everyone else, if its going to put a huge strain on your finances and your marriage/partnership and you end up splitting up.
rant over !

On leaving the mat ward after a scary emcs, a few years after our first was stillborn, second miscarried, the midwife cheerily said, " see you in about 2 years then!" Um no.

Love this thread, well most of it. Ds will be an only and the positives are cheering me on no end!

What a completely gorgeous thread! Having one child is ace and such and amazing blessing. Love being a family of 3 and if it aint broke why fix it!!

Oh, almost forgot the old chestnut of sharing the burden of looking after us when we're old...

Who is to say that your only child will not have a caring and supportive family of their own that is quite happy to share that "burden" with them when the time comes?

Also, if I had a pound for every time I've heard a person trotting out a tale of woe about how "my useless brother(s) or selfish sister(s) don't lift a finger to help with my mum/dad" I'd be rich.

Life is too short to worry about "what ifs" like this anyway. Who knows what might happen. You could be wiped out in a car crash, die suddenly, or peacefully at home in your sleep without ever becoming a "burden" to anyone.

Best decision we ever made. Always felt/knew we only wanted one and stuck to it and did not bow to pressure to "go on, give him a playmate!" as someone once said to us.

I would make the following observations:

* Actually our DS has never been short of a playmate - family, friends, school friends have always been around to play, sleepover and to go away on holiday with. Best thing about that arrangement is they are not around when you don't want them to be.

* DS has always been able to enjoy as much of our undivided attention and time as he has wanted.

* We have a very chilled family dynamic - no squabbling with other kids, no dramas and the older he gets the better it gets!

* As DS is getting older (almost 13 now) he arranges his own social life so no pressure after this age to worry that they have no one to play with (something I often see raised on this board). The onus to make their fun for them in place of siblings (again something I often see raised here) is not apparent anymore after this age.

* The way kids interact with one another these days means that they can connected with friends without the need to be in their company physically. I know of many children with siblings who are cloistered away in their own rooms interacting with their friends - not with their siblings.

* There are pros as well as cons in having a sibling too remember. They can give rise to resentment, jealousy, ill feeling and upset and make one anothers lives a misery at times - and not just as children. This can carry on into adulthood too. How many people have a sibling who they don't talk to, have lost contact with, have nothing in common with or who they are in conflict with or who causes them emotional misery, pain or upset or who just makes family life difficult?

* Children with siblings don't always get on with them and many wish for them to be as far away from them as possible a lot of the time. Never underestimate how siblings can argue and how much conflict and discord this can cause in a household.

* One child is totally manageable in terms of washing, ironing, feeding and looking after generally. Less work and less stress all round!

* One child is far more manageable financially. You are able to give them more in every sense - not just in material terms.

After almost 13 years I'm still 100% happy with the decision we made to have one child.

Really useful ammunition helpful thread, thank you!

We have two year old DS and love being the three musketeers, no plans to have any more.

I don't buy the sibling = playmate argument after my experiences with my brothers.

And as for the "burden" of looking after us when we're old, I wonder what people think childless people do? We will ensure we have sufficient care insurance and savings in place to pay for the appropriate levels of assistance. I wouldn't want to be a burden for anyone, whether we have one child or ten!

I can't remember who mentioned regular trips with their DS to carluccios for lasagne but I love that idea, what a great ritual to begin and an opportunity for some regular, quality 121 time, I'm going to do that too from now on, thanks for the suggestion!

Final positive for me about deciding to only have the one child is our sex life! Now sexy time is just for DH and me to enjoy ourselves, no pressure, just fun

This thread has really helped me!

I have DS who is 2; have tried to have more but a few miscarriages down the line I'm beginning to think it's time to stop at one and make this our life. Stuck at the point of "do I don't I" - more ttc or not.

My DS is my world, I have been a SAHM since he was born and I couldn't imagine anything different. We take him everywhere. The poster who mentioned meals at restaurants - so true! We take DS with us when we eat out during the day and he loves it, is very well behaved, and sees it as a real treat. Can't imagine struggling with two!

Thanks for this thread.

I don't understand why people worry about this. Being an only is fine, as is being one of seven. It doesn't make much difference - eldest/onlies do a tiny bit better at school and are a tiny bit more law-abiding. That's it.

My DD is an only child by choice. It took me a long time to have her and I have always been perfectly happy with one. We are incredibly close and have the freedom to go out and about without worrying about pleasing various siblings etc. She spends lots of time with her friends and is close to my friend's 3 kids but can very happily amuse herself. We love the chaos of having a houseful but both her and me breath a sigh of relief once everyone goes home and all is quiet again.

When I split up with my ex, my DD informed me (in a very firm voice), "It's ok if you want to have a boyfriend, Mam, but no babies ok!" Not that I wanted anymore kids anyway but that was me told lol.

DS is 3rd generation OC, the first time I took him out for a walk (or hobble, stitches still in situ) in his pram a neighbour asked when I'd be having the next and I replied that this would be my only child. Since then people have said mean things such as "one's not a family", well I'm perfectly happy with our little unit, DH, DS and I get on well together and now DS has a lovely GF who we also think the world of. My relationship with my DM is a bit strained, and she does have a selfish streak, but not convinced that it's because she's an OC.
I admire women who can manage large families, but it wouldn't have suited me, perhaps I'm a bit selfish, enjoy quiet time and hobbies etc. Have never regretted our decision to have only one child.

And watching the look on DSs face - the kid equivalent of WTF????? - is a joy.

After witnessing two boys literally rolling on the floor of a supermarket fighting over a 20p one had found before their dad tore them apart I was quite happy to have one.

Now, as I sit watching four sibling punching, kicking, name calling and crying as they wait to get on a ride at the park, I am ecstatic.

Snog, thanks for posting this. Lovely to hear. I am an only (always had tons of friends and never bothered about a sibling) but wanted DD (5) to have a sibling. Now pushing 41 with several miscarriages under my belt, have decided enough is enough. DH wants to keep going but I can't so DD will definitely be an only now. I feel sad but I know I was a happy only and am trying to think of all the advantages for us and her.

Wow, thanks you guys! Smileys AND flowers!
<blows kisses to tyranno and raisin>

Snog. A couple of weeks ago I had to have surgery because of a bad labour and have been told that I won't ever be able to carry another child. My DS is 17mo and my whole world and I loved reading this thread and recognising that even when it all feels really hard it could be so much worse...!

Thank you for starting it and for coming back and saying what you did. for you

awwwwwwwww Snog, that's just lovely

It's seven years now since I started this thread.
My dd is now 12 and has never wanted a sibling.
She is sociable and has lovely friends but also likes to have time in her own company or with her family.
We share lot of interests and can follow them together with nobody being left out.
I have been able to devote resources to helping her with her dyslexia such that it no longer seems to be holding her back. She is very happy at her new school.
I have changed career and love my new job.
Life is good for us and a family of three can be a very happy one.
If anyone is struggling or worrying about having an only child I hope this thread helps.

DD is an only and it's great. DH can cope with just the one so I get to go out with out worrying he's lost/forgotten a child. We've got out life back quite a bit as we only have to work around DD's naps and the PIL are happy to have her overnight loads (they would struggle with two I think). Don't desperately need a bigger house/car/shed.

Sadly I do want to re-use DD's Itti Bitti nappies.... so we'll wait and see. We're lucky enough to (currently) have a choice.

An only-child friend did say that she worried about being the sole carer for her parents as they grew older. This is actually my only concern for DD being an only.

As a parent of two I haven't read the whole thread, but feel the need to point out that whilst only children will may choose to have chicken pox immediately before your vital presentation to the board while DH is out of the country, they will not wait until the last spot has healed and then immediately get it again in the manner of Multi-child households.

But I'm sure the vast majority of the other stuff is true as well.

flobble thanks for starting such a great thread- I am so undecided at the moment about whether to even have a 2nd child or not and threads like yours really help

Having read this thread, my heart goes out to people who are struggling to conceive their FIRST child - I am very grateful to have my DS - I cannot have any more, have been to hell and back). But, I am SO HAPPY
that I have a wonderful, kind, gentle DS whom I love with all my heart. He is definitely not lonely (our house is always buzzing with friends, etc), he is not spoilt (we get him to save his pocket money for some things rather than just buying them for him), etc.... and he is very generous with his belongings/sharing. He can be quite shy, but is generally getting over this (having started at sec. school now), and is gaining in confidence thanks for brilliant teachers. So, please be thankful for your "only" children (hate that term!) and remember that some people are not lucky enough to have one. (By the way, my sister has 5 and it's a madhouse, but it's always interesting!!!!) Live and let live.