What should I do about husband's demands?

(65 Posts)
paulaL Fri 03-May-02 13:03:49

Hi, this is my first posting on mumsnet, although I'm a regular visitor to the site. I know that you are a supportive, non-judgemental bunch, which is why I am turning to you now for advice. I have got a wonderful circle of *real* friends but this is not the sort of problem that I could ever discuss with them because I don't know whether they would laugh or be shocked. I know what I'm about to say probably will sound funny, but to me it is a very real problem, and one that is occupying every waking thought at the moment.
I have been married to the most wonderful, loving man for the past 10 years and we have 4 gorgeous children. Our sex life, I thought, has always been quite good, although my husband dropped a bombshell last week and told me that he finds it boring. Naturally I felt devastated, but he did reassure me that that he still is in love with me and doesn't want anyone else. He suggested that we try some *experimentation*, which I was reasonably happy to go along with, until he said that he wanted us to dress as animals (his suggestion was horses) I wouldn't say that I am a prude, but I felt a bit taken aback. I would feel foolish dressed as a horse and if I feel silly how can I feel in the mood for sex? At the same time, I love him and want him to be happy. What do you think I should do?

sister Fri 03-May-02 13:30:50

Dressing up in kinky underwear I can understand but as animals sounds a bit perverse to me.
Couldn't you suggest nice underwear instead and see what he thinks?

Gillan Fri 03-May-02 13:35:03

Sorry PaulaL but I did have to giggle. With 4 children I'm surprised you get round to it at all, let alone have time to dress up! But seriously if it was something I really didn't want to do then I wouldn't. Obviously I can understand you feeling hurt about your husband's comment as I would too, and also you wanting him to be happy but dressing as a horse wouldn't be a turn-on for me either. Can you not find something you would both enjoy?
We have 2 children (4 and 2) and I would say that before kids I definitely had a much higher sex drive than my husband but the demands of 2 kids plus working part-time have taken their toll. We still have a healthy sex life and now do things we havent't done since just "going out" which is great but they've been initiated by him rather than me.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk openly about what you both want and I'm sure you'll find something mutually satisfying.
Plaese keep me posted - it may be something we could all be doing!

sniksnak Fri 03-May-02 14:21:04

Oh PaulaL I admit I had to giggle too. But I also tried to imagine myself in your shoes and I know I would feel awful, absolutely devastated, as if I had never really known the true dh.

But at least he feels able to admit his fantasy and I think that says a lot about having a healthy relationship, and I expect a lot of people have desires and fantasies that would seem unusual in the harsh light of day.

I would ask him to elaborate - where did this idea come from? Why would this be sexually arousing? You should gain a greater understanding from his replies one way or the other, but honestly I don't think it's 'normal' (maybe I've just had a sheltered life??) and I'd be anxious about what he'd want to do next. On the other hand, perhaps his imagination has just run into overtime and he'll say it was just an idea.

Definitely don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, and if needs be I would suggest looking for an appropriate counselling facility that you could attend together.

sml Fri 03-May-02 14:30:03

paulaL
apologies but I did laugh myself into stitches before making this posting. I really really sympathise though, and can understand how this problem must be in your head all the time.
I don't think it's a question of being a prude or not; if it doesn't turn you on, then it doesn't turn you on, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sex is about two people after all, not just one. You have to find something that you BOTH enjoy.
If you can't bear the thought of going down to your local Shakespeare company to borrow the ass's head (and I don't blame you) then how about finding some kinky undies or videos with a vaguely horsey theme? (I'd better stop there I think, as it sounds much worse than I meant.)
I'd love to know how you manage to solve this one, but quite understand if you don't feel like telling us.

Mooma Fri 03-May-02 14:37:47

paulaL - not sure quite how to put this, but do you think your dh's suggestion of animal-themed sex might be his way of saying he fancies using more unusual positions (eg doggie-style). I hope you don't find this suggestion offensive, it's just a thought...

slug Fri 03-May-02 14:53:03

LOL why not a tiger?

paulaL Fri 03-May-02 15:02:22

Thank you so much for getting back to me, I was really nervous posting this and thought that I would scare everyone off. Don't feel guilty for laughing, I know I would too if I was reading it, but when it's your problem it's harder to see the funny side. I can see that in the harsh light of day, his suggestions do seem perverse and sordid, but he did say that it is the unihibited act of animal sex rather than the actual animals that he finds erotic. He said that his interest in animal sex began a while ago when he watched a TV programme about a race horse stud. I do find the whole thing very wierd, but can't help but think I should go along with his demands because everything else in our life is so good, I don't want to spoil things. I was hoping that you would say that his suggestions were *normal* and the sort of thing that other married couples do but don't ever talk about in public, now I'm not so sure. Also, we've tried the sexy undie thing, but he complained that they were too uncomfortable.

WideWebWitch Fri 03-May-02 15:11:14

Paula, sorry but I laughed too! I agree with all the good advice given here about not doing anything you feel uncomfortable with: that's not sexy or loving. It's good that his interest is about uninhibited sex rather than actual animal fancying, that changes the matter somewhat doesn't it? What about wearing horsey clothes instead, or is that not the same to DH? I'm thinking of Jilly Cooper 'Riders' stylie: tight jodphurs, boots, aertex shirts etc...Good luck and please *do* keep us posted, not that we get our thrills vicariously or anything

Tillysmummy Fri 03-May-02 15:16:36

PaulaL

I have to admit to LOL as well.

In seriousness, I think that sex is about pleasing each other and yourself. I think that you should only do what you're comfortable with but also, I think it is always nice to give pleasure to the other person. I think it is very important to keep things exciting but can understand your hesitation about the animal thing. Can you tell him you don't feel comfy and try something else ?

sister Fri 03-May-02 15:26:12

Paulal, can't you have uninhibited sex without dressing up as animals? If it doesn't turn you on then if I was you I would definately not go down that road.
Their must be other ways you can spice it up that would mean you would both enjoy it.
I don't know if you feel the same way but since having children I find it very difficult to accept my bopdy and insist on darkness when getting naked?
Is something like this at the route of it all??

ScummyMummy Fri 03-May-02 18:08:40

Just say neigh.

Janus Fri 03-May-02 19:01:10

paulaL, if you don't feel comfortable with this then it's not going to make it good sex for either of you. I'm sure there are plenty of other things you could do together which you haven't for a long time, why not start by having a bath together with some wine, kissing and move on from there, maybe trying some positions you haven't used for a while, as someone else said, maybe 'doggie' position is similar enough to 'animal sex' that your husband is thinking of?
I do think most people would be confused by the suggestion your husband has come up with so trust your instincts and don't go with this. If you do and it turns out to be a disaster (which it definitely has the potential to) this may be a hard thing to overcome other than laughing hysterically together!
Oh god, good luck!

leese Fri 03-May-02 19:01:20

Stop horsing around ScummyMummy - this is a serious post (sorry paulal!)

Tinker Fri 03-May-02 19:19:51

Winnie might have something to say on this.

tigermoth Sat 04-May-02 08:12:42

Tinker, you tinker!

PaulaL, how difficult for you! I don't know what to say. Could it be that your husband wants to talk about sex more than you both do at the moment? It's the talking itself that's a turn-on for him? By asking this provocative question, could he be hoping it will lead to lots of sex talk before the act itself?

I think talking round this is your first step, however you decide your husband gets his oats! (sorry, couldn't resist)

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 09:31:13

Paula, I asked my friend what she thought and she said "are you sure she didn't mishear and he wants her to dress up as a *whore*...

star Sat 04-May-02 11:39:15

Message deleted at member's request

manna Sat 04-May-02 18:00:07

I can't believe you all let this one go by uncommented on: 'we've tried the sexy undies but he complains that they are uncomfortable' . You could try wearing them instead of him next time, Paula

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 18:04:01

Manna, I wondered about that too!! Paula, do you feel like enlightening us? (understand if you don't!)

Rhiannon Sat 04-May-02 19:16:27

What kind of dress up outfit as a horse is going to look vaguely like a horse? Or am I losing the plot?

I too did think perhaps he meant 'whores' rather than horses!

If you're not comfy with it, don't do it. Suggest a trip to Ann Summers.com or/and a subscription to the adult channels. R

Marina Sat 04-May-02 20:20:17

I read about something called The Other Pony Club (in the D Telegraph magazine, before anyone passes a remark) in which adult enthusiasts get tacked up in harness etc and pull carts. Somehow I don't think this was what PaulaL's husband had in mind, it looked like jolly hard work.
You could get him a subscription to The Erotic Review, PaulaL - it might remind him that one of the really crucial differences between us and animals is that the females get satisfaction at least equal to the males in sex (or should do).

Kia Sat 04-May-02 21:36:02

PaulaL I think you've been incredibly brave putting this thread on, and I just cannot think of anything to suggest, except it does take 2 and he may have to modify his fantasy somewhat if he wants you to take part.

My dh has a friend who likes to dress up in school uniform, the only problem is its girls clothing. This guy's wife has been incredibly understanding about it all and they are very happy. I'm not sure I could cope without hysteria. My dh wont tell me which one of his mates it is, so I keep looking at their wives and wondering.

Perhaps it's the jilly cooper thing and the riding gear would work. You can but try.

paulaL Mon 06-May-02 11:09:41

Thanks again to you all for being so understanding. Have thought long and hard about this and think that I am going to give it a go, you can't knock things unless you try them. As my husband works on door security at an exotic dancing club, I think he thinks all women are as uninhibited as the girls who works there, so I think he finds it difficult to understand why I don't want to try something new. Also I suppose I'm worried that if I don't go along with it, one of the girls at the club will. Don't think finding costumes to wear will be difficult as there are lots of phone numbers in the back of his contact magazines for companies which specialise in this sort of thing. Thanks for listening.

WideWebWitch Mon 06-May-02 17:56:51

Good luck Paula,I hope you don't think we were all too flippant You're a braver woman than I!

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